Wednesday, December 20

Numb

These days I walk around like a zombie...comfortably numb head to toe, and humming Nirvana's 'Dumb'. You may ask what's wrong with me. Nothing actually. Just that I've become emotionally numb. I can't seem to feel anymore. Must be just a temporary numb/dumb phase but it sure feels great. Cos I don't seem to care and not caring about anything/anyone seems to have set me free. You know, how you suddenly realise that nothing is worth putting an effort on...like everything is just total shit that's not worth your efforts and time. Well it's that feeling and it has granted me freedom. I don't know if it's a good thing but I'm high. No I'm not on LSD, neither do I need a shrink (looks at Bev hehe), but I sure feel great man :). Tonight I'm going to drive down to the beach, just by myself. I wanna sit there and feel the breeze, stare at the waves, listen to the sound of my feet touching the sand, smell the sea, collect some sea shells...all by myself you know. I haven't done that in a long time. I used to always want someone in my car to go places...you know, some company. But I realised that the state I'm in right now makes me wanna be alone and hey who said it's bad. It's not bad at all. Numb got me flying high.

I think I'm going insane...well that's even better. Cos one will never know what life really is without a bit of insanity striking them good. btw this photo was taken 2 weekends ago. Don't ask me why I'm not smiling (or am I)...cos I was just numb. Wanna join me and have some Pennyroyal tea with me at the beach? yeah I know...Keshi's lost it but it's all good mate, dun worry! I haven't been this happy. It's good to be dumb and numb...it makes you totally happy.

Im not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light
The day is done
But Im having fun
I think Im dumb
Or maybe just happy... ... ...
(Dumb by Nirvana)


Current Music: Dumb by Nirvana

102 Cranium Signets:

Anonymous said...

hope time heals you soon and this numb&dumb phase moves out soon!!

be safe & take care

Anonymous said...

u kno what...u r so true! i am lost too, but then we will be finding new ways. New life and a new future ahead! wohooo!

By the way, i've switched to blogger beta luv. Sorry for that, never ment to have this affair, but times are pressing...:p I have to test this out coz i have the 2050 blog to look into.

Anonymous said...

Hey Keshi,

Hmm.. An entry straight from ur heart ah... :)

**These days I walk around like a zombie...comfortably numb head to toe

**Just that I've become emotionally numb. I can't seem to feel anymore. Must be just a temporary numb/dumb phase but it sure feels great.

- Tat was how i felt when things at work were all going wrong the other day(s)...

**Cos I don't seem to care and not caring about anything/anyone seems to have set me free.

- Yeah! I agree! And it sure feels GREAT!

**You know, how you suddenly realise that nothing is worth putting an effort on...like everything is just total shit that's not worth your efforts and time. Well it's that feeling and it has granted me freedom.

- Yup! I know tat feeling. Its like now, i dun really care abt my work management here. Just do my work (within my scope) & i am done with it. Sometimes, being helpful & not being appreciated hurts pretty bad. It hurts more when they come back to "bite" me by blaming everything on me.... Tats why i learnt something, "Sometimes, u gotta act stupid cos acting clever gives u more troubles".. :)

**Tonight I'm going to drive down to the beach, just by myself. I wanna sit there and feel the breeze, stare at the waves, listen to the sound of my feet touching the sand, smell the sea, collect some sea shells...

- Aww...! I love the sea! Wished i could join u. I love to pick sea shells too... I love to sit down just by the beach & enjoy the breeze, hear the waves hit the coast.. It feels WONDERFUL!

** I used to always want someone in my car to go places...you know, some company.

- Ya, sometimes a companion by ur side feels great even though they do no actually open their mouth to talk to u... It is just the company u need.. :) (Wish could be there with u ^_^)

Sometimes, when things are not going our way, we tend to find a way to release all out... Going to the beach is a good way too.. You may wanna shout it out loud towards the sea & u might actually feel better :) Who knows? U'll only know after you've tried it.. HeHe.. I didnt do it cos in Singapore, there are lots of ppl along the beach.. I dun wanna scare them away or make them call the ambulance to bring me to the mental hospital.. HeHe...

Take Care!

Thumbelina

awaiting said...

Well...here I was wondering what you look like and let me just give you this...

*applause*

Girl, you are HAWTTTT!

Ok, I'm alright now...back to the post.

It is good to be a bit insane. Come on, now...what is sane without a little insane thrown in? You gotta mix it up a bit...keeps things in balance.

There is always a point in our lives when we give all our being into what others think of us. We try, try, and try somemore all in an effort to put a smile on another's face. There comes a time when we open our eyes and we realize that no matter what we do, no matter what we say, no matter what we look like, how we dress, how we cook, clean, do our hair, there will always be someone out there that doesn't give one ounce of care for us. When we realize that being true to who we are, who we truly are, means not giving in to the pressures to 'please' we are 'free'.

We are free to be who we are, who we have always been and who we have yet to become.

Numbness is oftentimes good. It opens us up to see who we really are.

Anonymous said...

ur the first person who came to my mind while swtiching. shit now I feel bad...but i have to loose this fight for all of us. To test this thingy. sorry...

Anonymous said...

DO look out for some Hunk lurking near by ... you know u are not the only one alone.

;)

lol

starry nights said...

Keshi my dearest..we all go through different phases in our lives.many a time I have felt numb and dumb too.soon you will be back to your old self. I love the sea and wish I could join you.I have spent many hours all by myself at the beach.sometimes it was out of sheer lonliness and sometimes it was to just get away. Take care and a big Hug to you.You cannot be without caring.Its in you to care.

Anonymous said...

smile please ;)))))

smile makes the life beautiful,
expand your lips,
it expand your happiness;

""""life is a puzzle,
solve it by smiling;""""""

smile makes the
unknown an known,

language can separate us,
but never smile..

so..
smile please.

I wish there was a beach in Bangalore :((((

Anonymous said...

Have a break. Have a kitkat :O

southpaw said...

walking alone on the beach....then suddenly u hear the sound of a guitar and u turn ard and see a 6 and a half feet tall slime in a torn jeans singing loudly....

She's a force of nature
That I can't outrun
A devil and a savior all in one
Her eyes can heal me
Or they can make me bleed
Her lips have me addicted to the poetry
Never really knowing just who I am
And I confess that I don't mind at all
Cause I would trade the world away
To stay inside this dream
I'll never find a better place to fall
I got a lover, a brown skin girl
She's got a magic of another world
And every time that I think of her, I'm on fire - fire
She knows a way, a spirtual flow
Of making me dizzy like vertigo
Her cinnamon kisses melt my soul like fire, yeah

I get a strong vibration
When she just says my name
And it drives me crazy
'Cause I don't know if she feels the same

But she likes to breathe some mystery in all she does
She laughs and says that I'm under her spell
Now I won't lie
I enjoy the ride
And pray it never ends
I feel her deeper than anything I've felt
I can't help but crave another taste of her
Like a drowning man that's praying for the rain
And how she worked her way inside
I'll never understand
She's too beautiful to ever take the blame
But she'll always fan the flame

Anonymous said...

Sometimes numb is good.. its better then denial at the very least is for sure

Anonymous said...

I think ur just DUMB :P ... get well soon nutty :D

Anonymous said...

well...

sometimes I get so lost...
just wonder if things are real!
then I fight it out and find my way back 2 myself!
only wanting myself to get lost again!

TC.....

Vikas said...

hey honey now a days u sound so sad N so slow.Now its enough dear..come out of that and stop analysing the world.Just be what r ur and care the dam....

Now i hope ur next post will be something different concept and with ur smilling and happy mood pics..RIGHT??????????

lee said...

I'm too exhausted to know how I'm feeling at the moment :). Now are SURE that you haven't been on LSD? ;). This is a hard time of the year - everything will seem better in 2007 -well, that's what I tell myself, anyway :).

Die Muräne said...

Wow, what icy eyes! (icy eyes... is that propper english? lol) - very cool! Did u shoot anyone lately? ROFL

I know that feeling very well. Enjoy it every sec, cause mebbe it could leave sooner than you think...

ah yeah: of course you smile on the pic ;)

Jeevan said...

I agree sometimes being numb brigs happiness in our own world; it gives relaxation with out responding to anything.

Have a peaceful time in the beach tonight dear:)

Anonymous said...

Yea..i do feel the same sometimes..but it sure is a nice feeling to be all alone at times..try it dearie..it mite help...

Anonymous said...

i was jst thinking u know...do you eat frog legs? coz the other day I saw alot of em in the aquarium at a restaurant and i felt like its me in there...sigh...

Anonymous said...

Well it's that feeling and it has granted me freedom. I don't know if it's a good thing but I'm high. No I'm not on LSD, neither do I need a shrink (looks at Bev hehe), but I sure feel great man :). Tonight I'm going to drive down to the beach, just by myself. I wanna sit there and feel the breeze, stare at the waves, listen to the sound of my feet touching the sand, smell the sea, collect some sea shells...all by myself you know. I haven't done that in a long time. I used to always want someone in my car to go places...you know, some company. But I realised that the state I'm in right now makes me wanna be alone and hey who said it's bad. It's not bad at all. Numb got me flying high.


its the Budha's doing
He set u free

i am in this world
but yet not of this World
- Jesus said dis i think

u r truly liberated now girl
TT said dis a long time back

be as a spectator
far removed

Anonymous said...

i tink i have succeeded
wat i put u through was psychological ragging
wat i received in hostel

your ego is now totally destroyed
u have now to reinvent your self girl

u r now born again

Anonymous said...

the possibilities are immense
u can now be wat u want to be

u r now beyond hurt
u r almost like God

u can now be Good like God
or EVIL to the core

u have a choice

Anonymous said...

if u choose to love another
u will again be vulnerable


i chose to LOVE
a LOVE of my choice

not the LOVE dat was born of a desire for SEX when i married
dat marriage is null and void
we both married each other
but not for LOVE


i have now a LOVE relationship
i will not divorce
divorces are messy

but there is no LOVE in our marriage and never will be

i am happy now

Anonymous said...

You know what came into my mind the moment i read your title ??

Numb...by Linking Park.
I luv that song and its video too.
Lifts me everytime I'm down.

And hey, you like going 2 the each alone too ??!!!
Thankgod I thought I was the only one. My mom says its an unhealthy habit. Staying aloof and stuff..but even if if I'm not pissed off or anything, I really have this urge of cutting off from the whole world and going somewhere that would give me a chance to introspect and arrange my perspectives.

I love spending times at the beach along. just leaning on our car, or sitting in the bench and sipping a cuppa coffee, with the wind blowing into my hair and whispering sweet words of encouragement and courage.

But dont let it hurt you girl. Sit and ponder but donot sit and curse, yourself I mean.
Take care.
*hugsssssss*

Anonymous said...

hehehe

Anonymous said...

hey keshi, going to beach alone?? wow after looking at the picture even u are not smiling, trust me u won't be alone haha!!

I am sure those hunk at the beach will come right after u park your car.

hey take care and enjoy yourself at the beach ok. hugss

Anonymous said...

been a long time I was around...

feels good to know I'm not the only one with crisis and insanity to counter them :D

never been on a beach alone collecting shells but it sounds fun! I am 'J' now ;)

btw. do 'you sure feel great' or 'you sure feel man'? :P hehe

Anonymous said...

Don't take this phase as anything negative. We all have such phases at one point or the other. This gives us time to rediscover ourselves. I like to spend time with myself doing nothing, staring at space not even thinking, if you know what I mean.

Keshi love, nothing to worry about. Be as dumb as you can be.

HUGS.

Anonymous said...

I can actually identify with you on this one, because i am sort of going through the same thing. Today morning for some reason I was dancing while walking on the street, without caring about anyone else. For some reason I just feel I dont really care for anything anymore an yes, it does feel liberated.

Sorry, I havent been able to comment on your other posts. I just have been dealing with some huge personal mess and too much work.

Anonymous said...

Hope you feel better. I think this is just a phase and you will be fine.

Hope a Daniel Craig types emerges out of the water ala Bond from Casino Royale. ;-)

Helen said...

I won't bore you with cliches, but suffice to say everyone has felt the way you do at some point in their lives. (Ok, well, everyone who has taken the risk of being open to love and pain). The boring people (and/or people who have been exposed to a LOT of unfathomable pain) choose to ignore it, creative people choose to interpret it, and survivors let it teach them. But time will only tell the best way to channel this energy, too. (I think we only focus on anger or happiness as intense energies, but numb is unfocused energy, too) I listened to the story of Immaculee Ilibagiza, a Rwandan genocide survivor, and I marveled at her strength and character. When your energy is unfocused like this, it is ok to seek inspiration from heroes. Just after I turned twenty, I had a horrific event happen in my life, and I literally spent a year in that same numb state. You're right, it feels great, and in some ways it is your mind's way of coping and healing. After that year or so, though, it was like a switch flipped and I woke up. In retrospect, I think it was just setting goals and seeing them through, that helped me snap out of it (of course it could have been that peote in the Arizona desert...ha ha, just kidding). Give yourself a while yet...

Anonymous said...

**how you suddenly realise that nothing is worth putting an effort **
been there.. will be there again... :)

I am so glad that you are taking time 'just for yourself'. Do that more my friend.

BTW - even if the photo was silhoutted instead of bleached... well.. ok.. may be not.. I am just trying to say: that is trademark Kesh :) - stary and scary ;)

Happy holidays... have fun mayt!

~Sojourner

fergal said...

hey keshi - yeah the beach & ocean always seem to put stuff in perspective. i'm sure a lot of people would love to accompany u there ...

actually the place u r at now with the numbness reminds me a lot of a detached, buddhist point of view - which is goood!

and good to c that u still have those alluring eyes! ;-D

have a good one

~

Anonymous said...

Driving to the beach and feeling the breeze is a great idea! Sure to calm your mind which seems to be over working these days!:)

Create that heart in the pic in your last post with shells on the sand.Take a photo and put it here.

Take care, we all love you!:)

Anonymous said...

Hey Keshi!!
Are you drunk??? :) Jus kiddin :)
I feel the same sometimes... I older I become more solitude I prefer... gotta do with age I guess not my mistake... If analyzed in Calvin's style.

Jay said...

There is nothing wrong with being a little insane. Some of us more than just a little!

It keeps people guessing. It makes us mysterious. Ok, it makes you mysterious. I'm boring. But, a little insane too.

Sometimes we have to withdraw completely. It stops all the pain and pushes everyone away. But, when we've healed ourselves we can go back to being "normal".

OBTW ... You're beautiful.

Anonymous said...

I dont like the sound of this, Keshi snap out of this, ok? Infact I command you to. pls girl.

My prayers are with you.
Pls take care of yourself, you'll be ok.

Time will heal.

Anonymous said...

There is nothing wrong with being a little insane. Some of us more than just a little!

It keeps people guessing. It makes us mysterious. Ok, it makes you mysterious. I'm boring. But, a little insane too.

Sometimes we have to withdraw completely. It stops all the pain and pushes everyone away. But, when we've healed ourselves we can go back to being "normal".

OBTW ... You're beautiful.

Shionge said...

I turned 'cold & numb' too when I came to realise that pple don't appreciate my effort so I certainly know why you feel as such.

Still, hope you'll thaw in no time at all and party on Keshi :D

Merry Christmas & A Blessed New Year PAL :D

Homo Escapeons said...

You need to get reacquainted with your inner Kesh. We spend most of our lives in our head anyway..you might as well decorate it and hang a few of your favorite pictures, and place your treasured whatnots where you can enjoy them.
It is the 'hollow days' and there is a good reason that it is the suicide season. Everybody pretends that the other 364 1/4 days of the year were all tickety-boo and join in a cultural Denial Fest of gargantuan proportions!
We are supposed to live in the thinking of others and sharing and all of that crap everyday of the year and when people try to do it all in one day/week they feel guilty.
The other side is that sickening I Love You so much BS that I am going to buy you something that I will not be able to pay off until November 09!!! WTH!
I have finally come to grips with the fact that I touch base with some peeps that I haven't talked to in a while and spend TIME and not MONEY with my little family and the few friends that I can't seem to shake.
You will be fine. Set some goals, try something new, make a vow to be the best Keshi that you can in '07...because that's really all that you can do.
...and maybe change the colour scheme in your headroom...repaint it in a cheery bright tone...mine is sort of a peachy orange this week and my highlight colours are bright greens and blues...fairly tropical...and it helps to balance out the monochromatic world outside of my window which is WHITE, grey and WHITE.

Anonymous said...

aw... thats sweet.. dumb numb... same thing.. lol.. its good to have some alone time!! I agree.. its self-revealing.. and I enjoy too!!

the-ego-has-landed

(have to sign in and do many stunts into that blogger beta.. anon. is easier heheh)

Eclipsed Thoughts said...

hmmm... take care KAP... there is much more in life to come... so much that you left behind... there were words that made you smile... tears when it was unkind....

But there always is a ray between the clouds... to heat up dew from every vine and every leaf...

About the dumb/numb phase... enjoy till it lasts!!!

Anonymous said...

Keshi darling you have written the state of mind iam in...But iam not becoming numb...i feel like dying

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I'm kind of like that right now too. Just want some time alone. Don't feel like being around anyone else. We all need that sometimes. Thankfully, you have a beach nearby so you can gather your thoughts there. Enjoy it.

Ganesh Ranganathan said...

you may be numb but you are certainly aren't dumb....

great pic, by the way...theres something about your eyes that I just cant describe....

Kavi said...

Straight from the heart !

You may be feeling numb. Remember there are many who are rooting for you !

The storm seems to have uprooted some well established foundations. But this is your best chance to rebuild it all the way back ! And am sure you would !

Many a time, i have gone to the sea to see. I have watched how the waves compete with each other to rush to shore and dissipate into emptiness.

Many a time, i have realised that is a great lesson and a humbling experience.

Look at the sea Kesh !! It holds some answers. Take care. I am with you.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I wish I had some meaningful 'feelgood' stuff to say.
I just discovered your blog, and can identify with more of this than I'd like to admit...

Will you simply take a virtual hug from a stranger?

Shitrint said...

hey hang in there girl!
well actually i hav felt this way and i swear by it...it does feel good!
being lonely isnt bad...and being numb just sets u free...
take care!

Anonymous said...

hmm take me along with you . I like the girl who want to sit silently on the beach . staring at the nomadic waves. May be i will bend on my knees

Anonymous said...

Hi Keshi

LOL Took your time, but now you have life figured out.

Being insane is not a bad way to live in this world. When you are out of touch with reality, what do have to worry about.

I've been insane for a few years, and I feel great.

LOL

Bev

Anonymous said...

Excerpt from:
THE VELVETEEN RABBIT
or, HOW TOYS BECOME REAL
written by Margery Williams

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

posted by Allison | 12/01/2006 | 0 comments

Thursday, November 30, 2006
When Things Go Right

Anonymous said...

I wonder if that's a good thing or a bad thing.Or maybe you are experiencing a shift of emotion.
Hope it's for your good whatever it is.
And I am an out and out Nirvana fan!!!!!!!!!

Top cat said...

I know that feeling, sometimes it's good and other times it forshadows a spiral downward.

I think you're not smiling in the pic because you miss me.lol

Thanks for the tea and the sand between my toes.
Tc

Meg said...

Sweetie, you know what? You are probably more in tune with yourself now than you have ever been. Pain brings about a lot of self analysis and soul-searching. Just take the time to take care of yourself and breathe....for God's sake breathe. When the world feels like its crumbling down around you - this is when you need to take care of yourself the most.

Hugs and Kisses sent your way....

Meg

Aidan said...

I think it is this time of year, life is crazy, everyone is miserable and in debt... When it all gets a bit much the body hits the kill switch just to give you a chance to deal with it... it will pass.

Take care out there

Aidan

Arz000n said...

Awwwwwwwwwwww.....

Just let go of it K0000kie masta... I know how the feeling of Z0mbieness is...have beene throught it lot many times...and am going thru it myself too...

The only reason I write weird blogs is to kill that feeleing...and yes I dont have any beaches nearby too....hehehe

Jokes apart...its gonna take sometime, coz I know what kinda caring person you are ....

But, still I know you are not going to change...no matter how many times you go on beach to feel the cool breeze...you are a person with a Golden Heart (hehehe...remember I coined this long time back)

:))

Hugzzz and I hope you be back to normal real soon....and take care gal

PS: You are loooking lovely in that snap...*mwaaahh*

Stud said...

Happy Holidays and a very merry Christmas, Babesterness :)

stud

Anonymous said...

Keshi you look beautiful :) such a pretty pie mashallah :) I love the kohl in ur eyes suits u...Pretty pretty eyes..People say that eyes are windows to the soul :)

Walking bare feet on the beach will make u feel good & all the calamities will vanish away :) Its nice to be alone & give some time to yourself. I love beaches & you lucky duck I know its summers at ur end...My bro lives in Melbourne & he was teasing me how beautiful the weather is & how much Aussie ppl are enjoying :)

Dumb by Nirvana rocks just like U.
Hugs :)

Stay Beautful..!!

samuru999 said...

Keshi dear
You enjoy your time at the beach!
Sounds perfect to me!
Just enjoy the time alone...
we all need alone time...to connect to ourselves...
I have found some of my happiest times, just being by myself in a peaceful place!
I love to feel the sand and the sound of the waves!
Sure wish I could join you!

The last few days I have had some kind of bad little bug that invaded my tummy, and made me sick!
And, we have a blizzard here today,
all schools are closed, and major highways are closed!

I just want to get out and take a walk....but it's way too dangerous to be outside!
I DO NOT like this kind of weather!
Could you please send some sunshine this way?

Well...I hope it will be a peaceful
evening at the beach...Enjoy!!!!

Huggggz!

Margie
P.S Love the picture!

Keshi said...

Deepz ty!

-----------------------------------

Ghosty u Beta butt :)


**do you eat frog legs? coz the other day I saw alot of em in the aquarium at a restaurant and i felt like its me in there

huh?? LOL Im lost.

-----------------------------------

Thumbelina u know something, u r so very caring...always full of love and so much of support. U r a very beautiful soul. Ty for being here for me always. HUGGGGGGGGGGZ!


**Tats why i learnt something, "Sometimes, u gotta act stupid cos acting clever gives u more troubles

yep...sometimes it's better to be dumb...totally dumb. That way no one's jealous of ya and dun bother to hurt ya.


LOL @mental hospital! aww how I wish u cud be here with me too.


-----------------------------------

Awaiting ty but Im not the sexy momma that u r...girl u r mega HAWWT ;-)


**there will always be someone out there that doesn't give one ounce of care for us

I agree...thats so true! There's always someone who doesnt care a dime. And it hurts alot when that person is someone very close to u.

Yes Numb opened me up to who I really am and what this world is all abt. ty n huggggggggggz!



Keshi.

Keshi said...

Tarun heyy!

**DO look out for some Hunk lurking near by .

well u know wut...I couldnt go to the beach last nite...cos it was pouring cats n dogs n even kangaroos :(


-----------------------------------

Starry u always remind me who I am...I mean that I cannot be w.o. caring...thats so true. I think this is a Numb phase but it teaches me alot of things these days...it's all good :) ty babez n huggggggggz!


-----------------------------------

My_Life heyy u have no beach where u live? awww....I'm surrounded by many beaches...the best beach is like 30mins away but the closest is only a 15mins drive. yeah I know, Im very lucky. Cos I cannot live w.o. the sea near me.


**smile makes the life beautiful,
expand your lips,
it expand your happiness;

I smile alot...but that always dun mean it expans my happiness...sometimes I just smile to get thru the day. It's the truth.

ty n hugggggggggz!

-----------------------------------

Drama_Diva I love KitKats :) ty!


-----------------------------------

Southy I'd def not go home then :) awwwwwww that was sooo sweet - what a beautiful song!! Can I ask who sings it? Absolutely magical lyrics!! And I'd love to see u playing the guitar and singing it for me. I'd just faint haha! And then we can go to the woods hehehe ;-)


**Like a drowning man that's praying for the rain

I loved that line! So beautiful. U want more n more of this magical woman who's burning ya ha? woohoo ;-)

TY n HUGGGGGGGGGGGGZ!



Keshi.

Keshi said...

Aditi hellooo sweetie!

**its better then denial at the very least is for sure

for sure! thats so true.

-----------------------------------

Samy rem Im the nutty so I gotta be dumb lol!


-----------------------------------

Kautilya I so know wut u mean!

**sometimes I get so lost...
just wonder if things are real!

thats exactly what happens with me too. I wonder if all this is so real?? I think how fake this life is sometimes. I have lost interest in many things...bonds, committement, marriage, family, good health, retirement, blah blah blah...Im terribly bored. It just all feels like bull sometimes.

-----------------------------------

Vikas ty! Im sorry to bore u all with my depression :) I hope I will have a cool post next for all of u. Hugggggggggz!




Keshi.

Keshi said...

Lee matey HUGGGGGGGGGZ!

**Now are SURE that you haven't been on LSD? ;).

not sure myself hahaha!


**This is a hard time of the year

I agree. But usually Im very cheerful during Chrissy. This year has been a very difficult year for me...very! And now Im on the verge of moving from my home of 5yrs. So Jan will be very busy looking for a place and then moving all my furniture etc...it's gonna be stressful. But Im gonna assume it's all gonna be a good change for me. ty sweetie HUGGGGGGGGGZ!

-----------------------------------

Murane man hows u?


**Wow, what icy eyes! (icy eyes... is that propper english? lol) - very cool!

Icy mebbe...and dicey too LOL!


**Did u shoot anyone lately? ROFL

yep right b4 taking that pic I murdered a loser (in my head). cant u tell from the look on my face. LOL!


ty Murane I will TC..HUGGGGGGGGGZ!




Keshi.

Anonymous said...

Hi Keshi!
This picture is amazing. You look magicly beautiful.
I know that feeling too.
Have a great time!

Anonymous said...

there are 2 tings dat stop u from doing wat u want to do


FEAR and SHAME
u have now rid your self of both
as i have

u r now SUPERMAN
ok ok SUPERWOMAN


PS: i intend to reveal my self in the full Monty very soon

we are beyond the moral codes of lesser men

Read Nietsche and the likes

Keshi said...

Jeevan mah sweet matey hows u?

**it gives relaxation with out responding to anything.

for sure, TY!

-----------------------------------

Shiv TY!


-----------------------------------

Anonymous who r ya? TT's friend?


**i am in this world
but yet not of this World
- Jesus said dis i think

I love that one.


Im not yet fully liberated cos I still wear my halter-neck tops and shorts ok?? ;-)

-----------------------------------

Anonymous/Saby

**your ego is now totally destroyed
u have now to reinvent your self girl

not at all. This has nuttin to do with u.

-----------------------------------

Anonymous

**u r now beyond hurt
u r almost like God

Im not God...neither am I like Him. I can only see God laughing at me. And I feel He made a few mistakes Himself when he created man.

-----------------------------------

Cinderella HUGGGGGGGZ! I know that song. Cool one. truly beautiful song.

** love spending times at the beach along. just leaning on our car, or sitting in the bench and sipping a cuppa coffee, with the wind blowing into my hair and whispering sweet words of encouragement and courage.

Thats exactly wut I like doing too. And I can see surfers in the far and they always look like dolphins playing with the waves...so beautiful!


Keshi.

Anonymous said...

:)
sounds good, its nice to be numb (or dumb) ( or crazy) once in a while.

enjoy it! u look good in the photo.
ur lips look like they are smiling. :) keep the smile and have fun, keshi. hugs!

Anonymous said...

its not me alone i no
but i like to tink i played a part


u moving?

Anonymous said...

dats fantastic
its time u moved out of your nest

if u want to be a free bird
u gotta move out

Keshi said...

Vince matey ty :) but I cudnt go to the beach as planned last nite...cos it was raining heavily in Sydney last nite and I was sooo sad I cudnt go to the beach...but I drove to my cousins' place and we were organising this Chrissy party with Kris Kringle and all that jazz...so it was fun. :) TY!


** am sure those hunk at the beach will come right after u park your car

haha he's have to be a surfer then ;-) I have a thing for tall blonde surfers.

-----------------------------------


Ashish yeah it's been a long time ha..how u been?

**never been on a beach alone collecting shells but it sounds fun! I am 'J' now ;)

WUTTTTT?? U havent ever done that? cmon u gotta do that kinda thing atleast once in this lifetimes. Those r the best of simple joys ever.


**btw. do 'you sure feel great' or 'you sure feel man'?

?? Sorry I didnt get that...wut d u mean? :)

-----------------------------------

Gautami HUGGGGGGGGGGZ! How r u feeling today? I hope ur coping well. I know ur a strong lady. I hope ur mum's well. Give my love to her plz. I know she must be hurting alot right now.


**This gives us time to rediscover ourselves

I know...it def helps.


lol yeah Im as dumb as I can ever be...and Im enjoying it sweetie...ty n HUGGGGGGGGGZ n TC!

-----------------------------------

Aksahy oh no...u too? :( HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGZ! whatever it is that ur going thru, rem we r here for u ok? We r in this together...we r here to get thru. So whenever u feel like no one understand ya, just come here...and u know we will always understand u and be here for ya..ok??


**Today morning for some reason I was dancing while walking on the street, without caring about anyone else.

thats great :) Thats the kinda thing I do too...do whatever I want these days..I even dance on the wheel. LOL! Just please ur heart and live like nothing exists. U know, like we r all passing flashes that will diminish someday anwyays...so dun care, dun give a damn, just please ur heart.



Keshi.

Anonymous said...

"But I realised that the state I'm in right now makes me wanna be alone and hey who said it's bad. It's not bad at all."

Defly its not bat at all ...Time for soem reflection!

niki yokota said...

keshi-chan i hope u can meet someone to rescue u too....
thanks for that cool nirvana video!!
Merry Pre-Christmas!!!!!

Anonymous said...

"But I realised that the state I'm in right now makes me wanna be alone and hey who said it's bad. It's not bad at all."

Defly its not bat at all ...Time for soem reflection!

Keshi said...

Sanjay HUGGGGGGGGZ ty!

**Hope a Daniel Craig types emerges out of the water ala Bond from Casino Royale

o no he better not come outta the waves...I hate Daniel LOL! Wut abt Sanjay coming outta the waves with a surfboard? oooooo ;-)


-----------------------------------

G'day Helen!

**You're right, it feels great, and in some ways it is your mind's way of coping and healing. After that year or so, though, it was like a switch flipped and I woke up. In retrospect, I think it was just setting goals and seeing them through, that helped me snap out of it

I really liked what u wrote there. It opened my eyes. The mind has it's mysterious ways of coping and tho it feels funny/strange, it's all doing something that our bodies and minds r meant to do at times of stress. Somehow it'll lead to more self-discovery and more ground. I'd like to live in that hope. ty n HUGGGGGGGGGGGZ!


** course it could have been that peote in the Arizona desert...

LOL ur sweet!

ty so much Helen!

-----------------------------------

G'day Soj hows it going?


**even if the photo was silhoutted instead of bleached... well.. ok.. may be not.. I am just trying to say: that is trademark Kesh :) - stary and scary ;)


haha u r mean LOL!

-----------------------------------

Fergal matey hows ya?

**actually the place u r at now with the numbness reminds me a lot of a detached, buddhist point of view - which is goood!

true...in a way I feel a happiness that's neutral. Close to Nirvana it may be ;-)

My eyes r alluring ha..hehe ty alot of ppl say that but why am I still single then? LOL!

-----------------------------------

Asha heyy!

**Create that heart in the pic in your last post with shells on the sand.

thats a great idea ty! I'd try n do it over the chrissy break. Last nite I cudnt go to th ebeach as planned...it was pouring cats n dogs!

Huggggggggz u have a great break with ur family!

-----------------------------------

heyya KK!

**Are you drunk???

LOL it feels like that. I can be drunk w.o. really taking alcohol. My body has in-built alcohol-taps that feed me with it when Im down...;-)

-----------------------------------


Jay hehe ur so sweet, ty n huggggggz mate!


**Ok, it makes you mysterious. I'm
boring. But, a little insane too.

Who says ur boring? I think ur COOL. And I love crazy men ;-)

-----------------------------------

Chris omg its u! I missed ya so much!! Hows it going sweetie? How have u been? All ok with ya? I hope so. HUGGGGGGGGGZ!

Im gonna be just fine...just a lil tipsy these days ;-) ty for being to concerned abt me. I know u care alot abt me. U know it's great to have all u guys care so much abt me when in real life ppl who r close to me dun care all that much. Isnt it amazing. ty so much n u have a lovely day hun!

-----------------------------------

Shionge I never forget to shake my booty...no matter what :) HUGGGGGGGGZ n ty!



Keshi.

trinitystar said...

Keshi,
Its not your fault. Its not your fault remember that.
If you forgive and let go. It will widen your horizon to beautiful things snd lots of fun.
Be happy. Sometimes when one feels low ... to alleviate this feeling do a good turn for someone ... make someone else happy ... and you might find magical things happen.
She gives you a big hug.
Common girl the spirits of your land are right with you.
:o)

Keshi said...

HE u know wut...I loved ur idea abt the 'headroom'!! Where d u get such thoughts from..I was stoked! ty for that tip cos Im gonna use it to my advantage. Im gonna paint it bright pink...oooops I can see HE looking worried LOL! ok how abt a pale pink then...cos I like Pink man..I cant stop loving it. Pale Pink it is then. U like it?

yes this is the time depression hits home for many ppl. For the Lonely, in-debt, sick, homeless, family-less etc etc..suicide rates r high ard this period. I so know.


**The other side is that sickening I Love You so much BS that I am going to buy you something that I will not be able to pay off until November 09!!!

LOL haha so funny! Yes..alot of ppl do that kinda stupid thing. When all u need to give is Love...


-----------------------------------

Ego heyy ur here in a Burkha ha? :) lol so sweet!

**its self-revealing..

Indeedz! ty n huggggggggz sweetie!


-----------------------------------

KAP hugggggggggz!

u think there's so much more to life? Sometimes I feel there's absolutely nothing in this life. Well I know...it may change tomorrow :)


**But there always is a ray between the clouds... to heat up dew from every vine and every leaf...

aww beautiful! I will keep that in mind for sure. ty!

-----------------------------------

JaanKi Huggggggggggggz!

**...But iam not becoming numb...i feel like dying

Been there myself sweetie...but u know wut...I realised that Dying is so much easier than Living with certain circumstances in life. So which path u wanna take? The easy or the hard one? I say take the hard one...show the world that ur a SURVIVOR. Dont do any injustice to yourself...cos u owe alot of love and respect to YOURSELF. Hugggggggggz babez Im here for ya ok?? SO anytime u need a friend, hop in here. Most of all TC.

-----------------------------------

AB u dun live near any beach?

U wanna go for a drive with me then? :) Wud be nice na.

tnxxx mate!

-----------------------------------

Ganesh heyy hows u? How was ur bday?

**you may be numb but you are certainly aren't dumb....

aww tnxx for having so much faith in me :)


**great pic, by the way...theres something about your eyes that I just cant describe....

really? wow I'd luv to know that tho...so try n think wut it is :) HUGGGGGGGGZ!

-----------------------------------

Kavi ur such a wise girl!

** have watched how the waves compete with each other to rush to shore and dissipate into emptiness. Many a time, i have realised that is a great lesson and a humbling experience.

I love what u said there! Absolutely beautiful comparison. TY!


**Look at the sea Kesh !! It holds some answer

Sure does ha! Why d u think I love the ocean...cos it's so much like life. There's so much we can learn from nature but time n again man fails to do so. Nature is our best teacher and so whenever Im a lil down, I seek the company of my soul teacher.

ty n huggggggggggz!

-----------------------------------

G'day St.DickeyBird WC to my world n tnxxxxxxx! Gladu liked what u saw :)

**Will you simply take a virtual hug from a stranger?

awwwwww thats such a sweet gesture when ur here for the first time. HUGGGGGGGZ mate! What a lovely thing to say. TY!

-----------------------------------

Shitrint it sure sets ya free...ty sweetie HUGGGGGGGGZ!

-----------------------------------

Hazel heyy!

** I like the girl who want to sit silently on the beach . staring at the nomadic waves. May be i will bend on my knees

aww I'd really love ur company! ooo lala u gonna propose to me....? ;-) Hugggggggggggz!



Keshi.

Keshi said...

LOL Bev HUGGGGGGGGZ!

**When you are out of touch with reality, what do have to worry about.

true..it sets u free somehow. Its like ur living in this world yet ur not entirely here.

U've been insane for years? LOL now that u've met Keshi ur gonna realise that ur not all that insane after all hahaha!

-----------------------------------

Anonymous heyy!

**"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

So true! I love this one. TY!

-----------------------------------

Maya I feel Nirvana of some sort :) but Im still wearing my mascara n all LOL!

-----------------------------------

Top_Cat u sure know wut I mean, ty!

**I think you're not smiling in the pic because you miss me.lol

LOL cute! Mebbe man..mebbe I did miss ya 2 weekends ago when u were so far away from me flirting with some other chick hehehehe.

tnxx for keeping me company at the beach...twas nice watching the waves with ya and heyy u left ur sunnies with me ;-) Wanna come n get em?

-----------------------------------

Megzz u have always been here for me. HUGGGGGGGGGZ n ty! I know...pain brings alot of soul-searching...right now that pain is numb...mebbe Im immune to pain now..thats great isnt it.

Have a good one babez!

-----------------------------------

G'day Aidan!

**I think it is this time of year, life is crazy, everyone is miserable and in debt

I think so...Im in debt too...not money...Im in debt to myself. I gotta find a way to pay it off. ty n hugggggggggz!

-----------------------------------

z000nie my dearest mate HUGGGGGGGGGGZ! ty for that. I know I will be ok. But Im more worried now cos u say u dun have a beach near ya :) Is that for real?

**are a person with a Golden Heart

awwwwwwwwwww...to hear that from someone as special as u, I feel honored. ty n I must say ur the same...a man with a very pure heart. O.W. We wud never have made up and become friends like this again...after that mess. so yeah, ur GOLD. ty n huggggggggggggz!

-----------------------------------

Stud ty so much! Hope u have a great time with ur lovely wife, family n friends. TC n heyyy dun drink n drive ok.

-----------------------------------

Sugar heyy tnxx, and hows u sweetie?

**People say that eyes are windows to the soul..

yep...so what do my eyes tell ya?


Ur bro is a Victorian? thats great :) Why dun u come over for a holiday then?


U like Kurt too? Love that guy! To me, Kurt's lyrics r God's.

-----------------------------------

Margie HUGGGGGGGGGZ angel!

**The last few days I have had some kind of bad little bug that invaded my tummy, and made me sick!

o no! do TC of urself. I know wut it is to suffer a stomach bug...I was down with it last Chrissy and it was terrible. I think I ate some BBQ chicken and it nearly killed me...yuikkkz! And then I went to the doc and while driving I started throwing up! My mum luckily held a bag for and mannn I was still driving! Worse...when I went to the doc she wanted to give me a needle...I was runnind ard in her office trying to avoid it LOL! Anyways U TC, alot of rest and plenty of water and dry bikkies. Take it easy MWAHHHHHHHHH!


Keshi.

Anonymous said...

**My body has in-built alcohol-taps
Really???? What kinda alcohol??? If is beer then I will be following you with a big mug where ever you go :p

Anonymous said...

when i was little i was the baba of the family - a boy named SUE

then i got admitted to college
it was my first time out of the house

i saw dis as an opportunity
i reinvented my self

i was an introverted skinny shy kid
i was ragged like crazy

all my cherished beliefs and values were torn apart

my shyness as killed
i was made to reveal my self (full Monty) and give a demo of f***king with a pillow to an audience dat included girls too

i survived
(a couple of guys cudnt take it
and left college)

the transformation was complete
i became a new man (not a kid anymore)

Keshi said...

Krys ty n g'day to ya :)

-----------------------------------

Rose I must be smiling at ya ;-) HUGGGGGGGGZ!

-----------------------------------

Anonymous ty!


-----------------------------------

White_Forest heyy hows ya?

Time for some reflection indeed!

ty :)

-----------------------------------


Niki I know u will swim the ocean and rescue me - emotional rescue n all ;-) HUGGGGGGZ!


-----------------------------------

TrinityStar HUGGGGGGGGGGGZ!

** make someone else happy ... and you might find magical things happen

I know...I mean I wanna do that too...but what if the other person never wants u to do that? I mean what if the other person dun want ur love and hugs? I cant be giving em and be trashed...so I stopped. And I feel good.

ty sweetie for being with me thru this.

-----------------------------------

KK heyy :)

**Really???? What kinda alcohol??? If is beer then I will be following you with a big mug where ever you go :p

Internal taps and that alcohol only runs thru my veins...it's only internal so only I can gain from it ;-). Im sure u have ur own internal taps too :)


Keshi.

Anonymous said...

**Thumbelina u know something, u r so very caring...always full of love and so much of support. U r a very beautiful soul. Ty for being here for me always. HUGGGGGGGGGGZ!

- Thank you! (((HUGZ))) Thank you for being there for me too ^_^

**sometimes it's better to be dumb...totally dumb. That way no one's jealous of ya and dun bother to hurt ya.

- Ya.. Its so true.. Let them think tat we are dumb so they wont bother abt us & in the end will only cause hurt to ourselves.. :) We always must think of ways to protect ourselves from getting hurt physically (er.. i m always so clumpsy..) or mentally... :)

**aww how I wish u cud be here with me too.

- Just think of Teletubbies & u'll think of me... HaHa.. ^o^

Thumbelina

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you are very stressed :)
Take care honn

Anonymous said...

the post title reminded me of the song.."comfortably numb " by Pink floyd and "numb" by Linking Park.

and keshi its gud to b alone sometimes...the only time we get a real feel of being ourself.

take care.

sophie said...

Oh my Keshi:)

You are SO very very beautiful-
there is a smile and an impish
look in your eyes i see however...
the word "numb" is fascinating to me as I would not associate that
word ever with you - you strike me
as being quite "alive" and
"vibrant" and "soulful" - perhaps you are just centering your heart and mind for a bit -
I love to go the beach and collect shells and pebbles and make little hearts in the sand and smell the salty air - so wonderful
I love the different moods of the
ocean as well - but I always
have my silly dog with me -
which I like very much:)
Have a nice evening....

hugs:)

southpaw said...

The lyrics and the music of that song is by Carlos Santana and is sung by the calypsonian Bo Bice....:)

Keshi said...

Thumbelina :)

**Just think of Teletubbies

haha cute TY!

----------------------------------

LaVida Im ok dun worry HUGGGGGGGZ!


-----------------------------------

yep I know both of those songs Kavya :)

ty so much!

-----------------------------------

Sophie impish..thats I am LOL! ty!

**I love the different moods of the
ocean as well

me too...ocean is very much like us...sometimes she's calm, sometimes she's totally pissed :)

aww I'd love a dog too...I used to have loads of pets back then...not anymore...

ty sweetie!

-----------------------------------

Santana AHA I guessed it right then! I somehow felt it's a song by them cos I think I heard it b4...but not very familiar with it. ty Southy that was a brilliant choice!

HUGGGGGGGGZ!


Keshi.

Anonymous said...

Oh don't sweat over it. I was just pulling your leg! Actually first time I read it that you sure feel like a great man :P

Anonymous said...

mean huh? :( . I will think twice next time. **makes a mental tatoo**

And i am going on a vacation in 2 days... I too am off till 2nd Jan :D

Have fun kesh!

Dawn....सेहर said...

Dear...solitude is good and I think you need that time for yourself...!

Am sure you will be fine...just give time to yourself
HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGS

Cheers

The Grunt said...

I think these numb/dumb periods are part of our process of recovery. We have to have some downtime, I feel. Just keep notice of how long that downtime is, Keshi.

P.S. It's nice to finally see you.

Vikas said...

hey kesi...sorry if i did hurt you.i did not mean that..hey iam not at all bored and will always be with you in ur bad times..what i meant is i dont like u to be so sad and dull...coz ur so vibrant n lovely girl...

Take Care
Vikas{v}

Anonymous said...

o no he better not come outta the waves...I hate Daniel LOL! Wut abt Sanjay coming outta the waves with a surfboard? oooooo ;-)


lol Anything that floats your boat girl and gets you out of that funk, will be happy to do.

Ces said...

Keshi, all I can say is you are one popular girl. I can see why.

Keshi said...

ok Ashish ty :)

-----------------------------------

Enjoy ur break Soj! C ya in 2007 :)

na u aint a meanie meanie...just meanie lol!

-----------------------------------


Huggggggggggz Dawny ty!

-----------------------------------

Grunt tnxxx matey!

**We have to have some downtime, I feel

yeah it feels like Keshi server is down for a while :) Yep I'll keep note of how long it's gonna be down.

Have a good one!

-----------------------------------

Vikas aww I know that...dun worry. And ty for being here for me HUGGGGGGGGGZ!


-----------------------------------

Sanjay lol ur so sweet...ty for that! And now go n get some surf gear ok ;-)

----------------------------------

Ces hello sweetie WC n ty!

Im popular? hehe mebbe..tnxxx n u have a good Chrissy now HUGGGGGGGZ!




Keshi.

Jewel Rays said...

Great thought!! snapping out of shit.:D lol..really i like this post!!

There are times when things get me really down . I go boogey nights!! Dance till i wanna fall off, DRESS UP and have fun with all!!

And GOsh its helps!! :D

Anonymous said...

this month i'm edgy. it seems that when i try to be helpful. the help is never enough....so, it makes me irritated. now i understand why people want to hide in the mountain. ppl sucks! :P

and also like yourself, i'm contemplating...

Anthony Arojojoye said...

Whoever must have set you in this mood has done something very ugly.

You should have known that you ought to 'guard your heart with all diligence, 'cos out of it flows the fountain of life'.

Anonymous said...

Don't know if you've been getting enough rest, but exhaustion can be part of it. Working the night shift sometimes it happens to me. My adrenal glands get burned out. I hate the numb feeling too, especially when it's a numb ache. Feeling like you're in a rut can cause emotional numbness after a while too. Hope you can bust out of the routine a little, if that's part of the problem.

Bibi said...

Reminds me of Pink Floyd's 'comfortably numb'. Sometimes it's more comfortable to be that way.

Keshi said...

I did just that over the break Amy..tnxxx hun n hugggggggggggz!

-----------------------------------

Dalicia heyy huggggggggz!

**now i understand why people want to hide in the mountain. ppl sucks

SPOT ON! ppl suck...so do we :) cos we r ppl na..lol! But yeah I know wut u mean. It's so hard to live with ppl...so very hard! I wish I was somewhere far away with just my PC...so I dun have to live with ppl but still communicate thru the PC. it's like u cant live with them yet u cant live w.o. em either.

Anyways I hope the New Year brings u joy, happiness, love and much-needed peace of mind. MWAHHHHHH!

-----------------------------------

So true Anthony WOW, ty!

-----------------------------------

tnxx Meister I'll be alright...HUGGGGGGGGGGZ!


-----------------------------------

Indeedz Bibi ty!



Keshi.

saby said...

aun voita bai

shooting star said...

gfeeling numb....very familiar feeling to em..feel like dat once in a while..it sure sets me free..........