Beauty and the Beast

First of all, thanks so much for being there for me always. You guys are amazing 'cos it seems you've all got the power to heal me...didn't someone say blogging is therapy :) Luv you all, mwahh! And there's a rose for you, now try and get it ;-)

ok now it's the weekend quiz time on self-analysis. Try and answer these 2 questions and c'mon, be honest ok :)

1.What's your favorite part in your body and why?
2.What do you hate the most about your body and why?

There, 2 simple questions. What this might get you to realise is that you do have something beautiful about your body (if you were previously not such a vain person like me who doesn't need to be told that lol!) and also to realise that you do have something not-so-beautiful about your body (being so vain I was in shock after realising this about me, sobbbbbbbbz!).

My answers as follows:
1. Actually I love everything about me, so go ask someone else okkk. LOL ok ok let me stop bragging goshh Keshi you vain creature!
I love my skin the best...I have beautiful, smooth, healthy skin with a balanced and honey toned complexion. And why do I like it, cos that makes me gl-l-l-l-ow...glow baby glow...lol!
2.What do I hate most about my body? mmmmm nothing at all goshhh I'm a goddess you know, jeeez are you even asking this question, I'm appalled man! ok ok let me come down to my senses folks :)

I hate my toes - that's the most undesirable part in my body. My second toe is a little longer than the first (just like the feet in this pic) and my mum reckons that's why I'm mega stubborn duhhh! Why I don't like it, cos it makes my feet look not-so-neat...sobbbbbbbz!

ok time for your confessions babehs...get on with it! And have a beautiful weekend with your beauty and your beast ;-)

Unbreak This Heart

These eyes have cried a Nile of tears...this heart has known an Everest of pain...this soul has felt an Ocean of feelings. You don't know 'cos you can't see. You can't see 'cos you won't see. I'm just here only for a while...did you think I deserve to be sad. If you are my shelter should I feel this helpless. If you are my home should I feel this homeless. If you are my light should I feel this lost. If you're not a mirage then show me your face. Unbreak my heart...uncry these tears...undo this hurt...unlie those lies...ungrow the loneliness. Show me you care, show me real love. Show me you're there.

Carnivorous Blooms

She's beautiful. She's got ivory skin, dark hair, large black eyes, pink lips, tall figure and a slender body. She's gorgeous, yes she is. You could say she's got a kindness about her too, but not for too long. Beware, she attracts you to her vicinity but makes you pay for it forever. She will help you but she insists your worship eternally. She will take your help but never is grateful. No one can talk about her but she talks about everyone else. No one is above her but she can be above everyone. She beckons divinity yet she's very much a mere mortal. She wails for constant applaud but she never applauds you. She loves everyone but she doesnt know what love is. She's got external beauty but is that what beauty is?

That is someone I know in my real life. She has helped me at a time I needed her help and I aprreciate that. In return I have helped her in a way that I cant even write here 'cos it's quite confidential. Not that I want to be praised for that but she never appreciates my help. She only sees what she did. I don't ask for recognition for the help I did to her as long as we can just be great company to each other. But even that, she is not happy with. She wants more and more and more of the acknowledgment of whatever she did to me and that's about it. It's been few years of worshipping her now and dancing to her tune. The last time I spoke to her was to convey my condolences to her as her father-in-law had passed away. Do you think she spared me the worshipping even then? Nope and I cant tell you how she asked for it, it's too shameful. Guess what...it broke the walls of the forced-respect that I had for her and so I told her what I truly felt. That I have had enough of her pride and ego and that one should not expect so much from someone. I couldnt believe it that I said that to her! Cos she was like a goddess among many and no one would dare speak to her in that way. Her physical beauty is something that everyone else respected her for no matter how egoistic she could get. I'm sorry to say this but her heart is unpretty. Isnt that what we should really keep beautiful? What's the point of looking drop-dead gorgeous but not being able to understand another human being or not being able to communicate with someone without making that person feel like he/she's noone? What's the point in being the diva when you can't even think clearly 'cos your psyche is fogged up by a begging ego? I think that to help someone is mighty, but to beg for worship in return for that is quite tiny. Being physically beautiful is a blessing but being emotionally beautiful is an earning.

You Sexy Thing!

I'm completely drained guys from what has been happening in the last few weeks. I need a break from all this drama :) So this post is an opportunity for you to say something 'sexy' to me. In return I will say something 'sexy' to you. Hahahaha na I haven't lost it altogether yet, but guess few of my close buddies here wanted me to chill and have a break from all the fuss too. So I guess this is one way to cheer me up ;-) I like warm, exciting and sensual words..get the hint? lol good. Well it doesn't have to be me, you can choose anyone of your choice to say something 'sexy' to them. Go for it guys and girls! muahhhhhhhhhh mah sexy babehs ;-)

Shades Of Charade

Some folks are like ever-changing colors. It's hard to trust the colors seen by night 'cos they'd look different in the morning. I don't like fake hellos and plastic smiles. I dont want praise and glory or honey-coated lies. 'Yes' you answered me last night...'No' you say by the dawn of light...colors seen by candlelight, may not look the same by daylight.

Net friends...is this a provable concept? I have made great many friends here on the net, no doubt about that. Most of us here are blog mates but I'm sure some of you know each other for a longer time and have exchanged emails/phone numbers etc and gone one step ahead in it. But I want to know the meaning of a net friendship with comparison to a non-net friendship. Why I feel I need to know this is 'cos I don't want to be the only one to think that there is actually feelings, emotions and love involved in net friendships. I could be living a one-sided relationship and I could be fooling myself to no ends. I had 4 good friends here - knew them for a long time, exchanged emails etc and they said a million sweet things about me. We built walls of steel around our friendship. But right now, not even the dust of those walls exist. Looks like those walls were nothing but just bits and bytes. And I swear the common reason why they erased 'Keshi' off their memory was 'cos I was being too upfront and I was too much to handle. My crime was my honesty and I know that few things I did/said hurt them. I have apologised but yet none of those many 'sweet' things about me counted in the end. What mattered to them was the one wrong thing I did. In real life, we forgive and forget great many mistakes between good friends and usually we are back on track. Isn't that what's supposed to happen between 'good' friends? Few other friends here I trust but who knows what the future of that will be? It scares me to get attached to people this way and get stabbed by their colorful thorns few months down the track. One by one, few of my close net buddies are showing that this is the most fragile bond on Earth. I sense imitation. Net or not, to me a friend is a friend. But I guess I'm wrong about this. Can someone tell me what a net friendship really is? Do we go about pretending or should we be open and honest about one another even at the risk of being thrown out of their hearts? Or is friendship much more important than our own selves and beliefs?

The colors of net bonds seem to change very rapidly from vibrant shades into light and almost non-visible hues. Why? Is it because no one really cares what happens to the other person 'cos everyone is behind some Id? But don't they realise there's a heart beating behind that Id? I guess it's not the walls that have been built with steel, it's their hearts - they don't melt. People who have told the most sweetest things about me have been the first to fade into the lightest tint ever. I still remain the same shade but you are different, why? A charade of bonds built in bits and bytes and words typed by cold fingers? Please tell me I'm wrong.

The Lone Traveller

There's nothing more liberating than being self sufficient. Nothing more peaceful than being comfortable with who you are. Nothing more therapeutic than being unbound by bonds. Nothing more tranquil than being alone and yet feeling like the whole world is with you. The only way you can achieve that peace is by being true to yourself and by portraying that true self to the world. By making it clear to yourself that you are not going to fear losing...fear loneliness...fear being rejected and forgotten. Fear of losing good friends, fear of making enemies, fear for safety and fear of tears...all of this may prevent you from being who you are, the real you. So you may wear a mask to 'socialise', to be 'accepted', not to be 'alone'. When you come back home, take off your mask and ask yourself if you're happy. If you are, you may continue doing the show for the rest of your life...but if you're not happy, then throw the mask away and you may find the direction to happiness. Lonely you may end up as, but peace may be your new companion.

I mostly go out with my mum, sis or friends...be it to the movies, visiting, beach, shopping etc. I do go alone to the shops sometimes but that's when I need peace for myself to choose what I want. Did I say 'peace'? Yes, it's very peaceful when I go shopping by myself...this is not to say that my mum/sis/friend is a pain in the booty lol, but I have to admit that I don't appreciate too much clutter or too much info that confuses me when I have to buy something, be it a gift or something for the house. When too many people's input is received by my delicate brain, I get so stressed out and end up buying something I wouldnt even dream of selling! hehehe point is...when I'm alone I have peace. The peace to evaluate my options and choose carefully when I make decisions be it big or small. Another thing I do by myself is going for my daily fitness walks. That's another truly peaceful time I really enjoy. As I pass the many houses, trees, people, flowers and as I tread on little paths all alone, I feel an immense serenity wrapping me up. The absense of chatter is sweet music to my ears...the sound of birds, trees and some sweet kids' voices down the road is all I hear and that's just very rewarding. I sometimes drive alone and that's the time I drive my best...no one chatting in the car, no one to lower my music volume :) and no one telling me what to do that may distract me. I know that it's hard to survive without the people you love and ofcourse you need their input every now and then, but there may be times when you feel that being alone could make things alot more clearer to you even though you may be compelled to listen to others - at those times, take a trip alone and see how you feel. It's important to know that it's not a bad thing to be alone and it has it's advantages too. Being alone can be the only time to make peace with yourself and realise who you really are...and the only time you could do something without feeling too obliged just so that you look polite to the rest of the world. Loneliness can teach you many things. It can bring out the best in you and make you stronger. It can make you realise that even if all your loved-ones left you, you will still survive. No it's not about being selfish, it's about giving yourself some love, time and peace that you deserve so much and it's the only time you can take a good look at your soul in the mirror. A lone traveller marches ahead with less baggage....

Freedom of Speech

EDIT:PLEASE READ CONFUSED'S LATEST POST - he expresses my exact views about fanaticism brilliantly and that's just what I wanted to convey from my 'Whispers of a Veil' post. Take it as you like it folks!

Many people are afraid to speak out, to stand up for themselves, to question the unquestioned, to challenge the dangerous, to doubt their own...but I'm not. I believe in freedom of speech and myself, and even if it's going to hurt my best friend or my mother, I will say what I feel is the truth and what I believe in. Especially if it's something that violates human rights, I don't care if it's my blood, my race, my country or my friend that's the reason for it, I will speak out. I can't stand hypocrisy and I will say so and I will give you my story. If you can't take it, or if you think I'm wrong, give me your valid reasons here...if you keep silent and tell everyone else that you are hurt, then you have either misunderstood me or you think I'm cruelly right or you are too afraid to speak out here or you are one who don't find freedom of speech right.

People, my 'Whispers of a Veil' post has disheartened few of my close friends in the blogland. But that doesn't take back any of the words I said in that post. I said it cos I know what I was talking about and I don't believe I hurt anyone's feelings there except the fanatic muslims (not the good muslims). I was talking about muslim hardliners that treat women like second class citizens and punish them brutally if they don't wear the hijab and that's about all. I was not generalising ALL muslims. My friend Jackal has written a post as a reply to that. I respect what he has to say about it, cos that's what he believes. However I choose to disagree with him on some points but that doesn't make us enemies. I hear from his blog that my friend Sebia was deeply hurt by my post and has written a post about this (which I haven't fully checked yet 'cos I didn't even know about it till I heard it from elsewhere and Sebzz didnt leave a comment here either). My point is that no one deserves to be punished for not following some dress code. If someone says that Westerners are bikini-clad/naked people with no shame, well they don't get punished for that, do they? Cos people should be given the freedom to wear what they want, and that was my point and nothing else Sebz! Sebz, you should have written me a comment here, instead you went and wrote a huge judgmental post about me, and disabled comments too. Why?? Did you ever read my 'A Faithless Journey' post? Yes I could have asked you (I was not in touch with you for so long and I was under the impression that you don't visit my blog for quite sometime now..anyways) before I wrote the post but nothing would have changed in the post Sebz...cos what I said still stands as the truth for me. I spoke to my Muslim friends here and they read it too...they were not offended by it cos my aim of the post was more about the dress code and the punishings , not the Muslims alone. How can you get so hurt when I'm not even talking about the good muslims? You got to read my posts clearly and get the point before crashing down to conclusions Sebz. And na I don't get some adrenaline rush from making fun of anyone's religion here on the net - thanks for assuming that about me. If there's anyone who respects all faiths, then I'll top the list but na I won't tolerate people committing crimes in the name of religions - SORRY! And no I cant understand why you're hurt by this - cos if someone came and told me that the Hindu/Catholic extremists are blood-thirsty criminals, I'd agree with them instead of feeling sorry for my faith and my people or even defending them - cos crime shouldn't be tolerated irrespective of faith. If all of the good muslims out there like you, stopped praising these hardliners and for once stood up for human rights, then we might not have so many women suffering in silence.

Anyways, what I intend to convey to everyone, yes everyone out there, is that I will write what I feel in my blog and as it can get very personal, if anyone is hurt by my thoughts here, I really can't help that...cos this is me, and this is how I feel. If you have to say something, say it here, right on my face. If you don't like me or my thoughts, you're most welcome not to read my blog - you got a choice here. Where I live people value freedom of speech and we argue openly, healthily and in a civil manner. I'm not here to please anyone and I will speak what I feel and I shall speak the truth. And you are entitled to think anything about me. Thanks everyone!

Grave Decisions...

If when you visit me tomorrow, you wont hear a sigh, you wont see a 'hello' and you see only a fading memory of someone who once used to be...would you think I'm too bored or too pissed...or could it be that I'm really sick or could it be that I had died yesterday? Well one thing's for sure, I won't leave the blog world without saying goodbye to all of you very beautiful people...you have stuck by me at all times and I will never forget that, never ever! I have met some very special people here (truly inspirational) and I'd hate to leave you all without a hug goodbye...but if death comes knocking on my door without my knowledge, I'd have no way of saying how much all of you meant to me. And it's quite sad to leave without saying what I wanted to say to you. So I take this opportunity, this day and this minute to convey my gratitude and love to you all. And to say how much I appreciate all of your thoughts , time and mostly your presence in my life. And how colorful my life is because of all your pretty handprints and warm heartprints you have left here so many times.

THANK YOU FOR ALL THE WONDERFUL HEARTS THAT YOU ARE AND I'M SO SORRY IF I EVER HURT ANYONE WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE. AND OH I LOVE YOU TOO!

Say your Thank-yous when they are due, say your Sorrys when you're wrong, say the Compliments when people deserve them, say the I LOVE Us before it's too late. Death has left a huge void in my life many a times. I didn't get to say what I wanted to say...and now I'm sitting here wondering how it would be if I told him/her how I felt. It's too late to speak when that someone is not around to hear you...so ask them, speak to them, hear them, listen to them and convey to them right now, for graves are made of stone not of ears. So I hope you heard me saying my dues. LOVE U ALL, yeah even after I've left. I hope you'll remember me too...

Now to some exciting death-related news people!
I read in the papers yesterday that the latest graves use LCD screens. So the grave has a LCD screen and when someone passes it, it gets ativated by an infra-red sensor, and plays old videos of the dead person. Cool ha! Do you think this is a great idea or it's just plain irritating for the other deep-sleeping dudes around? I think it's great as long as I don't have a bitchy jealous grave-neighbour who couldn't afford one, lol! But then again, why would any stranger want to stop and see my life-video? Would you consider one for yourself or a family member, if so what will you include in the video? I think I'd have Nirvana and Guns N Roses playing over and over again while photo-stills of me taken with my loved ones are displayed, along with each of your names being displayed at the bottom, one by one...cos that's what I loved when I lived - music and people.

Whispers of a Veil

This is for everyone's knowledge and I believe the many visitors here would be able to enlighten me if I'm wrong. If I hurt anyone's feelings from this, please say so...cos that's not my aim. I only want people to realise how downright ignorant they can get.

I do have many Muslim friends. Most of them are from Turkey, India, Sri Lanka and Malaysia. Unfortunately I don't have any Muslim friends from the middle-east. Muslim women from such countries wear the Hijab (the veil on their head) and I know that some women cover themselves from top to bottom with only their eyes visible (Burqa). Some women's eyes are also covered with a mere net just so that they can get around without falling. I researched about this and found out that some women are forced to wear this and if they go against this 'religious' law (sharia etc) they will be severely punished or even stoned to death. Maybe it's ok if their faith requires the women to cover themselves up but why punish them if they don't like to wear it? And what about men? Why shouldn't they be covered too? Are women some kind of second-class citizens of the world that they have to obey all this and not men? Besides, I seriously don't get why they have to cover themselves up when infact I see so many Lebanese muslim women here smoking in the lunch break with the hijab on their heads. What kind of hypocrisy is that? And worst of all, many Islamic gangs in Australia are making fun of Aussie women showing their bodies off, and at one stage one Islamic leader stated that Aussie women are asking to get raped!! And ofcourse he had to apologise on TV. If these people want to practise their faith so much, then they shouldn't be in this country anyways or if they want to live here, they shouldn't conclude to such horrible thoughts about Aussie women.

The veil or not, isn't it what the character of a woman that matters? I find this whole thing very sexist and it's humiliating enough to any woman in this modern era to be told to cover up completely. Women are not a bunch of sex objects and by being told to cover up if not get raped/killed, that's exactly what these men are saying - women are just second-class sex objects! Do we have anything called human rights anymore?

The Living Dead

We say that the hour of death is uncertain, but when we say this we think of that hour as situated in an obscure and distant future. It does not occur to us that it can have any connection with the day already begun or that death could arrive this same afternoon, this afternoon which is so certain and which has every hour filled in advance".

-Marcel Proust, In Search Of Lost Time

How true is that. Uncertainity is the only certain thing about life. Yet we love money. Perhaps it's ok to love money but it's not ok to be obsessed over it. Cos if you start loving money too much that obsession will start loathing your life. It'll make you forget who you are and your purpose on Earth. It'll eat you up even without your knowledge and it could be too late to get back your life again. I'll give you an example.

I know this elderly lady. She's very very very rich but she doesn't spend a cent, no not even on herself. She is always out to grab someone else's money or survive on someone else's bread. It's so revolting to even come across her but unfortunately she's someone we know and cannot completely discard from our lives. Anyways my point is that she is money hungry and that hunger grows by the second. She prays at temples to acquire another new house (she already has about 4 houses but don't live properly in any). She wants more and more money for herself and for her children but for no one else. She doesn't give a cent to someone in need, she doesnt even buy a coffee for herself and she doesnt go out unless it's free. She tells me that she prays everyday to God asking for money (I can see God sitting in a corner taring His hair out in frustration). She even goes to an atrologer to ask what her future financial status is, hahahahahaha how funny! Future? What about the life she's wasting right now while dreaming of more and more money? When will she ever start living instead of rotting in greed? Whenever she speaks it's only about money and nothing else. I bet her eyes have $ signs instead of an iris and she'd probably love to get a job at a mint. Her house is not a home, her dinner is never cooked, her family is not close-knit and most of all she's not living...she may call it as her kind of living but I find it ridiculous and a disgrace to human life. I call such people the living dead. I know I have no right to judge but this kind of life has to be worse than death and even worse than a poor man's life. What will happen to all that money when she's physically dead? Is she going to take any of that with her? In the end she hasn't lived at all, cos death has become her.

Looking at her I thank God that I have been given the gift of Living..and that I'm not one of the dead, walking this Earth in greed. Don't be too attached to something that you can't enjoy now 'cos what's the point in loving it if you can't enjoy it.

~~From greed comes grief, from greed comes fear; he who is free from greed knows neither grief nor fear.

-The Buddha.

Don't bother...

You know what I hate...when I'm misunderstood. Why can't someone just accept me without adding all the unnecessary equations into my life? I need a man, but why? I don't need this in my life. Quite frankly I have made up my mind to remain single for the rest of my life, so hands off me. 'Cos I have been on that slippery cliff called Love before and I don't think I was made for that. So yeah, I'd be an old granny one day, sitting alone inside some old granny flat, knitting the life out of me! And I don't even know how to knit but I'll figure that out when the time comes, so don't bother. Why would that bother you anyways? Why should you be worried that I'm gonna be all alone one day? If I ain't afraid of it, why are you so bothered about it? TO HELL WITH THE SOCIETY! It's claustrophobic when someone crosses my space, it drains my blood when someone asks for something I can't deliver, it's downright manipulative when someone expects me to please them just 'cos God made us with an inbuilt function called desire. Trust me, I find desire boring. I'm not game for that. If you have something different than that plain attraction, show me. If not, just buzz off. It's puke sappy to fall in love just 'cos someone is attractive, I don't believe in that anymore. And it's plain boring to find someone just so that I won't die alone one day. Cos I did the same dumb mistake a couple of times before and it sucked my blood and left me sapped. It left me emotionally handicapped...yes my love right now uses a wheel chair - I cant stand up the way I did before. My love is disabled now 'cos I found it all too artificial and my love isn't something that this calculative world accepted. So let me just die alone some day. I came alone, I lived alone, I fought alone and I'd die alone. I don't need anyone crying any tears for me, I don't need a fancy funeral, I don't need a eulogy with loved-ones' names in it - I don't belong to anyone and I don't want to start owning anyone. Just let me leave with who I was, not with who you wanted me to be.