Tuesday, December 29

Burning With Desire For A Kiss...

The richest of people could be living the poorest of lives. The most beautiful of all could be having the ugliest of minds. The quietest of all could make the loudest of impressions. The brightest of all could be walking the darkest of paths. The happiest of all could be bearing the saddest of burdens. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, as it may seem. Be content with who you are and what you have. [pic update: one of the many pics I took on NY's eve at the Sydney harbor - 2010 is in dawn!]

We are all awaiting the kiss of 2010...burning with desire for a kiss...a kiss of new dawn. Let this fresh dawn be the change you were waiting for. Do not seek for others to change, cos it will take forever. Make the change within you. Let the world around look at you and want to be like you. Live the life you want to see others living. Be the example that others are waiting for. Don't search for a guiding light, be the guiding light yourself. Don't wait for me forever...find 'yourself'. Lead yourself in the dark when everyone else is sleeping or not within your reach. Be the light in the mist around you...be the question and be the solution too.

I can see you burning with desire for a kiss.... Find new depths in you that you never knew of...anything is possible if you give it a TRY. Don't let anyone tell you that you cant do something or that you're not upto it. You are who you CAN and WANT to be, not what they want you to be.
HAPPY 2010 my mates here! May it be the new dawn you were waiting for. What a year 2009 has been...it was the one I decided to stop blogging...and twas the one in which MJ died - what could be worse than that. I think 2009 was blue for me in alot of ways. 2010...well I have some travel plans and I'm hoping to take a big step in one aspect of my life. I'm gonna take that risk cos I'm the only one who can change my own life. Also 2010 could be one without me here like I used to, but it would certainly be one with alot of new 'kisses' for ya and me, I hope. Kisses of new revelations...so all the best to everyone here! I'm gonna rock it on NY's eve in the Sydney harbour *mobile will be switched off hehe ;-)*. I hope you have alot of exciting plans too. Live life to the max people - and that doesn't mean drink and dance only...it so desperately means LOVE all no matter what, cos I think that's what alot of us find so hard to do. TC too.

I'm burning with desire for a kiss...psychobabble all upon my lips... XOXOXO

Music: Tigerlily by La Roux

Friday, December 18

A Christmas Memory...

Wishing all my friends here a very merry Christmas and an awesome 2010! Miss yous like crazy. Tis the season of peace, love and joy, and it's the time for thinking of all the beautiful people who made my life 'meaningful' and 'possible'.

Thanks for all the sweet messages here though I'm not around as I used to be. It's not in our accolades or in our assets or in our beauty...but to be in someone's warmest thoughts is the highest 'milestone' any man can ever reach. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart for remembering me! Though I'm not around as much as I'd like to be, you are all in my heart, and yes I remember you all too fondly. I can't and won't forget the magic you all brought to my life and the meaning you gave to it. Sometimes I stop and think of each one of you over a warm cuppa, and then my lips slightly part and I'm smiling :). Love ya, take care, and have a safe and good one! May your days be merry and bright, and may all your Christmases be white...

Peace to you and yours this holiday season.


Music: White Christmas by Rascal Flatts

Monday, October 19

The Candy House

I'm reaching for it, slowly but surely. The enormity of it's beauty is distinct, and is just verbally inexpressible. O I want to go, I want to go! I want all the candies and I want to live in that sweet sweet 'house'. My life lacks all of what the Candy house can give me, please let me go in there, o please? All my white pebbbles are gone and all my breadcrumbs have been eaten, now I can't look back. This is what I have been waiting for all my days and all my nights. This is my one dream and I don't ever have to shed tears again. And I don't ever have to wake up to Nothing. I want to reach it, I want to reach it...

o the many Candy 'houses' I have been to, the many 'gems and the many 'witches' I have come across in those houses, the many 'escapes' I have had, the many 'dreams' I have realised and the great 'wealth' that has been brought to my life by stepping into those 'houses'. It's better to have reached your dreams and then have them broken, than never having reached them at all. It's better to have passed the gates of Hell than to lay in bed all day dreaming of Heaven. It's better to have 'felt' what it really is like, than to have 'imagined' it all along..

PS: Hi all, how are ya? :) Feels good to be here again after almost a month and a half. Thanks for all the comments, emails, msgs in the last few months! Though I have not replied to your recent comments here in my blog, I read them all and I'm deeply touched by the Love right along. Do not for even a second think that just cos I'm not regular in blogs anymore, that you are all out of my mind. Infact you are all in my heart all the time. Sometimes I wonder where you all may be, what you must be doing now etc. I have been extremely busy at work and at home too - alot of new beginnings etc. Life goes on as usual. I'm happy, I hope you are too. Time and our lives don't wait for anyone, and I'm taking Life as it comes towards me. Sometimes I sit by the window as I gaze the twilight skies and think about all the times we've spent together here, and it makes me smile. Blogville was another Candy House I guess. I loved the Stay and I learnt alot from it all. I don't regret a single thing. The 'wealth' it has brought to me is just priceless. The knowledge, the wisdom, the endurance, the love...I came face to face with it all, and gained all of that through my blog experience. It's unbelievable, it's magical. However, though I'm writing occasionally right now, I'm afraid I don't know how long this is going to last either...somehow, the inclination to write is slowly fading away. Folks, I have no control of it. It's something that is happening naturally and something that I cannot manipulate. I have always depended on my Instincts, when it comes to making decisions. So let them guide me, like they always have. Depending on how I feel over the long haul, this blog may continue at a much slower pace or it may even cease to exist altogether. Either way let's hope the Love prevails. THANKS a bunch everyone I love ya all, God bless! Keep it real. X

Music: Red by Daniel Merriweather

Friday, September 11

In Utero

I'm in this dark hole now. It's pretty though. It's the prettiest thing in my world right now. No light. Just sheer darkness and me. It's all good. Something keeps me wanting to live amidst all the chaos, all this death. No noise. No light. No clutter. No racing. No tears. No smiles. No one to let you down. No one to give you glory. No friends, therefore no enemies. Life in it's purest form, sitting right beside me, saying nothing, doing nothing...just being itself giving me silent glances, yet not beckoning me to do anything. Life and me, staring at the walls. No need to cry. No need to ask. No need to validate my thoughts. Not the faintest need to be acknowledged either. Not the smallest want to be wanted. I'm quite content with my beliefs that they need to be neither approved nor validated. I don't need your salutations either for they don't do anything to me anymore. I'm on the most content road ever. Im back in my mother's womb. I'm fresh and unaffected. Humans are programmed to receive. But in that reception lives a huge lie. A giant fake. A humungous disappointment. Cos nothing is really forever. Nothing can be kept with you unless it's given to you by YOU. Everything else is temporary. People, friends, words, promises, gifts, bonds...everything is nothing. They will all be consumed by Time and Nature some day. Is there something that won't be swallowed by Time? Is there something that won't be forsaken by a mere plethora of Expectations? The sense of peace I feel right now is surreal. One I never felt before. A territory I dared not tread before. It's amazing. I no longer suffer from the need to make or have friends. I'm quite 'blissed' out here. No one knows what they are here for, or the wheres or whys. No one cares what you have to say. There are echoes from a distant past, and I see lips moving...but nothing can really be heard in this dark hole. And it's good. I have forgotten to smile but I have forgotten to cry too. I don't remember your name but I remember your face. In this nothingness lies a real sense of peace. Once you're broken beyond repair, that's when you realise your full potential, your purest form, yourself. Until you're 'broken' you will never really know what it is to live without others...you will never really learn to live as 'you'. I'm somewhere between life and death, but I'm not with you. In utero I shall remain.
- An ode to my broken spirit

Music: Echoes by Pink Floyd

Friday, August 14

The Dream Is Gone

I know I put up a Goodbye post last night. However, I had to take it off for the only reason that reading it made some good friends and regular readers very sad. So it's not here anymore, cos I didn't want to appear selfish and break hearts along the way. But my thoughts about this place remain the same. During my small break in the last few days I realised that this place has lost it's novelty for me, and I can no longer feel that sense of purity it once held. Neither do I feel like writing here anymore. I have lost that beautiful, exciting, 'wow' feeling that I get whenever I sit down to write a post, comment or read blogs. Everything seem to have lost it's genuine touch. Everyone (except very few) seem to have very quickly forgotten their own words, their own illusion. Some have moved on, some became strangers overnight, some are still here but seem not to know me anymore, some have made their blogs private without notice, some always keep in touch no matter what. Pretty much like the real world right? There used to be a time that I got all sad about such things. Not anymore. I don't feel a thing anymore, trust me. You can slap me on my face or kiss me gently, I'd just stand still. What's happened to me? Guess I have become quite comfortably numb. I have become something I thought I'd never become. This used to be my passionate playground. I associated this place with my emotions, unlike most people did. I do connect with people here on a deeper level than just for the posts' sake. I'm not here just to blow my trumpet or to show you how I can write or to brag about my life. I am here in my full 'human' form, I gave my 100%. I don't draw lines with friends, I don't hold back when it comes to expressing and I don't suffer from 'selective' association. I'm not afraid of FEELING. But I realise alot of people here are just for the experience...not to connect...they are here just to receive, but never to give. And I do know that expecting everyone to be just like me is not fair. So how does a person like me live in a place that they don't seem to belong? God knows how I survived here for 5 long years!

I know, to each his own. That's why I don't feel for this place anymore. It's become just another real world. Just like how a child grows into an adult, and ceases to see the magic around her, this place seem to have ceased to surprise me. Familiarity and predictability have moved in for good. The dream is gone. Now there is no pain, I am receding...

Music: Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd

Friday, August 7

A Pretty Pink Road...

I see my destiny
Peeking through the leaves...
The clear blue skies
And the pretty pink blooms...
It wasn't you
No it wasn't us
What was meant to be
Wont break the trust
With my feet on sand
My hopes on clouds...
I try to walk away
From all those doubts...
- An Ode To Blogville

(comments have been disabled for this post)

Guys I need a break from Blogville, I'm sure you need one from me too! I will do my best to return but it all depends on how I feel. I need some time on my own...to deal with my demons. I need some peace, quiet and solitude. Til then, take care, be well and keep writing. Don't worry, I'll check your blogs whenever I can. Thanks all my regular friends here who have never missed out on saying Hi to me, no matter how busy they are. You rock! *HUGZ* Til we meet again...

Current Music: I'm Moving On by Rascal Flatts

Wednesday, August 5

Mortally Yours

Remember that innocent kid I was talking about from about 3 posts down..the one who committed suicide? Well here's the English article on her in the SL Sunday Times. Those who are interested in knowing about Anuththara's story, you can now read it here. It just made me realise how 2 different views of the same story can create so many misconceptions and judgements. The Sinhalese article talked ill of her. This English article was from her parents' point of view and it spoke so many good things about her, and many truths that we didn't know about this story and how the school failed to handle it. There you go. The world is made of 2 categories of people. One that would concentrate on positivity no matter what, and another that would do anything to spread negativity. We should never just take sides and blabber away without hearing both sides of a story. And when you write an article about a story, make sure you know all the facts of the story and that you're not just taking a side that goes with your beliefs. Are you a side-taker?

On other news, I read that MJ's mother is fearing that there will be no safe place for her son's body to rest, cos there have been threats from fans who plan to steal his body. What the ? With great respect to MJ, why is his family still keeping his body? Hasn't MJ being dead for nearly 2 months now? I think this is the height of attachment and it makes me sick. MJ is dead, his body is now an empty vessel. Wouldn't it be good if the family can come to terms with Death, respect MJ and bury(/cremate) his body so that he can finally rest in PEACE? They have to learn to face reality and learn to let go. I have never come across such greed and attachment before over a dead body. As a Buddhist, I strongly believe that nothing is permanent and that death is inevitable...so when someone dies, although it can be truly heartbreaking, the body must be laid to rest or cremated (my preference), without holding on to it so tightly. This body is a deteriorating organism...and when it's dead, it needs to be disposed of, whether you like it or not. I guess they have to stop fighting over where the body should be buried cos it's quite ridiculous and is awfully shallow. I wonder if they ever treated him so lovingly when he was alive?

Speaking of 2 deaths in 1 post, I wanna ask you this question. You may answer if you wish to. If you had a chance to write a letter *to whoever you like addressing it to* describing how you want your body handled *once you're dead ofcourse u doofus*, what would you write in it? Say it in few words. Please note this is not to ridicule any dead person. This is simply my way of seeing Death. Now here's my letter:

Dearest Mum,

WOW so I'm dead? It somehow happened ha phew! Don't cry. See I'm still laughing LOL! You know, with all the John-Abrahams I passed at the departure lounge at the Death terminal, I think Death rocks man! oops I mean mum. I knew there must be some reason why Life was so boring. btw this letter is strictly to let you know what to do with my now fatally crashed body *all the other sentimental things I wanted to say to you is in another 10-page letter btw. good luck reading it mum ;-) dun burn too many candles now*. For more read my blog.

Now that I'm finally dead-bored, and I cannot wear those Manolo Blahniks anymore, just cremate me please *just make sure the smoke alarm has working batteries incase I panic and want to get out!*. I'd like my sexy ashes to be scattered over the ocean where I can be at peace mingling with the cute Nemo-like fishes *OMG I hope there won't be any sharks!*. That's it folks I'm finally free woohoo! o btw, make my coffin a simple wooden one that doesn't cost a fortune. After all it's going to be set fire to right? I knew you'd get it mum, gee tnxx!

MWAHZ *I just realised I cant send u kisses anymore...my lips are falling apart urrrrg!*
Yours loving and very late daughter,

Death is just another part of Life. At the end of everyone's road, Death awaits your acceptance. Death sees no color, religion, status, caste or creed. Death does not choose. And you cannot ask Death to give you preference...you cannot buy time...you cannot negotiate with it. In death you can't parade your pride and ego, cos there's no one to watch you. In Death you can't hurt another cos no one feels then, not even you. In Death you can't apologise, cos no one will hear you. In Death you can't be superior, cos in Death you can't even move your hands or lips...

Current Music: Some People by Cliff Richard

Tuesday, August 4

Why Do I Feel This Party Is Over?

The Call Of A Neanderthal *tring tring...ooaaaoooaaah!*
Remember that guy who I was trying to fix up with my friend a couple of weeks ago? Well guess what? He's calling me all the time. Isn't he supposed to ring my friend btw? Must be a fuse in his brain socket! It's a pain in my eardrums btw. Men are so shallow, all they ever want is the OTHER girl. urrrrrg! After a few very dumb Lets-go-for-coffee kind of boring phone calls that is just beyond me *trust me at this stage of my life I have better things that I'm interested in than going out with a guy to have a Barbie and Ken moment!*, I decided to tell him that my phone is playing up and it doesn't work anymore. Yes I lied. Cos I didn't wanna tell him the truth on his face and make him think I'm probably a wonderful specimen for Romantically-dead-Nerd-girl Research. I just can't be bothered guys. I'd rather read a book or drive to a lovely lakeside or blog some cranium, instead of wasting my time on the phone with a lovelorn male or having a coffee with him when my mind is somewhere far away collecting water with the Zulu tribe in Africa! arrrrrrrrrrg gimme a break! Call me dull but I really don't feel that Romance is for someone like me. I'd just go and stare at his face, play with my coffee or look frozen-bored that he'd feel so humiliated or perhaps ask 'are you dead?'. Which is better, doing that or telling my phone is psychotic and never talking again? I think the latter. Yes I may be mental but I like mental :). It's better than being someone else right? I don't know if something is wrong with me, or if something is actually right with me. I feel dead bored when I think of Dating or looking for possible partners. The need for a partner must have become a fossil in me over time and with experiences. I seem to have gotten over that need way before my time. While I still have silly crushes, they last about a nano-second? It's as if there's an automatic algorithm inside of me against Mush. It's a killer one too.

Too Many Sooks Spoil My Looks!
When someone is trying to fix me up with a guy, or trying to find out if I'm interested in them, I wonder why they do that. Is something lacking in me, isn't my life complete already? I think it is. Some people ask me when are you getting married. Some ask me what happened to you. I laugh, and I sympathise with them. Cos these people have never been where I have been. They have never realised themselves. Instead they look elsewhere to define themselves. I wonder why most people look outside of themselves to find themselves. It's as if they always want someone/something external to give meaning to their lives. It baffles me. Can't meaning exist with yourself alone? I have enough trouble dealing with myself I just don't wanna find another maniac to think about! :) Imagine what will happen to me then, I'd have double trouble! I'm just over my sooky-lala moments guys, it's official. When I see a couple going coochee-coo, I just wanna slap them LOL! Am I scary or what!

Drunk In Sobriety
I'm always sober...I don't have to get drunk in love and then wake up to realise it's all over. Been there, done that and I know how it all feels. It's all temporary. God must have made men and women so they could pair up, but He still made men and women individuals. There must be a reason for that too. I just feel we are all stuck in a rut whether we like to admit it or not. I just want to get out of here and go where there are no expectations, no disappointments, no dependencies, no pretense, no routine, no limits, no walls, no boxes, no rules, no nothing. Is there such a place? The sun over here is too blinding.

Current Music: Sober by Pink

Monday, August 3

What Lies Beneath...

Sweet Hidden Truths...
We often lie. We all lie whether we like to admit it or not. White lies are almost unavoidable just so that you don't end up hurting someone. I guess it's ok that you tell a small lie than cause a big emotional turmoil by telling the truth. Honesty has always been my policy but when I can't be honest without hurting someone, I prefer to keep quiet. And then, I'm lying. Yes being silent without being able to tell the truth can be equivalent to lying. Words don't always have to be used for it to be a lie. There's nothing I can do about it either. Silence is just a kinder way of lying than using hurtful words.

What Are You Doing?
Coming to Words, it's hard to look at a person or listen to them talking and decide if they are being truthful or not. People behave in bizzare ways and I believe we humans are way too complex for even our own selves to understand us. People often don't have a problem in lying but hate it when being lied to. It's human nature. The fact that what you think is not what you always say, and what you say is not what you always do, in itself proves that we are all living all kinds of Lies, with a little bit of Truth in between. And what's that Truth? The only truth is all the deeds that we do. People can say anything but it's the actions that define a person in their true sense. Coming back to Silence, words or no words, even Silence is an action. What you do and don't do, define the Truth about you. The truth about us is in the deeds that we do and the deeds that we don't do. Words may be powerful, but Deeds are more powerful in conveying a message about you without you being able to hide the truth. No matter what we preach, our deeds (and non-deeds) make us transparent to the world. Our Truth lies in our Energy, our Spirit.

Your Shadow Follows You Around...
Coming to Deeds, it's all about Karma (good/bad). Karma is like your shadow, it's always with you, it follows you around wherever you go, and it even has the shape of YOU. YOU are what your Karma is and your Karma is what YOU are. And in total darkness, you may not see your shadow, just like how in total illusion you may not see your own deeds. You can run away from your bills, people and debts...you can pretend for awhile, you can put things off for as long as you want to, or even successfully bury your past. You can lie all you want, all your life, to yourself as well as to many people as you want, but you can't lie to your own Karma, and your Karma will never lie to you. Cos your Karma cannot be undone, just like how you cannot get rid of your shadow. Your looks, titles, status, assets, riches, loved-ones etc..nothing and nobody remains with you permanently except for your Karma.

What lies beneath your face and words, that comes out as your true Energy through your deeds and non-deeds? It's not what 'you' think. The answer lies in the hearts of the people who know you.

Curren Music: It Doesnt Matter by Alison Krauss

Friday, July 31

Blocked Gates

I wasn't going to post again til next week cos I just posted a new post yesterday (I will reply to your comments there soon, thanks!). But I just had to write this one today...cos what happened to a young schoolgirl in a leading Girls' school in Colombo Sri Lanka, had me in total shock and in sheer disgust at the authorities and the mockery of a so-called system. I just had to share this true story with you...it may open up your hearts, make you look at your brothers/sisters/friends/children under a new shade of light, may make you understand that after all, we are all human...and imposing rules and regulations, and expecting high standards of discipline from one another need to be done in a careful, respectful and in an effective manner.

The article is
here. However, the script is in Sinhalese, therefore some of you may not be able to read the article or see her pictures. But I hope you can read the comments there - some of them are in English, and most of them are revolting! It made me very sad to realise that there are downright stupid, judgemental and heartless people out there.

I'll tell you her story first. The girl was just 14yrs old, and attended this very popular Girls' school in Colombo (some of my friends and cousins went to that same school years ago). Just last week or so, this girl had been checking some nude photos/videos on her mobile phone in her classroom. Prefects walked in and caught her checking out some porn pics. So what did the prefects and the teachers do? Made her feel extremely awful, downright dirty, scolded her and have reported her to the Principal. They also warned that her cell will go to her parents' and she will be dealt with seriously. So what did the very-scared and humiliated girl do? She said she needed to go to the toilet, but didnt come back after 20mins or so. Students went to check on her and they found her there. Not alive though. She hung herself to her death, with the aid of her school tie!

WOW clap clap clap teachers and prefects! You must be very proud of 'achieving' your alma-mater's discipline standards? Or is it that you're gonna live with extreme guilt and regret for the rest of your lives? I think the latter!

What is wrong with our society? Some comments in that article made me wanna puke! It seems most Sri Lankans are still living in total denial of what's REAL and what's NATURAL to humanbeings. Sex, Porn, Nudity etc are part of this world...and they are very real. It's not something to be ashamed of or something that should make one feel disgusted. Sure, school kids need to be monitored and disciplined...but there are respectful and effective ways of doing so. Making one feel awful, small, dirty and disrespected is surely not one of them! There were some naked pics in her cell..so what? Is Porn such a big deal that curious kids need to be made to feel so terrible for exploring what is quite natural to any pubertal humanbeing? While they need to be 'educated' about sex and sexuality, no one has the right to make another feel dirty and wrong for being experimental. I think culture plays a big part here...Sri Lankans want to preserve their 'virgin' culture more than the lives itself! Quite the sad truth there. I'm appalled at how some people said that she deserved to die and that if she lived, she'd have turned into a prostitute some day! How very ignorant and callous. I have never seen Stupidity like that before! We are all different, we all have our curiosities, we all have our ways, we all need some guidance at some stage in our lives, we all DESERVE a second chance...don't we?

What happened was a terrible mistake on behalf of the school, teachers and the prefects. But they are denying any responsibility. Not surprised there at all. I guess they just want to preserve their 'pure' image that they carried on for years even at the cost of the life of one of their own? And now the Telecom Director of Sri Lanka is banning mobile phones from ALL schools in SL! HAHA is this even a solution? A quick fix that will really fix nothing! It's all a big joke. I strongly believe it's the school's and the culture's responsibility...her death happened due to the failure of an incompetent, outdated, gullible and an irresponsible system. Education and living face to face with the Truth is the only way to instil true discipline. And there is always a WAY to get a message across to someone. That way is very important. It's got to be effective or else you better not say it at all. Any thoughts? Honest opinions please.

Don't block the view...don't put barbed-wires around Truth and Nature...don't close the doors. Let them enter...let them see for themselves...let them know what it's all about. Let them understand without any fear or guilt. Cos, when the gates get blocked, the pressure will blow them into pieces....

PS: If something/someone's bothering you, talk to someone, get help, think twice before you take drastic steps...life is much more worth living than giving into a problem or to a bunch of bullies. And there's always someone who will understand how you feel - and it doesnt always have to be your teachers, parents or even friends. To save your life or someone else's life...talk. And when you wanna help someone, talk to them in an 'effective' way. Cos you never know 'how' you say something to another would ultimately affect them. Take care people and have a good weekend!

Current Music: How To Save A Life by The Fray

Thursday, July 30

For Butter Or For Worse!

Ok let's have some fun! I will give you a list of words. Take each word (or whichever ones you prefer) and tell me if they are Male or Female, AND tell me why. Simple, isn't it? Cool! Now here are some examples (my own ones) just so that you get the hang of it.

Google - Female. Cos it's very useful and it's almost equivalent to GOD!
Butter- Male. Cos it's 'useless' when it's frozen and without something to 'spread' itself on!
Cars - Male. Cos they r good when they are brandnew but after a few years they suck big time and make you wanna puke by the roadside!
Poster Ads - Female. Cos they are often looked at, stands out and always have a message to convey. ;-)
Balloons - Male. Cos you have to 'blow' them for them to reach their 'full' potential!
Condoms - Female. Cos they often protect you from having to deal with unwanted 'consequences' in life, but if damaged can give you lifelong 'nightmares'!
Bra - Male. Cos they are glued to breasts!
Cats - Male. Cos they sleep all day, hog the couch eternally, eat, burp and really do nothing else!

Get the drift? :) Good. So here is your list. Have a go, make it spicey, fun, smart, crisp, clear and interesting!



Current Music: Man I Feel Like A Woman! by Shania Twain

Tuesday, July 28

After The Pretty

In the depth of this pain, there's a glimmer of hope..
At the top of this joy, there's a tinge of betrayal
In the stillness of the night, there's a life beginning..
In the empty of this life, there's a fill of breaths
At the bottom of this darkness, there's a birth of light..
In the core of this laughter, there's a mile of tears
At the height of rejection, there's a span of acceptance..
In the beauty of this smile, there's a crooked deception...

I'm not sure why I wrote what I wrote above. Something deep within me wanted me to express it somehow. Those thoughts just popped up in my mind and I inked them. Maybe there's something in my subconscious mind that needs to be taken care of. I don't know. Maybe how some people have been behaving has made me stop in my tracks and ponder upon it. Maybe I'm not sure where I'm heading with all of this...I feel lost. Maybe I'm feeling a sense of detachment...maybe I'm tired of people's lies. What happens after all the pretty words are being said? Where do friends go after that? It seems people have left and I'm still here, living in their afterglow...reliving the times in their shadows. I'm caught in your shadow and all I have is hollow. Was it real? Was it a joke? Was it just me?

Can you relate to it/understand it/make sense out of it? Spill em. I'd like to know. Thanks in advance.

Current Music: Afterglow by INXS

Monday, July 27

It's Automanic!

It's manic Monday so let's be manic to the fullest! I have a deep dark secret...yes I do. Ready to hear it? I'm 1% sane, 99% manic! OMG being manic is automatic to me! It's been designed in my genes. Too late to fix it. I was born with it. Can't help it. So deal with it! btw those who couldn't deal with me have already left *goodbye madness, hello sadness? it's your loss btw! ;-)*. Here are some of the manic qualities in me that cannot be cured, simply cos it's automanic!

*Sometimes I put about 5 sachets of sugar in my coffee while chatting with a colleague in the kitchen, until he starts to look at me as if I'm some kind of maniac that he shouldn't be in the vicinity of! And I drink the coffee as if nothing is wrong with it and ask my colleague why he's giving me strange looks? *weirdo, he needs rehab!* Then when he has left, I realise my coffee tastes like a Coma-fix!

*I eat at the oddest times of the day. If I get hungry at 1am, I will get up, go to my fridge, microwave some left-overs, sit on the couch, turn the TV on and eat the food while thinking of what my next blogpost is gonna be! My creative juices flow when I'm all alone and in the stillness of the night. I come to life at night. Im eerie yes! *freaky night-owl sounds follow...whoo-ooo-whoo-oo!*

*Sometimes I have conversations with the walls. Yes I talk to myself too. There's a person living inside of me who guides me through my every move, laughs at me, makes fun of me, compliments me, tells me right from wrong, bitches at me, goes to the shower with me, eats with me and even works with me. Scared? Not yet, cos there's more!

*On some days I can be almost like a glamour girl but on other days I can be the ugliest thing on Earth, with bad hair, daggy clothes, oldest shoes and the most sleepiest eyes *tops it as a trainwreck model*. And the most interesting part is on those ugly days I don't care how I look and I don't want your comments either! *meeeoooow!!* But if you do comment, I can take it without biting ya. Yes I'm shit scary!

*I can listen to the same song a 100 times on the same day. Yes my iPod has been 'shagged' to death with the same song being played many a times, and if you look at the list of songs in there, you may find 4 different versions of the same song done by different artists. Don't panic yet. You may also find the oldest song and the newest gunk, from rap, reggae to slow rock and dance etc etc. Am I bipolar? Maybe, but who isn't ha? *points at you!*

*Sometimes when certain people annoy me, I have a running session of abuse in my head that don't have a voice *thankfully!*. In that session, I have told them off big time with all the rude words on Earth *$#%^&**$##*, and so I am calmer in my outward appearance, and I can tolerate them until they are finished with their bullshit. I get impatient with people who can't understand simple things and can't do simple things on their own! *rrraaaaaaaarrrraaa!*

*I have an obsession with being neat and clean no matter what. If things are in the wrong place 'physically', I shift them 'mentally' even before I have started to move them in real. Yes, I can burn down a house if it cannot be done! *why can't people be 'perfect' like me ha?* ;-)

*I hate loud noises, heavy coughing & nose-blowing in public and banging of doors. If anyone does that I shudder in anger and total irritation. I often block my ears with my fingers, right infront of those people that make such noises! It's time they get the message right?

*Sometimes I sit in my car and listen to music for a good 30mins or so. I just find a total sense of peace when I'm in my car all alone, in my garage with lights off, and just music as my company.

*I have really seen a ghost! *no it wasnt in the mirror*. I'm not joking either. I have even blogged about it long time ago. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't dreaming, I wasn't hallucinating. But I'm not that scared of ghosts...cos ghosts are harmless in comparison to the Living! That's what I believe. *I wish I was a ghost*

*I have an addiction of writing, reading, connecting and learning. I cannot seem to stop it. I wonder if I'd be doing that in my coffin too! I'm a total wisdom-whore and super fast multi-tasker. I can blog, work, eat, speak on the phone, think, hunk-watch, sleep etc all at the same time! I can also bludge one whole day and get all the work done in the next minute.

*I can start off a conversation with any old stranger just about anywhere. I did that on Sat with an old man who was listening to me talking to my mum in Sinhalese, inside a lift. I was quite loud, forgetting it was a shopping-centre lift, and was going on and on *what was I thinking, that was my house?*. And then suddenly I realised I was inside a lift with 3 other men. I stopped my blabber, smiled and apologised to the men. They all laughed! One old man got close to me and said 'if I was 50yrs younger I'd have learnt that language somehow and got to know ya better' and we both laughed and laughed like we were good ol friends.

*I can drool on a guy I desire, watch him from afar, fantasise an entire life with him etc etc yet get turned off so very easily by one small thing he says or does. I get bored easily and I tend to dream of a lover that don't exist in this world perhaps. Or do they? Most guys' typical behavior make me suffer, both physically and mentally! *proof: my scarred dreams, immortal single life and lifelong brain-damage!*

*I'm moody, trust me when I say that. I can be the bestest company but I can also be the most moodiest biyatch you can ever come across! Just leave me at those times please. Or else, you'll start slapping me on the face! *blame it on my genetic design*. I hate talking on the phone for too long. There are times I don't answer the phone on purpose, just cos I'm not in the mood. Sorry, I don't do half-arsed jobs - if I'm not in the mood, I'm not going to do it at all.

*My dreams often come true! No I'm not joking. I do have premonitions too. I also have some dead people passing messages to me in my dreams. Believe it or not, some very shocking things have taken place, just the way they have told me in my dreams. Sometimes I get strong visions/vibes/memories from a distant past (/previous life perhaps) that makes me all teary! Yes I'm freaky, perhaps psychic? I don't know either!

*Often I feel like a fish outta water. Crowds, public, parties, wherever I am, I feel that I'm mad and most people are sane. Cos they all seem to be living this methodical, organised, pattern-oriented lives...whereas I seem to be just watching them all. It's as if I'm some kind of spectator of this world. The last time I was at a crowd, some people were amazed that I blog. They asked me what's the point of blogging. I'm not sure if they'd understand, had I given them my answer.

Any surprises/predictions there? :) Got a manic side to ya? Share please.

That first pic is from the weekend...wore that white Spring dress for a bday party, although this manic kitten is feeling all the flu symptoms right now *cough cough* and I refuse to be sick...today my voice sounds like a man's voice eww eww eww I'm not sexy anymore! :*(. However the thought of going to see a John-Abraham-lookalike doctor is making me wanna sneeze more! *aichooooooo x 1000000!!!!*

Current Music: Maniac by Michael Sembello

Saturday, July 25

La Di Da Di Da!

yipppeeeee it's THE weekend! You see, I love weekends. Cos I believe that's when I shed my work-mask and become fully me. I can just be myself, do my thing, dance around in the house, eat loads and loads til I feel sick, and then puke if I want to. LOL! Today I have a bday party to go to in the afternoon...but there's some retail therapy to be done before that ;-).

Now, here's a little weekend game for ya. Fill in the blanks ok? Nothing 'preachy' this time *rolling eyes, typical Keshi ha?*. Lets just have some Unadulterated Fun ;-). So here it is:

Every man has a _____ and every woman has a _____!

Go for it. Good luck and hey just have fun!

Current Music: Kingston Town by UB40

Thursday, July 23

Today's Special Is Humility

Guess what? In the last 5 months, I have received 2 letters and 1 pic, from my sponsored kid in Sri Lanka! awww they were so touching, so heartfelt and so very soul-cleansing. Recently I sent him a stationary pack, some small gifts, along with a t-shirt. He had received all of that and wanted to thank me. I didn't wanna be thanked, I only wished I could do more. Something as simple as a Disney eraser pack, a box of markers, a sticker book and lead pencils which most kids over here have in abundance, seemed to have created magic in Baby-Dee's world. The kind of magic that he'd not come across in a far away rural village without the luxury of clean water or daily meals, let alone school accessories. I also sent him one of my pics, and he wrote in his letter that both his mum and he looked at my pic, and that he felt like talking to me and wished I was near him. Also, he stated that he's avoiding wearing the t-shirt I sent him, til his bday, so that he could wear it then. That brought warm tears to my eyes. It was just a normal t-shirt, nothing fancy. But to him, it was very special. Trust me, this whole experience to me is the ultimate Meditation of my life...I don't have to stand infront of a God's statue and pray, or meditate with chantings to purify my heart and soul. Sentiments expressed in Baby-Dee's letters are my Bible. I'm not saying I have attained enlightenment hell nah, I have a long way to go ;-), but I really can't understand how by going to a temple or reading the Geetha, and not really doing anything to help someone in need (be it a loved-one or strangers) that one can find some real peace of mind? I know alot of people like that in my own circle - they donate alot of money to the temples, cover the statues in gold etc etc but don't even have the time for or the inclination to help their own family and friends if the need arises. It makes me wonder why people do that. I always believed that hands that do service are holier than the lips that pray. Please note that I'm not trying to put myself on a pedestal here and feel superior...I'm just saying that praying is of no use if there's no action. You don't even have to pray, if your life itself is a prayer.

I learnt something from Baby-Dee today. We may or may not have everything we ever wanted in life. But there is always a little magic hidden somewhere in the rusty attics of our bleeding hearts. And if we are humble enough to realise them, if we are energetic enough to cast away our fears, if we are courageous enough to bury our tears, we will find them. Baby-Dee was special enough to be humble, and was humble enough to find something special out of something so ordinary. His life may not be the same as my nephew's or your child's, but his heart is very special. I just want to say I learnt something from Baby-Dee today...and that is to be humble enough to find something special in every small gesture that comes your way.

Share with me stories of Humility and the contrary :). Let's learn from what's happening around us. Thanks guys!

Current Music: One Love by Bob Marley

Wednesday, July 22

Currently Not Hiring

Thank You for taking part in my last 'rather lengthy' post! It was not only a test about Keshi's love-life, it was also a test on Patience from your side. Those who took part, took time out to read and answer ALL the qns, I really do appreciate that. It only goes to show that you really care. Blogging is not just about commenting, it's also about making one another feel appreciated and understood. I had a need to be fulfilled through that post. And that is to conclude my Romance factor...to realise where I stand. Now here are the scores in comment-order. Above 80% is pretty good I think. That means you know me too well OMG congrattz! All of you who took part were good. Welldone all of ya and thanks for making me laugh with your comments! :)

Jack - 75%

Dave - 15%

CN - 80% *you know me too well boy!*

Preeti - 40%

Suresh - 65%

Thousif - 60%

Jeevan - 65%

Devil - 40%

Amit - 65%

Rat - 75%

Ria - 90% *I had a premonition about this!*

Devika - 85% *We are so alike indeed!*

Cess - 80% *A French ME over here!*

Joyce - 75%

Ammu - 70%

Anuz - 5% *lol*

Anits - 75%

Conclusion: It's official. My love-life is in extinction. *if you spot a White Rhino, do let me know!*. I'm an introvert when it comes to approaching potential partners, not because I was born one, I was made to be one. I became a nerd when it comes to romance, cos I had to. *cut the sweet crap, get on with it! I get bored very easily*. While I'd be a good lover, I don't make any effort to find that person I could be a lover to. HAHA! Why? I seem to be floating in clouds of memories and not moving on from the past *I just don't want to be bothered, I'd rather have a shower!*. I still do enjoy flirting, sexual tension, casual conversations etc, but I draw the line just there, and I say Good Night. I'm not scared of being in a relationship, neither am I scared of being alone. No it's not that I don't want a partner either. Then WTF is it Keshi? I think I'm just bored with it all and I'm plain lazy. Relationships are hard work...too many sacrifices...too many expectations...too much of distraction...too many 'must-do's than 'just-be's *no offense to anyone in a relationship*. I'm being honest here rather than being politically correct. Relationships just take too much time and energy...sometimes, they drive you away from what you really are...it's all routine, boxed and mundane for someone like me. They waste my emotions, time and energy. In the end I'm so exhausted by it all, I'd rather be alone. I don't want to be a part of a circus just to please others. If I'm happy, I'll be there. If not, I'm not gonna do it. In comparison to my past relationship experiences, being single *my current phase* is the happiest and freest of my life. Currently I think I'm right where I belong. Perhaps, if I'm meant to share my life with someone, it will happen in future. But I'm not gonna sweat about that now. It if it happens, it will, if not, I'll still be ok. I'm happy and I'm cruising just the way I am right now. But that doesn't mean it should be the same for everyone. This is just my opinion based on my life. To each his own. Now can God create something NEW for me to venture into and explore other than a relationship? *bored, rolling eyes, zzzzzz, zaps!* BUT if John Abraham comes around, I might reconsider what I just stated above! *a thousand apologies* ;-). Guys approach me...alot of them. I just can't be bothered anymore. You think I'm in love? That I'm sent from above? I'm not that innocent.

Current Music: Oops I Did It Again! by Britney Spears

Tuesday, July 21

Marital Status: It's Complicated!

While discussing about 'Marriage' with Devika during a random chat, something she wrote in a reply to me brought about an idea for a post. :) So here I am. Now all of you know Keshi is single *stale news ha!*. This is not a post to find a man for me but it's simply a Keshiology analysis based on what you all know so far about my romantic side, and to find out how the world perceives me as a partner. This test has been prepared carefully to capture the perceptions of each individual who sits for this test, to gather all the answers and arrive at a conclusion about my *currently non-existent* love-life, in the next post that is. Now here are the questions. There is 1 correct answer for each question *though you may perceive me different to what I see myself as*. That is what I'm trying to find out :). All you've got to do is write each qn first, and next to it write the whole answer (not just a, b, c or d). Kapish? Good on ya. Now dive in!

1. Keshi spots a desirable guy who shows an interest in her. What does she do?

a. Rolls her eyes
b. Smiles at him with a hint of blossoming romance in her eyes
c. Hands him a Dating-for-dummies Guide and leaves
d. What, who, why?? *slaps!*

2. At a party, an Antonio-Banderas-lookalike hero walks upto Keshi, and asks her for a dance. What does Keshi do?

a. Politely accepts the request and dances with him
b. Tells him to get a life
c. Burps and rejects his request cos she's too busy drinking & winking!
d. Jumps on him and says 'I've been waiting, for a MAN like u, to come into my life!'

3. Keshi's idea of a romantic evening with that special someone is

a. Cuddle up by the fireplace *provided it's Winter, if not we'd be 2 BBQd lovers!*
b. Beachside cafe with light music, candles and alot of whispers in the dark
c. An all-night-long romp at his place *cough cough!*
d. Making him cook for her and do the dishes too

4. What turns Keshi on?

a. Watching the back of her guy *and drooling ofcourse*
b. Shirtlessness
c. A good long conversation that stimulates each other
d. Oysters

5. When was the last time Keshi kissed a guy?

a. 500yrs ago *in the Dinosaur era*
b. 2 days ago
c. Last year
d. In her previous birth

6. What's Keshi's idea of THE ultimate relationship?

a. Marriage
b. A live-in relationship with no strings attached *don't know about G-strings though!*
c. Being surrounded by Love no matter what her marital status is
d. Being a PR manager at a Hotel

7. What attracts Keshi the most?

a. A guy with a good heart & a good sense of humor
b. A guy with a good income
c. A guy with big...shoulders I mean!
d. A guy with a good blog

8. What is the one thing Keshi loathes about being in a relationship?

a. Having to share the bed with a snoring man
b. Not having enough freedom to be herself
c. Wet towels on the floor and toilet seat issues
d. Invasion of foreign agents such as sperms

9. What do you think Keshi would do to her man when he spills coffee on her new bedspread?

a. Hit him on the head
b. Cry and make him buy her a new one
c. Forgive him, put the bedspread to wash and make him a new cuppa
d. Scream murder til the Police arrives!

10. How many boyfriends did Keshi have so far?

a. 156 *on her way to the STD clinic*
b. 4
c. Nil
d. If pet-kittens count, 13

11. What quality in a man excites Keshi?

a. Good taste in music
b. Passionate kissing capabilities
c. Viagra
d. His car

12. Keshi thinks a great kiss starts with

a. Lips
b. Conversation
c. Bacardi
d. Sex

13. When Keshi's guy is in trouble, she'd

a. Help him out
b. Dump him immediately and find a new one
c. Abuse him and make him feel small
d. Go on a holiday leaving him down in the dumps

14. When it comes to asking a guy out, Keshi is

a. Conservative - waits for the guy to make the first move
b. Would ask him out if she really likes him
c. Rings up his parents straight away to plan the wedding
d. Sends him for a blood test and a Gingivitis checkup!

15. Keshi's ideal place to get married is

a. A low-key beachside wedding with close fam & friends
b. A Las Vegas eloping session
c. On the bed, proposing to each other over coffee
d. At somebody else's wedding, to cut the costs *recession and all*

16. Keshi's ideal place for the Honeymoon is

a. A romantic getaway to the Bahamas
b. At their place, just the 2 of them
c. Visiting her sponsored child for the first time with her partner
d. She doesn't like Honeymoons

17. Sex to Keshi is like

a. Cocaine to a drug addict
b. Rains to the deserts
c. Social security to the unemployed
d. Religion to the extremists

18. Keshi and her partner are in bed, and suddenly she blurts out her ex-BF's name in her dreams. What does she do to cover it up?

a. She has a lil chat with herself while rolling her eyes
b. She jumps out of bed and calls her shrink up
c. He knows everything about her, so she doesn't worry
d. She blocks his ears with cotton buds and goes back to sleep

19. Keshi finds out her partner cheated on her just once. What does she do?

a. Forgives him straight away cos she always cheats on him too
b. Listens to what he has to say, asks for time to think over it and then depends on how she feels, warns him and she'll give him a second chance
c. Files for divorce the very next day
d. Leaves him and becomes a nun

20. Keshi is heading for a Separation. What's the reason?

a. He forgot her birthday
b. He has an annoying mother
c. He doesnt look like John Abraham anymore!
d. He lost respect for her

Thanks Devika for triggering this post ;-). This post is dedicated to all the SINGLE people out there. May you always know what Love is, whether you find a partner or not. It's better to be single than to be in a relationship for the fear of being alone. Life is a huge fun-ride, so never stop having fun. And always keep it real. It's healthier to be true to yourselves than to live a lie. Ciao!

Current Music: I Wanna Know What Love Is by Tina Arena

Monday, July 20

The Last 48hrs

Today we are in a little LIFE Workshop :) All you've got to do is take the weekend as an example. Now have a good look at how you spent those 2 days. What did you do on Saturday and Sunday? Let me first tell you what I did.

Put Some Flowers In Your Hair...
Saturday: Spent most of the morning shopping...3 bdays coming up this weekend, so went gift-shopping. aww I also ended by buying this very pretty white Spring dress for me :) *yes the Spring collection is already out!*. Bought my sis this very cool Prada perfume gift set for her bday *shhhh don't tell her yet*. All the ladies at the shop surrounded me and was chatting with me while wrapping her gift, and we had a nice little convo about bdays, gifts and Prada & whatnots *the devil does wear Prada after all ;-)*. Later, mum and I met for lunch at the Mall. On the way back, I drove to the Pet shop. No I wasn't getting any new Pets but I longed to see some puppies, kittens and bunnies. So I stopped by and played with them. Made me so happy. Then we went home. At night, we had a Sri Lankan dinner & dance (buffet) to attend with fam & friends at a Bowling club. It was THE best. Great company, yummy Sri Lankan cuisine, top music, alot of dancing and smiles & laughter. Some guys tried to pick me and a friend up on the dance floor. It didn't work *rolling eyes*. Instead I went upto a guy that my friend was drooling on and was too shy to approach, and managed to talk to him and get his number for my friend! How did I do it? I walked upto him, asked him if he went to a certain school cos he resembled someone I used to know *corny pickup line I know, but it worked!*, he said No and he asked if I went to this certain Girls school, I said No, then the convo continued and he ended up giving me his number LOL! And I passed it on to my friend later on. I also intro'd my friend to him. Let's see what happens *fingers & toes crossed I hope I don't fall for him LOL! The dude's not bad at all ;-)*. Came home around 2am and slept like an overworked kitten on drugs! *zzzzzzz dun disturb kitty kesh*

Running Is Better Than Sprinting...
Sunday: Woke up late *obviously, and I looked groggy and so un-Prada-ish ewww!*. Dropped mum at a friend's place. Came home and cleaned up the place a bit. Showered. Ate some food. Went to pick mum up listening to Dire Straits in my car and tapping on the wheel and whistling the tune like a crazy hippie on a high. Came back. Checked my blog and email, that had me smiling for awhile. At about 2pm we all drove to a beachside cafe with my cousins for a nice long chat, a light meal and coffee. It was THE best. We had such a great time talking, laughing, catching up with each others' lives while watching the waves, and something very good came out of it too. We found out that one of our cousins' friends is a lesbian and she's trying to hit on my cousin! She freaked out. But it's true. We all worked it out, from all the clues that were laid on the table. But we asked her not to panic and told her not to respond to that girl's messages. My cuz looked really scared LOL! Then we all headed home, dropped my cousins at their place, talked to my uncle who is bedridden, had a long chat with him, went to his lonely little world for an hour or so, and came back home. I was feeling sad for my uncle. Yet I danced my way to the bathroom. Showered again *yeah I have a showering obsession!*. Changed into my Pyjamas. Turned the Heater on. Sat on the couch. Watched TV having dinner while chatting to mum. Lazied around for awhile *bored and all*. Rang my friend up *the divorced guy from the last post* who didn't pick up the phone * he did just now yeyy!*. Went to bed.

A typical weekend isnt it? But alot happened in those 2 days and I took up alot of roles. I had many moments of many heights. A jolly, happy one..and then a sad, teary one....and then a funny, girly one etc etc. That is what Life is. All kinds of moments with varying depths and heights. And all those moments need to be fully lived...and that's how I know I'm living to the best of my abilities. I don't like half-arsed jobs. During a specific moment, I'm there fully, or I'm not there at all. Are you? When I'm at the Pet shop, I'm totally a kid. When I'm with mum, I'm totally a responsible yet a chatterbox daughter :). When I'm with my uncle, I'm totally an old man with an ailing body. When I'm with my cousins, I'm totally their nutcase bringing laughter to the table. When I'm with a friend, I'm totally a therapist of the heart, listening to their story. When I'm in the shower, I'm totally Shania Twain with an invisible *thank God!* audience listening to my voice. When I'm with myself in my car, I'm totally a freestyler, being the best company I could be to myself. I LIVE every moment to the fullest, good/bad, happy/sad. Put some flowers in your hair, and see the difference it makes. Run if you must, but don't sprint all your life away...take it slow, stop and feel the fresh air....don't wait for things to happen, just live in the moment, cos that's all we've got.

So tell me...if the last 2 days were your last on Earth *God I hope not!*, and if you were reminiscing it from afar now, would you have lived it to the fullest, would you have fully basked in every moment in those 48hrs, would you have given your undivided attention to others around you and to yourself, would you have slipped into the life of another to understand them better, would you have stopped to smile and say 'I'm good thanks and how about you?', would you have no regrets or broken hearts to mend, would you have lived or existed, would you have cared or would you have escaped it all? Would you have lived every day of your life?
You don't have to do big things to have lived life. You don't have to achieve the highest to have felt life. You don't have to hold a big position to know about life. You don't have to go to parties or have a flashy car to feel that you have a great life. Just 'live' in every small moment that you're given, feel them fully, bask in them and grasp the messages that life sends you without a fee. May you 'live' every day of your life.

So what was your last 48hrs like? Let me know ;-)

Current Music: Sultans Of Swing (LIVE) by Dire Straits