2005 more tears

As 2005 has only 11 more days of her life, I want to be thankful for what she gave me and what she didnt. She gave me, but she also took. I guess I still have reasons to smile 'cos what's meant to be will be...

A stormy yet soothing year it was...spent in the moment...never thought too far 'cos I wanted to be just thankful for the day...for the moment...for now. I got closer to God and I realised that life isn't all about having what you want...even what you need...but we have to smile and keep moving...'cos we just might as well. When this year is gone by she will never return...never will she give you another chance to re-do what's already done...to re-write history. They say life is like drawing a picture without an eraser...I say that the heart is like a mirror, once broken it never can be mended to be the way it was before - 'cos even if you super-glue the pieces back together, the scars remain forever. But was my heart unbroken to begin with?

Somethings have been missing from my life for a very long time and even forever...and tears have been a part of my life for a very long time now that I can't even remember when it was last tear-free. Folks I'm not seeking sympathy but this is the true state of my life and somethings are too personal to put up in a blog. I just take one moment at a time and guess what...it really is a great way to chase the blues away - a fantastic way to feel that 5min happiness of having an unbroken heart. And I still remember the fun times, the good tidings, the blessings, my ever-dancing spirit, the people in my life, you beautiful souls...yes I'm thankful for the beauty of life in spite of it's darkness. And this year has been a great guru to me about life's hidden meanings and it came through you too - all of you who gave me so much knowledge and made me realise how diverse and beautiful people can be in their thoughts.

So it's Christmas and the season of peace, joy, love and laughter...Santa and carols...angels and presents...parties and merry times! I've done most of my shopping, posting greeting cards, wrapping gifts and placing them under the tree, stealing my sis' Xmas cakes before Christmas just 'cos I love them lol, and few more clothes and shoe shopping to do. I have to attend few Xmas parties along with 2 bday parties this weekend, a BBQ lunch, a brief getaway with a friend who's here from NZ and we have few people coming over to our place for lunch/dinner over next week. So from this weekend I will be off till the 3rd of January next year...since I have so many people to visit during the holidays, I might not be able to log in from home as much as I do now. Therefore I might not be blogging/visiting your blogs till I return - so please bear with me. And I'm not entirely sure if my blog life is going to last long next year - I will give you my reasons in due time. I'm sure most of you will be away too. So guys have loads of Xmas fun, be merry, eat and drink and dance the worries away...'cos it's not worth spending time thinking about what you don't have...enjoy what you have - get those dancing shoes out of the closet, put em on and strutt your stuff babies ;-) Sleigh bells ring...are you listening....or should it be My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps...:):)

Also I wanna wish my dearest friend Uttara a safe and blissful trip, I will miss u loads my wishing-mermaid! Here's hoping the new year will bring me 2006 less tears. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all! Will miss you heaps when I eat Chritsmas cake and slip-slop-slurrrrp (kiss) under the mistletoe...awwww lol! Stay safe guys, buh byeee, HUGGGGGGZ and MUAHHHHHHZ from Keshi!

Soap Allergy!

Yep that's right, I suffer from soap allergy...lol...but not the kind of soap you're thinking of. More of the soaps that come on TV :) I mean how painfully unrealistic and boring can TV serials get? My mum is the super-fast version of 'The Bold and the Beautiful' (not that I like this serial but it's fun to listen to her telling me of some really amazing occurences that happen in the Forrester family and it's faster to listen to her once a month than actually watch it) . I'm not a person who can sit and watch these serials that don't move from scene-1 through the entire week! Actually 'The Bold and the Beautiful' should be named 'The Slow and the Painful' cos the episodes are excruciatingly slow and surreal. Sometimes when I'm at home and when I have nothing else to do, I sit and watch a daily episode of it with mum. The agony and the make-believe experience they put the poor viewers through is shocking!

One day there was a scene of a guy hanging on to a cliff (after a car accident) and was in grave danger. But then this man will still be hanging in tomorrow's episode as well and will be talking to his girlfriend (who's standing on top of the cliff and is safe btw) about how their love is precious and how they should get back together and live happily ever after. But don't anyone think that he should be saved first? lol! Na he won't be saved for an entire week 'cos the episodes need to be real slow to keep the viewers anticipating in agony...that's torture but some people love it.

Another feature of mega TV soaps is that the mother was once married to her husband's father, that father is now about to get married to that mother's niece, that niece once went out with the mother's ex-boyfriend, and the mother is now about to marry her ex-husband's ex-wife's husband (phewww!) and their daughter is unknowingly going out with her step-brother - obviously (Keshi rolls her eyes...)! Mother will later try to hit on the daughter's boyfriend...or else it wont be a mega-hit soap. If you draw a family-tree for them, it will have branches connecting to each other like no tomorrow!

Real magic too happens in TV soaps...a dead person can come back to life in few episodes' time. How? Well it's easy. The dead person's coffin was stolen on the way to burial and replaced with a rubber mannequin (where were the relatives when this happened?), then some super-doctor knew how to get life back into that body (cos duhh she was apparently only in a coma!), now she comes back alive and goes home to give deadly shocks to her relatives and also to find her husband re-married within few weeks...and that too to her lifetime rival - not a surprise folks. In that few weeks' episodes, the kids have grown from 3yr olds to 18yr olds but the parents still look ever so young and glowing. The dead-and-came-back-to-life mother and father now decide to separate, but a meanie from the past arrives saying she has a love-child with this father! Now there's a burning love-triangle, no wait...it's not a triangle, it's a rectangle 'cos 3 women and 1 man na. Which ghost from the past is coming out of the closet next and what will happen to their love? Now now be patient, wait till you watch the next episode...urgggh rather in the next year!

Folks I really can't watch soaps...they drive me nuts 'cos of how slow, unrealistic and stupid they can get. However when my mum tells me what has happened with Brooke, Eric, Taylor, Ridge etc, it's hilarious 'cos I just cant stop laughing at the supernatural happenings in these families...atleast they give me alot of laughter, ROFL! They should rather be categorised as Comedy. Do you watch serials and if so are you going to start hating me from now on, awww?

An ode to the Daffodils....

ANNOUNCEMENT:
m000nie (Musings) wants everyone to check her blog in the next day or so, as she is going to put up a post for all of you.

Thanks everyone for all your support and most of all for the Love you showered in the last post. You guys are amazing and with people like you, I'd believe anything is possible...peace and unity always starts within a small group and then it can spread worldwide...you all demonstrated that possibility so strongly and I'm oh so happy today. Our feelings get hurt but it's always good when things are spoken out, understood, faults accepted, apologised and forgiven - then everyone is happy. Here's a dedication to each and everyone who supported me to bring m000nie back...it shows how anything is possible with Love. This is one of my favorite poems from school days...and it's especially for you!


I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company
I gazed and gazed but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought.

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude..
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

"I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud"
-William Wordsworth


The Bliss and the Love of you beautiful Daffodils will never fail...THANK YOU! Happy dancing-daffodils weekend all :)

About a girl...

and she is no ordinary girl...

Guys I'm writing this in response to few things that happened recently in blogville. No it's not about the meeting the 000nies had last week - I wasn't told about it either, but that's ok 'cos I understand it happened in a rush. Though I was disappointed at first, I later understood that people didnt have enough time to tell everyone...so it's really ok.

In the past, I have been nullified (with the press of a key) from blogs and lives, by some of my very own so-called blog mates - but that's ok. 'Cos to remain a friend and to be faithful is a hard job to do. It should come naturally and if it doesn't, then it all falls apart. What's built rapidly over lies and fake affection somehow crashes down at the same speed. And really, it's good to be clean and free of fake friendships than maintain them for humanity's sakes or just because you need a huge bunch of friends. These people are no longer my friends...so that's ok. But I must say that all of you who visit me here right now are a bunch of great people and I really value each and everyone of you...so thanks for being there for me, always.

Now leave my sob stories aside. Why I'm writing this is to convey to one such angel, how she influenced my life in very positive ways. It's m000nie (Musings) - she has never let me down in any way, even amidst abuse to her blog and other problems because of my friendship with her. She never lost her patience with me. She never blamed me for something that wasn't my fault. She always understood me and she was very fair. She never forgot me...she never left me out...she always remembered all of us in this close-knit blog family. And since she recently decided never to blog again, I am feeling really sad. 'Cos I don't want her to go away just like that - 'cos there are alot of people who still value her as a person and depend on her great wisdom. m000nie has been one ocean of wisdom and love - she took no sides and is resilient in every way. She never gives up on her friends...she' s a shoulder to cry on and she has been by my side on all of the times friends betrayed me here. She is gentle and one of the very few beautiful souls I have ever met! She has never hurt anyone's feelings...she's a very special soul and I mean it. I learnt alot from her and I really love her as a friend.

So m000nie, I want you to read this and know exactly how I'm feeling...I MISS YOU, so PLEASE STAY GIRL. Remember your favorite flower Iris stands for FAITH and WISDOM...all that you really are...so don't lose your faith in any of us and don't deprive us of the beautiful Iris that you are. Whatever happened, happened for the best...take your time if you must, but don't forget us please...we need someone as real as you are in this very fake world...to keep us believing that truth exists no matter what. I hope you read this m000nie and that you will shower us again with your amazing grace...


Don't go far off, not even for a day, because...
because, I don't know how to say it - a day is long
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift
into me, choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach...
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance,
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest...
because in that moment you'll have gone so far
I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

--Pablo Neruda

In your arms...

His slow, velvet touches take me to a world of unknown pleasures. His soft but deep voice whispers sweet music to my ears. His gentle cuddles bring out the woman in me in ways that can never be said enough. His craving eyes spark a deep fire in my soul. His gentle kisses awaken my sleeping beauty. His manly fingers do my skin divine justice. His head lays heavy on my shoulder and soothes my deepest senses. His moist lips caress my inner soul. His warm breath makes me wail in pleasure. His strong hands that wont let me stray. His sweet smell that meets with mine. His tight embrace that's the closest to heaven. His yearning look that's the face of desire. His beautiful words that give meaning to my existence. His love that validates my presence. His soul that recognises mine. His needs that are found in my heart. His heart where my needs are found. His desire to be with me that recognises mine. His slender body against mine. His soul intertwined with mine. His moments with me that last for eternity. His meaning that is my meaning. His warmth that warms up my nights. His silken caresses that quench my thirst. His magical charm that completes me. These are my moments with my man...

ok so how many of you thought Keshi was losing it? lol! Point of this post is to give a voice to Desire and Passionate moments spent with someone you love. Why don't you too write something along these lines...perhaps 1-5 lines of what Special Moments with your man/woman is/would be like to you...I can see my blogmates sizzling up yeyyyy, cant wait to read ;-)

Use by 12/12/05

Push my buttons and get what you want. I feel like a frikkin vending machine sometimes. Haven't you ever felt that way? When someone you trust take you for a ride? I have been lied to, that's ok I could take it. Atleast I thought I can, but lately I cant stand lies and hypocrisy, it doesn't sell anymore mate. How can you look in the eye of a loved-one and bull sh#t? Some people flaunt their insensitivity in great style. It's ok that you are born insensitive but there are others who are born sensitive, get it? Cold cold hearts and ruthless minds can dwell quite happily in another's misery. Your eyes seem dead and the words sound numb but they stir the last bit of emotion in me to the very core. For you it's just the usual thing, for me it's just a brutal war with my ever-growing emotions. These petals didn't open up for no reason - now they are all so strewn with tears. Thinking these thoughts can never be stopped now - if only you didnt act this callous in the first place.

I don't know if some people like to make a mockery out of others but they do it somehow. I'm not the kind who pay attention to such people, but when it's someone you love and care for it's really hard to tell them off. It's like they don't want to feel weak in front of you so they act heartless and cold. How can you continue to love someone like that? Somehow you end up still wanting the same person! But why? Don't ask me that question, it's like an addicition - the more he/she hurts you, the more you want him/her. The more he/she disregards you, the more you pay heed to him/her. The more he/she pushes you away, the more you try to pull him/her towards you. What is it? I don't get that but alot of people fall into that same trap. It's not that you don't realise that he/she is being insensitive but it's like you are tied to that person by that very insensitivity! Strange but true. I have many sensible friends who have this problem - no matter what, you want that same heartless freak!

Feelings are precious...more precious than Gold. Don't disregard your feelings for a feeling-less person. Don't let them tell you you are a child and too much of a thinker. If you feel that something is not right, then that's what it is, nothing else. Don't let him/her make you forget who you are. Being sensitive is quite good for the soul if not for him/her but don't let that make them misuse you. I'm a sensitive person and my feelings have been used and abused...but I'd never let anyone kill my soul. So you had your share of scorn but look who has failed...it's you. I have always known who I am and I don't wear a mask like you. Where are you going to hide when the makeup fades....where are you going to run away to when someone sees the real you...when you can't even find yourself? That's when the pain will hit you all over your face...the feeling of nothingness...no identity...lost personality. The feeling of feelings misused...the pain that you inflicted upon me. It will get you some day, if not now. Use-by-date for this product has arrived - sorry, go get another one.

Don't insensitive people shock you?

Ebony and Ivory

Ebony and Ivory
Live together in perfect harmony
Side by side on my piano keyboard
Oh Lord, why don't we ?
We all know that people are the same wherever you go
There's good and bad in everyone
We learn to live, we learn to give each other
What we need to survive
Together alive... ... ...

-Sir Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder


Point of this post is not about racism as you may have thought...it's about the Ebony and Ivory in you. Have you pointed a finger at anyone else? When you do, have you noticed that 3 other fingers are pointing towards yourself? Need I say more :) What I want to highlight in this post is that we all make mistakes...all of us are good and all of us are bad... no one is error-free and no one is perfect. Human error is the biggest trait about us that keeps us perfectly human :) The imperfect perfection of being human. The reality of you and me is that we are both good and bad. But that should not make us sit and sulk about it or point fingers at others. What it should do is make us seek for better human qualities such as Acceptance (of your Ebony), Sharing (of your Ivory), Forgiveness (for their Ebony) and Gratitude (for their Ivory).

So you have some Ebony in you and as well as some Ivory. But how many of us are ready to accept our weaknesses? No one! But all of us would love to speak of our strengths. Nothing wrong with that but we must accept that we have weaknesses too. Self-righteousness is the result of a terrible ego. What we must have is a healthy ego - one that preserves our self-respect but one that does not humiliate others - atleast that's what I think. But if that ego over-flows, self-righteousness sprouts. I'm-always-right-you-are-always-wrong kind of attitude. It will bring so much pain to you later in life...'cos people who care for you will be afraid of you...run away from you 'cos to be around you would be like to be around a bossy teacher who always points fingers at his/her students. Instead, try and be like a student among other students...know your Ebony and accept them...learn to apologise for your weaknesses instead of covering them. Also know your Ivory...flaunt them (yes :) and teach others to be better. And then know the Ebony of others too...tell them when they are wrong instead of approving them in fear of rejection and forgive them when they accept their faults. Get to know their Ivory as well...learn from them instead of being jealous and thank them for sharing.

Self-development begins when you recognise that you too can be wrong sometimes and that others too can be right many a times.

Now who's game enough to speak of their worst Ebony...and best Ivory? You are most welcome to point out my worst Ebony and best Ivory too. Oh ok, let me start then...

My worst Ebony - Impatience

My best Ivory - Kindness

What are you waiting for now guys? Let the Acceptance, Sharing, Forgiveness and Gratitude begin!

Nature in you..

Ok after a heavy topic, let's relax a bit. As Gangadhar suggested I think I must give some people a break...or else mass murder will occur in my blog too, out of pure hatred and vengeance...lol!

This post is a simple one...just take part if you wish to :)

1.If you were a flower what flower would you be and why?
2.If you were a fruit what fruit would you be and why?

3.If you were an animal what animal would you be and why?
4.If you were a season, what season would you be and why?
5.Pick any blogmate(s) and tell me what flower/fruit/animal/season they would be and why?

We are human but all of us carry some traits very closely related to nature, be it flowers, fruits, animals or seasons. So dive in and see the 'nature' in you :) My answers for myself and for you, will be given at the end of all your answers (as usual).
Have a good day folks!

In search of Compassion

Guys I know I have spoken about Death Penalty last week, but this is to inform that Tuong Van Nguyen was executed this morning at a Changi prison 6am Singapore time (9am Aus time). I couldn't help but write this post for the injustice against humanity that was carried out this morning (leaving aside the fact that he was a criminal).

I don't know Van at all, but I have Compassion for him...and I know what Love is...it's not about I, ME and MYSELF...it's about YOU too. It's about learning to forgive others and allowing people to change. It's about having faith and trust in a young person to change...to do something good some day...to give him a chance. It's not about Revenge! Van's lawyer said that Van had immensely changed in his prison time, became a devoted Catholic and was prepared to die without blaming anyone for his fate. He had a troubled story behind him too (the 2 boys above are Van and his twin brother in childhood)...just like all of us have a story to tell, but now who was willing to listen to his story? No one. He carried drugs once in his life, so let's all get together and kil him?? Van's execution showed how little mankind has changed from the olden days where people were beheaded and the punishment didn't even fit the crimes. Man is still very evil and when I read some comments in the newspapers that supported his execution, I was shocked at how heartless some people can be. But at the same time churches around Australia and hundreds of people were keeping candlelight vigils for Van in the past few days leading upto his final minute on this Earth - that showed that alot of people have real Compassion in them too. I was at peace knowing that.

I know Van did something wrong and he had to go by the Singaporean law, but don't we ever make mistakes in our lives? And killing Van wont give him time to repent, neither will it stop the drug business. The man who doesn't choose drugs will never do drugs...the man who chooses drugs, will always do drugs, irrespective of Van's death. And the drug addicts, please don't blame it on Van...if you chose to take drugs, then it's your fault too. Where there is Demand there will be supply. While I don't condone Van's crime of carrying drugs, I don't condone the brutal execution either. And for those who say that he was about to ruin millions of other lives with drugs, please think twice...like I said before without demand there won't be supply. And those who take drugs are doing a crime too...what about their mistakes - do they get death penalty too? One way or the other, it's very easy to blame others but yourself. In a so-called civilised world today, where is Compassion or are we all just putting on an act of Love and Compassion while inside we are really evil? Ask yourselves that question. Where is dignity for human life? And to hang a man is a disgustingly cold-blooded thing to do!

I walked into my office this morning feeling horrible and helpless 'cos someone was being hanged while I went about doing my normal thing...that the world watched on and that there was absoultely nothing that could be done to help Van! Shame on you people who killed him...look into your hearts and search for Compassion...it's a huge mistake you made, much more worse than what Van made. 'Cos what you did will come back to haunt you. You all lack Compassion...find it before you lose yourself in anger, revenge and sheer evil. I couldn't sleep last night...it was disgusting and heartbreaking to see that Van still went to the gallows and no one in this big wide so-called beautiful world could stop it. Capital Punshiment should be eradicated in Memory of people like Van. Please don't think I'm making a martyr out of a criminal - this is about Human Life irrespective of what kind of mistakes he made. We can't allow calculated MURDER to take place whether by law or not. That's not quality justice..it's just economical and barbaric!

I know that I will fight against death penalty no matter what...I have already been in touch with Amnesty even before Van's death and many more barbaric deaths, and I want to see that the world has nothing called Death Penalty in future, even if that takes many years to achieve. If you are with me on this, please help mankind know what true Compassion is before it disappears from the face of this Earth amidst violence and revenge. It won't do anything for mankind, but death and destruction. Is this the way we want to guide our children's conscience? How sad. Please get in touch with Amnesty and help to eradicate barbaric practices from this world.

Atleast now Van has been set free of evil men who thought his life was nothing and less valuable than their's. He will be forgiven and loved again. May he find that Compassion in God's loving arms...