Saturday, September 8

End Of The Road...

I've been dying softly but surely, and it's high time you know. I started to write in this space to vent out my feelings during a very difficult phase of my life...feelings that no one in my real life understood. People in my life ridiculed my emotions and never believed in me. They laughed at what I was going through and thought it was all an illusion when it really wasn't. So I made this space a place to have conversations with the walls. Cos the walls listened to me without judging me...they never said anything back but they listened quietly. And in that process I met new people...a whole lot of friends who stopped by to listen as well. And I loved that the most. I felt a kind of love that I never experienced before. I felt that someone really did care for me out there...someone really believed in me and spent a few moments here listening to what I had to say. I felt that I was being appreciated and that God had sent me some angels to rescue my very broken soul. And those angels were you. While it was tremendously therapeutic for me to be here, I haven't yet come out of that difficult phase...it'll always be a part of me. It can't really be helped. But having you all with me, made me forget my misery and that was a great thing. What's really heart-breaking is that while I have all of you, the reality of my life is tragic and it really can't be helped by anyone. The life I live is not a bed of roses and it will never be so. My life has never been mine - it has always been someone else's accessory. All I can say is, today, this very minute, I'm wondering why I'm even alive...it wouldn't matter to anyone if I was alive or not...I'm just a misunderstood humanbeing. Sometimes the one thing you want in life is to be heard, understood and believed by that someone, and i'ts very unfortunate that I never got that in my real life. And it sure does hurt and makes me feel worthless. Words some people say to me, make me question my credibility, my self-worth, my life. Am I even supposed to be here? Do I deserve anything at all? Why do I have to live? I'm really tired of just trudging along...it's just a useless mind-game. I'm sick of being ridiculed and treated like a child...tired of not being allowed to make my own decisions...tired of being laughed at...tired of always being the same person with the same mistakes. I've become a boring person...someone who never gets her chance...someone who never changes...someone who needs to end. Give me one valid reason why I should continue to trudge along this hopeless journey? Sometimes I just wanna tell God off.

My heartfelt THANKS and LOVE to all for listening to my thoughts. I'm sorry if I made you sad. You are the only difference in my otherwise worthless life. Just remember nothing lasts forever...but somehow it seems that my heart is meant to be broken forever...strange, or maybe not. Whatever it is guys, take a load off and stay happy...and I hope that none of you would ever have to face what I face. HUGGGGGGGZ!


Current Music: Killing Me Softly by Fugees

119 Cranium Signets:

red said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
red said...

Hi Keshi,

I have been a silent reader of your blog since recently. But after reading this post...I couldn't just leave without commenting.

From whatever I have learnt from your Blog, I understand that you have had it tough in your life. But it sounds like you have become a wonderfully strong person.

I know that for some people life is not laid out easy. But everyone has a stage of their life which seems the most difficult. But it will pass. It's just a matter of time. Time may not heal everything...but things will definitely get better.

And the only thing I can say is please just hang in there. By running away from difficulties and sadness, you also run away from happiness.

I believe that you have a lot to offer to this world. And You will be missed if you leave. So Please dont. I may not know much about you but I do know that you are absolutely wonderful with words. I honestly mean it. Reading you posts always touches me and sometimes even brings tears. When words have the power to bring out such emotion in people...it is truly wonderful.

So Keshi...just hang in there please.

Regards,
reks

J said...

When things don't seem right, just keep walking and listen to your voice more than anything or anyone else.

Take care K.

red said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cuckoo said...

Heyyy Keshi, what happened again ? why you so sad & depressed these days? It happens with us all the times.
Have you read my recent post ? What you understood from it ?

We just have to go on...

*Hugz*

Jeya Anand said...

I see there's no life in your life:( I share the same kind of pre-existing events that led me to blogging as you.and things have changed dramatically to me and my life since then.this is a place i love so much and its full of kind sweet ppl.
I Would like to say this...the path laid b4 us for all is the same.its just the same for all.no matter who you are,where you are,how you are..
at one stage or the other, everyone will feel the same emotions as others do..thats the truth..so its upto us to stay strong and move on.. but i would also say the limit factor..beyond the limit:( its very hard..anyway cheer up KESHI..:) and yes i am leaving:( hugzzz..

niki yokota said...

keshi-chan
thanks veery much for appreciating us!!
and we are also thankful for ur emtional rescue :)
life is really difficult!
take care and hope tomorrow is better than today for u.

AVIANA said...

chicki,

i'm online if you wanna talk....i have the chat box on my site....it's 7:17 am new york time and i'll be on until 3:00pm my time....so i'll keep checking back and forth on the site....

i have a feeling what i think you're going through...i'm not gonna say it will pass but you have to trudge on...

i'll be on the site....

aviana

ishita said...

kesh i know how when i feel really low, all i ever want is a hug or sumone to just listen...coz honestly even the good ppl say seem just words and the bad even worse..

but just rem what I said a long time back in one of my comments here that even though I knowww how much ppl here (including me and common frenz we have here) matter to you, u have to learn to follow your heart and listen to your own inner voice...and honestly, I know u've been trying to do that and I know you'll get past this too...just believe in yourself...relying on others for happiness is a messy business kesh .. sumthing I keep telling myself not to do...sumthin I keep trying to learn...

I think like me u know it too and we're both finding it tough to simply accept and live accordingly...

We (here in blogs) may luv u and worry abt u wen u're down but fact remains u live the "reality" of your life...not us...and that "reality" is one which only u can either change and make it better or accept and live in... but u cannot run away from it all...when u reach out to us in posts like these, we'll reassure u and remind u of the difference u've made in our lives by being here and writing and reaching out... and to that extent yes we make a difference and make u feel better...but we, sadly, cannot change whatever "reality" u live in...only u can help yourself and make a difference there..

I don't mean to sound harsh or tough...i just want don't want u to lose perspective here..

so hang in there...get a grip on yourself and make that difference in your life..

*hugggzzzz*...

ps: yes my evening was bad last nite..m btr now.. thanks fr droppin by :)

Aditi said...

hang in there keshi i know if anyone can bounce back fromnit u can...
and we are all here for u
=)
**hugs**

Ghost Particle said...

Keshi, luv...i seriously hope 'right now my loneliness is so big that I dun wanna live anymore.' is just a figure of speech.

U r the bravest and strongest and just imagine you have the most friends ever! u r not lonely, u just have to listen to the people who really cares and not the ones who criticizes you. theyre jst not worth the journey.

And please dont go away, you are such a natural blogger and furthermore you are the only one who shows more emotions that anyone else in this blog world. u r human.

things happen, somedays we wake up alone and lonely, sometimes it lasts a lifetime. but the most precious thing is that we are aware of life and we have the special ability to love life.

So dont be a stranger by going away, because even if God doesnt love you, we do.

Hugs and Love mate. Dont make me cry.

Andrew said...

Keshi is the most important person in the world, to Keshi. Don't forget it and treat yourself more kindly.

It is odd how that you get to know people a little via their blog and actually care about them.

Ashu said...

Hey Keshi, you hv been a strong strong girl and you would come out of it with your grit.

Give damn to people. They wont heal you, but make fun of your miseries and inflict more pain and hurt!!!

I know words dont heal but sharing of feelings with people like us on the blogs help.

Surely a time would come, when everything around you would be better and it would be sooner than later.

Love and Huggz

Ashu

venus66 said...

Hi Keshi, such a sad post this time. What is happening? Be strong my friend. Take care.

anuj said...

keshi ..dear ..m sry fr tht sad post of mine .. cause I seriously feel tht all these thghts came bck to u aftr tht .. may b ..

nd hey nones life is gud aftrall .. so wht r u worried abt baby .. its jus d same fr me .. nd somehow have learned to live with it :) .. so dont let those thoughts come bck to u ..

everyones life be it gud or bad .. is worth something & so is urs. A lot.

I am happy tht ur available on weekends as well now :P .. hehe ..
take your time .. listen to some gud songs .. talk to frndz .. n let these thghts lost in some part of ur head..

stay happy :)
cheers

Asha said...

I love you Keshi, hang in there sweetie. Sometimes we feel like shit but it always passes. Read good books which uplifts you spiritually (NOT religious).Hugs:))

vishesh said...

keshi i think you have written whatever i feel...and blogging has been the difference for me too....

captain corky said...

I'm really sad that you're feeling this way, but you're not worthless and you can't listen to people, because people are always going to tell you that you are worthless. People suck most of the time.

No one has the right to make me feel worthless and inadequate. I'm just glad that it didn't take me my entire life to figure this out. It only took half. ;) Seriously, I have to fight my bad thoughts and feelings every day.

You're not worthless Keshi! You're amazing and you deserve a lot better than to feel this way.

WP2007 said...

Hi Keshi

This post disturbs me. Since I started commenting on your blog, I've never read anything like this post.

I'm not going to flatter you with useless words.

I would like you to know that I do care about you.

Very seldom do I comment on blogs, yours is an exception.

Why?

Because I saw you as an sincere person.

I wrote once on the subject of being friends with a cyberspace personality. Research finds that this relationship is far beyond the snail-mail-pen-pal age. The reasoning behind this is that you can communicate instantly rather than waiting a week or more.

If you reason this into your thinking, people really do care about you.

I do care when you are down like this. Obviously, others care as well. You're the reason people comment on this blog. I've noticed that at least one comment has come from someone who has been reading your blog, but has never commented until now. This too should tell you that people care.

I think you may be coming to a stage in life where you must break away from your family. I don't mean that you should never talk to them, but you should consider moving to another locale.

I was once in your state. (Although, I was not with my real family because I lost my parents when I was young.) I knew I had to make a change. I moved away, not far, but far enough, and I have never looked back.

I hope and pray all works out.

Your friend

Bev

Adorable Pancreas said...

It always helps to have a sense of humour.

Be strong, hon. :)

(I better see a new post when I come back in a couple of days.)

AmitL said...

Hi,National Treasure,err,Keshi-whew...what a mood swing-from up there,to down here.:)But,seriously,I totally empathize with what you are saying.(No,I won't repeat my usual statement of happiness.grin).But,believe me when I say this,you're not the only one who questions her existence in life,who has some troubles or the other at home,who longs for someone particular to listen to her/him.And,the worst that one can do,is feel depressed because of this,because,it's simply not worth it.Do you know what I do when I get up?I move the arms,legs,head,open the eyes...assure myself I'm fine,and,get up and thank God with eyes closed,imagining Him up there,smiling.And,that's how my day usually begins.Sometimes there's tension,sometimes it flies by happily,but,at the end of the day,I remember to thank Him,for letting the day go as it did.There's so many things I can think of that make me unhappy,that make me wonder whether'kal ho na ho',but,moping over them?No way...I wouldn't,couldn't and won't! If I do,I'd be a loser,and,I surely don't want to give myself that tag.And,I am sure,nor do you.Am I right?Awaiting a 'most cheerful'post next time.TC.Happy weekending.

david santos said...

Thanks for posting, Keshi! Very pretty image and very good text. Have good weekend

Akshay said...

Hey Keshi,

Whats wrong babes? I hope this is not the end to this blog. Just take it easy, sometimes you will have good days and sometimes bad. And dont say your heart will remain broken forever. It is not meant to be that way. Wonderful people like don't end up with broken hearts forever. Trust me on this one babes.

This last paragraph is just for you. You have my email address, pls do write to me as to what bothers you. I know you have plenty of friends who are there for you. I just want to help. If you think, you can tell me that would be great, if not.. thats also ok. I will be around whenever you need me. Take care. Love, Akshay

Iceman said...

Hey sweetheart!

U always win! No matter what...
Coz thats what is meant 2 b!

krystyna said...

Hi Keshi!
I'm not good writer so I'd like to send to you the warm, friendly huuuggs!
And one question - I wonder how do you know me such closely? Reading about you I thought that I read about me. You wrote my thoughts and about my life. I'm Capricorn. And you?
Your beautiful, magnificent soul shines bright! You are special, Keshi!!!

Kalpana said...

Everyone, when in difficult phase, feels worthless and pointless to lead life. But, still we need to move on with hope coz there might be some light focussed on us in future. Hope, I feel is a must. Cheer up buddy. We all are there for you.

KAYLEE said...

HOPE YOU ARE BETTER SOON YOU ARENT LEAVIN ME ARE YOU?

Alok said...

Keshi .... first a big hugggggzzzzz ...

I dunno Keshi wht to say ... wht shld I say ... should I say life is never easy .... but then tht's such a cliched thing to say ... shld I say things will be alright ... again I will be belittling ur emotions ....

But Keshi, do realise how strong a person u r .... very very strong ... and u know tht ...

Keshi ... irrespective of hw life treated u, I think it is very important to respect yourself ... i guess that's the biggest litmus test .... and since u respect urself, I dont think this phase will keep u down ... it will always be there for thts ur skin now but then how u use it in moulding or changing ur life is wht will define the character ...

Keshi cherish all those memories whether bitter or sweet for they are urs ..no one can understand them but u .... sit back and see how it has changed ur life ... see how it has made u the person that u r today .... see all the positives (believe me there will be many of them) in those changes ... and if u see them feel proud abt it for they r wht made u the wonderful person that u r ... so i say cherish them ... the pains will be urs .... the happiness if u r able to squeeze out of them are also urs ....

Once I had written something after reading one of ur posts ... I will post it today here (I had posted it on my blog)

"Was it hiding behind the curtains
ambushed with stain and ruptured
shuddering trees of grey wound
past three quarters a day
limbs akimbo of dead grudge
and assiduous pain, throbbing;
her blood a lesser red
diluted and suffered ...........


It will not make u feel good but I want to say "I understand" what u r going thru ...

take care and huggggzzz


alok

Autumn Storm said...

Forgive me if this comment is a mess.

Keshi, firstly, we are never alone, you have people who genuinely care and listen and respect you. These people may not be around you in real terms at this moment, ie in your real world life, but they exist never the less. If it helps, think of this truth, if you are here sharing your innermost thoughts, the real you behind the hurt and the pain and the day-to-day dealings that you have with your life, and the people here react to you so warmly, welcoming your presence in their lives, coming back for more of you, month after month, year after year, that should count. For the reason that it is real, but also for the reason that you should use this knowledge to counteract what you feel in your real life. Use it to remind yourself that these people who are treating you this way, not listening, not respecting you, do not deserve to have so much influence over the way in which you view yourself.

I can relate. With so much of what you say here, and I can also hear some of the things that you are asking yourself here from not just my past but from my present at times when I feel less able to combat it for a while for whatever reason.
From what you write, it seems to me that you have periods where you know with absolute clarity that this is wrong of them, that there is no reason to be this way with you, but at other times you start to question whether they are right and you are wrong.

What you need to do is concentrate on the things that are healthy for you, listen to the voices and hopefully your own will be the loudest that are saying the good things about you that you know to be true. Keep hanging onto that feeling of unfairness, keep questioning and drawing the same conclusion, that they are wrong, that it isn't right to be this way with you, you know it, otherwise you wouldn't have continued to question it all this time, you would have simply folded. It is always much easier to concentrate on the things that are dangerous to us, simply because they are that, they pose a danger and so they get our full attention. This way of thinking, this wondering whether you have a place in the world is dangerous. Don't let that get a grip of you, not because I think that you would ever start thinking about this in serious terms, but because it is making you feel bad, and if it is making you feel that way then it is detrimental to your health longterm and it will most certainly keep you from ever feeling peaceful or happy.

We cannot always choose the people that are a part of our lives, but you can choose how much space you give them. Sometimes you really do have to think of yourself first, ie if people are having such a direct influence on your emotional well-being in a negative way, then this needs to change, however you go about that which in the most extreme case-scenario so to speak means removing them from your life.

If something is not good for you, what good is it keeping it with you. Almost too simple to formulate properly.

I know that you know that you are worthy of the good things in your life, and I know that you know that that you deserve to be happy, now you just need to get there. Decide that somethings stop here and now. Know that you deserve good things, that you deserve to be the best you can be and set about achieving that. Achieving a full life so to speak, where you devote yourself to it.

This is the end of the road indeed, and now that you have decided that, that you have had enough, you can use that for the positive means of making a new road for yourself, one where you are going your way (again so to speak). Your life, your road, take with you what you need, leave the rest behind, enjoy the sunshine, use an umbrella in the rain (sorry, sometimes words just spew).

Know what you know, deep in your heart, and leave the rest out in the cold. You know you are a good person, worthy, unique, that you have a legitimate place in this world that only you can fill, you know it, not you just need to remember it, keep convincing yourself of it, keep telling yourself, keep reminding yourself that this is the truth and the only truth that matters. You are capable of making this world a better place, you already do.

Take good care of you.

Pijush said...

Dear Keshi,

I am speechless. I don’t know what happened with you and I don’t want to know, but I believe me, not everyone be like Keshi. You are unique, one in a million. Each of your post is a painting, a free flow of thousands of emotions which touches our heart.
Anything which not kills will make you strengthen. It happens with everyone. Some of us are little more unfortunate, but God picks them who can withstand it.
Life has to move on, so you have to. Just face it. We all know how brave you are.

Try to Smile,
Piush

Trée said...

My ears are yours. As for the rest of me, well, we can negotiate. :-D

cathouse teri said...

Hi Sweetie,
I'm sorry you have to go through such struggles. I know you know that you are valued by many, but that is hard to see at times like these. To use the words in a song, I have also felt the chill of this world down to the bone, walked many a mile down this road on my own, been through hell on my knees and come face to face with the devil. There's no denying it. It's a wretched life. But those moments of sunshine you give all of us, and that we give you, is what makes it worth it.

It's my granddaughter's third birthday on Thursday. Yep, on 9/11. When she was due, everyone told me that they hoped she would not be born that day. I said, "I kind of hope she is. Because we always have to have new life."

Maybe my words are just words and I am not sure if they help or make things worse.

I just know that you have made a difference in our lives, too. Don't ever forget that.

Also, do you know the story of that song? "Killing Me Softly?" You probably do, but I'll tell you anyway. :)

It was a poem (Killing Me Softly With His Blues) written by a young woman named Lori Lieberman, after seeing a young man soulfully deliver his song, "Empty Chairs." A friend of hers had invited her to see him and she was so moved by his words that she wrote this in response to it. He was later to become very well known with one of his best known hits, "American Pie." It was Don McLean, whom I believe to be a modern day prophet. Amazing man, if you ever get a chance to see him live.

Lori's song was set to music and went relatively unnoticed until Roberta Flack heard it playing on the music track overhead on an airline flight. She picked it up and the rest is history.

Jim said...

I dont like this one bit
is there some thing u r not telling?

a broken heart
a love gone wrong?
a medical problem?

if u dont tell
we cant help u cope with it

general_boy said...

Keshi, I really don't know where to start... and I don't know the answers because it is just not possible to fully comprehend somebody else's reality, and their suffering.

I know you are asking yourself these questions, but you are not alone.

Do I deserve anything at all?
Why do I have to live?


You deserve everything, you deserve the right to have a meaningful life and to love and be loved. Absolutely.

I'm really tired of just trudging along...

No doubt about it... sometimes the road is long and you can't see where you're going... but you MUST keep going. You just really never know what is around the corner.

I'm ...tired of not being allowed to make my own decisions...

Losing control of your own life is one of the most miserable things anyone can suffer - but as long as you live, the will to get it back stands. You have to draw on that.

I've become a boring person...

Ohhhhhh, let me tell you, I have beaten myself up with that one too! Keshi, you are maybe a sad person right now, but you are definitely NOT boring. :)

Give me one valid reason why I should continue to trudge along this hopeless journey?

Because you matter. What you do, and what you say, and what you think makes a difference to someone, somewhere. Because if you make it, you will give other people hope - people who are struggling... just like you.

I'm sorry if I made you sad.

You have nothing to be sorry for Keshi... why apologise for being who you are?

I think there's a lot of people you've inspired... and impressed... are you sorry about that? Should you aplogise for that?

There's a hundered pairs of hands reaching out to you Keshi, mine are in there too.

So grab on... and hang on. :)

xx

angel said...

hugs sweetie.. sorry you're not feeling so well today, hang in there.. it will get better xx

The Phosgene Kid said...

Want to know why you are alive? Take a bite of chocolate and it will all come back to you! You are here to enjoy life...

Ghost Particle said...

you there Keshi?

Coco said...

Keshi,
You are a beautiful and precious human being with a compassionate soul!!

Be strong in your beliefs, don't let anyone disrespect you!

I don't know what exactly is troubling you, but if I can help,
I am here for you! My e-mail is
msestrelladuran@yahoo.com
home phone: 510.429.7546
cell phone: 510.366.7645
*don't know the international codes...sorry

Today's conversation with my mom was about "life"...what is life?
"Life" is a BLESSING! Life is a little bit of everything, from happiness to sadness...all a gift from God.

PLEASE don't let anyone "abuse" or "use" you!!

I wish I were there with you to help you out...

I also know, from experience, that when one thinks of "death", of no longer "existing", one must IMMEDIATELY seek professional help. PLEASE speak to a "therapist"!! PLEASE!!

Even though we've never met, I think of you as a close and dear friend...always wishing you the best in life!

My heart and prayers are with you.
HUUGS!

Blessings.
Coco

ps
please speak to a therapist!

Steph said...

You sound depressed and I'm concerned for you.
Please be kind to yourself, whatever you're going through right now it's NOT going to be forever, nothing ever is, for better or worse life is not static and things change.

The sun IS gonna come up again tomorrow sweet girl. No matter what.

Saltwater Blues said...

At the end of the road, God will ask why you were in such a damn hurry to get there!

Maybe you will find something here that will make you change your mind (http://freakinblues.blogspot.com)

J. Andrew Lockhart said...

When I think I have problems, I read the book of Job in the Bible. Please look at it.

In Ink said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Southpaw unplugged said...

I hv emailed u and i need an answer on that quickly.

curryegg said...

NO matter what, we will support you here... Be strong my dear.. :)

Tys on Ice said...

hey...33 comments and more on the way...look, Iam never one on advice and the truth is that I can understand the state of ur mind as u wrote those words...you are questioning, keshi and thts a lot more than a lot of people who just lives...stand aside and watch ur life...keshi, the only the thing u can control in ur life is ur own..ur thoughts, ur deeds, ur life...dont expect anything from anyone...i dont mean that in a bitter way...but dont allow anyone to run ur life , if they do, pls ensure that its wht u want...nobody has the power to hurt u unless u bestow them that power...stand apart...see ur life..look how far u hve come, how much u have learned, how much u know, how much u hve gained, how much u hve touched...tht probably is the reason for life...just be, keshi...u r doing great.

phishez_rule said...

Keshi, that sucks that you feel that way. You are smart, funny and beautiful. But more than that, you are a beautiful soul. You seem to write things that you'd never tell a real life friend. We see a side to you that others don't. And we love it.

I know depression. It will lift. It might not feel that way now. but it will. Slowly, a little bit at a time.

If you ever want to catch up for coffee, drop me a line. As a fellow Sydney sider, its not impossible.

akanksha said...

Hey...just hang in there,i am sure things would improve,they always do,,,whether sooner or later.Everything happens for good...just keep this phrase in mind and try and be happy.take care of yourself coz ur life is not worthless my dear.Just hang in...
I bumped here from Rajeev's blog.And here i cant stop myself from blogrolling you,with a hope dat u'll come up with another post soon and its not he end.Tk cr.

Outdoorsy Girl said...

Keshi,

You sound so sad in your post. :( I really hope that you are okay. I can't imagine what you are going through, but I can feel that this pain is real.

There is nothing like being misunderstood or not taken seriously as if your feelings, opinion, and emotions have no merit at all. It's completely bullshit. You are a person who knows what she feels and is not wrong in feeling this way. Just because you may not feel the way your friends or family think you should does NOT make it any less real.

If there is anything I can do, please email me. I would do anything to help you out. My email addy is on my profile. I know I am not "real" life, but....

Take care, Kesh. I'm sending prayers your way. Sometimes when you feel like telling God off and feel He has turned his back on you, someone else needs to step in and talk to Him for you. ;)

WP2007 said...

Hi Keshi

I think you can relate to this. I wrote it concerning another situation.

I AM YOUR FRIEND
I STOOD BESIDE
VOWED TO TAKE CARE
THROUGH GOOD AND BAD
YOU CAN'T DIE

I AM YOUR TOOL
I AM YOUR FOOL
I AM YOUR SLAVE
I AM YOUR FRIEND

I WAS THERE WHEN
YOU WERE SO SO SICK
I STAYED BY YOUR SIDE
THINKING OF THE DESPAIR
YOU CAN'T DIE


I AM YOUR TOOL
I AM YOUR FOOL
I AM YOUR SLAVE
I AM YOUR FRIEND

I NURSED YOU BACK
FROM DEATH'S BRINK
I CARED FOR YOU
LIKE NO OTHER COULD
YOU CAN'T DIE


I AM YOUR TOOL
I AM YOUR FOOL
I AM YOUR SLAVE
I AM YOUR FRIEND

YOU ARE NOW WELL
YOU NEED ME NO MORE
YOU SAID NO THANKS
YOU TEAR ME DOWN
YOU DID NOT DIE

I WAS YOUR TOOL
I WAS YOUR FOOL
I WAS YOUR SLAVE
I WAS YOUR FRIEND

YOU HURT ME BAD
YOU ARE NOT THE SAME
YOU CARE NOT FOR ME
YOU TOOK MY LIFE
YOU DID NOT DIE

I WAS YOUR TOOL
I WAS YOUR FOOL
I WAS YOUR SLAVE
I WAS YOUR FRIEND

YOU PUT ME DOWN
YOU ENDED MY BEING
YOU PULLED THE TRIGGER
YOU HELPED ME DIE
YOU DID NOT DIE

I WAS YOUR TOOL
I WAS YOUR FOOL
I WAS YOUR SLAVE
I WAS YOUR FRIEND

Bev

The Acid Tongue said...

Hey!!!! Cheer Up now! {'Cuz i'm back, lolz!}

Justin Thyme said...

Hey gorgeous! What more can I say than what others (and Autumn in particular) have already said?

You are right - this is the end of the road. But it's not THE end - in fact, it's just the beginning. You can choose to go down a new path, a new road, taking the lessons you have learned from this situation and others with you as you start a new journey.

New roads can be scary, especially when we feel like we are so completely alone. As you well know, I was once there myself... when I first started blogging, it was called "a view from the shadows" because I honestly felt like I was alone, going through the most difficult time of my life and feeling all alone, without hope. Rather than simply giving up, I chose a new direction, though, and my blog became an expression of my new journey, and thus became called "a new beginning." And in those first tentative steps I took onto an unknown road, I had the friendship and kindness of wonderful souls like you and Autumn. Your friendships have been as real to me as any physical one... perhaps even more so because in the beginning I found that I could express an honesty here in the blogosphere and could share things that I felt I could not share with others in "real" life. It was because I could take those first steps on a new road here that I was also able to take them in "real" life.

But what is "real" life anyway? The blogosphere and the people within in whom you have touched and whom care deeply for you are as real as anyone sitting right next to you. Let me put it this way - I telecommute for my job, and living in Los Angeles, I communicate with people in our corporate office back in Fort Lauderdale as well as in our offices around the world. I have developed strong, positive, working relationships with my work colleagues through e-mail and our company software system, and those relationships with people I have never met are just as real as the ones I have developed with people I have worked side-by-side with. In short (I know... too late for that), the people who care for you here are as real as anyone else in your life.

You have a world of people out here who do genuinely care for you. I am proud to count myself among them.

Fleiger said...

Come on Keshi... cheer up. As you said, you get some very good friends online, and except direct contact, there is no much difference there.

annie said...

OMG...Is that the Keshi i know who is speakin here? Never saw this side of urs n kinda taken a back today.

My words wont help I know, infact, nobody's words help. It gives a momentary happiness but in the end we all are alone. I am no healer...u know what I am goin thru...Just wanna say put ur chin up and just release everytin.

The day we stop fightin for anythin in life....pieces will fall info place.

Just start leadin a blank life given away to time and i am sure one day God will see us to bless us with eternal happiness.

Jenny! said...

Fantastic song! Very sad! Cheer up bright eyes!

KAYLEE said...

i e4mailed you....

KAYLEE said...

YOU DONT KNOW HOW SAD THIS POST MAKES ME BECAUSE ITS HOW I FEEL TOO:( qill misss you :P

Peter said...

Come on!! We all know that you are worth a lot, to many! We love you!

Killing me softly is a fantastic song (I remember of course especially the Roberta Flack version), but don't take the lyrics too personally!

Jim said...

Heyyyyy Justine
i hurt u when u were vulnerable
can u forgive me?

Jim said...

Keshi read Justines post again
He is a survivor

and he got grit
true grit

Jim said...

ane he got my girl Autumn

KAYLEE said...

had to write a post too its a sad one but....................its my feelings:)

Jim said...

Keshi
we all gott problems
we all have had heartaches by the dozen
medical probs too


i been diagnosed as Bipolar
my bipolar showed up when my girl was with me in Goa

now she haS DUMPED ME
i cried for a day

but i will survive
i already started flirting with Andrews girls

and he warned me to lay off
but i get the feeling Andrew is Julius, a blonde

and she has gott the hottz for me

KAYLEE said...

I FEEL BETTER NOW knowing that BUT READ MY BLOG FOR YOUR ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION:)

Jim said...

Life is good
OK OK not all good

ilfe is a roller coaster is more like it

one day u r up there in the clouds on a high

and the next day u r in the pits

its like this with me and a whole lott of people who are diagnosed as bipolar

and many more who havent been diagnosed as yet

check out my bipolar blog guys

The Phosgene Kid said...

I am quad polar. Think you feel bad now, wait until your kids are grown and everyday runs into the next. What a hoot that is. Keep Blogging anyway, it is great therapy and it is cheap. Besides, I'd miss you...

Jim said...

and Kaylee
stop crying like a baby
Keshi is going nowhere

but i tot u had the hottz for Anuj
not Keshi

Jim said...

Andrew Lockhart
i read Job too

Job was a wussy
he kept on wailing why me
why me lord

SHIT
u dont ask why

u just take what u have been dished out and make the most of it

i suggest u read the Gita
not the Bible

the Bible is for loosers

jitendra said...

hm? what was all this about? m clueless. fill in pls.

Jim said...

Life, a song a dance

This book is a collection of transcribed versions of 5 discourses during which he says that it takes courage to find the truth. People are not ready to give up their dreams and their dreaming.




They are not ready to drop the mind and move into the immediate.Only a few people have ever dared to discover truth.




It is risky, Osho warns us. It may shatter all that you have known before and you will have to re-arrange your whole life.




It is dangerous: it may destroy all your illusions, it may shatter all your dreams.




CONTENTS: 1. At the Center We are One2. Love and Centering: One Phenomenon3. In Love, Drop the Object4. Mind as a Master is a Disaster5. God is Because You are Full of Fear










He felt that modern man is so burdened with the archaic traditions of the past as well as the anxieties of modern-day living, that he must go through a deep cleansing process before he can hope to discover the thought-less relaxed state of meditation.


http://www.indiaclub.com/shop/SearchResults.asp?ProdStock=6145

lee said...

Without fully knowing your situation it is difficult to know what to say to help bring solace to you -but I will say to you to tap into your own strength because we are all stronger than we know.Sending love and a big squeezy cuddle to you (((keshi))).

Jay said...

Sorry you're having a difficult time and are sad Keshi. Just know that we will always be here for you and you have brought a lot of joy and love and warmth to our lives.

Keshi said...

Red u really made me feel better. TY SO MUCH! I dun even hv words ro express how I felt after reading ur comment.

I appreciate ur kindness...I will never forget that.

-----------------------------------

Jon thats some pretty good advice for me..ty!


-----------------------------------

Cuckoo ty sweetie!

I read ur post...and Im working towards it. That helped alot u know.



Keshi.

Keshi said...

Jeye why r u going away?

** but i would also say the limit factor..beyond the limit

I agree..its so hard. But I realised being in blogs helps. So stay.


-----------------------------------

ty Niki HUGGGGGGGGZ!


-----------------------------------

Lisa sorry I missed u that nite...

ty so much for being so caring. HUGGGGGGGGGZ!



Keshi.

Keshi said...

Ish u always make me feel better...u hv that amazing power in ya. ty n HUGGGGGGGGGGGZ!


**We (here in blogs) may luv u and worry abt u wen u're down but fact remains u live the "reality" of your life...not us

so true! U know what I mean. And thats a relief Ish.


u being here, meant alot to me...so tnxx a ton n I will keep ur precious advice in my mind. MWAHHHHHHHH!


-----------------------------------

aww Ghosty u made me feel so loved n more special than I really am.


**if God doesnt love you, we do.

that meant alot to me! ty n HUGGGGGGGGGGGZ!


so u'll stay too?

-----------------------------------

Andrew thats true...we care abt each other ha.


**Keshi is the most important person in the world, to Keshi.

aww that was put beautifully. THANKS n I will keep that in mind for sure.

HUGGGGGGGGGGZ!



Keshi.

Keshi said...

Aditi tnxx alot!


-----------------------------------

Ashu ur words mean alot to me. THANKS!



-----------------------------------

Venus Im glad I wrote it...cos I feel so much better now...cos of all of u.


TY!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Anuj nah ur post didnt make me write this mate...dun worry...it was something else. I had a hurtful argument with someone...and this post is a result of that.

but Im glad I wrote it...cos I put it off my chest now...and all of u r making me see some light.


**.. n let these thghts lost in some part of ur head..

I agree...as usual, I do that today too. tnxx n HUGGGGGGGGGGGZ!


-----------------------------------


Asha I must really do that..I mean read good books...

ty n HUGGGGGGGGGGZ!


-----------------------------------

Vish ty!

**keshi i think you have written whatever i feel

seriously? but why YOU?



Keshi.

Keshi said...

I agree Corky..ppl can say anything...but we must not let it get to us.


**I'm just glad that it didn't take me my entire life to figure this out

Im glad :) I wanna be that too.


-----------------------------------

ty Bev ur comment means alot to me! HUGGGGGGGGGGGGZ! I will keep that in mind.


**If you reason this into your thinking, people really do care about you.

I agree...and u r one of them.. I so know that from the way u write to me. u r a TRUE FRIEND. I LOVE YA BEV!


-----------------------------------

ty Adorable! u r so sweet!




Keshi.

Keshi said...

Amit ty so much! U guys put me back on track. Im so lucky to hv u all here. I seriously am!

***HUGS***

-----------------------------------

tnxx Dave hv a good one mate!



-----------------------------------

Akshay I'll write to u soon, tnxxx!


** Wonderful people like don't end up with broken hearts forever. Trust me on this one babes.

somehow I dun believe in that Akshay...cos it's not always the case.

but Im glad I have YOU. HUGGGGGGGGGGGZ!

-----------------------------------

Iceman HUGGGGGGGGGGGGZ!

tnxx for being here for me.


-----------------------------------

ty so much Krys HUGGGGGGGZ!


** I wonder how do you know me such closely? Reading about you I thought that I read about me.

really? awww...guess we all feel this way in our lives.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Kalpana!

**But, still we need to move on with hope coz there might be some light focussed on us in future

yep...lets see what happens..

-----------------------------------

Kaylz nah...I'll be here for a lil bit longer...dun wanna leave all these lovely ppl missing me u know :)

but where r u going?



Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww tnxx Alok!

I know...self-respect is imp n we must bounce bak to making ourselves loved. ty so much for reminding me of that!


**"Was it hiding behind the curtains
ambushed with stain and ruptured
shuddering trees of grey wound
past three quarters a day
limbs akimbo of dead grudge
and assiduous pain, throbbing;
her blood a lesser red
diluted and suffered ...........


WOW so beautiful! So apt. u r such a great writer Alok..one who can reach out to the very soul of the reader. tnxx for sharing this here! I will keep that in mind.


-----------------------------------

Autumn u always bring a new perspective into my thoughts. TY SO MUCH FOR THAT! U made me cry..not in a bad way...but ur words opened my eyes and Im so glad to hv u in my life!


**We cannot always choose the people that are a part of our lives, but you can choose how much space you give them

I agree...so true!


**you can use that for the positive means of making a new road for yourself, one where you are going your way (again so to speak

that really made me think..I didnt even think of a new road, until I read that...u r sooo wise n caring. Now Im sitting here planning my new road, when only 2 days ago I thought there were no more roads to walk...

HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGZ! Im thankful for having u in my life!




Keshi.

La vida Loca said...

Oh Keshi
Huggzzz and muuuaaahh to you.
You are a wonderful and precious being and you enrich our lives. And you are strong.
So hang in there, ok?

Keshi said...

Pijush ur words strengthened my soul...TY!


**but God picks them who can withstand it.

I wonder abt that often...lets see what I hv in store..


HUGGGGGGGGGGZ mate!


-----------------------------------

hey Tre!

**My ears are yours. As for the rest of me, well, we can negotiate

LOL ok u managed to make me laugh YEYYYYYYYYYYYY! :) TY SO MCUH!

**HUGS**

so now can i hv ALL of ya? ;-)


-----------------------------------

Teri darl ty co much! U make so much fo sense...


**But those moments of sunshine you give all of us, and that we give you, is what makes it worth it.

Definitely! and ty for making me feel so loved n appreciated. I love u too!


** "I kind of hope she is. Because we always have to have new life."

I love the way u said that...u r a very FRESH-minded woman.



**Killing me softly

I love the Roberta Flack version better. but that story, I didnt know...wow interesting! THANKS SO MUCH!


-----------------------------------

Jim somethings r not worth telling....cos they just cant be helped.

tnxx anyways!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Boy u took my breath away with ur comment! HUGGGGGGGGGGZ n ty!


**No doubt about it... sometimes the road is long and you can't see where you're going... but you MUST keep going. You just really never know what is around the corner.

true...like Autumn said in her comment, there's always a new road that we can step into...



**Losing control of your own life is one of the most miserable things anyone can suffer - but as long as you live, the will to get it back stands. You have to draw on that.

u think so? I'd like to believe in that too.



**Ohhhhhh, let me tell you, I have beaten myself up with that one too! Keshi, you are maybe a sad person right now, but you are definitely NOT boring. :)

Im stoked to bits mate :) tnxx!


**Because you matter. What you do, and what you say, and what you think makes a difference to someone, somewhere. Because if you make it, you will give other people hope - people who are struggling... just like you.

aww thats deep..ty so much n YOU MATTER too. U know that right?

Love ya mate n ty so much for taking time to make me realise all this...you're a legend!


-----------------------------------

Angel ur right...it does get better...cos of all of you. ty n HUGGGGGGGGZ!


Keshi.

I'm sorry if I made you sad.

You have nothing to be sorry for Keshi... why apologise for being who you are?

I think there's a lot of people you've inspired... and impressed... are you sorry about that? Should you aplogise for that?

There's a hundered pairs of hands reaching out to you Keshi, mine are in there too.

Keshi said...

Phos heyy!

**Want to know why you are alive? Take a bite of chocolate and it will all come back to you! You are here to enjoy life...

aww how sweet. ty n HUGGGGGGGGGZ!


-----------------------------------

Ghosty Im right here...hows u?



-----------------------------------

Coco u r so loving! ty so much for all the contact details etc. that was so very sweet. HUGGGGGGGGGGGZ!

btw dun worry abt me too much...Im ok now hun.


**"Life" is a BLESSING! Life is a little bit of everything, from happiness to sadness...all a gift from God.

I agree..thats lovely.



** one must IMMEDIATELY seek professional help. PLEASE speak to a "therapist"!! PLEASE!!

Im sure I'd drive the therapist up the walls :) U see how much my mood swings hehehe...

anyways tnxx hun...DUNCHA WORRY...Im ALIVE. ;-) HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGZ!

-----------------------------------

Stepher I had tears as I read ur comment..ty SO MUCH! U know how much ur words mean to me right?

LOVE YA!




Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Salty!


**At the end of the road, God will ask why you were in such a damn hurry to get there!

hehe and I might tell Him 'why did u put me thru all that drama for?'.


-----------------------------------

Andrew I should read it...tnxx alot!


-----------------------------------

Ink WC n ty!

I will read it soon.


**You're not alone. I don't know jack shit about you but I care. It does matter if you are alive. I hear you, I understand some and I believe in you.

awww how very caring.that means alot to me. TY!

dun worry...Im oj today. :)

-----------------------------------

Southy I replied. ty so much!


HUGGGGGGGGGGGZ!



Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww Curryegg tnxx!

***HUGS***

-----------------------------------

Tys that was truly TOUCHING! ty N HUGGGGGGGGGZ!


**...keshi, the only the thing u can control in ur life is ur own..ur thoughts, ur deeds, ur life...dont expect anything from anyone.

so true...I will keep that in minf Tys. I know, the POWER is in me.


-----------------------------------

hey Phishez ty for the Coffee offer...wow how sweet is that!


** You seem to write things that you'd never tell a real life friend. We see a side to you that others don't. And we love it.

true...no one in my real life knows these feelings of mine at all....


ty for being here matey...HUGGGGGGZ!

-----------------------------------

Akanshka WC n ty my dear!


Every word u said is true.


I hope to hang in there for a lil longer :) So dun worry...HUGGGGGGGGZ!



Keshi.

Keshi said...

Outdoorsy MWAHHHHHHHHHZ!

tnxx hun...u r gold..and u r REAL...just cos ur a net friend, that doesnt mean u dun BREATHE? So always rem U R REAL to me.


**There is nothing like being misunderstood or not taken seriously as if your feelings, opinion, and emotions have no merit at all.

U know wut I mean dun u. that hurts alot. Well anyways, I hv all of u here...what a truck load of SUPPORT!


**Sometimes when you feel like telling God off and feel He has turned his back on you, someone else needs to step in and talk to Him for you

thats such a beautiful thing to say! ty n HUGGGGGGGGZ! I shall be ok...with u guys here, I can never be too sad for too long. :)


-----------------------------------

WOW Bev u wrote that? Brilliant! Somehow I can relate to that alot...it's abt self right? It's like Keshi talking to her Self?


**YOU HELPED ME DIE
YOU DID NOT DIE

thats true...cos thats what really happens inside...


ty Bev n HUGGGGGGGGGGZ!



Keshi.

diyadear said...

keshi dear,
yeah it reakky pains to hear this fro a bubbly positive you.till the end i thought u were talkin abt sumone else.. but i know dear, life is never a bed of roses.. u kow wat life has been real hard on me too.. there hasn't been a single yr when ther hasnt been a sad event. but now i feel watever cmes im goin to be happy. cos these days of youth wont come again.. just try to enjoy life sweety n be brave. u can do it..

Keshi said...

Acid ur bak? aww Im glad. Look what ur absence did to me :)


-----------------------------------

Justin d u know even know how much it means to hv u here mate? HUGGGGGGGGGGZ n ty!

Autumn put it across to me beautifully, just like u..she and u opened my eyes, along with the many friends here. yess New roads r scary but atleast I hv the new roads to take...so it maybe the end of this old road, but u guys opened my eyes to a new road. TY so much!



**Rather than simply giving up, I chose a new direction, though, and my blog became an expression of my new journey, and thus became called "a new beginning

LOVELY! Ur blog is a world of inspiration to many...u r so full of spirit and LIFE!


Abt REAL...yes I agree...net friends r REAL too. I hate it when ppl say that it's only virtual! Cos its not. behind out IDs, we r humans breathing, living life etc. I love wut u wrote Justin!

And ty so much for being here for me! ***HUGS***

-----------------------------------

Fleiger ty so much! I agree.




Keshi.

Keshi said...

Annie :) tnxx! I hv written more depressing posts back in the days hehe.


**Just start leadin a blank life given away to time and i am sure one day God will see us to bless us with eternal happiness.

I agree...thats what i do these anyways.

tnxx alot hun!

-----------------------------------

Jenny looking into ur eyes, I can cheer up any day. HUGGGGGGGGZ n ty!



-----------------------------------

Kaylz chillax...dun go anywhere...cos Im not going...how can I leave my oxygen? :)


-----------------------------------

Peter ty so much!

I love the Roberta Flack version better..I agree. But I can easily take the lyrics personally...cos it stands for alot in my life...

:)


-----------------------------------

Jim Im glad ur saying Sorry to Justin...




Keshi.

Keshi said...

Kaylz I will be in ur blog soon.


-----------------------------------

Jim Im sorry to hear u hv been thru alot...I hope Im of some help to ya on ur bad days?


-----------------------------------

Jitterbug Im ok now :) tnxxx!




Keshi.

Keshi said...

Phos heyy!

**I am quad polar

seriously? or ur joking? :)

aww I'd miss u too...thats why its so hard to leave hehehe...I think I need blog rehab.


-----------------------------------

ty Lee MWAHHHHHHHH!


**-but I will say to you to tap into your own strength because we are all stronger than we know

I agree...tnxx for reminding me abt that.




Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww Jay I hv tears in my eyes now..tnxx n HUGGGGGGGGGGGZ!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

MWAHHHHHH LaVida ty!

U R LOVED BY KESHI!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Diya HUGGGGGGGGGZ!

**there hasn't been a single yr when ther hasnt been a sad event.

Im sorry to hear that sweetie...its really difficult when that happens..


**but now i feel watever cmes im goin to be happy. cos these days of youth wont come again.

very smart thinking...ty Diya!



Keshi.

Beach Bum said...

People in my life ridiculed my emotions and never believed in me. They laughed at what I was going through and thought it was all an illusion when it really wasn't.

While we all may be far away everyone here believes in you Keshi along with the fact that you are a vital important human being. No matter what others you refer to may say you are a credible, worthy person has every right to "be here". Tell those people who are bringing you down to kiss your ass.

I've become a boring person
Let me assure you young lady this Carolina country boy has read your blog for a few months now and in no way are you a boring person. Your pictures and prose have opened up your far away slice of this planet for me and I look forward to see and reading more. I hope this passes soon for you will say a prayer for you tonight.

AVIANA said...

hey i'm online now....u just posted on my site..its 11:21pm NYC time now

Jim said...

I have a confession to make Andrew Lockhart

its easy to lecture to another
once u have pulled through

but like u
i too tried to find consolation in JOB's book

read the book over and over gain
Like JOB i had lost all
my money
my self respect
even my mental stability

in a business start up that failed miserably

I thank JESUS for pulling me through

I have recovered now
and regained my self confidence

I now am venturing into a new business venture in CA

and I may loose all again
but my dad told me

IF .. Rudyard Kipling
its about gambling
loosing it all


and trying again
i have to prove my mettle
to my dad who is watching from above

Jim said...

FUCK
now a beach bum has gott the hottz for our Keshi

Nadine said...

Keshi -

I pray you not give up on life yet. From reading your blog, I can't help but notice that you are so full of life and hope. I pray that you don't lose that now.

If you ever want to really talk, let me know. I have come to care about you and it would make a big difference to everyone who reads your blog if you were no longer around.

homo escapeons said...

Have you ever heard of the band Talk Talk? They did the original It's My Life that Gwen and No Doubt redid. It goes something like this...

"Baby, life's what you make it
can't escape it
Baby, yesterday's favorite
don't you hate it
Life's what you make it

Baby, life's what you make it
don't backdate it
Baby, don't try to shave it
beauty is naked
Life's what you make it

Baby, life's what you make it
Celebrate it
Anticipate it
Yesterday's faded
Nothing can change it

Life's what you make it"

and I thought of Nik Kershaw's Wouldn't It Be Good....one of my Happy Songs despite the maudlin lyrics it is an upper. Do you know it? It is classic 80s.

"I got it bad, you don't know how bad I got it
You got it easy, you don't know when you've got it good
It's getting harder just keeping life and soul together
I'm sick of fighting even though I know I should
The cold is biting through each and every nerve and fibre
My broken spirit is frozen to the core
I don't wanna be here no more

Wouldn't it be good to be in your shoes
Even if it was for just one day
And wouldn't it be good if we could wish ourselves away
Wouldn't it be good to be on your side
The grass is always greener over there
And wouldn't it be good if we could live without a care"

and of course you must listen to Seasons of Love from the musical Rent..

"525,600 minutes,
525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure,
measure a year?

In daylights,
in sunsets,
in midnights,
in cups of coffee.
In inches,
in miles,
in laughter,
in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you
measure a year in the life?

How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love. Seasons of
love.

525,600 minutes!
525,600 journeys to plan.
525,600 minutes -
how can you measure
the life of a woman or man?

In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned, or
the way that she died.

It’s time now to sing out,
though the story never ends let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends.
Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Remember
the love!
Measure in love.
Seasons of love!
Seasons of love."

Tell me how you're doing after you check those out?

Autumn Storm said...

Kesh, thank you and (read my comment at mine, to put it simply ditto. :-D
So good to hear you sounding so positive and cheerful. Many times, the simplest answer is the right answer, often times the simplest answer is the hardest one to see. The wood for the trees and all of that, happens to all of us, which is why it can often make all the difference to let someone listen to the mulling, someone who is not in the thick of it. Best of luck on this new road, you will succeed, it's a given, just stay true to yourself, persist, and you will have all the wind in your back that you need to travel well.

Wanted to pick up on a point that Justin mention, think I did too, briefly, and that is just because someone is not stood in front of you does not make them any less real. Like I definitely said, choose whom to give space to and how much to give to them. If it doesn't work for you, manage it. Turn some voices up, turn some down, and do it as you know you should, i.e. it doesn't mean drowning out everything that criticizes, some of it may be constructive, none of us are perfect, but you will know when you should listen and when you shouldn't. Does it help you be the best you can be so to speak or does it just tear you down? That I guess is what should be your measuring stick as to what you take on board and what you do not. Easier said than done, but definitely doable.

Best of luck on this new journey that you are about to undertake. I'll be cheering from the stands along with hundreds of others. :-)

Hugs to you!

Keshi said...

aww Beach_bum that was a heartfelt comment. ty so much n HUGGGGGGGGZ!

most of all, tnxx for listening to my story and trusting me.

***HUGS***

-----------------------------------

Jim Im glad u pulled thru...

well done!


-----------------------------------

Nadine u'll never know how much ur words mean to me.. TY n HUGGGGGGGGGGGGZ!

I KNOW U CARE...

love ya!

-----------------------------------

HE u made me cry...happy tears...cos that shows how much U CARE. HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGZ n ty!

I love all the lyrics...beautiful and so meaningful! I feel blessed to have ppl like u ard me.

I truly am blessed!!


-----------------------------------

Autumn tnxx hun!


**Many times, the simplest answer is the right answer, often times the simplest answer is the hardest one to see

so true!



**That I guess is what should be your measuring stick as to what you take on board and what you do not.

definitely! And I agree...ppl r REAL, net or not.


Love ya n HUGGGGGGGGGZ again! THANKS a ton!



Keshi.

tulipspeaks said...

all of us started to blog for almost the similar reason - to find solace from strangers. and we did, although i must admit there are assholes in the blogsphere as well.

we r very complicated creatures, keshi. sometimes, we feel sad and restless in real, but type out happy and exciting post. it feels so good to be happy, at least virtually isn't it? but sometimes, the reality sets in and we show our true emotions here. and instantly we sound 'different' and 'down' to everyone. being caring souls they are, they will start coming up with soothing comments for us. again, we will feel better. that's always been the cycle isn't it?

sharing and caring are the true human nature, though some idiots defy it and cause miseries to others. but deep in our heart, we know.. its all about us. we r alone keshi. we r born alone and will leave the world alone too. does it make the journey hopeless? no - u will find the light soon.

hugsss!!



ammu.

Sweetstickychewy said...

Keshi..

*Huggiz*

Hello Keshi,

Hmmm..Not an easy road you are treading along sweetie but surely not the end of the road cause you are worth more than it claims to be.

*Huggiz*

chocolteluva said...

well keshi, im not here to say "i feel ure pain" or "i understand what ure going thru" .. cause the fact is that I DONT. i cant possibly understand that -- its ure feelings and well ure most entitled to them..
i can however tell you that ive felt that SEVERAL TIMES.. where something is just impossible to get over.. and everyone around u just makes it even harder to get thru.
i remember crying when i woke up, got to my car, in the bathroom at school.. i remember crying when i got home... watching tv and before i slept..
u know, life sucks -- and if TELLING OFF GOD too blow off ure steam is what u need, then do it. what -- there's no way god is perfect - if god was perfect, well we wouldn't have wars, terrorism, racism and etc...
god also forgives =). so its ok to tell him/her off...
its also ok to CRY.. most times i find that the only way to let all that 'energy" build up inside me out is by YELLING OR CRYING.
i always yell or I CRY. ohh ive yelled in my car with my radio blasting soo loud that no one could hear me.. but ive yelled. ive also cried that way. going on LONNGGGG DRIVES also helps me just clear my mind by feeling the lovely air and listening to music.
i promise u it feels good..

as for the one reason u have to live for.. LOL TO MEET URE TWIN FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD. (meeeee). heheheeheheh not very motivating lol i know...
u have to live to shop, live to be pretty, live to break thousands of hearts and make all the studs stare and drool.. u have to live to party and wat not...

=) i know times right now suck, but hopefully things will be better soon. from reading ure blog all this time, i've thought of you as one of the "strong" women i know. so i know u'll get thru this and come out with ure head high.

g'luck with everything... and if u need someone to YELL AT or CRY to.. im here =).. i'll listen!

Cazzie!!! said...

Keshi... your thoughts and feelings are valid. Listen to your heart..what does it tell you? Time to move away from those who drag you down..those who mind what you think and feel don't matter..it is the people who care about what you think and feel that do...:)

Ghost Particle said...

babe! you're back! wohoooo! i thought u really wanted to go away...hmmphh..

GROUP HUG!

Sam said...

hey keshi!!!!
u strong girl... wassup?? tell u wot.. talking to the wall really helps.. i was literallu into it during my teens... and frankly, why do u wanna tell god off?? had it not been for the togh parts of ur life, u prolly wudn't have been the wonderful person u r today!! cheer up.. u do luk at teh brighter side of life, den why not today??
and well... as long as i can type, gotta termianl, and net.. i'll be arnd in case u need me.. the other modes of communication yet to be opened.. so sticking to this much for teh time being!!
cheerio.... smile please!!
sam!! :)

Keshi said...

Ammu that was some great advice for me. ty n HUGGGGGGGGZ!

**it feels so good to be happy, at least virtually isn't it? but sometimes, the reality sets in and we show our true emotions here. and instantly we sound 'different' and 'down' to everyone.

I so agree!


Its a cycle..in my case it all happens within 24 hrs LOL!

Anyways I feel great to hv ppl like u ard me...ppl who truly CARE. LOVE YA AMMU!

-----------------------------------

Amy Im ok now hun...tnxx to all of u. HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGZ!


:)


-----------------------------------

aww Choco it shows how much u truly care abt me...not that I never knew that b4. :) ty n HUGGGGGGGGGZ!

u cry in the car too? hehe me too. sometimes in the shower..and sometimes as I do my walks...and sometimes even in front of everyone LOL! yeah Im a big fat cry baby.


anyways its good to let it out...Im a girl who screams n yells n expresses, no matter what. Just like u. I cant keep anything inside of me...I MUST TELL or else I'd die :) I mean I can keep secrets but when it comes to telling u how I feel, I'm number one. hehehe.

glad to know ur like me too. Hell we hv to live to shop n party...o alrite LOL! and ofcourse to MEET YA! What a day it wil be!


**there's no way god is perfect - if god was perfect, well we wouldn't have wars, terrorism, racism

I so agree. mebbe He needs some Ice Cream to re-design Life?


HUGGGGGGGGGGGGZ n ty!



Keshi.
Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww tnxx Caz HUGGGGGGGGZ!

Sorry to get u all sad...I hate posts like this but I had to do it to get it off my chest.


**those who mind what you think and feel don't matter..it is the people who care about what you think and feel that do

Spot on. ty so much hun!

-----------------------------------

Ghosty I really wanted to end this blog n all...I was so tired of everything...then when I saw all ur comments, i was like WTF am I thinking..so many ppl love me and want me to be here...


tnxx n HUGGGGGGGGGGGZ!



Keshi.

Keshi said...

Sam ty so much! Ur so sweet.

Im ok now..so dun worry. Im sorry to upset u all this way...


**and frankly, why do u wanna tell god off?? had it not been for the togh parts of ur life, u prolly wudn't have been the wonderful person u r today

well I know...but sometimes I dunno how much I can cope with...


anyways having u as a friend, I feel God hasn't done injustice to me at all :) ty n HUGGGGGGGGGZ!



Keshi.

Jeevan said...

You have beautiful heart dear, which makes our heart so beautiful. We don’t want u to be worrying and hating the life, I know simple this words won’t sweep it… but want to show we are here. If I too feel alone and depressed by anything to put down face, it’s only because of you friends I look up to walk my life. I wish you always be our keshi. Hugssss… with love.

lemonade said...

kesh..it kills me that you feel this way!

i mean seriously..look at the number of people that love you here..hundred of people coming here every single day jus to hear what you have to say..

don't be sad sweeti..its probably just a phase ur going thru..

Art said...

sometimes being in the virtual world helps people listen to others without being judgemental.. Since we are reading it, we have more time to think and hence may be undetstand the person better.. May be when we are talking its too fast for our mind to comprehend and thus become judgemental without even understanding the whole conversation

Jac said...

This is to let you know...how strong you are !
jac

Keshi said...

aww Jeeavn u made me cry with that heartfelt comment...ty n HUGGGGGGGGGZ! Dun worry...I'll be ard for ya, just like u hv been ard for me.


-----------------------------------


Lemonade tnxx hun!

yes...I must count my blessings right? :) tnxx for remidning me of it. u r so sweet. HUGGGGGGGGZ!


-----------------------------------

Art ty!

** May be when we are talking its too fast for our mind to comprehend and thus become judgemental without even understanding the whole conversation

definitely!


-----------------------------------

Jac I LOVE YA!




Keshi.

AakASH!!! said...

So much has been bothering you and you never told me anything, is that what you think being a friend is?

Now i feel bad, that i wasnt there, and even worse since you never called out. Maybe we dont know each other for so long, but does that have to come in between?

But dont worry about me, try and brace yourself Keshi, you know how much we all here love you. Isnt that a sign enough, that you are SO wanted.

HUGS to you. And sorry for being so late.

Keshi said...

Aakash its ok...Im alright now! :) HUGGGGGGGGZ n tnxx!

btw I left a comment in ur blog regarding this. pls read.

THANKS!
Keshi.