You decorated yourself with lies. You bought me with your fake persona. You promised me bullshit. You wasted my time. You lured me into believing you. And then one day, you just shed your mask. And I saw the beauty that wasn't you. I saw it falling apart...down to the floor, shaking the grounds and the very core of my heart. I saw it break into a million pieces. I picked up one piece, that had cut my skin and made me bleed...
It hurt for awhile. But today when I woke up, I couldn't find that longing in my heart for you anymore. It had left my being without my knowledge. Something that I thought would never leave me, had now expired. Something that I thought would haunt me for the rest of my life, had now left me in my sleep. Something that I tried to kill countless times, had now killed itself without any attempt from me.
Yes our desires, longings, wants and cries may go unheard today...people may hurt you again and again, and you may wonder why that it is so, and why it's happening only to you. And you may try to kill the feelings so very hard, you may do anything and everything to bury it and move on, but it returns to you the very next day. So you nurse it like a baby, you look forward to it's touch, you become the feeling and the feeling becomes you. You wait for it to switch on every single day the moment you wake up. You live by it no matter how much it hurts you. And it keeps repeating itself for days and months, and even years. But, one day you will wake up and realise it's gone. Gone for good. And you can't get it back even if you try to...even if you try feeling that way again. You may search your entire heart to catch that same feeling again, but it's not there anymore. At first, you struggle, you feel uncomfortable not feeling that way again. But you realise that it had decided to die on it's own...it had beaten itself to it's own demise. And you are free again. You can't even believe it!
It hurt for awhile. But today when I woke up, I couldn't find that longing in my heart for you anymore. It had left my being without my knowledge. Something that I thought would never leave me, had now expired. Something that I thought would haunt me for the rest of my life, had now left me in my sleep. Something that I tried to kill countless times, had now killed itself without any attempt from me.
Yes our desires, longings, wants and cries may go unheard today...people may hurt you again and again, and you may wonder why that it is so, and why it's happening only to you. And you may try to kill the feelings so very hard, you may do anything and everything to bury it and move on, but it returns to you the very next day. So you nurse it like a baby, you look forward to it's touch, you become the feeling and the feeling becomes you. You wait for it to switch on every single day the moment you wake up. You live by it no matter how much it hurts you. And it keeps repeating itself for days and months, and even years. But, one day you will wake up and realise it's gone. Gone for good. And you can't get it back even if you try to...even if you try feeling that way again. You may search your entire heart to catch that same feeling again, but it's not there anymore. At first, you struggle, you feel uncomfortable not feeling that way again. But you realise that it had decided to die on it's own...it had beaten itself to it's own demise. And you are free again. You can't even believe it!
I have become resilient to hurt. You will never get to me again. Every feeling has a birth and a death. Give it some time. Bask in it fully. And one day, it will be gone, just like that. And you are free to stand on your own 2 feet again. And when the same feeling returns on another occasion, you are better equipped to handle it this time. And you know that it will leave you again some day. So, don't shun your feelings, and don't depend on them too much either. For most of them are temporary...most of them has an expiry date, just like anything that's alive.
No one wants to be defeated
Show them how funky strong is your fight...
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right
Just beat it, just beat it...
Current Music: Beat It by Michael Jackson
**So, don't shun your feelings, and don't depend on them too much either. For most of them are temporary...most of them has an expiry date**
ReplyDeleteNicely written one... I really do appreciate... but for some simple souls like me, we find it difficult to come out of this maze of emotions, knowing that everything is temporary....So it hurts and leaves scars
Hey, right Keshi, just beat it. Remember masks do fall off, but the person -- that is you -- will always remain same. Reslience, fantastic virtue.
ReplyDeleteHave a great day!
*You decorated yourself with lies. You bought me with your fake persona. You promised me bullshit. You wasted my time. You lured me into believing you. And then one day, you just shed your mask.*
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for that.
:)
I sense that this post has come up with lots of contemplation and introspection.
But I think that we should consciously look for humour even in gloom, its something like a silver lining in the dark cloud.
I think adaptability is the key here.
oh what happened?
ReplyDeleteHug
Why don't you approach a publishing company for all your self-help writing. Seriously Keshi, I am not at all joking. Think it over.
ReplyDeletehey dude..thanks for visiting my blog..
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling.... the dying out of warmth for someone. I consider it their loss Keshi. They bring us to it.
ReplyDeleteYou take care and stay happy girl!
With every incident comes invaluable learning, that helps shape one's discretion and sense of judgement!
ReplyDeleteAs I always say, nothing is wrong and nothing is right!
i too hav felt d same many a times..mayb sum of my poems reflect this state of my mind..ur post brought back memories..of d illusions i had...
ReplyDelete"And you can't get it back even if you try to...even if you try feeling that way again."
ReplyDeleteI've been there. I think we all have been there. It's a part of life, I guess. You forget about it and move on. But there are some things that you can't just let go and you end up having a hard time.
I'm kind of numb after reading your post. It speaks so much of what most of us go through. You said it all, Keshi. You read our minds. :)
Keep them coming.
Keshi, my dear
ReplyDeleteAn amazing writing & it touches me to my very core!
And how long did it take u to write this piece?
I love how u share so much of your heart & soul!!!
Thank u, Keshi!
MWAH!
Margie
P.S I'll be back to visit u soon as I can...ok...will miss u tonz!
well said Keshi, Nicely written. Loved reading this.:))
ReplyDeleteAnother beautiful post you have there!
ReplyDeleteI guess when we are through with those feelings, only then do we actually realize how they shaped us for the better!
And all we are supposed to do is learn from such situations n incidents (no matter who was wrong) and learn to be happy with who we are.
It's all called being human and may be that's the way universe works it out!
Take care girl!
I take it as some self-ranting Keshi,
ReplyDeletebecause as far as life/breath remains in you...all your feelings come back...nothing dies...may be things fade for a while...but they come back.. and even if you try killing it...you find it gaining force!
thats my experience,
wishes,
devika
Nicely written keshi and how true. I guess that's the beauty of the human mind, the ability to forget after a while. Same with feeling s too, we become immune to some after a while and that's what makes it possible to go on with life !! Imagine a world where you have to hold onto every hurt forever, that would be a very nasty place.
ReplyDeletei apologize ..but i find myself waay too far from having any such emotional turbulence inside me...once somebody told me that you ll be happy if you accepted the way things are and events are going to happen just observe the whole drama and you will love the drama
ReplyDeleteomg Keshi...I thought u were writing my story there! I've felt this. I was hurting for almost 2 years and then one day, I just knew I'd be okay. :)
ReplyDeleteHi Kesh :)
ReplyDeleteWhen one of your demographic cohorts dies it makes you feel so vulnerable. In the famous musician category my list includes Madonna/Prince and M J.
Stage 2 of the Death Drama is on..Jackson's Satge-Father, the root cause of Michael's troubled life, is now seeking custody of his children and access to the mega-fortune to be made on Michael's legacy.
If you recall Elvis died while his life was a mess, his wife tapped into the sentiment of his fan base, repackaged the Elvis brand and made him a true ICON.
The estate made million$.
One has to wonder if Michael would have produced such memorable work had he escaped the clutches of his Father earlier on in his career..what if he had found the right person to ground him and nurture him..what if?
Now it will be a rude and tacky affair..his Pop will sell off the "glove" and the video of Michael's last rehearsal and all the stuff from Neverland.
There is BIG money to be made on the corpse.
Some feelings are hard to over come, for me most of my feelings remain untouched and inactive. I can’t throw it as it is, but trying hard to keep them in distance for better myself. I wonder how feelings die in relationship when few incidents happen in ones personal life, whether its happiness or sorrow.
ReplyDeleteSo well u wrote keshi!
i am too emotional too understand that...i guess i will always stay the same stupid person.
ReplyDeletenice post keshi...
And i totally love and respect the strong and resilient person that u r!!Yes, it me hun, i was enjoying my break but i cudnt stop myself from reading ur blog, so jus dropped by to say a hi!hope u r doing fine. And this is hw i feel one needs to be. Trust me keshi its not easy to deal with fake ppl....no wonder i hate them to the core!!
ReplyDelete:)
ReplyDeleteHi,Keshi-hope you're feeling better..remember the book I emailed u?Read the first few pages..it'll help u come out of just such moments..can u believe,thanks to just becoming aware,I've begun to immediately convert my rare negative thought or speech to something pleasant,coz I realized-one negative thought,multiplies to two to four to...without any effort.
ReplyDelete---
And,then,of course-as I said once earlier- expectations are what cause so much of hurt..when you don't expect anything from people or things,anything slightly good they do or that happens,is a delight..try it,pal!:)Cheerio and wait for the next edition of my Goa trip post..will put it up tomorrow,probably.:)
hey
ReplyDeleteyou are an mazing writter
the way you write,, i can feel each word sipping down in me..
i could relate with every word u said
i read it in some book..
dont ignore the feeling.. let it come
and feel it completely
the more you accept the sooner it will leave you..
but there are some feelings you dont want them to end.. but alas! even feelings are also not forever..
p.s was just passing by
nice one Keshi
ReplyDeletethough u stick on to topics like hurt and resistance, i feel maybe this somewhere makes us feel better when we are down ... or in confusion...
tc
Keshi,
ReplyDeleteVery philosphical. Feelings do change after some time but basics do not. If you love someone and over a period for some reason or the other it wanes it does not mean that your basic attraction died in totality.
Take care
how true. everything in life does come with it's own expiry date... however long it may be.. it's never "forever".
ReplyDeletehope all's well with you, gurl!
Very well written ...
ReplyDeleteTrue we learn to live on our own, and the earlier we learn the better , as u said we should not depend on anyone but ourself, only then we can live life happily and with dignity... love everyone but love yourself too .. :)
Thanks Keshi dear....:) I love u sooooooooo much for this post!
ReplyDeleteI want to read this again n again.Three times already!Somehow, it makes me feel better.
I dont know when those feelings which are hurting me so much would expire...:( I've tried to kill them time and again but they refuse to leave me.
Realy nice post! And your timing suits my current state of mind.Thank you so much ocne again!
First and foremost..I abso-fuckin-lutely love MJ..:D..My eyes were a li'll watery when I heard the news.. :(
ReplyDeleteand about your post..isnt it kinda ironic? You nourish a feeling and it leaves you, just like a bullshit person would as soon as you start longing for them in their absence..?
Zeez..I don't make sense do I?
How have you been btw?
Love..hugz and kisses...Zub
I have learned through carrying around a lot of pain and hurt for so long, that once you do decide to let it go for good and not take it back at all.. Things get better and you learn from it...
ReplyDeleteYou can kinda stop it before it even hits you anymore. It is going to hurt but yes it is a temporary hurt because you learned from it the hard way!
This post was needed I needed to read this and hear this again...
I am too emotional not to get bothered by it, but I have learned to push it to the side more.. I hope I got this right, you know I get confused!! hahaha
Nehya
... everythings alright na Kesh? u sounds so emotional! lemme hug u sweetie... hugss**
ReplyDelete... ... be what u are! yeah... jus Beat It!
... u know what u made me smile yesterday with ur cutie sms message! thanx!! saw the mouth watering cakes u got on ur bday, any left over on fridge? hehe... ^_~
have a lovely day gal!
... i got starbucks vanila latte here... want some? :P
You put so much life into your posts Keshi, you ought to write novels and nice cards for people to buy! Think about it.
ReplyDeletesometime ago I used to feel we cannot control our feelings and so we cannot control watever happens coz of it..but now it's just the opposite..
ReplyDeleteif there is no "reason" to why feelings influence us so much then there's no reason to how we control it also we juss can do it that's it..we do have the power to fight it out..
Time is the best healer.Period!!!
ReplyDeletenyet there r sum wounds that even time cannot heal:(
cheer up babe:
ReplyDeletea very cute smooth criminal
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5m6dASY8_4
Even fuhrer likes MJ :D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELyTBXzfQJ8
very true dear.....hugs
ReplyDeletebeautifully put Keshi..
ReplyDeleteI too thought the pain just wont go away and i shall be bitter for the rest of my life.. suffered for years...but it just disappeared on its own... and now i feel so so so free...
and yes, i now am better equipped to handle all that comes my way :)
You rightly put it,
ReplyDeleteEverything comes with an expiry date!
Love, Longing, Desire, all the beautiful emotions. What holds longer expiry date are the negative emotions, but even they do go away!
Move on....
And yeah, I must say, words have been put to a good decorative use...
especially hiding that persona thing...
How Come, I always happen to like your every post, and relate to it, as well!! I am intrigued!
Keep Smiling. Stay Beautiful....
Your words are like balm for the broken souls.
ReplyDeleteHugsss
How intense!
ReplyDeleteMaybe the song for this ought to have been 'November rain' then :)
Very well written ... it's tough to experience such things fully though because one is so focused on escaping the pain and wishing it never comes back... although like you say, if it does, you're better equipped to deal with it thanks to prior experience. 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger' etc...
London's very very sunny right now... and I'm sending some of that nice cheerful sunshine your way, hope it lights things up and keeps you warm and happy!
Kesh...
ReplyDeletequick question...since ure blogging abt the hurt...arent u really still stuck there
am not saying its something u can get rid of...coz i kno wat hurting is...and one can't jst wish it away...but as long as u got it in ure mind...u'll probably find a way out
amen!!!
ReplyDeletedp...
ReplyDeletenow starts the marathon...m gonna read all the posts that i have missed...:P
will comment on this one laterz...
for the record..i have to read 66 posts of yours...whoa..
how do u write so much gal??
:)
Keshiiiiii
ReplyDeleteam really happy to read this... am happy to see you coming out of that shell...
take care da... all will end well :)
cheers...
Keshiiiiii
ReplyDeleteam really happy to read this... am happy to see you coming out of that shell...
take care da... all will end well :)
cheers...
sometimes i feel myself tryin to not give up and at the same time i found myself asking what the expiry date is for this suffering.
ReplyDeleterenaye
http://renaye.nutang.com
Totally emotional... :-)
ReplyDeletehugzz baby.... don't let anyone hurt u so much....
Hey Keshi! I guess for the first time in three years I have got back here before you could write another post. Things are getting better for me. My bloging speed is improving I guess. Take care, girl!
ReplyDeleteVery well expressed... There's nothing more I can say to this today, I'm sorry ...
ReplyDeleteTHANKS all! Will reply soon :)
ReplyDeleteKeshi.
hey Suresh!
ReplyDelete** but for some simple souls like me, we find it difficult to come out of this maze of emotions, knowing that everything is temporary
its not abt being simple or special. Everyone FEELS all emotions and are entitled to be carried away by them.
But there comes a time, when it will go away...on it's own. And thats what Im trying to convey from this post. :)
Keshi.
ty Kulz!
ReplyDeleteThe person within me will always know that both pleasure and pain comes n goes :)
Keshi.
ty Tarun!
ReplyDeleteAnd NO ur not the reason behind this post ;-)
**I sense that this post has come up with lots of contemplation and introspection.
yes ur right abt that. This post came after months of pain...and after realising that that pain has now left for good.
**But I think that we should consciously look for humour even in gloom, its something like a silver lining in the dark cloud.
Thats right, but the humor comes a lil later...after the lessons hv been learnt. It takes time.
Adaptability indeedz!
Keshi.
Lavida hey!
ReplyDelete**what happened?
Life happened.
:)
Keshi.
hey ty Maddy!
ReplyDeleteBut Blogger itself is an open 'publishing' company :) So I believe it's all out there and some ppl will benefit from my posts anyways.
Keshi.
hey Prajyot twas my pleasure :)
ReplyDeleteKeshi.
ty Sunshine girl!
ReplyDeleteThis is a HAPPY post :) Cos finally Im over it.
Keshi.
ty Rakesh!
ReplyDelete**With every incident comes invaluable learning, that helps shape one's discretion and sense of judgement!
very true.
Keshi.
ty Anwesa!
ReplyDelete**ur post brought back memories..of d illusions i had
yep..and the way some ppl make us FEEL r all illusions...reality somehow comes into life sooner or later.
Keshi.
ty Anamika!
ReplyDelete**But there are some things that you can't just let go and you end up having a hard time.
yes, this post came after such a long battle.
But trust me, even the longest battle ends, some day.
Keshi.
ty Margie now be bak soon!
ReplyDelete**And how long did it take u to write this piece?
It doesnt take much time at all to write what's in my heart...prolly 10mins? :)
I think it takes alot of time to MAKE UP something...but it takes no time to SPEAK THE TRUTH ;-)
*HUGZ*
Keshi.
ty Zillion!
ReplyDeleteKeshi.
hey Anubha ty!
ReplyDelete**I guess when we are through with those feelings, only then do we actually realize how they shaped us for the better!
Agree. Feelings that come out of certain experiences r like a CLEANSER of the Soul.
Keshi.
hey Devika!
ReplyDelete**because as far as life/breath remains in you...all your feelings come back...nothing dies...may be things fade for a while...but they come back.. and even if you try killing it...you find it gaining force!
yes...they COME AND GO. Thats what I was saying in this post.
Nothing is permanent tho. Every feeling is born, live for awhile and then they die.
They may come back again...but they die again. Even the strongest ones fade over time...just like how a wound heals with time.
Keshi.
ty Prashanti!
ReplyDelete** Same with feeling s too, we become immune to some after a while and that's what makes it possible to go on with life
Agree totally!
Keshi.
hey Vatsal WC n ty!
ReplyDelete**but i find myself waay too far from having any such emotional turbulence inside me
Im not sure if we can live a lay life and be totally FREE of emotions :)
We can sit back and watch the world and it's drama, but there's no way u can avoid FEELING.
Keshi.
Ash yeah, it happens to all of us.
ReplyDeleteHang in there...every day brings new FEELINGS and new horizons..the mind is an amazing place!
Keshi.
Donno Im still in shock...
ReplyDelete**Madonna/Prince and M J.
THE BEST ever!
With all his demons I still believe that thats what made us love Jacko even more.
**There is BIG money to be made on the corpse.
yep. And it's so sad to see how vultures r looming around now to get a piece of his estate!
That Debbie-biyatch-Rowe now wants his kids...didnt she get 9million from Jacko to lay off???
Keshi.
ty Jeevan!
ReplyDelete** I can’t throw it as it is, but trying hard to keep them in distance for better myself.
I TRIED to keep away from em too.. but they kept coming back. And just when I didnt TRY anymore, they had left me.
Keshi.
ty Rabbit!
ReplyDeleteUr not stupid!
Im as emotional as u r...even more. Im supersensitive. ppl ard me tell me that all the time. :)
Its ok to be sensitive...its the best way to live.
All Im trying to say is that even the most painful/pleasing feelings expire.
Keshi.
hey Ria Im missing ya tonnz! Come bak soon.
ReplyDeleteWell I still get hurt but its not gonna be dragged for too long next time
;-)
hv a good break!
*HUGZ*
Keshi.
Vish :)
ReplyDeleteKeshi.
ty Amit!
ReplyDelete**I've begun to immediately convert my rare negative thought or speech to something pleasant,coz I realized-one negative thought,multiplies to two to four to...without any effort.
but I cant do it...I mean I cant 'immediately' crush my feelings, negative or not. It's hard to do that...cos that wud leave a half-cooked feeling :)
but I can try, yes.
nowadays I feel em fully and let em die on their own. The one Im talking abt in this post, was a feeling I thought wud never die. But it did. So Im rejoicing :)
u hv a good wknd!
Keshi.
hey Committed ty and WC! :)
ReplyDelete**dont ignore the feeling.. let it come...and feel it completely
the more you accept the sooner it will leave you
I agree...thats the BEST way to go abt it.
Keshi.
hey Gypsy tnxx hun!
ReplyDelete** i feel maybe this somewhere makes us feel better when we are down ... or in confusion...
yep..this is also a place for me to come back and draw some strength from...
:)
Keshi.
ty Jack!
ReplyDelete**Feelings do change after some time but basics do not. If you love someone and over a period for some reason or the other it wanes it does not mean that your basic attraction died in totality.
Im not sure abt that...cos I feel that its the INITIAL feelings that die sooner than the ones that come later on...what say?
Keshi.
ty Raysh and Im fine :)
ReplyDeleteyep...we hv expiry dates for all LIVING things.
Keshi.
ty Arnav!
ReplyDelete** love everyone but love yourself too
yep thats right...love urself as much as u love others...and love others as much as u love urself :)
Keshi.
hey ty Akanksha!
ReplyDeleteIm glad u like it :)
**I dont know when those feelings which are hurting me so much would expire...:( I've tried to kill them time and again but they refuse to leave me.
I tried that too...tried killing this feeling that made me write this post. It wudnt leave for a VERY LONG TIME. But just last week, I found myself so free...something has left my being. And it was that Feeling. I was shocked but I felt so much lighter and relieved.
give it time...
Keshi.
hey Zubin WB! where hv ya been? :)
ReplyDelete** You nourish a feeling and it leaves you, just like a bullshit person would as soon as you start longing for them in their absence.
true...u put so much effort n time into some ppl but they prove to be something else. And it hurts. But Im glad Im over that 'expectation'.
MJ is my ultimate Superstar. *tearz*
Keshi.
ty Ne!
ReplyDeleteu got it right hun :)
**that once you do decide to let it go for good and not take it back at all.. Things get better and you learn from it...
true...but also, u cant let go of a Feeling before it's time. If u know what I mean. u can try to, but even the Feeling has a mind of it's own.
*HUGZ*
Keshi.
Kath MWAH!
ReplyDeleteIm ok...this is a HAPPY post :) Im free.
hey how was ur walk? Did my sms create smiles all the way in Japan? aww Im glad :)
TC n cake is on the way thru a fax LOL!
;-)
Keshi.
Caz hey tnxx alot girl!
ReplyDelete:)
Keshi.
ty Joyce!
ReplyDelete**we do have the power to fight it out..
I so agree! And sometimes when we feel that we cant fight it, they will leave on their own...some day, if not now.
Keshi.
ty CN!
ReplyDelete**nyet there r sum wounds that even time cannot heal
I agree...but I intend to work on em :)
Keshi.
HAHA Anuz those were too good!
ReplyDeleteTY for making me smile :)
Keshi.
ty Mia!
ReplyDeleteKeshi.
ty Rashmi!
ReplyDelete**but it just disappeared on its own... and now i feel so so so free...
It feels very good to hear that :)
Keshi.
ty Rajeev!
ReplyDelete**What holds longer expiry date are the negative emotions, but even they do go away!
thats cos we humans r so focused on the 'negatives'...sadly :)
Keshi.
hey Krys ty!
ReplyDeleteI guess I should start up a new health company called KESHI BALM? :):)
*HUGZ*
Keshi.
hey ty DDD I caught some sunshine thru ur words! :) *HUGZ*
ReplyDelete** it's tough to experience such things fully though because one is so focused on escaping the pain and wishing it never comes back...
Thats absolutely right! I was so focused on correcting that feeling...on killing it...on trying to avoid it. And it didnt work.
And one day, when I stopped trying so hard...it just left.
Keshi.
hey Sanely!
ReplyDelete**quick question...since ure blogging abt the hurt...arent u really still stuck there
LOL what does Blogging abt it has to do with me being stuck in the feeling?
Im just writing an experience. Im done with that Feeling...so Im writing abt it so that others can draw some strenght from it, if they wish to.
When u express something, does it mean ur stuck in it? I dun think so :) And just cos u DONT write abt something, it doesnt mean ur FREE of it either ;-)
**and one can't jst wish it away...but as long as u got it in ure mind...u'll probably find a way out
I cudnt wish it away tho I tried to. It just went away on its own...and Im so very glad abt that.
Keshi.
hey Mayz ;-)
ReplyDeleteKeshi.
hey Devil long time no see :) How r ya? So nice to see ya bak.
ReplyDelete**how do u write so much gal??
mmm maybe Im a superfast alien? ;-)
Keshi.
hey ty Arv ;-)
ReplyDeleteKeshi.
hey Loke!
ReplyDelete**sometimes i feel myself tryin to not give up and at the same time i found myself asking what the expiry date is for this suffering.
yes we all do that. but u cant hurry the expiry date. u've just got to go thru the feeling fully and it will only die when it's time is up. and sadly, we cant set that time. Something else does it.
Keshi.
Rat Im over it :) This is a HAPPY post.
ReplyDeletetnxx n HUGZ!
Keshi.
HAHA Kulz nice one there! it cracked me up :):)
ReplyDeleteSo Im as fast as Lightning?
And r ya trying to catch up with my speed? ;-)
Keshi.
Hey Adisha tnxx hun ;-)
ReplyDeleteKeshi.
Beautiful insights. Your insights do not have an expiry date ;)
ReplyDeleteits something anyone can so relate to!
ReplyDeletehey tnxx Anitha and Harini :)
ReplyDeleteKeshi.