Friday, August 14

The Dream Is Gone

I know I put up a Goodbye post last night. However, I had to take it off for the only reason that reading it made some good friends and regular readers very sad. So it's not here anymore, cos I didn't want to appear selfish and break hearts along the way. But my thoughts about this place remain the same. During my small break in the last few days I realised that this place has lost it's novelty for me, and I can no longer feel that sense of purity it once held. Neither do I feel like writing here anymore. I have lost that beautiful, exciting, 'wow' feeling that I get whenever I sit down to write a post, comment or read blogs. Everything seem to have lost it's genuine touch. Everyone (except very few) seem to have very quickly forgotten their own words, their own illusion. Some have moved on, some became strangers overnight, some are still here but seem not to know me anymore, some have made their blogs private without notice, some always keep in touch no matter what. Pretty much like the real world right? There used to be a time that I got all sad about such things. Not anymore. I don't feel a thing anymore, trust me. You can slap me on my face or kiss me gently, I'd just stand still. What's happened to me? Guess I have become quite comfortably numb. I have become something I thought I'd never become. This used to be my passionate playground. I associated this place with my emotions, unlike most people did. I do connect with people here on a deeper level than just for the posts' sake. I'm not here just to blow my trumpet or to show you how I can write or to brag about my life. I am here in my full 'human' form, I gave my 100%. I don't draw lines with friends, I don't hold back when it comes to expressing and I don't suffer from 'selective' association. I'm not afraid of FEELING. But I realise alot of people here are just for the experience...not to connect...they are here just to receive, but never to give. And I do know that expecting everyone to be just like me is not fair. So how does a person like me live in a place that they don't seem to belong? God knows how I survived here for 5 long years!

I know, to each his own. That's why I don't feel for this place anymore. It's become just another real world. Just like how a child grows into an adult, and ceases to see the magic around her, this place seem to have ceased to surprise me. Familiarity and predictability have moved in for good. The dream is gone. Now there is no pain, I am receding...

Music: Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd

Friday, August 7

A Pretty Pink Road...

I see my destiny
Peeking through the leaves...
The clear blue skies
And the pretty pink blooms...
It wasn't you
No it wasn't us
What was meant to be
Wont break the trust
With my feet on sand
My hopes on clouds...
I try to walk away
From all those doubts...
- An Ode To Blogville

(comments have been disabled for this post)

Guys I need a break from Blogville, I'm sure you need one from me too! I will do my best to return but it all depends on how I feel. I need some time on my deal with my demons. I need some peace, quiet and solitude. Til then, take care, be well and keep writing. Don't worry, I'll check your blogs whenever I can. Thanks all my regular friends here who have never missed out on saying Hi to me, no matter how busy they are. You rock! *HUGZ* Til we meet again...

Current Music: I'm Moving On by Rascal Flatts

Wednesday, August 5

Mortally Yours

Remember that innocent kid I was talking about from about 3 posts down..the one who committed suicide? Well here's the English article on her in the SL Sunday Times. Those who are interested in knowing about Anuththara's story, you can now read it here. It just made me realise how 2 different views of the same story can create so many misconceptions and judgements. The Sinhalese article talked ill of her. This English article was from her parents' point of view and it spoke so many good things about her, and many truths that we didn't know about this story and how the school failed to handle it. There you go. The world is made of 2 categories of people. One that would concentrate on positivity no matter what, and another that would do anything to spread negativity. We should never just take sides and blabber away without hearing both sides of a story. And when you write an article about a story, make sure you know all the facts of the story and that you're not just taking a side that goes with your beliefs. Are you a side-taker?

On other news, I read that MJ's mother is fearing that there will be no safe place for her son's body to rest, cos there have been threats from fans who plan to steal his body. What the ? With great respect to MJ, why is his family still keeping his body? Hasn't MJ being dead for nearly 2 months now? I think this is the height of attachment and it makes me sick. MJ is dead, his body is now an empty vessel. Wouldn't it be good if the family can come to terms with Death, respect MJ and bury(/cremate) his body so that he can finally rest in PEACE? They have to learn to face reality and learn to let go. I have never come across such greed and attachment before over a dead body. As a Buddhist, I strongly believe that nothing is permanent and that death is when someone dies, although it can be truly heartbreaking, the body must be laid to rest or cremated (my preference), without holding on to it so tightly. This body is a deteriorating organism...and when it's dead, it needs to be disposed of, whether you like it or not. I guess they have to stop fighting over where the body should be buried cos it's quite ridiculous and is awfully shallow. I wonder if they ever treated him so lovingly when he was alive?

Speaking of 2 deaths in 1 post, I wanna ask you this question. You may answer if you wish to. If you had a chance to write a letter *to whoever you like addressing it to* describing how you want your body handled *once you're dead ofcourse u doofus*, what would you write in it? Say it in few words. Please note this is not to ridicule any dead person. This is simply my way of seeing Death. Now here's my letter:

Dearest Mum,

WOW so I'm dead? It somehow happened ha phew! Don't cry. See I'm still laughing LOL! You know, with all the John-Abrahams I passed at the departure lounge at the Death terminal, I think Death rocks man! oops I mean mum. I knew there must be some reason why Life was so boring. btw this letter is strictly to let you know what to do with my now fatally crashed body *all the other sentimental things I wanted to say to you is in another 10-page letter btw. good luck reading it mum ;-) dun burn too many candles now*. For more read my blog.

Now that I'm finally dead-bored, and I cannot wear those Manolo Blahniks anymore, just cremate me please *just make sure the smoke alarm has working batteries incase I panic and want to get out!*. I'd like my sexy ashes to be scattered over the ocean where I can be at peace mingling with the cute Nemo-like fishes *OMG I hope there won't be any sharks!*. That's it folks I'm finally free woohoo! o btw, make my coffin a simple wooden one that doesn't cost a fortune. After all it's going to be set fire to right? I knew you'd get it mum, gee tnxx!

MWAHZ *I just realised I cant send u kisses lips are falling apart urrrrg!*
Yours loving and very late daughter,

Death is just another part of Life. At the end of everyone's road, Death awaits your acceptance. Death sees no color, religion, status, caste or creed. Death does not choose. And you cannot ask Death to give you cannot buy cannot negotiate with it. In death you can't parade your pride and ego, cos there's no one to watch you. In Death you can't hurt another cos no one feels then, not even you. In Death you can't apologise, cos no one will hear you. In Death you can't be superior, cos in Death you can't even move your hands or lips...

Current Music: Some People by Cliff Richard

Tuesday, August 4

Why Do I Feel This Party Is Over?

The Call Of A Neanderthal *tring tring...ooaaaoooaaah!*
Remember that guy who I was trying to fix up with my friend a couple of weeks ago? Well guess what? He's calling me all the time. Isn't he supposed to ring my friend btw? Must be a fuse in his brain socket! It's a pain in my eardrums btw. Men are so shallow, all they ever want is the OTHER girl. urrrrrg! After a few very dumb Lets-go-for-coffee kind of boring phone calls that is just beyond me *trust me at this stage of my life I have better things that I'm interested in than going out with a guy to have a Barbie and Ken moment!*, I decided to tell him that my phone is playing up and it doesn't work anymore. Yes I lied. Cos I didn't wanna tell him the truth on his face and make him think I'm probably a wonderful specimen for Romantically-dead-Nerd-girl Research. I just can't be bothered guys. I'd rather read a book or drive to a lovely lakeside or blog some cranium, instead of wasting my time on the phone with a lovelorn male or having a coffee with him when my mind is somewhere far away collecting water with the Zulu tribe in Africa! arrrrrrrrrrg gimme a break! Call me dull but I really don't feel that Romance is for someone like me. I'd just go and stare at his face, play with my coffee or look frozen-bored that he'd feel so humiliated or perhaps ask 'are you dead?'. Which is better, doing that or telling my phone is psychotic and never talking again? I think the latter. Yes I may be mental but I like mental :). It's better than being someone else right? I don't know if something is wrong with me, or if something is actually right with me. I feel dead bored when I think of Dating or looking for possible partners. The need for a partner must have become a fossil in me over time and with experiences. I seem to have gotten over that need way before my time. While I still have silly crushes, they last about a nano-second? It's as if there's an automatic algorithm inside of me against Mush. It's a killer one too.

Too Many Sooks Spoil My Looks!
When someone is trying to fix me up with a guy, or trying to find out if I'm interested in them, I wonder why they do that. Is something lacking in me, isn't my life complete already? I think it is. Some people ask me when are you getting married. Some ask me what happened to you. I laugh, and I sympathise with them. Cos these people have never been where I have been. They have never realised themselves. Instead they look elsewhere to define themselves. I wonder why most people look outside of themselves to find themselves. It's as if they always want someone/something external to give meaning to their lives. It baffles me. Can't meaning exist with yourself alone? I have enough trouble dealing with myself I just don't wanna find another maniac to think about! :) Imagine what will happen to me then, I'd have double trouble! I'm just over my sooky-lala moments guys, it's official. When I see a couple going coochee-coo, I just wanna slap them LOL! Am I scary or what!

Drunk In Sobriety
I'm always sober...I don't have to get drunk in love and then wake up to realise it's all over. Been there, done that and I know how it all feels. It's all temporary. God must have made men and women so they could pair up, but He still made men and women individuals. There must be a reason for that too. I just feel we are all stuck in a rut whether we like to admit it or not. I just want to get out of here and go where there are no expectations, no disappointments, no dependencies, no pretense, no routine, no limits, no walls, no boxes, no rules, no nothing. Is there such a place? The sun over here is too blinding.

Current Music: Sober by Pink

Monday, August 3

What Lies Beneath...

Sweet Hidden Truths...
We often lie. We all lie whether we like to admit it or not. White lies are almost unavoidable just so that you don't end up hurting someone. I guess it's ok that you tell a small lie than cause a big emotional turmoil by telling the truth. Honesty has always been my policy but when I can't be honest without hurting someone, I prefer to keep quiet. And then, I'm lying. Yes being silent without being able to tell the truth can be equivalent to lying. Words don't always have to be used for it to be a lie. There's nothing I can do about it either. Silence is just a kinder way of lying than using hurtful words.

What Are You Doing?
Coming to Words, it's hard to look at a person or listen to them talking and decide if they are being truthful or not. People behave in bizzare ways and I believe we humans are way too complex for even our own selves to understand us. People often don't have a problem in lying but hate it when being lied to. It's human nature. The fact that what you think is not what you always say, and what you say is not what you always do, in itself proves that we are all living all kinds of Lies, with a little bit of Truth in between. And what's that Truth? The only truth is all the deeds that we do. People can say anything but it's the actions that define a person in their true sense. Coming back to Silence, words or no words, even Silence is an action. What you do and don't do, define the Truth about you. The truth about us is in the deeds that we do and the deeds that we don't do. Words may be powerful, but Deeds are more powerful in conveying a message about you without you being able to hide the truth. No matter what we preach, our deeds (and non-deeds) make us transparent to the world. Our Truth lies in our Energy, our Spirit.

Your Shadow Follows You Around...
Coming to Deeds, it's all about Karma (good/bad). Karma is like your shadow, it's always with you, it follows you around wherever you go, and it even has the shape of YOU. YOU are what your Karma is and your Karma is what YOU are. And in total darkness, you may not see your shadow, just like how in total illusion you may not see your own deeds. You can run away from your bills, people and can pretend for awhile, you can put things off for as long as you want to, or even successfully bury your past. You can lie all you want, all your life, to yourself as well as to many people as you want, but you can't lie to your own Karma, and your Karma will never lie to you. Cos your Karma cannot be undone, just like how you cannot get rid of your shadow. Your looks, titles, status, assets, riches, loved-ones etc..nothing and nobody remains with you permanently except for your Karma.

What lies beneath your face and words, that comes out as your true Energy through your deeds and non-deeds? It's not what 'you' think. The answer lies in the hearts of the people who know you.

Curren Music: It Doesnt Matter by Alison Krauss