Monday, May 4

Broken Beyond Breaking...

Last night I couldn't sleep...the insomniac in me decided to pay me a visit and I was wide awake while everyone in town was fast asleep. My mind wandered, wandered to the distant past when I slept in peace, without a care...a child with happy dreams and a world waiting to unravel before me. What have I become? Over the years, I have turned into a restless, sleep-deprived, hopeless junkie of some sorts. Now I wanna run away from that same world I so anticipated. Something is eating me alive. And I don't know what it is. Maybe I lost my way. Maybe I have become immune to what most people call building a future or living a 'normal' life is. I don't follow the norm anyways. yeah I'm an abnormal girl..some kind of beast that the 'normal' crowd won't appreciate. Not that I care anyways. I don't know what I'm waiting for. Neither do I know what keeps me going somehow. Sometimes I feel this is all a bore, a pseudo drama that needs to be staged in order to get by...to be equal...to be accepted. But why do I even have to get by? Who am I trying to impress? Why do I even have to? I put my iPod on and the first song it played was 'Dumb' by Nirvana. Yes! At that moment I was feeling pretty dumb...pretty ridiculous...pretty useless...pretty small. What am I? No wait, what the hell am I? haaaaaha! It's all such a joke and all the people are playing a dumb game. Isn't life rather funny? The things we do, the way we take the smallest of things and put them on a pedestal and worship them. The way we spend a lifetime chasing something that may not matter at all in the end. The way we give importance to the silliest of things that somehow keeps us hooked at the cost of other things. The way we pretend, the way we just float, the way we walk around in pieces. I saw myself trying to piece together a million shattered pieces of me. And I also saw myself being afraid of breaking again. You cannot break something that's already broken, can you? I laughed at myself. Then I fell asleep.



~~Skin the sun
Fall asleep
Wish away
soul is cheap...
Lesson learned
Wish me luck
Soothe the burn
Wake me up~~


Current Music: Dumb by Nirvana

101 Cranium Signets:

яノςんム said...

awwww.. babes.. i dunno wat normal is.. we are abnormal in our own styles..
n those who have set the normal standards were thinking i dunno wat!!

its okay. lets be us, being normal is secondary.. :)

love!!

d gypsy! said...

take care girl, like the night everything passes away, so dont worry and stay put :)

mutleythedog said...

I always find masturbation solves insomnia...

Devika said...

I can fully appreciate your thinking Keshi, but I find it a bit odd when you generalise your statements with a 'we'...i mean towards the end of the post,

It may not be the same for all, I feel...ofcourse many might agree, But there could be exceptions, Keshi...those who go about it all deliberately, for some reason, you or me might never know fully,

even me, I have my reasons for my actions, i don't think I'm one who floats, though I let that happen sometimes, also for some reason.

anyway, nice to know at the end you could laugh at yourself and sleep well!

Many a times before I felt the same way...but, as living beings with a thinking capacity, breaking is a choice we have even if we are thrown to rocks!

and of course we have people who care for us...though the world at large may seem unkind!

love,
devika

Satish Bolla said...

yep, u got it right. life is a joke where we r the people on whom the joke is made. at least, i feel so

Rakesh Vanamali said...

Introspection, eh? Not a good thing to do while wanting to fall asleep!

anits said...

hi keshi...first of all...wer did u get d photo...tulip luk like the girl's skirt...so creative... actually myself also find very difficult to sleep....thinking too much i guess...hmmm....letz live the life n b happy n happy....
have a nice day ahead...tcare

Arv said...

sometimes, broken things do get mended...

Hoping that you felt better this morning :)

take care... cheers...

Hemanth Potluri said...

i read it 3 times and i still dont know y u say ur broken...am i not here..ur never broken sweets...its just a mood change...please be cool...give me some time may be i will be more cool to comment again ...

urs..hemu..

oo7 said...

what going on keshi?
you okay?
we are here
bearhugs

Enigma said...

sleepless?? humm wat happened?

Swetha Padakandla said...

ahhh ho!!

okay, i admit sometimes mind runs and thinks like this...
yestrday nyt, i too was awake sobbing for nothing!
thinking wht the shit am i doing in life? and whr the hell am i?

i had no answer! without any answer i fell asleep! and morning i was back to normal..!
i had no questions as those i had in the previous nyt!

i too turn abnormal at times without reasons but with so many questions..

i have no answer for u! bt i can only tell u "smile".. whtver it is.. just smile! :)

cheers
swetha

enchantinganki said...

tats called life; a bitter truth!!

We all are going through this in some or the other way..

not a strangeness , but usualness of life!

The Pink Orchid said...

this too shall pass and you shall get your peace.. we don't have to struggle to be accepted. we might as well be taken the way we are. and no you are not abnormal, you are normal just like all of us. May be your thoughts are unconventional sometimes but that's ok and better because that sort of widens your horizons. but then again too much of self-analysis takes away our peace and we start watching each step of ours and we just can't let it be..let things be...so all i'd say is relax lady!

hugssss!!

Ria said...

I cant believe.....someone can actually be so so like me!! There r innumerable no. of times tht i remember havin gone thru such a phase, of not being abe to sleep, the feeling of restlessness...as if i am waiting for something to happen. But its baffling coz i really dunno wht m i waiting for!

Its a feeling no one can understand...not my friends, neither my parents nor the love of my life.Thts why i choose too to keep this side of me hidden, under wraps coz i dont want anybody to think tht this girl's crazy!!

!Teq-uila Del Zapata said...

Well i thought i had sleepless nights.
but ur thoughts are so similar.
Listening Nirvana late at night is a bad idea, can cause some damage, LOL!

Danny BaGucci said...

We all grow up and time changes the dynamics of our lives.. First time here. Pretty detailed dairy you're keeping it seems....

Jeevan said...

I don't know what to say, well many nights i have been like this. hope u sleep well this night dear :)

Mayz said...

waz d fun in being normal...rasputin was born wid 2 d**** n hez regarded as russias greatest lover...

n u being broken...can i have a piece plz??? i'll keep it under my pillow every night :)

tulipspeaks said...

insomnia.. something that has been a frequent visitor of my nights :(

i don't know if i'm having insomnia bcoz i'm imagining things or i'm imagining things bcoz i'm having insomnia.

guess u r having the same prob too.


ammu.

Suresh Kumar said...

Well... this seems to be a continuation of your reply to my post ('life is a mockery')

But its a good thing to sit up and fight (whatever be the thoughts) rather than going to bed, mad at the world...

I hope every night is not the same story!

Am In Trance said...

You are hiding something....
To your SELF...

Utopia said...

I often call myself a walking, talking, perfectly functional emotional wreck. Yup that is what I am :-)! I am broken into millions of pieces yet I am this one fantabulous piece for the world to see. I know it doesn't make sense but I totally get what you are hinting at.

Tarun said...

Well something about the iPod first,I dont know but you know it tends to play the songs I wish to hear among the songs I have no, I dont touch the dial).

Yeah I too have experienced that as I have grown up my sleep is not sound anymore.
:(
Well come to the abnormal club.
Normal people dont blog *same pinch*
rofl


Life is a butterfly it flies away if u chase it and it sits on your shoulder when you are just admiring it.

Hope it makes sense.


Howa u Keshi?

ash89 said...

hey keshi... relax sweetie! Whats this about being normal! Ur different. Whats wrong with that?

Prashanti :) said...

awww kesh...... normal is what you make it to be !!!!!!!!

so dun worry ans rock all those sleep less nights with a old senti movie and dark chocolate :)

vishesh said...

you break that which is broken but you can scrape your knee which is healing ;) see sometimes it is better to do that , just to remind ourselves when that happened first ...the key to the door on the new wall...

Diya said...

"I saw myself trying to piece together a million pieces that i had broken into"
This got me contemplating. A mind- blogging post Keshi. Itz the stage where you think everything is done and gone and I am the waste leftover...! And it feels miserable.
Neways, cheer up dear... we are always beside you. :)

Phoenix said...

it must be huge an issue for you to say something like this... i wish i could comfort you and take away all your pain..

a beautiful person like you deserves all the happiness in the world...

it may sound lame but i belive in this... tough times dont last but tough people do...

*hugs*

love you loads

Shoe Girl said...

Your post reminded me of that coldplay song... "Just because I'm losing..doesnt mean I'm lost.."


and for insomnia...well! now is the time to be awake..to be alive. Sleep can wait girlie

Hugs!

Phoenix said...

Relax...it's just negative energy that builds up over a period of time, and hence has to be purged out from time to time

DewdropDream said...

That is such a beautiful photo you've used! How do you find this stuff?!

Feeling broken and lost is perhaps more common a part of our lives than we care to admit... it's a way of being grounded and constantly being able to figure a way out. Maybe it's not really as hopeless as it sounds :)

muthu said...

wow... that was a strong post.. the point hit me across the face.

i agree and disagree with you...

everyone is shattered, broken and have faced disappointments in our lives that have undone too many things.

yeah, but it is in those broken pieces, i think life comes out as a whole.

have ever went out and seen the sun set. it is not by any means a whole piece but when all the broken strands of light go together with the sky and the sun, a miracle is created. a beauty is made whole - a sunset.

the same way in which you put together all the pieces of your thoughts into this lovely powerful post that has garnered you 33 comments along with mine....

you are a whole as i see it...

cheers to life and cheer up girl...

you have too much of life and creativity in you to feel the way you feel.....

once again.. get out see the sun set. try to see what i see. try to feel what i feel.

life is calling you. where are you???

Jay said...

Take care babe! ;-)

Beach Bum said...

Maybe I lost my way. Maybe I have become immune to what most people call building a future or living a 'normal' life is.

1956: Steinbeck wrote to an aspiring writer from Salinas: “Don't think for a moment that you will ever be forgiven for being what they call 'different.' You won't!

2009: Beach Bum wrote to a good friend in Australia to heck with everyone else. Be true to yourself.

muthu said...

hey, thanks 4 your comments. :)

I jus hope you saw what i saw

V. Archana said...

hey keshi,what happened? i hope everything is fine now.Take care :)

ishipishi said...

I get my deepest insights when I'm up at night or when I suddenly wake up and a thought occurs to me. How similar we are kesh....though I do believe (as someone else mentions here) that like the night passes away and the following day brings new promises...that's how my life is too...

I try to find my sense of happiness in all the little things in life...in the routine and mundane things arnd me..without worrying about the bigger picture...more often than not the bigger picture isn't what we'd want it to be...

Dunno if that makes sense to u but there are reasons why we're here and one of the reasons I can give u with respect to me is that ur writing and ur blogging makes a difference to me...and to so many more who get around to read through ur blogs without judging u at every step...this cld be one of the many lil things that should give u a reason to smile...kesh :)

AmitL said...

Hi,Keshi-that's quite a bit of introspection you've done..believe me,there's nothing which has a common definition for'normal life'-me being me,I observe people at close quarters,rather than talking nineteen-to-the-dozen,and I realize that everyone is different-everyone has his or own set of values,everyone has his likes,dislikes,hates,loves...and,I respect that..even if they're rude towards me,or,act haughty..well,it's their right,of course..but,on the other hand,what I do ensure I have is respect for my self-coz that's what matters..and,a simple way to check whether you're 'normal' in your own eyes is,make a list(I did do that)of all that's good and positive that's happened and is happening in your life,and, against that,a list of what is not good and whether I can change that to the good side.It really works!!Good luck!And,have a grrrt day!!:)Will comment on your previous post later in the day-it was pretty inspirational!!:)

Whitesnake said...

KESHI HEEEEEEELLLLLOOOOOOO!

Welcome ta the JUNGLE!

Whitesnake said...

Don't bother with a boozy drink!
have a hot bubble bath or a hot shower sip some nice hot coco or choclate find a book ya like and reread it snuggled in bed and let father time pop by and close ya eyes and bring on the peaceful restful sleep many of us crave.

A large straight whiskey works for me.

The other thing is we could take ya out the back and just shoot ya.......only prob with that is ya would never wake up...so we'll srub that one aye.....Ya wouldn't appreciate it......the sleep I mean!

Keshi said...

tnxx guys, will reply as soon as I get some time!

Keshi.

Shachi said...

Oh boy - hope you feel better Dear....there are zillions of things to look forward to and you know that....you fall, you get up, and you walk again. It keeps going on...and we are all here to provide you strength when you need it :) XOXO!

Keshi said...

ty Richa!

Just that sometimes I feel so small...in this big big world full of big big plans.

Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww ty Gypsy!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

Mutley lol actually i dun wanna 'resolve' my Insomnia..I like it cos it makes me SEE things clearly than at day time :)


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Devika!


** but I find it a bit odd when you generalise your statements with a 'we'...i mean towards the end of the post. It may not be the same for all...


I didnt GENERALISE it Devika :) I didnt say that everyone sees the world this way or feel this way abt life. This is how I feel abt the world and life. This is how I see everyone around me. That doesnt mean everyone else sees it that way too...I know that.


By FLOAT I didnt mean 'existing' and not 'living'. Im a person who's very determined and work veryhard. By float, I meant how we grace this Earth in pieces...pieces of yday, today and tmrow.


Yes I agree...we do hv loved-ones. But we cant always turn to them for our every need either.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Satish yeah its a big joke n we r the clowns lol!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

Rakesh I cudnt help it...cos I was wide awake and my mind wasnt very quiet either :)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Anits I got that pic from a friend :)

I dun suffer from Insomnia on a daily basis...only on some days.

If u hv it all the time, try this b4 u go to sleep:


*take a nice warm shower

*hv a glass of warm milk

*read a book in bed

*listen to some soothing music

*count sheep...I mite use the calculator like Mr.Bean LOL!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww ty Arv!

**sometimes, broken things do get mended...

can u tell me where they get mended?


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Hemz aww ty!

dun worry I'll be ok...cos BROKEN is a part of me now :)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

oo7 Im ok tnxx mate! I know all of u r here...thats the best thing abt Blogville!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

Enigma nothing in particular 'happened' :) Just a sleepless nite u see...

Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Swetha tnxx hun!

**yestrday nyt, i too was awake sobbing for nothing!
thinking wht the shit am i doing in life? and whr the hell am i?


awww *HUGZ*

It happens to us all from time to time..

Like u said, tomorrow is a new day that brings a whole lot of new feelings and surprises. I hope u find alot of pleasant surprises sweetie. TC!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Enchanting WC n ty!


I agree it's life..then what is LIFE? :)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey ty Pink_Orchid!


**but then again too much of self-analysis takes away our peace and we start watching each step of ours and we just can't let it be..let things be

I agree...but sometime I just cant help trying to find the meaning of it all!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww Ria u made me feel very 'normal' :) tnxx hun!


**Thts why i choose too to keep this side of me hidden, under wraps coz i dont want anybody to think tht this girl's crazy!!

hehehe...true...if my mum reads this she'll worry!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

Anuz tnxx mate!

**Listening Nirvana late at night is a bad idea, can cause some damage

There's nothing more to be 'damaged' in me Anuz. This heart is scarred beyond plastic surgery haha!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

WC Danny n ty!

yes...dynamic indeedz!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww Jeevan u too? HUGS!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

Mayz but Im no Rasputin LOL!

** u being broken...can i have a piece plz???

aww...which 'piece' d u want? Im not being sarcastic here LMAO!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Ammu!

**i don't know if i'm having insomnia bcoz i'm imagining things or i'm imagining things bcoz i'm having insomnia.

u should be able to tell...if ur an insomniac, u r WIDE awake in the middle of the nite :)


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Suresh!

**But its a good thing to sit up and fight (whatever be the thoughts) rather than going to bed, mad at the world...

Well-said!

Im usually not the one who buries things behind my head and go on with life as if everything is ok. I wanna FACE em all...face all my feelings to the fullest.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Trance!


**You are hiding something....
To your SELF...

I can never hide anything from myself...but from the world, yes :)


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Utopia!

**I often call myself a walking, talking, perfectly functional emotional wreck

good self-description there! suits me too :)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Tarun ty!

**Normal people dont blog

HAHA good one! I agree :)

My friends n cousins think Im mega wierd...cos I blog.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Ash I dunno..I feel Im a total MISFIT among the ppl I know. They all seem to talk a different language, if u know what I mean.

Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Prashanti tnxx babez!

**old senti movie and dark chocolate

ooo I'd love that...with Diego for my company too? LOL!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

WOW ty Vish nicely put!

**but you can scrape your knee which is healing

I agree...but I dun feel the pain anymore...


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Diya!

**Itz the stage where you think everything is done and gone and I am the waste leftover

yep...Im often left wondering abt it..is there anything else for me to wait for?


Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww ty Phoenix!

**it must be huge an issue for you to say something like this

I can tackle any issue in this world but the hardest one for me to u'stand is the meaning of this so-called LIFE...WTH is it? LOL!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Shoe_girl!

**"Just because I'm losing..doesnt mean I'm lost.."

yep..kinda like that :)


Im awake all nite all day always...my mind is so sleepless!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Phoenix WC!

**it's just negative energy that builds up over a period of time, and hence has to be purged out from time to time

I dunno if it's that...cos I always wondered abt LIFE..it's meaning...it's purpose...


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty DDD!

**it's a way of being grounded and constantly being able to figure a way out.

I agree totally...the more I think abt it, the more I find new avenues hidden in my mind.

Keshi.

Keshi said...

Muthu hey WC n ty!

**everyone is shattered, broken and have faced disappointments in our lives that have undone too many things.

its not even abt disappointments...cos I'd need an entire library of books to write abt all of my disappointments lol!


Its more abt the underlying formula of life...wut exactly is it? Why am I here?


I've been watching the sunset all my life Muthu...Im such a Nature lover :)

ty for ur encouraging words!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Jay! :)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

awww ty BB that was so well put! :)

*HUGZ*

Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Muthu tnxx :)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Archana! :)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww ty Ish HUGS!

d u know how GOOD I feel to hv ya bak in Blogville? I feel that the 'magic' of blogville is back! Seriously, u make such an impact on me :) Besides, we r old mates...and we reconnect instantly no matter how long the break was.



**without worrying about the bigger picture...more often than not the bigger picture isn't what we'd want it to be

I agree totally! thats why it makes me kinda sad...sometimes I feel Im just living a mirage...even tho I enjoy the little things in life.


*HUGZ* ty so much for the lovely comment Ish! u made my day.

Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey ty Amit!

Im really not worried abt being 'abnormal' or 'normal' or whatever it is :) Cos I know each one of us is different.

Its just that I feel Im a misfit...often I feel like an 'outsider' wherever I go.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Steve it sure is a JUNGLE, ty! ;-)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

HAHA Steve u may shoot me mate...cos thats the kinda sleep I really need. The one that u cant wake up from :)

bubble bath...yeah that too! ;-)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww ty Shachi!

**there are zillions of things to look forward to and you know that.

like wut?


Keshi.

!Teq-uila Del Zapata said...

>>>There's nothing more to be 'damaged' in me Anuz. This heart is scarred beyond plastic surgery

That's very pessimistic, cheer up girl.
Why so serious?

Keshi said...

Anuz Im not being pessimistic :) Its the truth. But there's nothing wrong with that...I like it that Im broken like this..or else I'd never hv known the things I know now hehe...

Keshi.

Ani said...

awww dearies.. its ok..

it happens.. all of us keep visiting our past sometimes .. its to see how n what we hve gone through.. n wonder why things happened the way we it did.. oh well.. thts how life is..

Tarun said...

In the world of weird all are equal.
Weird as good as mega weird.

Quality, Quantity and Quantum in weird world has a limited scope.


:D

Keshi said...

yes Ani thats right :) ty!

Hows u?

Keshi.

Keshi said...

I agree Tarun!

Keshi.

PRADEEP K. said...

"I saw myself trying to piece together a million pieces that i had broken into"

I guess everyone goes through this at different stages of life; if sometimes life seems to be a jigsaw puzzle, at other times we ourselves seem to be shattered into a puzzle, and we start wondering if at all we could piece it all together.

You asked somewhere "What is LIFE?" Well, for one thing, life is an incurable, sexually transmitted, terminal illness. LOLOL...

Isn't normal boring, Keshi?

Huggzzz...
Muaaahhh

Keshi said...

aww ty Praddy!

hey good one there...life indeed is a sexually transmitted disease LOL!

Keshi.

Adisha said...

Some days sleep is just hard to come by ... with the days questions, worries and pains creeping up your spine ... tingling !!

Wishing you a very good night's sleep now on ...

Cheers,
adisha

Shachi said...

The very fact that you are alive and have all these emotions/feelings...this time you get to reflect/retrospect, the memories...its something to look forward to.

Everyone feels broken - I felt that way numerous times and still feel that way sometimes....it's good to feel that way coz it makes you real, makes you feel human, and living LIFE than living in a virtual world pretending something else....but there are things I can look forward to every single day....

Keshi said...

hey ty Adisha...I know, Im glad its just SOME days :)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww Shachi ur answer was brilliant!


**The very fact that you are alive and have all these emotions/feelings...this time you get to reflect/retrospect, the memories...its something to look forward to.

Actually, thats all that keeps me going at the moment. I hv so much to share with u all, so much to say, but I feel there's so little time.


*HUGZ*

Keshi.

Keshi said...

o I forgot to say Shachi..

**it's good to feel that way coz it makes you real, makes you feel human, and living LIFE than living in a virtual world pretending something else


thats so true! Im someone who shares my feelings with others no matter what. its better to be open and die fast, than to be closed and fade away...


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Praddy u r right..

**if sometimes life seems to be a jigsaw puzzle,

it sure is...pieces n pieces :)

I forgot to address that part of ur comment b4..hence it's here now.

tnxx!

Keshi.

Kartz said...

This too shall pass. :) We are still here! Hello? Eyes open? :P*

Be *urself*. :)

Peace.

Keshi said...

hey ty Kartz :)

Keshi.