Wednesday, September 10

Dead End

Last night I woke up breaking out in hives, on my right leg. I couldn't sleep after that. I must be emotionally stressed out or allergic to life? I don't know. Lately I have been a total insomniac and a big cry baby. Sometimes I can't even cry, only cos I've run out of tears. Don't ask me why. Maybe it's something deep in my subconscious that's longing to be heard. Suddenly I sense this immense distrust in people, I don't know what it is (both blogville and outside). After the breakup with my ex (few years ago) I have been so detached with people. It's not that I want to be that. It's just that I've become that. It's like I don't care anymore. I don't wanna be in love either. Not again. If it happens, I'd be so bored with all the bells and whistles I'd try to silence it all instantly. It's like I can't FEEL anymore...even if I do, it only lasts a very short time. Yeah, I've become a lonely, boring, love-avoider. I've become so lonely I don't think there's anymore left to feel in loneliness. How did that happen? No I didn't even feel it happening to me...it just took place somehow. Time and experiences take their toll on us even without our knowledge. Don't you agree? I think I know too much and have being through alot that I get bored easily when it comes to alot of things. It's like everywhere I go, everything I do, every turn I take, every person I meet, it's a dead end. I get claustrophobic by the predictability of it all. So now I try to avoid it all. It's a fine line between pleasure and pain, and it's so easy for me to cross over in a jiffy. It's like I'm sitting at the back row of life and watching it all pass in front of me, cos I just don't wanna take part anymore. Sometimes I wish I was just a country lass...someone who just don't know much and doesn't get bored every minute or so. Sometimes I wish I just didn't exist. Sometimes I wanna leave all this and disappear into nothingness. And please don't tell me how I should feel, cos only I'd know how I feel.


Current Music: Pleasure & Pain by Divinyls

186 Cranium Signets:

Kulpreet said...

Just get up, open your window and look at the sky.

We are meant to be small; so let us keep our ambitions and expectations as we expect from others, a little out of sight. It is easy if you try. There is no dead end anywhere. It is only in our mind girl...

Keshi said...

Im not 'expecting' anything from anyone Kulz!

Keshi.

the stygian sailor said...

is it your PMS time?

Keshi said...

Stygian nah its my Viagra time!

duh I should not hv written this post at all. I regret it. really.


Keshi.

Arjun said...

Hey Keshi!
The fact is that you are not detached from the folks around you.
You can try for a bit - but man (and woman) is a social animal...

... and don't try to imagine what it would be like - being a country lass... because then life would be different and give you its own set of challenges in that role.

the stygian sailor said...

no, how did you go from being happy to suddenly depressed?

Arjun said...

you have written this post... what might have transpired if you hadn't - i dunno. But now go with the flow...

Keshi said...

tnxx Arjun!

yeah...Im social sometimes :)


**and don't try to imagine what it would be like - being a country lass... because then life would be different and give you its own set of challenges in that role.


I know that everyone has their cross to bear...


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Stygian wut makes u think I was 'so happy'?

Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Arjun!

** what might have transpired if you hadn't - i dunno.

good thinking!

Keshi.

the stygian sailor said...

atleast you didnt sound depressed this morning, you were laughin about our 'psyche' jokes

Keshi said...

Stygian 'this morning' is only a very small part of my entire 'life'.

Keshi.

the stygian sailor said...

yeah, but small moments add up to big ones. if have hives, take the meds for that. they l make you drowsy and you can sleep

Keshi said...

Stygian my hives wud just go away...but yeah I'd like to be super drowsy and sleep for a long time :)

Keshi.

anuj said...

hmm .. well. Since last few days or may be always, I just wanna go in to a quiet city and just walk through some brick paths, abruptly meet some stranger, sit by the roadside and enjoy some coffee ..

thats all ..

*thoughts after watchin the movie 'quiet city'*

there are dialogues that made me happy and there were ones that nailed me.

1. the guy says that I wish to find a way whereby we can just sit around idle, and our bills get paid.

2. And then a gal says, describing her story like there was this guy who was lyin on his stomach and she just asked him ' can I lie over you' .. and he says 'well .. ok'. and She just lay there (nothin sexual) ..

and then she kills and goes like .. 'I felt sad for all those people who would have never felt such a thing' ** BUMMER **

so .. relax keshi .. just relax.

Ok here's a point:

If I would have been in sydney, and sad .. I would have gone to manly, walked up that mountain .. and sat on the top (like I had already done) .. and watch the open sea rite in front of me ..

I mean thats one of the places I know about, may be you mite know more .. so I would go there and have some peace .. atleast some ..

cheers
;)
(so u know where to find me while m in sydney sometime. lol)

the stygian sailor said...

then i recommend some vodka and a party :)
or you can hop on the next flight to my place and i look after you. when you are fine you can do my dishes and clothes :)

Keshi said...

aww ty Anuj!

Thats a nice convo...


** 'I felt sad for all those people who would have never felt such a thing'

felt all that and Im so over all that too :)


I love Manly Beach! But its still cold to go Beaching...

d u miss Sydney?


Keshi.

Keshi said...

haha Stygian nice try!

Keshi.

Dee said...

Honey.. its the story of all our lives... I also feel like i am nothing.. like there is a huge void in my life, something that I want to fill and feel complete but I dunno what i need to do/say/feel to fill that void.. It probably makes no sense but thats how i feel all the time!!

When, i was arguing for marrying the man of my choice, shouting of the roof tops and finally got my way, instead of being happy I felt like there is no more purpose to do anything more.. I want to soo badly join something chrarity-like that helps give back, but i feel like a charity case myself.. Sighh.. Life is soo complicated sometimes...

rantravereflect/ jane said...

keshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii me backkkkk
:)
n i'm notttttttttt a dead end :)
geeeeeeeeeee...
could not connect to the internet for almost two weeks
:(
job gone! life gone!
at a dead end.. sooo i knowww how it kinda feels, extreme exasperation!!

i dunno how to deal with it, n yehhh it's a vicious circle that gets you completey claustrophobic :(:(:(

buttttt, i think like someone asked here, the helplessness is quite rleted to my pmsing also, cos in the night, when i'm crying in my pillow, it's haunting, n when i see the light of day, i'm filled with hope..

i'm not going to tell you how to feel, cos it doesn't matter a dime!
but maybe i can share ya state of nothingness for now, n share that hope for that dawn that will break more happy hives in our lives :)

optimism really works more wonders than reality!
i loveeeeeeeeeeeee ya n i've sooooooo much bactracking to do on your posts!!!!

i see i even have awardss!!!!
wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwieee!!

mayz said...

hugzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anuj said...

ofcourse I do.
I mean I would like to stay there for some longer period of time .. it is quite crowded but still like it ..

so keshi u shud be happy that atleast you have had some luch as compared to others rite .. so none's life is a bliss .. we all have our griefs .. may b different ones . and thn we think that the ones that others have (since we never experienced them) are not a big deal really .. whereas they give almost the same pain..

anits said...

hi keshi...so sad..hey gal life has to go on..look out ther are many things that can make you happy..ther wil b someone need your love..need your care..ther wil b someone who think of u n care of u.. tcare n enjoy ur life..

hugzzz

ani said...

i know what u mean dear..

sometimes small things end up making us feel so insignificant.. and that will end up making us feel so low.. that coming out of it.. would be such a big deal.. because coincindently because of that.. all things around us end up going round and we start to relate it with how insignificant we are...

but all there is just our mindset. and only we can change the way we think or feel.. and no one else..

am sure u 'll be feeling better soon.. :)
hugggzzzzz

Suma said...

awww..keshi..hugs...

"It's like I'm sitting at the back row of life and watching it all pass in front of me, cos I just don't wanna take part anymore." i totally relate to this...

hope you bounce back soon...

and i'm giving you the BFF card too...

deepsat said...

dark clouds come with a silver lining. the bloody problem is to find that damn thing!!!

take care!

enchanted illusionz said...

gal , hv lots 2 say ,m writin u a mail..hugs!

btwn i guess its gud dat u write it out , mayb it easier den 2 get it outta ur system
hugs again!

Priya said...

Keshi,

Hold on to your sweet dreams, cherished memories you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Its not dead end coz we are reborn somwhere again.

Sach! said...

I know this phase sweets! Cancerian strike together :P
I know it won't be worthy to say do this or that so just wanna tell you,
Love you loads!
Want you back to the sexy, bitchy 'nd naughty mood of yours ;)
>:D<
Take Care! Muuaaahhhh

SaffronSaris said...

Lol, guess what, I finally managed to get the internet connection back, though I don't know how long this connection is gonna last.
Saw the comment you left me like 1 week ago, you're soooo sweet!!!!!
I've taken the liberty to post the award at my place. Let me know if you're okay/not okay with it.

"The poppy doll-pearl just made my day"
:D

HOBO said...

Life phase - All I can say.
Love enters in ones life without knocking the door no matter how many closed doors/boundaries are around.
Enjoy !
:)

Gauri said...

I guess all of us go through this phase in life Keshi. It's a fact of life - where there is an up there is a down.

Tune into yourself and hear your heart speak. Things become rather clear then.

Hang in there - this too shall pass.

Hugs

G

Keshi - there's this email someone had forwarded to me when I too was in one such "downer" state in life. Made a huge impact on me, that email. If you could email me your email address at gauri0909@gmail.com, I'll forward that to you.

Take care.

~Hemanth~ said...

I came, I read and I agree. Do not know, enough latin to do the vini, vidi, vici...

Anyways, life sometimes... just seems like a big fuckfest (with you being at the recieving end). They do say that time heals some wounds and you eventually get over it. But, I think it is more or less like, over a period of time (after seeing so much of lifes drama) you don't really care. It's like a boring commercial on repeat.

utopia said...

just one of those days when u r down in the dumps and love has left most of us scarred but does that mean we don't take that chance anymore.
take care! it'll be fine.

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

Hey dear,hope the allergy's better now!

As for that feeling of not being able to feel anymore,I think you should just take a break and go to some place where you can be all by yourself and try straightening out things.

Sometimes in the mundane routine of life,we just forget to have those talks with oneself which are so important.

As for being able to love again,you will sweetie.Only a new love can truly heal an old one.And I hope it comes your way soon,you so deserve to be loved,and so does someone out there who deserves all the love you have to give :)

Take care Babes.This too shall pass.HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Prakhar said...

I scream my throat out...dun kno but it feels better..

We all love you a lot...so dont wish these kind of things!

Keep faith :)

Luv ya!

Prakhar said...

its just a lean patch...things will be better..

coz in the end everthing goes fine..happys endings...and if doesnt..."Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost"

ash89 said...

I understand. We all go through it at some point of our lives. You'll be okay!

Think Tank said...

i don't know that i can ask you to feel anything else..feeling just the same ...and then it's like ..get on with it ..nobody gives a shit

ANWESA said...

u can try power yoga n herbal massage 4 insomnia.be happy,man!

SMM said...

Hey Gurl...seems to me like your stressed out. Take a day off. Go watch a movie, have a coffee, read a book, spend a loooong day getting pampered at the parlour, go shopping and you'l feeel like a million bucks.

And maybe I'm wrong, but it seems to me like your not seeing anyone since your still upset about your ex. Forget the crappy a***** and ask out that cute guy you'd mentioend in one of your previous posts. All men are not losers like your ex. Don't make the mistake of keeping all men out based on him.

DreamCatcher said...

Every one feels the same at some point in life.. :)
don't u get bored being in the same feeling state for so long..;)

Prats said...

aaaww...sounds like one of those 'go away, i'm not at home' days...
Its ok...and whatever you are, is what you are. But lady!!! country lass...adn no net, means no blogging, means we don't get to read all those lovely posts from you...
cmon cheer up...

Huggggzzzzz

vishesh said...

well keshi i too feel that it would be better if i don't exist..why should people say something bad about a thing,which they can't do? Why should people look at me,as a weird out of earth creature?Why is it that very few people stick around with me? Why is it that,i have to feel left out,when the whole world is up to something? Why is it that i alone am worthless,when everyone is worth something?Why is it that,when i can respect them,that they won't respect me?Why should i care?

Of late i have started becoming damn rude to ppl...i stopped giving a damn,just go on with whatever i feel like doing,but it haunts u again and again...

Asha said...

Hugs to you my darling girl. I am stressed and a bit sad too these days, lot of personal stuff happening here as well. But you know, I just get up and live for this day and try to smile. Got to do it for the kids no matter how adults around me behave badly.
It will pass Kesh. Take care and call your mom and talk to her or cry big time, helps sometime.Love ya!:)

phoenix said...

hey you are NOT boring at all...otherwise why would people make a beeline for reading your posts.....


i understand this state of feeling...coz im feeling that too... but you know what i thing it is some insecurity or some unfulfilled desire that is eating your mind and body...at least it is to me....

take a deep breath and dont fight the moment...it will surely pass.... if not

your friends in bloggerville are right here to support you if you feel the need to just cry and let it out off your chest


god speed :)

*HUGS*

Pinku said...

hey!!!

that doesnt sound like you at all. Not right after I said you have a naughty heart and mind atleast.

Cheer up sweety...such lows are inevitable we just need to sit there a while, then get up pat our bums and move on...so u do that now and come back with a wicked post :)

Pssstttt: know what I think love is making a comeback whether u like it or not...this is just the priming for that....

Crystal.. said...

Its life,Keshi.
And its never fair.

There is a part of you which has the broken relations still in mind,or maybe some person you miss.Thats your personal stuff though.
If its about love ten--
"You never stop loving a person..you just learn to live without them"

And thats life,my angel! :)

Crystal.. said...

And all the answers are in the sky..I second Kulpreet,gaze into the sky,and you'll get the answers!

Ashish Surana said...

My next post might be helpful for you... !! I would be happy to see your comment if you feel good after that !!

Aneesh said...

Aw :)

Nothings too late, you can start afresh anything.

I hope the little fights with me is making you feel better if not worse :)

Ne said...

(((((HUGZZZZZZZZ)))) I cannot really say anything right now! I mean I am a mess myself, and if you have an extra seat wherever it is that you are going I would like to join..

We don't have to say anything or be social we can just sit and relax our brains, thoughts and eyes... I can cry and that is all I DO!!

Luv Ya Sis!!!
always here for you!

Prashant Sree said...

Hi Keshi,

Hmmm..So the villain has striked !! I understand the phase of life which you are experiencing, where everything around us looks out of normal. You feel like you dont like anyone, you dont like anything and you hate every moment.,.

I just know one thing to be done now. Just let the time pass.,. "Time is the best healing factor for anything".,.

And ya, to make you laugh a little, here is the second part of the Adventures of Rim,Jim and Sim,. :) Keep Enlivening ;)

P.S: Blog updated !!

restless_soul said...

I couldn't resist from commenting in this blog. What you are going through is anxiety and the only
thing that causes anxiety is monotony in life, the routines. Take some break, do not stress yourself.I think you should take a vacation, give time for yourself. I had been guessing that you are fighting a vacuum inside you from your earlier posts(one where you said few fellow bloggers are using you..things like that). Not to have friends is different from feeling lonely because when we start feel lonely we feel neglected, devoid of love and care may be deep inside us we feel insecure. But what I say
is not anything proven, just what I feel. I haven't said what u should feel because when we start
feeling its out of our control. Thinking is like flying a kite, till the string is in your hand you can control it but once you loose the string you loose all control. Believe me that is only stress and anxiety. These things are temporary unless you neglect them. Submit yourself to a vacation. Sinking into nothingness can do a real good things unless u sink with a belief that even after hitting the bottom line you can rise. You sometime need to empty yourself to pour better things. I hope u understand what I am saying because you know what I am fighting with.

Tarun said...

It is a very unKeshi type of post.

Do all women need assurance and reassurances from time to time?

Come BJ, this aint no midlife mid week crises...

I sniff bitter memories of near past.

Coco said...

I don't know what to tell you...
"Life" is NOT easy...sometimes it's PAINFUL- but we only live once. (unless you believe in reincarnation)
There have been MANY moments that I've wished for a "magic" wand-
to take the pain away, and to help make things better for those that I love and care for. However, there is no magic wand- therefore, I STRESS!!
I try to focus on the day- one thing at a time...and only those things that I can change or make better-
Yes, I also CRY, and PRAY (alot!).
Hugs, my dear Keshi...
If there is anything that I can do-
even me being in America- let me know...yes, I will send positive thoughts (prayers)
BLESSINGS!

La vida Loca said...

oh honey! been there done that.
I dont want say platitudes..so I will give you a tight hug in the hope it will help

tight hug

Cinderella. said...

Girl I dunno what to say. Just hang in there....the dawn shall come !!

hugs.

Ria said...

Ok i knw i m not supposed to say hw u shud feel. But i do hav the right to disagree with wht u hav said here. Ofcourse u feel....u feel bad when ppl back bite, u feel happy when ur blogger friends r happy. U feel genuinely and there r innumerable instances tht i can tell of. So i suppose this is one of the cancerian phases tht perhaps every cancerian goes thru. Who else better than me can say this, i go thru such phases too...when i start questioning my existence and things like tht. But it passes by jus like it had come. There's nothing wrong in thinkin abt such things every once in a while. Yeah one thing tht u shud think of is the reason behind ur sleepless nights. And i knw no one but only u can help urself. Coz u need to think whts bothering u within. Hugs and take care girl. U may hav bcome numb, but ppl like me care! Lots of love,

-Ria

joiedevivre said...

dnt wry m not gonna giv u any expert comment on hw to feel better
...

i felt d same few days back.

tc

Hemanth Potluri said...

wat can i say to u kesh..i am not that older in mind to suggest u something...but few days bac i had the same feeling and remember wat u commented to me...that there r some people who will love u and be wat ur...u r taking abt being lonely..i dont have soo many frnds in real world ad i dont have a gf also lol..;)...just kiddin..

but of all i will tell one thing to u...i am there for u always...u think i just came to say this..i have a high fever and severe cold...but i dint want to miss to come to ur blog..and u r saying everyone is leaving...if one more time if u think no there for u then think i am dead...thats my frndship...

lots of love and a big hug from tall guy to a tall gal...;)..hugs...

urs..hemu..

Deepti said...

Hey babes .. I almost felt like I am writing this here .. the feeling of letting life pass by has been my stle since past few years .. and its the pain that someone might hurt me again that has lead to my mistrust

Cheer up, I am sure this will pass too .. :)Dont ever regret this post, life is not about being cheerful forever .. It helps to le it out the hurt always!! Hugzzz

d gypsy! said...

now that is not Keshi for me...

but hey grl, take care!

HUGS :)

KP said...

Well keshi everyone gets bored in life, only thing u can do is keep ur self busy:). u have to find things that will keep u entertained!

If its not possible! dont worry....in a month of time...we`ll have india vs oz series starting....u know what that means! u`ll be thoroughly entertained by me...(if u can recall..from last series, it was full of drama and action....lol)

have good one mate!

Adi Crazy said...

Been there, seen it. Just have no idea if it heals ever.

lol

A very honest post. You dont see these often around here :)

Cheers up sweetheart! It will pass away, sooner than later.

*Hugs*

stony said...

Hope the hives have subsided.

I can sense something is not quite right.

I leave correct advice for experts to give in sensitive matters like this but if I were you, I would take a short break from PC and Laptop to have a date with myself.

Whatever little I have known you, I can say for sure - You shall make right/ brave decisions and soon come out of the pensive state.

And accept this small help from me... My Best Wishes and prayers.

Arv said...

well, look on the bright side.. you still have a companion soul for this :)

p.s. like to take a quiet walk with me or just sit by that lake???

Anu said...

No way i can tell you how to feel. Sometimes i just need to cry my head off because i feel all alone or that my life isnt really what I expected growing on. The things is after this session, its good to go back and re-evaluate what is bugging you and cut it out. Because that reason is going to come back and haunt you all over again.

Nirmal said...

hey wat can say...

tc..

gunj said...

babes u are d only blogger i knw who has such a great bonding with so many ppl around here!!
how cud u b d one posting something like this?? :(

WP 2007 - 08 said...

Hi Keshi

After past ten days and four funerals, I have had death up to my brains. (I was going to say my eyeballs, but I thought I would go a bit higher.) Without my sense of humor, I would likely be blowing my brains all over my computer. Humor helps me survive the most terrible events in life. Mind you, I don’t make light of the troubles around me. Everyone has coping tool which allows them to keep going. I have my sense of humor.

So laugh at the world and kiss your troubles good bye. If only it was that simple.

Bev

Solitaire said...

Yeah I guess this is called "life fatigue". Don't know if this term even exists. Just pulled it out of my dictionary.

Cess said...

++sigh++
I m alone, stuck in a country I don t belong too, away from my family and friends, away from everything. Sometimes, it seems that I m in a bubble everything around me is normal but i don t belong to this 'normal', I can t sleep for the past week, it s like my brain can t be turn off...and I don t know why...I could not write it better than u did... I do feel less lonely now ;) ...merci...

mutleythedog said...

You need a massage - I have baby oil and warm towels and I shall be there in about half an hour... light some joss sticks..

comfortably numb said...

talk of being comfortably numb:)
but u knw what however much we may say that v r comfortably numb, tht things don't affect us, d fact is tht they do affect, numb v may be but comfortable, v definitely aren't.
country lass bit...u may think tht ignorance is bliss but it seldom is, not knwing much has it's own set of problems.
all I can say, hang on girl!!!this too shall pass and a new dawn awaits:)

Miladysa said...

(((Hugs)))

fingers said...

I always get sad after eating red jelly beans...

Vidya said...

hmm..I recognize that feeling. May be you just want to take a break from everything that you are forcing yourself to do and just be.

I don't know your situation but these are my two cents based on experience!

Vidya

Keshi said...

hey Dee tnxx hun!



**like there is a huge void in my life, something that I want to fill and feel complete but I dunno what i need to do/say/feel to fill that void.. It probably makes no sense but thats how i feel all the time!!


ur spot on there! Its there all the time :(




**When, i was arguing for marrying the man of my choice, shouting of the roof tops and finally got my way, instead of being happy I felt like there is no more purpose to do anything more..


see...thats exactly wut I mean. Its like wuts NEXT. And u know that even if u achieve ur next goal, there's always gonna be another boring NEXT!





**I want to soo badly join something chrarity-like that helps give back, but i feel like a charity case myself..


haha ur cute! u can be my charity0case anytime :)

HUGS n ty for u'standing my feeling so well!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Jane WB hun MWAHHHHHHHHHHHH! I so missed ya! I guess I went into Depression cos of ur long absence :) Now Im happy yeyyyyy!


Wut happened to ya? ur job gone? why?


**but maybe i can share ya state of nothingness for now, n share that hope for that dawn that will break more happy hives in our lives

ty! thats all I wanted..to feel u'stood. Luv ya hun!



Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww Mayz HUGGGGGGGGZ! That felt good :)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Anuj!

**atleast you have had some luch as compared to others rite .. so none's life is a bliss .. we all have our griefs


Im not saying that Im not lucky. thats not what I meant Anuj. I know we all hv our share of problems. Mine r so much better than alot of others'. I u'stand that. Im not complaining that I dun hv this n that. Im far from that Anuj. I always see the brighter side in life, even as Im dying.

I dunno how to explain this feeling to u...mebbe my post didnt convey it properly...I just feel this huge void...emptyness in this life. Like there's no real meaning in all of this. u know wut I mean?


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey ty Anits!


**ther wil b someone need your love..need your care..ther wil b someone who think of u n care of u

mebbe...but I dun see any meaning in this existence...do u?


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Ani HUGGGGGGGGGZ!


**but all there is just our mindset

but is it really just the mindset? if so, is wut we feel fake?


Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww Suma ur a swt-hrt, ty n MWAH! :)


yes...I feel like Im a lone spectator of Life. Everyone else is taking part, laughing, having fun...it's like they dun see what I see.



Keshi.

Silvara said...

Ahhh babe - I know this feeling - where we go through the motions of the day and feel like it's all meaningless?? That inside us, we are empty and unfeeling??

It happens...all I can say that it'll pass, but in the meantime know that you are loved by many many people all around the world.

Smile babe :)

*hugs*

Keshi said...

hehehe Deepz thats right...where the fuck is that silver lining now! :)


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Enchanted HUGS!

Will read n reply soon ok.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Priya tnxx hun!


**you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I always make my own light...cos I never saw it..


I dun wanna be born again...no ways! I've had enough in this life :)


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Sach tnxx hun!


**Want you back to the sexy, bitchy 'nd naughty mood of yours

hehe..its still there somewhere..it'll resurface soon ;-)


*HUGZ*


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Saffy WB girl!

hey its supposed to be displayed in ur blog. so go for it! :)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Hobo!

**Love enters in ones life without knocking the door no matter how many closed doors/boundaries are around.


I dunno abt Love anymore...I dun think it works in my life. Sorry to sound so negative but thats the truth abt my love life...


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Gauri ur so sweet. ty n HUGGGGGGGZ!

u made my heart fill up with warmth...just by ur words...TY!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Hemanth WC n ty!

lol ur funny.



**just seems like a big fuckfest (with you being at the recieving end).


o tell me abt it! Life has screwed me inside out.



**They do say that time heals some wounds and you eventually get over it.


yeah and then u hv fresh wounds to take care of!




**But, I think it is more or less like, over a period of time (after seeing so much of lifes drama) you don't really care.


yes...its like I've become some robot...a byproduct of so-called life's fucked-up system.




**It's like a boring commercial on repeat.

haha so true! It just makes me wanna puke....rather mute it!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey ty Utopia!

**love has left most of us scarred but does that mean we don't take that chance anymore.


its not only love, this entire mock trial called Life is making me wanna puke :)



Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey ty Sameera!

*hives

I've been a live hospital in the last few weeks, hvnt I? LOL! from a fall to fever to bronchitis to hives! :)


I dunno if I need a break..cos I know I take enough breaks to talk with myself etc...


**love

Sameera I just cant be bothered abt it anymore lol!


*HUGZ* ty so much sweetie!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey ty Prakhar nice pic! ;-)


**I scream my throat out...dun kno but it feels better..


Mebbe I should do that...let me find a nice quiet mountain top...


Keshi.

Keshi said...

**happys endings

Prakhar we all love happy endings but its always not the case in everyone's life..sadly.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Ash Im not sure if I'll be ok...cos being OK cud mean different things to different ppl :)

*HUGZ* n tnxx!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Think_Tank!


**feeling just the same ...and then it's like ..get on with it ..nobody gives a shit


so true...its like u hv to go on somehow...that makes me feel sick.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww Anwesa tnxx girl!

**power yoga n herbal massage 4 insomnia


Im someone who cant do Yoga..I've tried that before. cos im too hyper lol!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey ty SMM HUGZ!

last nite, on my way back home, I bought a choc cake :) made me feel good eating it lol!



** Don't make the mistake of keeping all men out based on him.


I know sweetie. But it seems that r'ship has worn me out....somehow Im not even attempting to find love..cos I just dun wanna go thru it all again. Its not a fear..it's a convenience :)


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty DreamCatcher!

Nah, usually I knock it off within 24hrs..lets see :)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey ty Prats HUGS!


**country lass...adn no net, means no blogging, means we don't get to read all those lovely posts from you...

haha true...but Im sure many of u wud hv been much better off w.o. me? :)


Keshi.

Keshi said...

awww Vish HUGGGGGGGGGZ mate!



**Why should people look at me,as a weird out of earth creature?Why is it that very few people stick around with me? Why is it that,i have to feel left out,when the whole world is up to something?


I know exactly how u feel! I hv the same qns with no answers.


but u know, its ok...cos we know each other and atleast some of us here u'stand each other. U know wut I mean? So, ur not alone.


Im a 'spectator' of life...and cos of that I get to observe alot more than some 'performers' get a chance to.


*HUGZ*

Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Ashaaaaaaaaaaaa WB! I missed ya so very much. Did u collect ur award from me?



**I just get up and live for this day and try to smile


yes..thats wut I do these days too...the best way to deal with it all.


*HUGZ* n tnxx!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Phoenix ty sweetie!

yes mebbe Im not boring to others, but Im boring to myself sometimes :)...its hard to explain sweetz...


** but you know what i thing it is some insecurity or some unfulfilled desire that is eating your mind and body...at least it is to me

ur right...its that for sure. But I dun even know wuts making me feel so empty.



*HUGZ* n tnxx for being here for me!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww Pinku tnxx babez!


**know what I think love is making a comeback whether u like it or not...this is just the priming for that

hehe u think so? Im not into that love shit anymore. lol!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Crystal ty sweetie!

**"You never stop loving a person..you just learn to live without them"


wow thats so true! is that something u came up with urself? its so profound!

Once u love someone, they become a part of u til the day u die.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Ashish WC n ty!

sure..I'll come ard to ur blog soon. :)


Keshi.

Keshi said...

And Crystal..Sky is the limit ha :) ty sweetz!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Aneesh tnxx mate!

nah u never made me feel sad...actually u always make me smile :) tnxx for that!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

awwwwwwwww HUGGGGGGGGGZ Ne!



**I mean I am a mess myself, and if you have an extra seat wherever it is that you are going I would like to join..


hehehehe ur so sweet! lets catch a flight to the moon? now that'll be a REAL change ;-)



Im crying 24/7 lol! And its all invisible tears.


*MWAH* Im here for u always hun, like u r for me...plz know that ok!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey ty Prashant!

**You feel like you dont like anyone, you dont like anything and you hate every moment


so true...I just wanna zip up everyone including myself :):)


haha will come to ur blog soon. TY for being so sweet!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Restless ty HUGGGGGGGGGZ!


I hv been on many mini-breaks before...I've gone overseas, within Aus etc etc...but I know this feeling is here to stay. Just that on some days I feel it alot more than on other days.

Im not clinically depressed, I know that...but like u said, I know Im quite anxietic. I suffered from severe stress and anxiety during my Masters degree. I thought I was dying. Its a wierd feeling. Im much better now.


And Blogging helps me to keep smiling..cos look at all the love I get here..its amazing!


**Thinking is like flying a kite, till the string is in your hand you can control it but once you loose the string you loose all control.

beautifully put! I agree there.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hehe Tarun tnxx mate!


**It is a very unKeshi type of post.

aha..but I hv many sides to me mate...Im a melting pot :)



**Do all women need assurance and reassurances from time to time?

not only women, men too...


I dunno..let me see how I feel today..cos today is a new day. And all of u here r making me feel really loved. TNXX!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

awwwwww Coco I missed ya!


ty so much.


**There have been MANY moments that I've wished for a "magic" wand


me too...and Im like, WTH why is life so painful and boring. I feel so out of control.

:(


*HUGZ*


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty so much Lavida for u'standing how I feel. That means alot to me. HUGGGGGGGGGGGGZ!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey ty Cindy!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww ty Ria I know u REALLY care abt me. HUGGGGGGGGGZ!

And yes ur allowed to disagree with me :) cos real friends tell u the truth.


**Yeah one thing tht u shud think of is the reason behind ur sleepless nights.

lately I wake up in the middle of the night and then I cant go to sleep. So I walk to the living room and sit there...wondering how lonely I am...its wierd!


*HUGZ* ty so much for the encouraging advice Ria!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

haha Joi ty for being so honest girl. MWAHHHHHHHH I luv ya!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

awwwww Hemz I know u reallY CARE. ty n HUGGGGGGGGZ! Hope ur feeling better today?




**but few days bac i had the same feeling and remember wat u commented to me...that there r some people who will love u and be wat ur...u r taking abt being lonely..i dont have soo many frnds in real world ad i dont have a gf also


haha I didnt mean that kind of LONELINESS Hemz. I know I hv MANY friends here in Blogville as well as outside.


but hv u ever felt lonely in a huge crowd? its that kind of loneliness that Im talking abt :)


TC now!

Keshi.

CM-Chap said...

Huh very emotional post

It's like I'm sitting at the back row of life and watching it all pass in front of me - Fully knw what you are talking.. This emptyness feelg happens once in a while for me.

Sometimes I wish I just didn't exist - No dear.. This world deserves you

Keshi said...

ty so much Deepti HUGGGGGGGGGGZ!

u too? Im glad that there's few ppl here who know n u'stand wut Im trying to say. It makes me feel less lonely :)


**Dont ever regret this post, life is not about being cheerful forever

Amen! I dunno why but it seems that alot of ppl think BEING POSITIVE even when u feel negative, is a must in life. Im not like that...I just say exactly how I feel, be it good or bad. I cant help it can I. Im not a circus to be happy n cheerful 24/7, 365 days of the year!


Im glad u u'stood me so well. Thank God for ya MWAH!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Sinner now ur a Gypsy...lol so cute!


**now that is not Keshi for me...


yeah but Im this too sweetie. Im not suga candy all the time...sometimes Im sour, bitter and harsh on the psyche :)


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hahahaha KP bring it on! I'd love to FIGHT with ya and mebbe make u bat while I bowl u over! ;-)


*HUGZ*


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey ty Adi!


** Just have no idea if it heals ever.


LOL Amen to that!


it seems alot of ppl in Blogville hv a FEAR of facing reality...so they dun write exactly how they feel. Being positive all the time is so fake. If ur human, u cant be positive all the time. If u r, ur just faking it :)


ty for the encouragement Adi HUGS!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

awww ur so sweet Stony, ty n HUGGGGGGGGZ!



**I would take a short break from PC and Laptop to have a date with myself.


so u want a break from Keshi? LOL!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey ty Arv!


** like to take a quiet walk with me or just sit by that lake???

now how nice wud that be! :) I wonder if I'd talk at all...cos just being with u wud make me feel relaxed and happy hehe.


*HUGZ*


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey ty Anu for u'standing how I feel. HUGS!


**i feel all alone or that my life isnt really what I expected growing on

yes...thats how I feel too. Expectations lead to disappointments, I know that. but its like Life is such a boring illusion that we were made to believe otherwise in our childhood.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Nirmal u dun hv to say anything. ty for being here for me. HUGGGGGGGZ!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Gunj!


**babes u are d only blogger i knw who has such a great bonding with so many ppl around here!!
how cud u b d one posting something like this??


awww...but Im human too Gunj. :(


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey ty Bev!


**After past ten days and four funerals, I have had death up to my brains. (I was going to say my eyeballs, but I thought I would go a bit higher.)


hahahahaha! There u go..u made me laugh so loud :) ty!



**Without my sense of humor, I would likely be blowing my brains all over my computer.

I agree...and thats why I blog too. To keep me going and to find my humor in my own posts. Or else, I'd hv been dead long time ago lol!




**Everyone has coping tool which allows them to keep going. I have my sense of humor.

I think mine is also my sense of humor...and also my voracious Writing passion :) It takes a load off.



**So laugh at the world and kiss your troubles good bye. If only it was that simple.

hehe...I'll try tho. HUGZ n ty so much Bev, u rock!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey ty Sol!


**"life fatigue"

thats the perfect term for it!


Keshi.

Shionge said...

Oh Keshi....I feel like this at times too and so much for nurturing relationship. I have always been the one nurturing and giving, not that I expected returns but alot of them are not trying at all.

So I do 'feel' and 'hear' you but no matter what I hope this phase of thoughts & feelings will go off soon.

Hugs, hugs & more hugs always :D

Keshi said...

hey Cess ty sweetz HUGGGGGGGGZ!

yes, one can be in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, surrounded by ppl, doing a top job, looking great but feeling very lonely. It happens. And some ppl dun u'stand how. Cos they dun realise that external things arent related to happiness.



**Sometimes, it seems that I m in a bubble everything around me is normal but i don t belong to this 'normal',


I know exactly how u feel. U put that beautifully.


I guess there's no one defintion of NORMAL...its different from person to person..and u know, the grass always seem greener on the other side, even if it may not really be so.

We r all in the same boat hun. I totally u'stand how u feel.


TC n HUGS, ur not 'alone'...and merci :)


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Mutely awww...

** I have baby oil and warm towels and I shall be there in about half an hour... light some joss sticks

lol ur so cute!


ty so much, I feel relaxed already :) HUGS!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey ty so much CN!


** tht things don't affect us, d fact is tht they do affect, numb v may be but comfortable, v definitely aren't.


I know wut u mean...so we r uncomfortably numb? :) I guess so.


Ignorance is not always bliss..ur right there.


*HUGZ* CN n tnxx alot!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

HUGGGGGGGZ Milady awww...

Keshi.

Keshi said...

Fingers then dun eat em!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey ty Vidya!


**May be you just want to take a break from everything that you are forcing yourself to do and just be.

yeah u may be right...


*HUGZ*


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Silvara ty so much!


**That inside us, we are empty and unfeeling??


yes..its like this is all fake..this whole life shit.


*HUGZ* I hope it passes..but deep down it still holds true.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey ty Chap!

Im glad u know wut Im talking abt...


**This world deserves you

aww..but do I deserve this world?


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey ty Shionge MWAH!

Im like u..always there for ppl. And no, I dun expect anything from em. but I do expect something from LIFE...and it always seem to disappoint me.


Keshi.

curryegg said...

Hello Keshi!
How are you? Oh my.. it has been a month I didnt visit your blog. Hope that everything is ok with you...
*hugs*

No matter how keshi, never give up as there are still lot to be venture in our lives.. CurryEgg in Malaysia is supporting you all the time.. :D

AmitL said...

*Gives Keshi a friendly hug*..come on,Keshi,why're u on the negative side today? Look,think the other way round- think of the trust the balance people have in you,rather than of the distrust.
---
*smiles at phrase*= lonely,boring,love-avoider...No way..you can't be any of these.In fact,I'd classify myself in the first two*winks*,but,thanks to the blogosphere and the lovely friends I've got here(Especially those whose blogs I visit daily*winks*),I've managed to come out of this stage of thinking of myself as lonely and boring.
---
Read my new posts,for a few laughs,and,off you need to go to BUF to do the honours of the first post for this month.
----
TC and have a wonderful day!

deepsat said...

probably hankying-pankying with another silver line!!

cheer up!

;-))

Hiren said...

hey hey ... wats this ? now you surely got to make a trip to mumbai ... and meet me :)

cheer up mate ... there are lotza dead ends one will hit in life .... but then there are lotza new paths as well ... maybe the tears in your eyes are not letting you see the new roads ....

hope u r feeling better today !!!

Aphrodite said...

im in the same boat...didnt even realise when the tranformation happened...and nothing seems to change...just stuck in time...for ever...:(

Aphrodite said...

im in the same boat...didnt even realise when the tranformation happened...and nothing seems to change...just stuck in time...for ever...:(

Hemanth Potluri said...

s i felt that LONELINESS a lot of times...but trying to find a real buddy in the real world who loves me more then i do myself..u know people dont really dont trust each other these days...for example ..let me just say ..i am trying to ask all ur ids for adding u as authors to the new blog...but no one gave me..its trust...and i feel very much lonely wen no one is there to trust me...i feel like jumping from top floor wen i feel soo much lonely...but i still have some hope that people will trust me..a small hope to live for it...i am not pinpointing anyone but...just said wat i felt thats all...

anyways still the cold killin me ...cant even talk with my voice now :(..

urs..hemu..

Keshi said...

awwww Curry I missed comin to ur blog too...will be there soon.

luv ya hun MWAH! AND TY!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Amit tnxx n HUGGGGGGGGZ! :)


**think of the trust the balance people have in you,rather than of the distrust

I know..rem Im the ENGINE. lol!


ty so much! Will be over at ur blog soon.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hehehe Deepz true...

Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey ty Hiren!

yeah I know...mebbe there r new roads...I gotta keep hoping..

*HUGZ*

Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Aphrodite tnxx for u'standing me hun. HUGGGGGGGGZ!


**and nothing seems to change...just stuck in time...for ever

yep..thats exactly how I feel too! I wanna un-stuck myself :)


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Hemz relax!

u dun hv to jump off a building cos someone didnt TRUST u? cmon ur not that weak. U TRUST urself right? So chill. HUGS!



**but trying to find a real buddy in the real world who loves me more then i do myself

Im not even trying to find someone to love. I dun need anyone.

Just that Im tired of this mockery called LIFE.


Anyways, I guess we've just got to carry on somehow.


Abt the IDs...I got ur email..didnt hv time yday to reply. Will come over to ur blog soon ok?

Hemz I live 72hr days and I'll try to make it 96hr days just to be able to reply to the emails too ok? LOL!


Keshi.

Hemanth Potluri said...

i am relaxed keshi but u know from past 3 days i am opening my mail id to check if atlaest one has mailed me their id...it feels soo low to find no new mails...thats wat makes me feel so much alone even wen i havea 100 people around me...anyways u say ur not looking for a love...i never felt love yaar..other then my family...i really and baly need to know it..i sometimes feel so lonely even wen my family is around...dont know y but i got to change i think...some people even started hating me with this attitude but ddont know if i really have to change or be the same..

urs..hemu..

starry nights said...

Keshi...I am sad, don't feel that way, there is a lot of love out there and I am sure you are going to find so much of love,you may not know what to do with it.I know we get disheartened sometimes and distrust people, but there are some nice people out there.

enchanted illusionz said...

hw u keshi...btwn u hv somethin waitin 4 u n mA blog.

HOBO said...

:)

Mystique Wanderer said...

okie now here is my prescription...i'm almost certain it will work...

though its not an instant medicine..but its not very long drawn either...actually depends on how fast u r (not in tht sense u perv)...

okie here goes:

watch season 1 to 3 of 'how i met your mother'

thats it...and if ure not entirely blonde...u'll be cured

thats my prescription let me know if u try it

Keshi said...

Hemz u be who u r..cos thats what makes u YOU. HUGS!

And boy o boy, u cant hurry Love. :)


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Starry ur one such beautiful friend that I know I can trust. HUGGGGGGGGGZ n ty!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

OMG Enchanted that was sooooo sweeeeeeeeet! :) HUGS!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

:) Hobo..

Keshi.

Keshi said...

Mystique I've seen it all...I've laughed alot..now I cant laugh for the 2nd time. LOL!

tnxx!

Keshi.

Nora said...

A beautiful and honest [albeit painful] insight into your soul. Hold onto these feelings as they are important. I hope you find whatever it is you're seeking. x

Nora

Princess Mia said...

awwwwww, duh me i missed this one yesterday sorry for being late....

i know exactly what u mean babes cos i feel the same thing, its like we've lost that zeal in life inne.

but i do believe that nothing lasts forever so am sure this is also temporary n with time we shud get that zeal back in life....

a big warm hug to ma mate...

Parul Gupta said...

hey keshi...

first of all sorry as i m late on this one...

i completely understand how u feel coz i have once gone thru the same phase in my life as well...but trust me its just a phase n will soon pass away....

life will again smile back...

cheers
parul

Parul Gupta said...

hey keshi...

first of all sorry as i m late on this one...

i completely understand how u feel coz i have once gone thru the same phase in my life as well...but trust me its just a phase n will soon pass away....

life will again smile back...

cheers
parul

vishesh said...

HuGZ :P

Jeevan said...

Hugs dear :)

Whitesnake said...

tell ya ya feel......NEVER! tell ya how ya look.......Awlays!

Vinz aka Vinu said...

I am not commenting much on this...
i am sure you are gonna bounce back from this state..

keep smiling..!!
this is not the real keshi..!!

Get out of it..!

:)

rantravereflect/ jane said...

geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee yupperz ya missed me :)))))
hurraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
now, i'm back!
lezzz party!!
n 'cough up' more posts ;)

mwuahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh:*
n ya're understood!
we're in the sisterhood together!
:)

Keshi said...

Nora wut u said there was too beautiful and so true. I hope I find what Im looking for. I wish that for everyone out there.

*HUGZ* n ty for being in my life, tho we've never met!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey ty Mia HUGGGGGGGGGGGZ!

I know this is temporary...but so is the HAPPY side of me :)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Parul HUGS!

I know, this too shall pass...but so does the happy days.


:)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww HUGGGGGGGGGZ Vish!

U r sweet!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

HUGGGGGGGGGGGZ Jeevan my dearest friend!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

Steve?

Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww ty Vinu!

*HUGZ* Im ok :)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

Jane u really r an angel. ty luv! HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGZ!

*dances with Jane in her cossies and on the table*

lol!

Keshi.

Aneesh said...

Haha!!
Loved to hear that!
Thanks :)

Keshi said...

HUGS Aneesh!

Keshi.