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That was a foolish thing to do Dan! That's what I uttered when I got the news about my close friend's shocking Suicide few years back. Initially I was shocked beyond belief that such a smart and much loved guy would do such a foolish thing. I was extremely angry at him and was so very upset that he chose death instead of life, a life that had so much going for him. Whatever reasons I heard that he had for choosing death sounded like foolish excuses to me back then, and I felt he really could have done better than that. Apparently he was suffering from severe depression, and I had no clue he was going through it 'cos he was not in Aus at the time. He had just moved to NZ to be with his parents. But he did ring me from there few weeks before his death, and to me he sounded cheerful and normal. Nothing seemed out of place.

It took me alot of time to come to terms with his sudden death (it has affected me for life in many ways) but one good thing that came out of it was that I learnt hard facts about 'Depression'. I was thinking back then that depression was just a state of mind that anyone could easily overcome if they took time. I had many questions such as 'what's this depression everyone was talking about?', 'how could few depressed thoughts lead to such a violent act upon self?', 'Isn't there medicine for this that you could buy from a chemist?', 'why couldnt' he use his common sense?', 'where did all the hard work and studies go?', 'how can strong, smart and happy people get affected by something so small?'....yes all sorts of questions popped in my head and that's when I set out on this journey...my journey to find out what 'Depression' really was. And Dan was the reason behind that journey. And how wrong I was about Depression and the people who were affected by it.

I researched alot on it 'cos I wanted to understand the reason behind Dan's lethal decision. We may not agree with each other but I needed to know what lead such a smart guy to take such a drastic step. My research through the net, books, suicide-victims' stories etc helped me to understand his battle, his final days and his very final decision. I now understand why someone would commit suicide and I will never call it a foolish act again. Cos I have no right to say so. I can never be in that person's shoes so let's not sit and judge.

First of all, depression is not what you and I may think it is...it is not the usual stresses and worries we have that sometimes make us feel as if life is a terrible bitch. It's rather a medical condition and not just something a person can 'think clearly' and get out of. Here's a medical definiton of it : A depressive disorder is an illness that involves the body, mood, and thoughts. It affects the way a person eats and sleeps, the way one feels about oneself, and the way one thinks about things. A depressive disorder is not the same as a passing blue mood. It is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be willed or wished away. People with a depressive illness cannot merely "pull themselves together" and get better. Without treatment, symptoms can last for weeks, months, or years. Appropriate treatment, however, can help most people who suffer from depression. So my initial thoughts about my friend were very wrong and that's because of lack of knowledge. Because Depression involves the brain's Serotonin levels, it's not something the patient can easily take care of by him/herself. It needs immediate attention but one of the major drawbacks is that the patient doesn't show he/she is depressed. They will still function as everything is normal though deep down they are suffering grave mental torture. Hence, family and friends won't be able to notice great many changes in the patient's general disposition. So when severe depression sometimes leads to sudden suicide, most of family and friends are totally shocked and brand the patient as selfish, cowardly, mentaly-ill, foolish etc. They are entitled to feel that way 'cos they lack knowledge of it, just like I once was. But once you get to know what it is, you will realise that not all of us can be in someone else's shoes totally and not all of us are born with the ability to fight back even the smallest form of depression. It's all programmed in your brain and what it needs is a trigger to set it off. A serious loss, difficult relationship, financial problem, or any stressful (unwelcome or even desired) change in life patterns can trigger a depression. It was stated that very often, a combination of genetic, psychological, and environmental factors is involved in the onset of a depressive disorder and how you deal with it. While some get cured with the help of counselling and treatent, some just don't, and go into severe depression that can lead to suicide (sudden or after many attempts over time). The least you could do is judge or even compare someone affected by such a difficult condition that they don't have any control of. If they did, would they choose to die? I don't think it's that they want to die, it's just that they want to end the pain and don't know how else to end it - simply 'cos the huge drop in seretonin levels leads them to suicidal thoughts. It's a medical problem, we can't demand these people to be logical.

Check this info on Depression and enlighten yourselves about the illness, it's symptoms and how to get help etc. Anyone can be suffering from it regardless of age, sex, education, color, status, health etc. If you think someone is suffering from it, see that you do something about it than leaving him/her to deal with it alone. And if you think you are suffering from it, please talk to someone soon and get help. Dan never told anyone about what he was going through. On his last day on Earth, he went out for a walk with his sister. Then he asked her to stay in the park for a short while until he goes to the shops and comes back. Off he went to the railway tracks and jumped in front of an express train. Yeah just like that. Dan was an IT professional here in Aus. He was Uni-educated and came from a very good family. An extremely fun-loving and sensitive guy. I have been to so many parties and functions with him. He never let me be - always teased me with this and that, and one day I even cried cos of his teasing LOL! No one ever thought that few problems with his former employer could lead him to a dark hole and then an untimely death at just 24. If only I had known what he was going through, I'd have been there for him. But he never told me anything at all cos he's the type of guy who wouldn't wanna show that he's battling something quite difficult. He always portrayed a happy and cool self, and in control. But I guess he didn't realise that it's ok to fall sometimes...that it's ok to confide your fears with a dear one...that it may have saved his precious life and alot of tears. I miss Dan's calls. I miss Dan's chatter. I miss Dan. And if Dan came to Earth for just few mins, I could now confidently tell him that I have learnt everything about what he was dealing with, his demons, his fears and his final decision that took him away from all of us. And that Im not angry with him at all and that I understand him...totally.

This post was not intended to portray that suicide is justifiable. This was to educate people about Depression and it's silent toll. See beyond what the naked eye can see and reach out to someone who may be at the jaws of depression and death. If someone you know committed suicide, don't be angry at him/her...just pray for the soul, perhaps a soul set free of immense mental agony that you may never really understand? Be there for them when they might need you, but don't criticise them when they are no more.

LONELY? LOST? ANGRY? SAD? REJECTED? SCARED? Talk to someone, help someone...save yourself, save someone else...be alive, be a life-saver.

Current Music: Confide In Me by Kylie Minogue