Tuesday, July 1

When You Marry Yourself

WARNING: Long post on a true story ahead. Hence if you're having a headache or are on drugs, please avoid reading this post. If you do decide to read on, don't drive a car afterwards!


This is a true story about a friend of mine. I wrote this post a long time ago but never got around posting it...so finally here it is. I'm not writing this to mock my friends or his recent misfortune, or to mock marriage (I'm not for or against marriage). Neither do I see this as juicy blog fodder. I just want to understand the situation better, share it with all of you and I want to learn from his experience. I believe we learn from the people we associate and their experiences, so here it goes. Let's call my friend B.

B is a fairly nice, friendly, educated, Indian guy living in Aus working as an IT Consultant. I met him through my mum, cos his mum and my mum are good friends. B has been living in Aus for about 6yrs now and I have known him for about 4 years, and he has now become a good family friend. He's been visiting us, celebrating b'days with us, going on trips together etc etc. All along, though I like him as a friend, I sensed that he's a massive, blockbuster, control-freak! Now why I said that is cos he always wants to be right...even when we discussed about an India/Aus cricket match or something as simple as which suburb would be a great one to buy a house from, he always wanted to be RIGHT. He hardly respected another's opinion - instead he took it all personally and kept on throwing hissy fits *Kindy boy alert!*. Anyways, each time it happened, I used to just laugh it off *don't wanna sweat the small stuff*. But I always thought that the guy desperately needed some flexibility in his thinking. It was almost as if he was the only person on Earth! Whatever he was like, I still thought he was an OK friend and cos our families knew each other too, I somehow stopped myself from putting him in a spaceship and skyrocketing him to Jupiter for good! You know, we have all kinds of people as friends, and we just have to get along with each other, as long as they don't start skating on our faces.


Now I remember telling my mum that he's too headstrong, and each time I said that my mum told me that I should leave him alone. Yeah that's my mum, always taking his side. Well 2yrs ago, B suddenly went to India on a holiday to find a bride for himself *a note to my non-Indian friends: that's how some Indian men get married - woooooosh here's a bride, whaaaaaaaam he's married!*. Apparently his mum had already 'looked' on his behalf and was waiting with pics of 3 girls *out of the initial 200+ pics phewww!*, selected by her as the top 3 'potential' wives for her beloved, most eligible son on Earth, bleh! Within just 2 weeks he was engaged to be married to a young girl who had just completed an IT degree at an Indian uni *yes you heard that right, they only knew each other for just 2 weeks, I repeat!*. B let us all know about his instant status-change from India itself, and I was quite stunned at the short period that it all took place in. How can you be so brave to get engaged to someone you met only 14 days ago? And I'm saying that on behalf of the girl too...she didn't know B at all, except that he was well-educated and had a great job in Aus. For all I know, he could've been Ted Bundy's brother and she could have been Lorena Bobbit's reincarnation! Well jokes apart, I really couldn't understand HOW it all happens so quickly in most Indian marriages but it happened with B too. So with a deep shock to my psychological immune system, I finally accepted that this was really happening and that B was about to get married. So I was excited for him as well.


Then he flew back to Sydney, and flew back to India again within 2 months or so, and they got married in India in March 2005. A massive wedding that probably went on for about 6 days, a guest list of 3000+ *B comes from a rich family and his dad was a well-known buisnessman in their city* and a wedding DVD of 6 disks or so which we all watched when he returned to Sydney *that explains my dizzyness in 2005!*. His wife K was still in India as he was preparing her Aus visa for her to arrive here. Few months later, K arrived and we all got to know her quite well. She is a great girl with a good sense of humor and a lively outlook to life. And since she was highly educated, she was not the kind of girl who'd just sit at home worshipping her husband 24/7 chanting 'om om ommy husband'. But I realised her life changed quite fast. She stopped wearing skirts/jeans (always wore shalwar), stopped eating meat (she was a non-veg before), cooked day and night for B (asked for cooking tips from her mum online on a daily basis), did the grocery shopping by herself (I caught her carrying heavy loads of bags by herself one day) etc etc. Somehow I knew K wasn't getting what she deserved from this marriage - and that is LOVE and ACCEPTANCE for who she was. K has now turned into a husband-worshipping machine-like wife that some Indian men desired and pushed their women to become. I even told my mum that K is weird...or has turned weird. Cos every time when we visited them, K comes and admires my skirt or my top, and tells me that she'd love to dress like that. And when I asked her why she won't do it, she used to tell me 'B don't like it'. How unfair! I mean B wore everything he wanted, ate what he wanted (being a vegetarian was his choice, not K's), got his food on the table at the right time etc etc, but K couldn't live the way she wanted to...not even in the clothes department?? *I wonder how the Bed department was then!* Though she didn't complain about it, I could tell something was very wrong here. But they both appeared to be happy and so in love, although that love looked so artificial to one person and that was me. K never showed us that they were having any kind of problems at all. Either she hid it very well or made it seem like it was just another new phase in her life that she needed time to get used to. So it was a picture-perfect marriage and their new life was unravelling beautifully before them. So it seemed.


2 years later, February 2007: K suddenly leaves to India without even informing any of us! That was when they had just moved into their newly built home and B's mum was also in Sydney enjoying her son's new house *The 'dreaded' MIL alert!*. We were quite baffled about K leaving just like that...but all B and his mum said to us was that K went on a small holiday and will be back later on. I wasn't so sure about that answer so I rang up her office and they told me she had resigned! And that so-called holiday started to become like a lifetime holiday cos Nov 2007, we still didn't have K back in Sydney and not even an email from her! We were worried and were missing K alot, cos K and we were very good friends. My mum and I tried to find her phone number in India and even that was not possible. I kept asking B what was going on, and he always ignored my questions about K *at this stage I was beginning to think that K was being murdered!*. I asked B for her number in India and he didn't give it to me. Then we realised that it must be some kind of fall-out and we stopped asking questions. I made up my mind that I'd probably never hear from K again. I was feeling very sad cos I don't like leaving a friendship in the lurch and moving on without knowing what really happened to them.


Just 3 months ago B left to India all of a sudden. Came back few weeks ago. On that same day I had an email in my Inbox from someone that I never expected to hear from again..it was from K! I was so happy to hear from her, I was in tears! But when I read the content I was in shock too. It read that she and B had gotten a divorce 2 weeks prior to that email! Apparently K didn't want to contact us all this time cos she badly wanted to get the divorce, so she didn't wanna cause any problems for herself by spreading the news before it happened. She told me everything that had happened from the day she got married to B. I wasn't surprised about some of the things she stated about B. B and his mum have even forced K's family to buy furniture for their new home and to bring jewellery etc! It was truly sickening to hear that. Cmon this is the 21st century, B is supposedly a modern dude, he lived and worked in Aus, he's not a farmer boy with cows, so we really can't be talking about dowry can we now??? And K isn't some Cow to be controlled and milked! Anyways finally K and I are in touch again and K sounded very happy - that's all that matters. I then asked B what happened...he told me that they got a divorce and not to ask anymore questions. I do feel sorry for both K and B...I feel bad that their marriage didn't work out. But what/who is to be blamed, you tell me.


I have never been married but I can quite clearly say that any relationship is not a business plan, neither is it an animal-farm that you get to control. When you're in a relationship, there are 2 humans involved...and 2 sets of opinions to consider...2 sets of everything that need to be carefully analysed and shared. When you get married, you become 2 halves. You're no longer that one individual...that means you've got to think about the other person's feelings too. Marriage is not a monopoly...it's a bond between 2 souls. And if you can't live upto that, please don't get married. Being selfish and trying to change the other person to your liking would be like marrying yourself. It's so very easy to see another person's faults and try to change them, but it's so difficult to change our own selves. And that's when Life doesn't give you what you want...cos you refuse to give it what it wants
. Marriage is both give and take...not just take only. Now share your wisdom with me please.


This is one of my fav Hindi wedding songs...enjoy!

Current Music: Tum Agar Saamne from the Hindi movie Raaz

421 Cranium Signets:

Deepti said...

Loved the post and being in India and of so called " marriageable" age I cAan relate to most of the stuff too. I still cant imagine getting married to someone I dont know and that goes beyond my relative's thinking :)
I can write a whole book on this ... :)

Ankur said...

Well, all men arent same!!!
but i strongly support u Kesh, there are men, i know them, tried to talk to them abt it, and what they say is... BULLSHIT!!!!

so i say sorry to K, to u, and to most girls who are disappointed!!!
I have never understood that y education is given to those girls... y have they been taught if they cant utilize it!!!

I know this friend of mine, he fell in love with a colleague, she did MBA, got a nice job and the feedback is, she cant work after marriage coz he earns moolah now in his own business!!!
Shuccksssss... i said that y??
he said, no lady has worked in my family as of now!!!!
it all sucks keshi!!!
bigtime!!!!

thats the usual indian affair, u ask neone, n thats the reason i blame girls more, coz before being single, they say a lot abt all this, but when they fall in love... they think that its the best thing!!!
they dont see to their career and they say that its for their good!!!

i dislike them there!!!

Keshi, such is the system, we have educated ppl but the mind is far from liberated...

i always say that in india, ppl are just getting modern the way they dress, but the way they think... its still the same ol way!!!


Will come back with more keshigirl on this... coz this is where i boil up!!!!

and btw... i promise, this wont happen in my case, coz i know, that she is a human being too, i cant make her sit at home doing nothing or cant ask her to sacrifice, coz i believe in reciprocation completely!!!!

btw... that is one of my most favorate songs!!!!
its amazing the lyrics!! :)

Take Care,
u know one k, i know many!!! :)

Cheers!!

Ankur said...

yeah one more thing, dont blame it just on they dont know, or they dont fall in love, coz i tell u, even when they fall in love... this happens all the time!!!

i have seen more incidents in the case of love marriages keshi... coz as they say love is blind and u have to make a lot of sacrifices in it!!
but just Poor girl has to practice this!!!

Cheers!!!

The Phosgene Kid said...

Sad story, nice song, am taking drugs for the headache...

Silvara said...

Sadly Keshi that's the mentality of most boys from india who come to live here - no matter how long they have been in the country. They are free to fuck around and do what they want but the girl from the motherland has to a pure virgin (in both mind and body) and cater to the husband's every whim.

But, yet I can also see how for her side of the family how it would have been - a nice 'settled' boy in Australia. What may look good on paprer can turn out to your worst nightmare. Seriously - it happens all the time - my cousins tells me stories of her friends and I'm so shocked.

I say good for her - she got out of a bad marriage to someone who didn't appreciate her for her. She lost her own identity through this so-called marriage and hopefully now she will be able to be happy...

Marriage is given such a status in Indi like a woman's life is incomplete until they are bound to someone. I say Fuck that. Sorry Kesh...these kind of idiots (and I know he is your friend but that doesn't excuse his behaviour) really don't deserve anything.

carolinagal said...

Hi Keshi
Lovely post!

My question is, in this day and age, why does any young, educated, and accomplished woman agree to an 'arranged' marriage???
Now, I know a lot of the readers here think that their parents know best, they don't want to disappoint them and what not..but seriously, I think the girl needs to share some blame here as well.

At the same time, I must commend her as well!! Once she realized that the marriage is not working, she made the decision to get divorced, rather than putting up with all the crap. I am happy to know that she realized that being divorced is much better than being unhappily married!!

I think her story should serve as a great example to a lot of women, who still have difficulty accepting the fact that choosing whom to marry is their birth-right and also to those women who might have reservations about divorce.

Srijith Unni said...

You`re right keshi.. Such incidents really casts doubts for us upon the institution of marriage. Somehow the Indian marriage scene as you said is really bad, with dowry and too formalized such that the sharing of two souls, two halves concept, takes a big beating because the union itself is so artificial. It would help if both people are understanding, broad minded and independent, but sadly it isn`t so, for every K there is a B.

Can't help but second silvara`s opinion.

Ankur said...

@Carolinagal

Completely disagree with you, it has nothing to do with arrange marriage, dont blame it just on the system and accept ur fault... its not so easy to revolt against the system, but u shld be strong enugh to do wat u wanna do!!!

and do u think this doesnt happens in love marriages, come back to india and do a reality check, its easy to say it sitting there...

West is west and we still have the indian culture which is far better and above SEx!!!

Cheers!!!!

Ankur said...

@Keshi

i dont know but somehow i feel this post will be used more for cribbing against arrange marriage, which is not the truth sadly!!!

In arrange marriage, looking at the high number, the number is significant where the choice of the partner is kept in mind!!!

I am not sayin that arrange marriages are the best but no one can just blame it coz they are free to do what they wanna coz they are outside India!!!!

Its easy to say when u have it all!!!

carolinagal said...

@Ankur
This may not have anything do with the fact that it was an arranged marriage. But don't you think, that in this particular situation, things may have been different if this wasn't an arranged marriage??
Of course problems arise in any relationship. May it be an arranged marriage, or love marriage or whatever...it might be a couple who has been happily married for 30 years, until someone falls out of love, or some decides to cheat.

I was simply referring to this particular situation. And in this situation, I strongly believe that the inherent problem was the
'arranged' marriage. Issues such as 'dowry', and possessiveness, and 'not letting one's wife wear Western outfits, usually appear LONG before marriage, when the couple has gotten to know each other better.

**..come back to india and do a reality check, its easy to say it sitting there...

West is west and we still have the indian culture which is far better and above SEx!!! **

There is absolutely no reason to be rude here!!! I have lived in India for several years, so don't think for a second that I do not know what reality is. I completely understand what it is and how hard it can be for women even in this day and age, to revolt against the system. If you read the second part of my first comment to Keshi, you will understand what I was trying to say.

Jay said...

That wasn't really that long. You've written longer. ;-)

I'm not a big fan of marriage, but I certainly would never be party to any kind of arranged marriage. I understand different cultures have different customs and traditions and I respect that. The arranged marriage thing is just way to far outside of anything I've experienced or seen up close to really understand.

Well, other than the shotgun weddings that happen around here all the time. Boy gets girl pregnant and they are forced to get married so the girl won't embarrass her parents by having a kid out of wedlock. Those don't work out that often either.

SMM said...

Hey Keshi....it is very difficult for someone who is not used to the idea of an 'arranged marriage' to understand how two people just meet and get married. But my parents did that, so did most of my uncles and aunts, and of course my grandparents. My grandmother saw my grandfather for the first time only at the time of the actual ceremony. My grandparents thought they were being forward by letting my parents talk on the phone when they were engaged.

But I do know that in all these cases, the family and the boy/ girl were thoroughly researched maybe even more than someone preparing for his Ph.D would do). The entire background, financial status, nature of boy/ girl everything was found out. Earlier there would be family friends and pandits (priests) doing that.Now people even employ detectives for the same purpose.

Yes in some cases, the coming together of two very different people is very unfortunate since opposites don't always attract. But for most of us it is a way of life.

And the incidence of divorce in India is much lower than it is in the West, where the norm of love marriages prevail :)

Similarly I fail to understand how people in the West call their parents/ grandparents/ uncles/ aunts by name :)

But hats off to your friend K for walking out of a loveless marriage. That must have taken alot of deep thought and guts for her to do. Divorce is frowned upon, parents always say try to work things out because we believe in the sanctity of marriage and marriage being forever. But there has to be a give and take form both sides - only then can it succeed. Your friend B sounds like a total MCP who wouldn't even help himself to a glass of water. he sounds like someone from a generation back. Thankfully men these days have changed.

Solitaire said...

Keshi, this is a very thought provoking post, especially for those who have not lived in India and not well-versed with the system of arranged marriages.

I was not at all surprised at the turn of events in the bride's life. I have seen many of my friends and relatives getting married the arranged way and suffering just like K did. Some were raised to believe that marriage is the only aim in their life and that once married, they would have to compromise, adjust, and do whatever it takes to make it work, even if it meant losing one's individuality and being unhappy about it. Some people are ok with it and some are not.

I really admire K for going against the system and being brave enough to go ahead and walk out of an unhappy marriage even if that meant that many will look down upon her in India and she will always carry the label of being a "divorcee", a big stigma in the Indian society. People say that things are changing now but I still feel that it is all at a snail's pace.

Prats said...

Marraige is all that you've said and more. Its basic trust and pure give and take.....if it becmoes just give, form one person, it starts becoming a burden.

And relationship cannot bear the onslaught of harassment of any kind- emotional or physical. In fact i'm really happy that K came out of that marraige. Because, when you're not happy and whatever efforts you make doesn't help, there is no point in continuing the drama.

In spite of so many cases where the boy or the girl are not familiar with each other, and then ending up with bad marraiges, the mindset still has not changed...its like in slow motion...

carolinagal said...

And to add to my last comment, when I lived in India several years ago, I was in a 'love' relationship with someone...I was even engaged to be married to that guy,,only to discover later that that person was cheating on me with one of my good friends. And, I eventually broke up with the jerk.

And in that situation, again, the inherent problem was not 'love' or 'arranged' or whatever,,,it was infidelity.

So my point after this long saga is that, all situations are different...my opinion in the first comment was purely related to the story mentioned in the post.

utopia said...

ahhh well think all of us have the freedom of choice and sometimes in our country probably we have to give in to the pressure from our parents. i don't know what thats like but i do know people who have done the same and like Jay said not that all run of the mill so called love marriages work out as well.
but yeah these women are stoopidddddddd to be forced into marrying men they have met only for 2 weeks or if they chose to believe that 2 weeks was enough to know someone. and these men acting liking chauvinistic pigs well they were brought up like that by their mothers. cannot blame them. it is the upbringing.

Ankur said...

@Carolinagal

the 2nd comment wasnt for u in particular!!!

and yes... sorry i sounded rude there!!!

i dont have any issues with you at all!!! Dont think so at all, i respect for what you have achieved!!! :)
but at the same time, i really disliked coz i know many girls personally, who were different when before they fell in love and then for them, love was everything!!
and everytime its blamed on arrange marriages!!! So seriously, i just felt boiled up and m really sorry that i cudnt control!!!

SORRY!!!
and dont think any of this is personal, coz i hate to do it tat way!!! :)

In this case, yes its abt arrange marriage but y didnt she tried to tell B that he is wrong!!!

i agree to the last part of ur second part of comment that yes divorce shld be taken seriously, but at the same time, just by saying that ones birth right is to choose whom to marry is what they also get in arrange marriage!!!

In arrange marriages too all this happens!!! Dont ya think so, no parents want their child to go wrong, and thats the reason they go for arrange!!!

In all this i may sound too much in favor of arrange which is not the truth, but i accept the fact that it cant be love marriage everytime...

Sorry again!!!

Ankur said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ankur said...

@Carolinagal

and as u said, the problem is infidelity and understanding, it has nothing to do with kinda marriage which takes place!!!

absolutely true and thats wat my point was!!!

:)
Cheers!!!

P.S. Sorry keshi, there was a typo in the last comment! :)

Solitaire said...

@ Utopia,

Why are the women stupid when they agree to an arranged marriage but the men not to be blamed when they act like jerks?

I think they both are victims to their upbringing combined with the pressures and traditions of the Indian society.

Solitaire said...

@ Ankur,

I think a lot of harm would have been spared from being caused if the couple and their families had known each other for a longer period in this case.

Don't you think so?

carolinagal said...

@Ankur
No worries mate! (Aussie style :P )
I appreciate your apology.


**just by saying that ones birth right is to choose whom to marry is what they also get in arrange marriage!!!**

This is an oxymoron to me.


**no parents want their chil88d to go wrong, and thats the reason they go for arrange!!!**

Well, of course no parent is going to wish a troubled relationship upon their child. But, I just wish that parents would trust their kids to make the right choices for themselves. And if it ends up being a wrong choice, then at least it is the kid's mistake, not its parents'.

I think we both are thinking the same thing here,,,just have a different way of expressing it.

Anyways, its past midnight here, so nighty night :)

AmitL said...

Hi,Keshi-just a short note-I'm back in Dubai...I see so many posts I've missed...so,pleasant reading for me this evening.Await a truckload of comments.hehe.:)Cheerio.

Keshi said...

ty Deepti!

**so called " marriageable" age

and that is? I really want to know cos I may hv passed that. LOL!


Yes, its best to get to know the person well before committing to anything.


Keshi.

deepsat said...

nice post keshi!!

there are men like those even now. i know of some who are so educated and well off and still behave worse than a villager! they are a disgrace to men all over! and such ppl are nothing but potful of hypocrisy!

Hope 'K' find someone who is worthy of her. Someone who can respect her for who she. I do admire K's strength! many girls compromise such marriages and suffer life long!!!

as for B.. I think Bastard is the right word for him!!

;-))

Keshi said...

ty Ankur!

No, it's not only the guy's fault. I agree. Women has a HUGE responsibility too. And that is not to give in to such treatment.



**i always say that in india, ppl are just getting modern the way they dress, but the way they think... its still the same ol way!!!


I agree totally. The 'mindset' takes a long time to change.



I really do know many Ks and many Bs too. :)


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Ankur..


**coz as they say love is blind and u have to make a lot of sacrifices in it

buw how far does the Sacrifice need to go? I mean where do we draw the line?


I say when one loses his/her identity totally - after marriage, that is not LOVE that they experience...that is MANIPULATION.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hehe Phoso tnxx!

Keshi.

Solitaire said...

@ Keshi,

In response to your question to Deepti...

In India, marriageable age for a girl starts in the early 20s...; if the girl crosses 28, people start panicking!

Keshi said...

ty Silvara!


**They are free to fuck around and do what they want but the girl from the motherland has to a pure virgin (in both mind and body) and cater to the husband's every whim.


omg this is so true! I see that happening in my own family.



**But, yet I can also see how for her side of the family how it would have been - a nice 'settled' boy in Australia.

That also happened in K's marriage. Her parents came down to Aus on a holiday and messed up the whole thing too. They demanded this n that from B!



**What may look good on paprer can turn out to your worst nightmare.

very true!




**I say good for her - she got out of a bad marriage to someone who didn't appreciate her for her. She lost her own identity through this so-called marriage and hopefully now she will be able to be happy...


Spot on! I admire her too. Cos she had the courage to 'leave' and send him divorce papers.




**these kind of idiots (and I know he is your friend but that doesn't excuse his behaviour) really don't deserve anything.


I agree! He may be our friend, but I dun take sides based on friendship. I m a very FAIR person. And yes I agree with ya!


*HUGZ* that was a brilliant take on this topic, ty!


Keshi.

irshad said...

Hi Keshi,

I am extremely sorry that I couldn't wish for your b'day. In the early Indian societies dowry was necessary because a family's income was solely dependant on the husband. In the present time it is not necessary bcoz both husband and wife work. Besides who wants a wife who just stays at home and does not know anything about the world??? If want to live like that better invent a time meachine and go to the ancient times or would be better if you can go to the dinosour era.

People pay you something when you sell a product or a service. When you ask for a dowry you should know that you are selling yourself. It can be a product or a service. Product can be the physical you and the if it is service you are a male slut/whore.

Regards, Irshad

P.S - Keshi, please think from B's perspective as well. He seems to be a nice guys.

mayz said...

these things still happen??? i thot such practices died wid d last mohican...
but if they do then its vy sad...it refelcts poorly on d whole society n not jus 1 individual

maverick said...

@keshi

well what happened was really sad..but its good that K gotta divorce and moved on...

u wont believe me..its a craze in
india to get your daughter married to some NRI just for the heck of life outside and the moolah attached to it....not every such marriage becomes successful...if u chk the stats for such marriages in US and Canada..u ld go crazy...but its true..it happens...

i hope K is happy.and for me..i dont believe in the concept of dowry...it just sucks..neither would i ve it when i get married :)

Sam said...

The problem issue here is truckloads!!
Regarding the situation here:

1. B is an ass, a jerk n i wish i could go more juicier words.. but then I refrain: education can only get you so far, family values matter shows through his behavior. To reduce a career-woman to a wallpaper is nothing be proud of neither is it manly!! I detest such mentality and such people!! Let it be the woman's free choice what she wants to do???
I mean, would the guy do the same?? NO!! den why the girl??
This fella should be stripped of his degrees and all and sent back to reform school!!

2. K.. I mean, what was she thinking?? was she dumb enough to think that by putting her head down and being teh docile wife she could overcome the situationa dn actually lead a happy married life??? Nobody can!! especially someone who has had a taste of what is it liek to be responsible for one's own sake!! Ultimately she got out... good decision!! it came late.. dats sad!! anywyz.. better late than never!!! She probably some good counselling from somewhere!!

3. Arranged marriage: Allowing your parents to choose your spouse is a mark of respect nowadays for most Indian youngsters. Parents too feel glad they can do it.. (though most still belong to the old school!!). However, to rush into it?? That's not wise!! I have a friend who is going through the groom hunt phase, rather her parents are doing it for her... while she doesn't want to!! The reason she rejects all, coz simply parenst get to choose the guy, she gets to accept/reject him.. and she uses that power well!! To settle down with and individual one needs to know the traits well-enough, and dat requires time... if this is not awarded to the couple, doomsday would never be far away.
So teh parents are to be blamed too!!! they need some serious counselling...

To say arranged marriage caused this problem would be wrong!! I have seen marriages work and fail for both love and arranged!! My parents had an arranged one, my aunt (maasi) had a love one.. and they both have done brilliant in their married life... Aunt is still working.. Mom dumped her career for her family.. she had the freedom to choose that... in fact, dad wanted her to work, something which makes mum respect him, coz according to her back in the eighties, there were very few men like him!!! And yes, the grandparents here were all understanding and accomodating to allow enough time for the pair to interact and know each other before tying the knot!!!

Bottomline is, its the individuals to be blamed for what went wrong - a hasty decision, failure to stand up for self, failure to align the mindset to a mode which doesn't hurt someone, sticking to rituals which can never to any good... the harmful conservatism!!

Do people still think that the system of arranged marriage is to be balmed for the fiasco??

Keshi said...

ty CG I totally agree with u!


Its def the woman's fault too. Who in the right mind wud get married to someone they hardly know, just cos their PARENTS chose him!



** I am happy to know that she realized that being divorced is much better than being unhappily married!!


yes me too. Im glad she didn't just PUT UP with it her whole life.




**I think her story should serve as a great example to a lot of women, who still have difficulty accepting the fact that choosing whom to marry is their birth-right and also to those women who might have reservations about divorce.


Spot on! Cos 'leaving' a marriage is 'taboo' for most Indian women.



ty CG HUGZ!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Srijith!


**with dowry and too formalized such that the sharing of two souls


yeah its so very SHALLOW an Ask for something so DEEP as Marriage!



Keshi.

Sam said...

Oh btw, if you ask abt me... i ain't settling for a housewife!!! i want a career-woman... and i'm dead serious on that!!
the only thing I can never make up my mind should there be a crunch, who would give up the career and make a move to a distant land???
may be I'll allow the career to decide all that!! sheesh.. bloody hell... there's always a catch!!
may be I'll never get married... saves the dilemmas!! :P

Keshi said...

Ankur this isnt abt West VS East...it's abt Marriage.

This happens everywhere btw, in any culture. Dun u think Ankur? :)


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Ankur no even Im not blaming Arranged Marriages. Cos some of em work well for some ppl.


This is abt KNOWING someone well enough to COMMIT to.



**but no one can just blame it coz they are free to do what they wanna coz they are outside India!!!!


no one said that Ankur!



Keshi.

Keshi said...

CG I agree with everything u said here. Ur spot on!



**and 'not letting one's wife wear Western outfits, usually appear LONG before marriage, when the couple has gotten to know each other better.


I agree. These things happen in the EARLY stages of a r'ship when the couple dunno each other!!!



Keshi.

Deepti said...

The so called age should be around 23 ... and its beyond me how people get married within a mtter of a week ... :)

Keshi said...

ty Jay ;-)


**Boy gets girl pregnant and they are forced to get married so the girl won't embarrass her parents by having a kid out of wedlock.


Such marriages happen in out culture all the time! Sadly.

The society needs to realise that having a child out of wedlock isnt such a crying shame anymore. Its better than being locked into a marriage w.o. love!




Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty SMM!

I know that some Arranged Marriages can work beautifully.


**And the incidence of divorce in India is much lower than it is in the West, where the norm of love marriages prevail :)


That maybe because we Indians/Sri Lankans r made to believe that its a shame to walk out of a Marriage even if it's a painful one. But recently I read in the papers that Divorces r on the rise in India. Mebbe cos women r finally comin out of their 'traditional' mindsets and starting to think for themsleves? I mean isnt it better to be divorced than just to put up with a marriage?



**Similarly I fail to understand how people in the West call their parents/ grandparents/ uncles/ aunts by name

why not? :) And not all ppl do that anyways. Also, if it suits them, there's nothong wrong with using someone's name to address them right? whats so shameful abt it SMM?


And I agree..K did the right thing for herself.


Also this isnt abt the West and East. It's abt understanding what Marriage is before Committing to it. In K and B's case, they both seemed to hv walked into Marriage w.o. a clue abt it or abt each other.


Keshi.

aneri_masi said...

Hey keshi, just saw your message. Read your post...will come by tomorrow and comment (after thinking over it..)

Keshi said...

ty Sol!


**especially for those who have not lived in India and not well-versed with the system of arranged marriages.

I agree Sol. I sensed the strong objection in some comments :)




**Some were raised to believe that marriage is the only aim in their life and that once married, they would have to compromise, adjust, and do whatever it takes to make it work, even if it meant losing one's individuality and being unhappy about it.


Spot on! Thats the same belief my mum/some aunts still carry..wud u believe it?




**I really admire K for going against the system and being brave enough to go ahead and walk out of an unhappy marriage even if that meant that many will look down upon her in India and she will always carry the label of being a "divorcee", a big stigma in the Indian society.


me too, I admire K! Cos its not easy to walk out of a Marriage thats just 2yrs old and also to fly home to India at the cost of being labelled 'divorcee'.


Mindsets r not easy things to change Sol. They take ages to even begin to change.


ty for that great comment!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Prats!


** Because, when you're not happy and whatever efforts you make doesn't help, there is no point in continuing the drama

I agree totally!


yes, the mindset is the hardest to change.


Keshi.

Unknown Feelings said...

I wouldn't be a misoandry, though i would very much like to be one... but... anyways.

1. Clear cut view: B is a pathetic lout, selfish and a big fascist. No more words for him...

2. anyways, something is very much wrong with K as well. First thing, how could she decide to get married to a guy just coz he is working in Aus and is educated blah blah. Some kind of social "hold" eh? anyways, it was stupid decision.

3. How can you let your parents decide who you want to live your life with?

4. One needs to retain their integrity if they think they should not be trampled. how could K stop wearing some clothes or stop being a non-veg etc just coz some lout (supposedly your husband) does not like it. This is the place where she is to blame. Marriage is not about compromising your choices.

Just coz two people have started to live together, does not mean that you have to think about the other person only. Those ppl who think marriage is about self-sacrifice and compromise, i dunno what to say to you. I think marriage is about living with the other person and blending in one life, but with your INDIVIDUALITY intact.

If you believe too much in self-sacrifice and compromise, may god save your soul.

I think both are equally wrong, B is on the higher side, but just coz he is one hell of a lout, K cannot be considered perfectly right for she lost her individuality in the meantime and that is also a big mistake!

Keshi said...

hey CG!

Im sorry to hear that guy cheated on ya. Im sure he's not doing too well in life at the moment. Cos cheaters dun go that far in life anyways.


**And in that situation, again, the inherent problem was not 'love' or 'arranged' or whatever,,,it was infidelity.


Exactly my point!! neither is it abt the West and the East!



*HUGZ*

Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Utopia!


**and these men acting liking chauvinistic pigs well they were brought up like that by their mothers. cannot blame them. it is the upbringing.

I agree.


The problem lies in both ppl's upbringing. Not one.


Keshi.

carolinagal said...

Thanks Keshi :)
I think we think alike.

And yes, its not about East vs. West either...I dunno why that was even brought up...or that part about 'Sex'..

Keshi said...

Ankur..


**but y didnt she tried to tell B that he is wrong!!!

d u think ppl change that easily?



Keshi.

Keshi said...

Ankur..

** the problem is infidelity and understanding, it has nothing to do with kinda marriage which takes place!!!


I didnt u'stand that...wut d u mean?



Keshi.

Tarun said...

B is a loser.
K should have done the divorce thing much earlier.
Dowry sucks, worst people who are better of are perhaps the worst sinners.

I wonder if there is perceptions in Indian families that guys working abroad are "better".

carolinagal said...

**Im sorry to hear that guy cheated on ya. Im sure he's not doing too well in life at the moment. Cos cheaters dun go that far in life anyways**

Thanks sweetie :)
It was a long time ago,,and I don't even care to know what that person is doing in life. I think it was partly my fault then as well...I was 20 years old, and did not know the difference between love and infatuation.

Keshi said...

Sol hey!

**I think they both are victims to their upbringing combined with the pressures and traditions of the Indian society.


I totally agree. Its the SOCIETY's mindset. Freedom and independent thinking needs to be taught at home. Not when ur 28 and ready for marriage!



**I think a lot of harm would have been spared from being caused if the couple and their families had known each other for a longer period in this case.


I think so too!



Keshi.

carolinagal said...

Sorry, I know I said goodnight a while ago..but I can't seem to get away from the computer this evening ;)

Keshi said...

hey CG!


**But, I just wish that parents would trust their kids to make the right choices for themselves. And if it ends up being a wrong choice, then at least it is the kid's mistake, not its parents'.


ur absolutely right! U know B's mother is in depression now...cos she's the one who chose K for B!



Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey AmitL WB! :)

Will catch ya soon!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

lol Deepz @ B for Bastard!



* I do admire K's strength! many girls compromise such marriages and suffer life long!!!


yes! She's one hell of a strong n independent INDIAN woman!



Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Sol!


** if the girl crosses 28, people start panicking!


yes in SL too if the girl is over 30 n single, she's considered to be DOOMED!


*rolling eyes*


Keshi.

humbl devil said...

@ keshi

glad to hear that your friend's {K} outta hell!!!

my take on marriage is just like ya...
i m neither for or against...

it all depends on my girl, what kinda thing she wants...liv-in or marriage...

but, have to admit, i would have broken off my friendship with B if i was ever in your place...
i m glad i dont have friends like that...

@ankur

i do feel that "jat mangni pat byah" is the root of all problems...
the arranged system sucks really...
but dont blame tha gals...

we have only our rotten society to blame...if the gal sez no to an arranged marriage, it gives fodder to the dumbfucks in the society...

in an arranged marriage, things work out only if you have been engaged for more than six months...and still it's a big compromise...

marriages shdnt be about compromises...it's somethign which should have equal contribution from both the individuals!!!!
and they shouldn't call their efforts sacrifices...it should be somehting that comes naturally...

look at things from a indian gal's perspective...
they are more attached to their parents than the guys...and they are the ones that leave the comfort of their homes to go live with their husbands...
they try hard for things to work out...only so that no shame shd come on the family that has nurtured and cared for them from their birth...but the same people dont understand how to get the right guy for their daughters...for them the first criteria will always be the financial stability of the prospective groom...

no issues if the guy's been implicated in a rape case or smthing like that...earlier...

just my views on the indian system!!!
nothing personal...
:)

Keshi said...

hey Irshad ty for the bday wishes :)


**People pay you something when you sell a product or a service. When you ask for a dowry you should know that you are selling yourself. It can be a product or a service. Product can be the physical you and the if it is service you are a male slut/whore.



lol I totally agree. I hate the word DOWRY. whenever it's mentioned in my family convos, I wanna PUKE!


Its like selling a cow and then the buyer MILKS it her entire life!



I dun blame B only...it's not a one-sided issue.



Keshi.

Keshi said...

Mayz cmon u know it STILL happens!

Indians and Sri Lankans only changed their clothes..not their mindsets!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Mav!

Well I know ur a very nice Indian man...not a greedy one. :)



**its a craze in
india to get your daughter married to some NRI just for the heck of life outside and the moolah attached to it


yes I know abt it. Its the same in Sri Lanka! Everyone wants a free visa!



Keshi.

irshad said...

Hi Keshi,

"yes in SL too if the girl is over 30 n single, she's considered to be DOOMED!"

r u doomed?

Regards, Irshad

J said...

To be honest, I'd blame the two of them. K should have taken a reality check instead of blindly pursuing her dream of a life abroad.

Fools rush in. I'm not surprised.

Chakoli said...

Ahhhhhh...
something quite common....

but somehow... its always not bad...and many a times things happen ....and u dont have a control over it....

May be, the day the guy had started syaing dont do this and dont do that she could have protested and then and thr a Divorce could be finalised...

but just in hope she continued....

Hope ur frd is nw fine....

Keshi said...

ty Sam!


**education can only get you so far, family values matter shows through his behavior.

I so agree!


And ur friend who gets to accept/reject her parents' choices for her...what r her parents' basic criteria for a groom?


I agree..we cant blame it on Arranged Marriages cos this can happen even in Love Marriages. But atleast in a Love marraige, the choice was the couple's..not the parents'!



Keshi.

Keshi said...

lol Sam chillax! u will get married...when the time is right for ya :)



**the only thing I can never make up my mind should there be a crunch, who would give up the career and make a move to a distant land???


I know! Its not just cake n flowers when it comes to such decisions in life.



Keshi.

Keshi said...

Deepti thats right!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

No worries Aneri, tnxx n HUGZ! :)

Keshi.

fingers said...

Always marry someone who comes with a fully-furnished family...

Iceman said...

Well... good for her... She decided to part...

Thats all I can say... :)
I dont qualify to judge people or circumstances...

Solitaire said...

@ CG,

SEX was brought up as a weapon for defense.

I may be going a bit off the topic but I don't think Indian society and Indian youngsters are "doodh ke dhoole". Premarital sex is catching up with them too and it is talked about openly and freely (as we can see in many of the blogs too).

Keshi said...

ty Unknown!

Some great points u've raised there!



**Just coz two people have started to live together, does not mean that you have to think about the other person only.

I agree totally!



**I think marriage is about living with the other person and blending in one life, but with your INDIVIDUALITY intact.


so true. In K's case, she practically became a female version of B!



**I think both are equally wrong, B is on the higher side, but just coz he is one hell of a lout, K cannot be considered perfectly right for she lost her individuality in the meantime and that is also a big mistake!


ur spot on! Its abt respecting yourself too. Not giving away ur whole life cos of something called Marriage!



Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey CG not sleeping ha? lol cute!


**...I was 20 years old, and did not know the difference between love and infatuation.


awww...when I was 20 I was in such a r'ship too. I used to believe in Men then. LOL!


*HUGZ* n ty for ur GREAT comments here! U ROCK!



Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Tarun!

**I wonder if there is perceptions in Indian families that guys working abroad are "better".


Im sure there is such a belief in both India and SL.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Devil!

U nailed it. Great stuff. :)



**and they shouldn't call their efforts sacrifices...it should be somehting that comes naturally...


Exactly what I believe too! alot of Indians/Sri Lankans seem to think that in Marriage they need to SACRIFICE their identities.


And yes, this happens cos we r slaves to Society. Sadly.



Keshi.

maverick said...

@keshi...im just me...and check ur mail :)

Keshi said...

Hey Irshad!


**r u doomed?

never in my life will I consider myself DOOMED, even if Im single at 100yrs :)


Wut the Society thinks abt me does not matter to me.



Keshii.

Keshi said...

And Devil I forgot to say this..

I cannot dump B as a friend just cos he failed in his marriage..can I? :(


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Jono yes fools def rush in!


**K should have taken a reality check instead of blindly pursuing her dream of a life abroad.


I agree there. Being the highly educated girl she is, she should've thought hard abt it.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Chakoli :)

but once ur married, I think it's really hard to LEAVE that marriage no matter how bad it is. So even if it's after 2yrs, K did the right thing for herself.

Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Fingers!


**Always marry someone who comes with a fully-furnished family...

I thought a fully-furnished HOUSE. lol!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

Iceman hey!


** dont qualify to judge people or circumstances...


why r ya so afraid of commenting on marriage? :)


We do learn from others' experiences too Iceman. So it's good to analyse...not JUDGE, I agree :)



Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Sol!


**SEX was brought up as a weapon for defense.

yep that was a Defense mechanism!

Always the WEST is blamed for having Sex etc etc. i wonder why then the Indian population is on the rise! Doing it secretly is still doing it!



**Premarital sex is catching up with them too and it is talked about openly and freely (as we can see in many of the blogs too).


Ur absolutely right there Sol!


The difference between the sex life in the West and the East is that in the West ppl r OPEN abt it whereas in the EAST it's a shame to even talk abt it.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

k Mav :)

Keshi.

Neeku said...

its a sad to hear about your friend... something similiar happened to my college frined... trust me ... they even asked for a CAR ... can you imagine that... and yes.. the guy was too "Higly Educated" ... such freaks...

Anyways... its good that now you in touch with your frined again :)

Pinku said...

Dear Keshi,

I have been in K's shoes. All I want to say is if she is in india (delhi) and needs any help please pass on my contact details to her.

Bless u for talking about this true but ugly side of Indian society and pointing it out to so many people through your blog.

Divkiran said...

Its a sad story...and I feel sad for both K and B...but for some reason more for K...well written 

Most men, especially Indian (and before anyone takes offence, I said "MOST" not "ALL")...enter in a marriage with a whole lot of expectations from the girl. And it doesn’t matter if its a love or an arranged marriage. Same applies to the guy’s family too... But the most unfortunate part is that even the girls family has expectations from the girl...to behave in a certain way, to serve the family she’s being married in to and to take care of the husband. And in all this, the expectations of the girl are royally ignored.

I am glad K tried hard and when it did not work out, she din torture herself further and let go.

I agree with you when you say that after marriage u become 2 halves...and hence we should stop treating it like a child's play. Its not like you can marry two dolls today and then to someone else the next day.

I also had a friend from office who had to take a divorce within a yr of her marriage...but she’s is much happier now… married to someone who truly loves her as she is.

Once again...well written and BTW...I LOOOOOOOOVED the sarcasm ;)

Divkiran said...

Its a sad story...and I feel sad for both K and B...but for some reason more for K...well written 

Most men, especially Indian (and before anyone takes offence, I said "MOST" not "ALL")...enter in a marriage with a whole lot of expectations from the girl. And it doesn’t matter if its a love or an arranged marriage. Same applies to the guy’s family too... But the most unfortunate part is that even the girls family has expectations from the girl...to behave in a certain way, to serve the family she’s being married in to and to take care of the husband. And in all this, the expectations of the girl are royally ignored.

I am glad K tried hard and when it did not work out, she din torture herself further and let go.

I agree with you when you say that after marriage u become 2 halves...and hence we should stop treating it like a child's play. Its not like you can marry two dolls today and then to someone else the next day.

I also had a friend from office who had to take a divorce within a yr of her marriage...but she’s is much happier now… married to someone who truly loves her as she is.

Once again...well written and BTW...I LOOOOOOOOVED the sarcasm ;)

rahul said...

this is the kind of the everyday stuff our news channels are filled with, and especially I can say for Delhi , people are a lot like this, and the fact is this kind of thinking had seeped into our genertion also, I have a friend who loves in G.K, filthy rich dad's an exporter..going to Cornell for masters..and then one day we met his gf...nice and all..then on the drive back ..he tells us that his dad has this many factories, his brother is an investment banker and all that..they are richer than him...what the heck!!!

ani said...

keshi

i loved the post.. and i can soooo relate to it..

1. because i have seen these things happen to couple of my friends and cousins.. and

2. because am an indian girl.. and do come from an orthodox family were am the only girl child.. pheww...so all the tht expectation about getting the right groom is always there..

and since am sooooo far away from home.. it doesnt help my situation much.. anyways..

i really feel sorry about k .. i mean you can see that geniunly tried to make herself adjust to the whole routine and needs of b.. but then it just doesnt work because.. b never understood it all.. and expected this "pati-vratha" types of wife that u come to see on soaps and movies..

and 2 weeks was really short time to get ppl married off.. even though its the "arranged marriage" ppl should be given more time to get to know the other person before they are expected to tie the knot.. so they know wht to expect from the other person.. and considering she had to travel from india to aus after her marriage.. they wouldnt have been much help for her otherwise.. because all her family would have said is give it time..and adjust..

hope she's happy now

Keshi said...

ty Neeku!


**trust me ... they even asked for a CAR ... can you imagine that... and yes.. the guy was too "Higly Educated" ... such freaks...


ewwwww thats gross! a car? r ya sure he's not a farmer boy?



Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Pinku!


**I have been in K's shoes

u? HUGGGGGGGGGGZ!

And ty for offering help to K. She's not in Delhi. But she's doing really great. I received an email from her just now..what a coincidence :)


yes..I see alot of Indian girls speaking out here. It's lovely to get them all to speak up. It builds self-confidence and spreads awareness.


Getting married to an NRI isnt promising anyone a bed of roses. Women should rem that they r not marrying a Residency, they r marrying a Man after all. And they better get to know him well before it's too late.


Keshi.

ishqia said...

i agree with u. in marraige compromise is required from both side.. and no one must force the other to live as his or her liking. then the relationship wont survive for long.

marrying a person completely unknown.. i wont really complain on it.. different people face different things.. i got married the same way.. but i had heard a lot of people praising him.. and now alhamdulillah i know i m very lucky.. because he is a brilliant person..

sometimes even after knowing the person and getting married also dont work out... and results in break up...

there fore no one can say exactly how a marraige will turn out to be..

Keshi said...

ty Divkiran and hey WC :)


**And in all this, the expectations of the girl are royally ignored.

I so agree! Parents and family forget that she too is a human with dreams n hopes of her own.


Its ok to walk out of an unhappy marriage..the sooner the better. But its never ok to put up with something or just settle. We should rem that. Im glad ur friend is happy now.



Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Rahul!


**then on the drive back ..he tells us that his dad has this many factories, his brother is an investment banker and all that..they are richer than him...what the heck!!!


LOL all abt dad!

U should hv stopped him right there n asked

'now what do YOU have?'



:)
Keshi.

Keshi said...

heyy Ani!

I know wut u mean...in Sri Lankan families it's the same...finding the right groom for the girls is a big thing. *drama* :)


** but then it just doesnt work because.. b never understood it all.. and expected this "pati-vratha" types of wife that u come to see on soaps and movies..


so true! B always watched Indian movies and he may hv expected one of those MOVIE WIVES in real too! one who gets up at 4am to cook for her husband!!



K is a strong chick. Im so very proud of her cos having changed countries straight after Marriage, she managed to battle with it somehow for 2yrs and then finally walk away from something so unhealthy.


ty Ani n HUGZ!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Ishqia!

Im glad u found a great husband, even tho it was an arranged one.

I agree..breakups happen even in Love marriages. But when it happens in a Love marriage, the emotional toll isnt as harsh as when it happens in an Arranged one. Naturally the Arranaged one cops more BLAME. Cos someone else chose the partner for u. u know what I mean.


Anyways, like u said its not abt Love/Arranged marriage..it's abt the individual.


ty Ishqia HUGZ!


Keshi.

Steve said...

There is u time, there is me time, there is we time...... Keep it simple!

Any change has to from a want not a need.....

If I need ta change to keep you happy then it ain't right....I have to want to change for the right reasons.

Alas.......the days when people loved and married for who you where and still are..........have disappeared...

Prakhar said...

I say ..All men are jerks..some sometimes..many all the times!

Aคyushι said...

Well..just like you I ain't against marriage,as I see many people above me..(comments) seem to be calling marriage bullshit
Every man isn't the same..nor are al l women..I mean hamesha it isn't the man to blame..it can be the woman too!
You know..as yu said *Marriage is not a monoply..
The partners need to stay together..and love each other equally,n not slave drive.
I feel sad about K like anyone as well.
But I'm proud of her as well,that like those thousands of women who suffer from their marriages..and keep regretting it their entire life and do nothing..K did take an action..
And I'd also like to add..these days i read a lot of articles,and posts where people keep condemning arranged marriages..but who said love marriages are always successful>?
But as they say,life goes on.
We have to come through thse phases as well,and maybe then..we'll see what the actualy scene is like.

*Hugs*

Chakoli said...

Yup she did...but then at later stage... a divorcee in India is not seen in a healthy manner...people symapthesie...or insult ....

Divkiran said...

@Keshi - thanks a lot...but trust me you write better...brillianto I say!!!

you have been blogrolled...Enjoy and keep bloggin!!!

Ankur said...

@Keshi

will answer all of them, read all!! :D

i know i have a lot to say here... :D
hehe

but i will come back!! :D

Ankur

humbl devil said...

@keshi
not only for his marriage fiasco...

hez too self centered!!!
:D

Eclipsed Thoughts said...

Hey KAP...

who did you think "Unknown Feelings" was?

haha!!

the stygian sailor said...

hmmmm..
nice post :)

Cinderella. said...

I dont understand how ppl decide to marry ppl just like that at the drop of a hat !!!

And I dont also understand why ppl impose them selves on their spouses, they must relasise the person they have married is a human too, with wishes just as he/she does...!!!!

I am glad for K. She stood up for herself !

τ ħ€ ĐάЎđяёάmёя said...

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

*hugz*

Read ur post :P

and found myself to b like B :P

my mom n frnds says i will be a god husband and today my gf had this realisation tha i wont be one:P

so seems like marriage is not on my cards..m nt gonna risk divorce but on second thots will marry again after divorce :P

khikhikhi

Aaarti said...

hey Keshi

Wow, that was quite a heavy duty post... quite sad that these friends of urs seperated...

sometimes i wonder if people get into marriage just for the sake of shutting the society up or cos they really want a partner... i also dont understand how some girls can just nod their head and play along, even tho things get tuff and they are left in the lurch..

infact when i talk to mom abt mariage, i keep asking her "do u want me to get married, and come home unhappy, or would u rather i take my time finding someone and leading a happy life?"

i have friends who've been married nearly 10yrs, gone thru hell, but have managed to get some sense into the man, and some who came back alone.... sad world we live in... we can write a book on this~~ enuf stuff to fill the pages~~

Aaarti said...

oh, btw, lovely song... liked the lyrics a lot.. :)

Vest said...

Keshi: A well informed post, loved it. Read it to the wife too.
I am about to post another excerpt from my book dated 2003 which relates to lovers and marriage.
Some parts of the book are frightfully horny.

Meghna said...

Hi K,
Well that's really really sad and sickening....I think that's the reason why ppl don't want girls.....they r taken for granted!!! always.....and others act as if they kinds own then!!!

Hope everything gets settled soon in K's life.....wish her luck and loads of happiness!

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

This is a sad situation and it is much too prone in India.Sigh!

Even now,such marriages take place and in some,the bride and groom meet only on the day of the wedding!

To think K,a well-educated girl who had such a bright future ahead of her,had her life messed up due to a wrong match.This is a situation where the parents are to be blamed.

Why go for a match where the guy's side are so greedy in the first place?K and her parents should have known better than that.Of course,the fact that B is an NRI made all the difference!This craze for marrying daughters to "well-settled" NRIs has gone way beyond limits.

There are eventually many Ks who suffer every single day and live a whole life wasted.Not all have the guts to go for a divorce,owing to what the society will say.

Anyways,hope K finds a right match someday.As for B and his mom,hope they rot away! :P

Keep up the good work babes!Hugsss

Jeevan said...

Its happening in India more, an engagement in 15 days of time, before the boys whom seem to be in some foreign country arrives in holiday and his parents to fix a girl in between time and sent as couple.

Present day the farmer boys are the richest! esp. the Indian farmer boys

If its dowry problem, it’s mostly his families and neither any other, only up to the couples mind.
Individuality must be there even in 2 sets, what come to view as one even if we see on two eyes and is when two hands raise each other as one.

I hope that she lives her life now. thanks for sharing keshi!

Hiren said...

disgusting to know that an educated guy who is working for quite sometime in the corproate world can demand dowry and all ... even if his family might be a bit old-fashioned; he has to take care of it.

And moreover if you bring someone away from her homeland, away from her family, friends and caretakers, you got to take her responsibility; which doesnt mean giving into unreasonable demands of hers etc ... but treating someone (ohh wait ... not someone but his own wife) in this way ... is really disgusting ...

how is he able to meet you all and look into your eyes ???

Sorry for the personal remarks.

Hemanth Potluri said...

i am not quite elligible for commenting .as i am not married to know completely abt it..but with the people who r married around me and their experiences i can say.....this nri people some times r really freaks...not only them but some of us over here to....
people start forcing their opinions on their partners thats to much yaar ...i dont want to be such a freak...y dont they think they came to us after being individual for these many years and let them have freedom ...noo but they treat them as some prisoner and get the situation out of hand...


i liked the post and ur view ...thnks for the info...loved reading it...

urs..hemu..

vishesh said...

THAT WAS LOOOOONG! i hate those kind of people...i mean who are you to tell another person what can they do?

Aneesh said...

Iam not at all surprised about what you told, marrying a person knowing him for just 14 days. Well, here arranged marriage (the sweet name with which we call it) is that. You go see a girl, like her? Then within 2 weeks (depends), most probablty engagement is fixed, then you'll talk, try to know each other, try to like each other and soon marriage happens whether u like it or not, 'coz engagement is already over. :)

'N about Mr.B, he need to have a stronger backbone 'N courage and boldness are not to show against the girl u marry, but to your parents who behave like that.

shweta said...

hi keshi,

the story is good but it is the true scenario,yeah marriage is always between two individual but one have to change a little bit acoring to your partner without doing any compromise with you self esteem and marriage never come with a gurantee card wether its arrange or lone.you never know.

tqmcintl said...

When u love some body
it is fine

but when u love some body and want to marry him/ her

Suspicion torments my heart

does she love me
or does she love my appartment?
or the job I am holding?
or the money in my bank?
or the faccy car I own?

My marriage was not based on true love

it fell apart when I lost my money in a business venture that failed miserably

I was nagged to the extreme
I wished I was dead

southpaw said...

Its good that the misery ended eventually, coz sometimes it just doesnt works...

Niyara said...

I was starting to get worried with the whole "its like hes the only guy on earth" and gone to India for a bride.

It's a shame that a husband or wife can have such a negative and oppressing impact on their partner. it totally goes against everything a marriage should be - like u sed - a union of two EQUAL halves. I dont think any partner should worship the other but how can a a truely happy marriage happen if there isn't respect for the other.

The two weeks thing in like MAJORLY rushed and too soon, but that doesnt mean that it's doomed for failure - its more the people. He could have hidden he was such a PLANK for years, and become controlling after married.

It's a shame though, that poor K had to go through all of this - taken away from india, her family, her home country to go through such a bad experience! :( but least she got away!!!! even if it was silently and suddenly..... so many other people dont have that strength!

Priya said...

Being selfish and trying to change the other person to your liking would be like marrying yourself.

Totally agree to these lines and as long as guys are mamaa=s and very selfish and demanding, womens life is miserable always.

KP! said...

keshi....nice post and absolutely spot on!

I dont understand why people are narrow minded and dowry concept is totaly ridiculous concept...:).

educated people need to use their brain for once and put foot in the right direction!

stony said...

*They are free to fuck around and do what they want but the girl from the motherland has to a pure virgin (in both mind and body) and cater to the husband's every whim.*

Gross anachronism! In this age of fast eroding morality justified and glorified by self indulgent people, infidelity is never a male prerogative.

Everyone, irrespective of gender, is selfish and tries to exploit the situation in his/ her favour. We don't like to admit it when the perpetrators are our nears and dears or, in distant cases, belong to our gender.

After a break-up, if you listen to both sides of the stories, it is very difficult to judge who was wrong. Both invariably have a clear conscience about their conducts with ad-infinitum justification.

I had a friend, with troubled married life. Both he and his wife accused each other of something or the other. This all ended with his death and his wife marrying another person in next three months. We learnt that she had been cheating on her husband with this person and the husband apparently knew about it. (Killing with a clear conscience?). I don't mean to be spoil sport. Only trying to put things in right perspective.

Incidents of men cheating women and vice-versa are very common. But the bottom line is made out to be - a man cheats 'cause he is a self centred jerk and the wife cheats when the husband is a lousy self-centred jerk.

While there are numerous ill-traeted wives, there are also numerous men ill-treated by their wives and living with perpetual fear that the "tantrums" may take a serious turn and they may have problem with law.

In this particular case cited by Keshi, the girl clearly is a victim. A victim not only of an inconsiderate husband... but more of her parents' desire to just get her married to (read BUY) a prospective groom to relieve themselves of a big social burden... her own lack of courage to stand up against her parents.

(I wonder if some girls bend before THE WISH of their rich parents so that they can carry with them hefty dowry. If so, such girls do not deserve sympathy)

Vrij said...

Mine is an arranged marriage. Both me and D were quite different people from different backgrounds. Ours was a more quiet and conservative setup while her's was a more outgoing one. Personally, I'm more of a sit-in-front-of-the-comp person while she was go out with friends type.

Initially, we both found it quite a difference. But all I have learnt is that its the individuals which matter. Not anything else. If both of us werent accomodative towards the other's idiosynchracies, our marriage could have ended long ago. But we talked about how we should take steps ahead and once both parties share a good rapport and understanding, nothing can stop them from being happy.

In your friend's case, it was ur friend who's at fault and not the poor girl. In fact, she should be congratulated for being supportive and agreeing not to wear modern clothes. But harassaing for dowry is something else. I'm surprised that even educated ppl can do such stuff.

tulipspeaks said...

Sorry for the delay in responding dear. I manage to sneak some time between my course to read the post but unable to comment. Anyway, here I am :)

There have been instances when two people who meet on family arrangement instantly clicked and it resulted in marriage which last life long. At the same time, there are lot of 'cases' where two people fall in love and spend a considerable time (read YEARS) together before tying the knot, yet the union ends up in divorce. We can't deny that fact both 'cases' do happen.

I think a marriage's success or downfall depends on sincerity of both. If they are open about their likes and dislikes, character, expectation etc to each other before they decide to get married, I don't think problems like this will surface. Unfortunately not everyone could 'bare' their soul to their prospective life partner. They tend to hide their real self. They can do that for few days or maybe few weeks but eventually their true colours would show and that is when we see all sorts of marital problem.

I ain't a marriage counsellor and I'm not even close to a marriage. Yet I believe it's a huge responsibility to commit ourself to another person, and only those who are truly ready for it should take the plunge!

hugs!

ammu.

Asha said...

That's how they all get married and they NEVER change whether they are raised in India or raised in "foreign" countries! Don't know what's their problem is. Most of time, it's in laws/parents who impose on young couple.
As far dating, you never know a person until you live with him/her! No matter how long you go out with them when they are at their best behavior, you will be in for big surprise after you say "I do!" I was for sure and almost divorced because of his parents and his lack of individuality, thankfully, got out of the country quickly and ran to UK!
I am very glad K got away from that marriage and don't feel sorry for B a bit! He is an ass!

SMM said...

"That maybe because we Indians/Sri Lankans r made to believe that its a shame to walk out of a Marriage even if it's a painful one. But recently I read in the papers that Divorces r on the rise in India. Mebbe cos women r finally comin out of their 'traditional' mindsets and starting to think for themsleves? I mean isnt it better to be divorced than just to put up with a marriage?"

I would never advocate staying in a loveless marriage at all. Actually forget a marriage, any relation even friendship has to be a give-and-take from both sides. My grandmother's sister chose to remain single and has set up a university for girls in Uttar Pradesh, a region where girls have been traditionally treated as inferior creatures. Another sister of my grandmother got divorced waaaaaay back in 1950 when her husband had an affair with another woman.

And yes the incidence of divorce is on the rise in India too. Till maybe a generation back there would be attempts on both sides to keep the marriage going, only when all things failed would the D-word be uttered.

"why not? :) And not all ppl do that anyways. Also, if it suits them, there's nothong wrong with using someone's name to address them right? whats so shameful abt it SMM?"

Never said anything shameful about - just said that I can't imagine calling an uncle/aunt by name. It simple goes against my grain. Similarly for people in the West they find it difficult to understand the idea of an arranged marriage where boy meets girl and they get married within two weeks. Yes I find it strange too, but not unthinkable - probably because the idea of an arranged marriage is ingrained in us - be it good or bad.

"Also this isnt abt the West and East. It's abt understanding what Marriage is before Committing to it. In K and B's case, they both seemed to hv walked into Marriage w.o. a clue abt it or abt each other."

You said it Keshi.Two people caught together in a loveless marriage and living through it all their life makes for one of the saddest things I can think off. And in the instant case, K & B probably had certain ideas. She probably wanted B to sweep her off her feet M & B style while he wanted her to be a good housewife and stay home and tend to the hearth. Their dreams did not match and ultimately neither did they.I would say the parents also had their part to play in not making the whole picture clear to their respective kids.

SMM said...

K's parents probably jumped on seeing the magic word - NRI, while B's mother should have probably chosen him a woman from the 18th century rather than a modern Indian woman with her own thoughts and individuality. She must have been living in the past 50 years if she thought she would get a docile bahu who would do all she was bid.

Nirmal said...

hey nice post...and big one too..

arrange marriage do take place a lot in here..and somehow it works too ..(atleast most of the times)..
good that both of ur friends moved ahead..

Nirmal said...

and i guess the main problem for failures in relationship is coz partners dont ADJUST..

be it arranged marriage or lave marriage they need to ADJUST..


***ok does tat mean i need to buy DIAMONDS..oh my god**

lol

Am In Trance said...

Yeah.. Its Sick..
I Fuc*in Hate These Morons..

One Of My Very Dear Friend is Facing This Too...
She also applied for a Divorce.. N' We Are Tryin' To Make It Fruitful... By Hook Or Crook..
Let That Guy Go To ShitBag.. Coz' Thats Where He Came From..!!

Nice Post Sweety..
:)
TakeCare..

Sweetstickychewy said...

Fantastic post Keshi! certain parts caught me chuckling..

***I somehow stopped myself from putting him in a spaceship and skyrocketing him to Jupiter for good!

liked that.

well guess what?! i encountered a couple of guys who shared this kinda mentality. The worst part is one of them claiming to have a right to control me and my life without my permission or even a label.

totally disgusting. I can't stand such men!

i am glad that you were around to notice such things Keshi. Some people are just totally blind to these kinda things.

Life is juz not meant to be lived that way.

sad really. for one thing, i feel that the divorce probably just gave her new wings, new heights and new journeys to a brand new her, clothes and spiciness!

TRADITIONs can be a great sucker!eeks when forced down our throats really..

Urv said...

All I would say that to have a beautiful bride, one needs to have a beautiful mind. Its all in the mind set. Ain't it.

carolinagal said...

@Solitaire

**SEX was brought up as a weapon for defense**

You are absolutely right here! Perfect analysis by a shrink :)

**I don't think Indian society and Indian youngsters are "doodh ke dhoole". Premarital sex is catching up with them too and it is talked about openly and freely (as we can see in many of the blogs too)**

Right again!!! It just that in the 'East', when things don't go the way people want them to, it is all blamed on the 'West' and SEX and what not..

carolinagal said...

Thanks Keshikins!!
You rock too!!

Shionge said...

My heart goes out to K and even though this is the 21st Century I do know that women are at a disadvantage in India.

I have met women union leaders through the course of my work Keshi and they shared many many sad stories with me and indeed this is just one of the many ;(

Arv said...

What An Absolute Jerk!!! ^*^*&^*&#@^%$^@#*&

Am stopping here only cos you know him so well...

As for K, did she really have to say yes to some family who demands stuff???

But its really sad to hear such stories... it happens in love marriages too and is not restricted to arranged ones.

2 of my friends fell madly in love, got married after an year and got a divorce 2 years later. Strange stuff!!!

Wonder whats in store when my wedding bells come around the corner... LOL...

d SINNER!!! said...

can relate to so many Indian marriages...baah...

Mystique Wanderer said...

dude...was awesome...one of the posts that touches on so many critical thoughts that bring out the contradiction of modern life...

the fetish for getting daughters married abroad...(jitnaa door ho sake bhejo!!!)

still asking for dowry...(road pe jaake bheek kyon naae maangte)

and then the most important...what is marriage...the give and take point is bang on the spot...women inherantly make the most sacrifice...having to leave their house and adapt to a new house and family...sacrifices, changes, adaptation on both parts are too be expected...some old things will be given up...some new taken on...but u're right its not a one sided play...and thats what most people (and i make this gender neutral) have the habit of ignoring...

it is despite all disrepute that silly ppl bring to it...one of the best institutions ever created...in this circle of life...

Ria said...

Very sad but true tht such incidents happen very often in India. What i fail to understand is despite knowing of such instances parents still go on with the regular business of gettin their daughters married to someone they hardly know. I mean i hav had debates in this topic several times with different ppl...i jus dont get the concept of so called arranged marriage where the only thing tht matters is tht the boy shud b earning well and the gurl shud b pretty! Thts it....wht happens to the most important thing tht matters in a marriage "Compatibility"! I dunno!? In fact i hav heard ppl say tht its not necessary to love the person u r gonna marry, coz u'll eventually fall in love with tht person once u start living with him. Its as if u hav bought a pet and u end up fallin in love with it coz u get used to it! No i think its still worse coz in case of a pet atleast u knw one thing for sure tht the pet will love u back!

rayshma said...

keshi, agree with u totally that marriage is a 2-way street. u give respect and u earn it for urself as well.
but i don't understand why liberal, educated girls settle for such relationships.
CG: don't agree with you that it's bcoz of an arranged marriage... i think it's more bcoz ppl jump into relationships without evaluating... and it's not about culture/race/color/tradition...it's about 2 individuals. who need to decide whether they see each other as 'compatible'. whether they want to make little adjustments for each other.. put up with each other's annoying habits... and give each other the space to live & grow.

i've had an arranged marriage.. but we interacted for almost a year before we decided. how can u decide whom u want to spend your life with based on 14 days?!
but yes, i SO commend the girl to have the courage to decide on parting ways. it takes a lot to do that. hope she finds happiness.

Jac said...

He got her for a free ride. Poor girl !

Whitenoise said...

Wow, Kesh. The different culture gives it an interesting spin, but the underlying sentiments are true in any country. Thanks for sharing.

krystyna said...

Thank you Keshi for sharing your thoughts and for this beautiful, romantic song for Wedding.
Good title "When you marry yourself".
I think that not everybody is ready and have to be married and breeds kids. This same way as not everybody can drives car.I think not only about drunk people, but also about people with less reflex, blind, etc..,.. . They expose yourself and others to danger.
Some people are good as a single,
some can only marry yourself
and some are perfect to get marry and they have a good, happy family.
We must take responsibility for our own action.

Pecos Blue said...

Marriage is difficult. Even having picked my mate my self...be sure you try and find what you are really looking for. Not just what seems good today..because you change..your needs change...it is hard and maybe there really is no good answer or method...just try to see with a clear eye.

aneri_masi said...

Now this is one very complicated issue...

The biggest one being RELATIONSHIPS ARE TOUGH! Whether it is arranged or not, it is tough to transition from living by only your own rules and ideas to sharing your life with someone, adjusting to the new rules of the new household, living with a house full of strangers and calling it your home. It is HARD!

The ideal way would be for the couple to let each other be themselves, and blossom that way. But rarely will you find two people with 100% compatibility. Someone always has to compromise. Again, ideally there should be a balance in who compromises as well. But if one person is headstrong, then that person will always win. Another thing to consider is that one person might be willing to bend over backwards more than required, lose their dignity in the process, hoping that this will help the relationship that they would like to have for their entire life-time. The more that person bends, the bigger the other's ego gets. And this is a special relation, not just friendship, where we really, truly be ourselves, no one expects any more than that. In this case stakes are higher, expectations are higher. Which kind of explains why K changed the way she did. Had she been stronger, and put her foot down, and not changed, maybe B would have backed down and become a little more "tame"?

Also, the parents come into the picture. Most girls try to make their marriages work so as to not disappoint their parents. Such is the structure of the Indian society. It may be changing, but very slowly. So K tried.

B and his family need to get out of the stone age, otherwise the guy is simply going to end up living a lonely life. No one will put up with the crap he is dishing out.

Now the silver lining to this story, as CG pointed out, K got out of it when she did!

To answer CG's question about why did the girl agree to an arranged marriage...there can be several reasons...maybe she did not have anyone else in mind, wanted to get married, parents found her someone. Nothing wrong with it. Actually mostly, parents do make very wise choices. They look at the entire package, the guy, the family, where they live, how they live, they try to match up everything as much as possible. There is logic working in such cases, and it mostly works out quite well (all my sisters and cousins have very happy arranged marriages!)

Please wish K all the best on my behalf. Am glad she has friends like you and family who are supportive.

Keshi said...

ty Steve for ur great wisdom!



**If I need ta change to keep you happy then it ain't right....I have to want to change for the right reasons.


Loved it. I wish more ppl realised that!



Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Prakhar!


**All men are jerks..some sometimes..many all the times!


aww...ur right. MOST r but not all.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Aayushi!



**that like those thousands of women who suffer from their marriages..and keep regretting it their entire life and do nothing..K did take an action..


I agree! So many just PUT UP with it their entire lives cos of the societal stigma attached to a divorce.




**these days i read a lot of articles,and posts where people keep condemning arranged marriages..but who said love marriages are always successful?



I agree. It's not abt Arranged or Love marriages. But there's certainly GREATER emotional trauma when an Arranged marriage breaks up...cos then there's BLAME involved.



Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Chakoli!


** divorcee in India is not seen in a healthy manner...people symapthesie...or insult


it's the same in Sri Lanka. And when a woman is a Divorcee, the reaction is worse. I wonder why!



Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww ty Divkiran MWAH! :)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

Ankur come soon! :)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Devil!


**not only for his marriage fiasco...hez too self centered


I agree. He is really arrogant too. But I see a GOOD side of him too that I cant ignore. He's a close family friend. So I just let him be.


But I became closer to K than I am to B :) She's in touch with me and I hv been her shoulder to cry on...and I know she's doing OK now, which is the most IMP thing.



Keshi.

Keshi said...

KAP I forgot that it was u LOL!


*HUGZ*

Keshi.

Keshi said...

Stygian wuts NICE abt this post? open up man :) dun be like a stone!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Cindy!

Neither can I u'stand why ppl walk into such a serious institution w.o. knowing who the other person really is, atleast for few months!



**they must relasise the person they have married is a human too, with wishes just as he/she does...


I agree totally! After all, the other person is not some COW to be manipulated n milked is it!




Keshi.

Keshi said...

Bro WB I missed ya, HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGZ! :) Hope u had a good break?


**and found myself to b like B

wutttttt??? plz tell me ur joking!!!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Aaarti u make so much sense!



**sometimes i wonder if people get into marriage just for the sake of shutting the society up or cos they really want a partner...


I agree! Trust me, alot of Indians/Sri Lankans get married as a DUTY and to boast to the Society! For them it's like Marriage is a MUST or life is shit! It so happens alot among my family n friends too.




**infact when i talk to mom abt mariage, i keep asking her "do u want me to get married, and come home unhappy, or would u rather i take my time finding someone and leading a happy life?"


OMG I say the same to my mum! My mum used to nag me and my sis to find our men SOON n settle down. But we slowly trained her to think SENSIBLY abt this matter. Its a serious issue...not something that we can just do and undo the very next day! Now she's ok with us taking our time...and she says that she wont be sad even if we end up being single for good, cos she sees so many breakups and hellish marriages ard our friend-circle. So yeah, she realised that Marriage isnt wut it used to be. These days its a GAMBLE.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

yes Aaarti I love this song alot. :)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Vesty!

So wut did Rose say? :)



**Some parts of the book are frightfully horny

haha not surprised at all!


Will reply to ya soon regarding ur request.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Meghna!


**I think that's the reason why ppl don't want girls.....


yes...cos parents of a girl-child needs to hv a DOWRY to give right? sad!



Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Sameera HUGZ!


**This is a situation where the parents are to be blamed.


I agree totally! While this is not a debate on Arranged VS Love marriages, when an Arranged marriage fails, the blame falls on the Parents. And its right to blame em cos they CHOSE him for her.



*NRIs

yes..alot of Indians and Sri Lankans think that marrying an NRI is a free ticket to Heaven when its so not! Cos they forget that they r marrying an INDIVIDUAL, not a RESIDENCY.



Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Jeevan!


Its ridiculous to risk a ur own child's life by blindly giving her away to an NRI, all for GREED.



**Present day the farmer boys are the richest! esp. the Indian farmer boys


really? wow must be cos of the Dowries?


And ur right...after Marriage, u become 2 halves n u gotta cater for the other person's feelings too.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Hiren!



**even if his family might be a bit old-fashioned; he has to take care of it.


I agree! I said the same thing to my mum..why cudnt B THINK on his own!



**And moreover if you bring someone away from her homeland, away from her family, friends and caretakers, you got to take her responsibility;

so true! u dun make ur wife a slave. thats really low.




**how is he able to meet you all and look into your eyes ???


It took a v long time to even get him to talk abt it with us. He ignored our calls, emails etc for a long time. Finally he's opening up. But he doesn't discuss his Divorce at all. He just talks generally abt Marriage but never abt his own Divorce! His mum was the one who told my mum everything. Ofcourse, she blames K for everything!



Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Hemu!

**y dont they think they came to us after being individual for these many years and let them have freedom


So true! Its as simple as that but alot of ppl FAIL to u'stand that. Sadly. Instead they try to create a duplicate of themselves in the other person!



Keshi.

Keshi said...

Vish I think most humans r guilty of that...forcing their opinions on others. Sadly.

Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Aneesh!


**'N about Mr.B, he need to have a stronger backbone 'N courage and boldness are not to show against the girl u marry, but to your parents who behave like that.


I agree totally!!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Shweta!


**but one have to change a little bit acoring to your partner without doing any compromise with you self esteem and marriage never come with a gurantee card wether its arrange or lone.you never know.


Very well-said!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

TQM thats a very real situation..I've seen that happening alot! Very sad but its very real.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Southy yes, sometimes it just doesnt work. Well-said!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Niyara!


** I dont think any partner should worship the other but how can a a truely happy marriage happen if there isn't respect for the other.


So true! Marriage isnt abt getting someone to cater for YOUR Needs. Its abt mutual respect and love.


Yes ur right..alot of women dun have that kinda strength but K did it. And Im proud of her.


Although my mum doesnt think that way. :( She's still v old-fashioned in some aspects of life. She reckons K did the wrong thing! My mum and I argue all the time cos of our clashing opinions on this topic. She thinks Im being a bad chick :*(



Keshi.

Keshi said...

very true Priya.

B is a massive Momma's boy - a Platinum member in Momma's Boys club. LOL!

Keshi.

anits said...

hi keshi..."I can quite clearly say that any relationship is not a business plan, neither is it an animal-farm that you get to control" i totally agree wit this keshi..accept the person as they are and see the positive side of our partner...and in marriage give and take policy is very very important..

tcare n hv a nice day hun!

Keshi said...

very true KP!

I'd u'stand if an Indian bloke from a very remote village, who had no education, asked for Dowry from the Bride. But not B! He comes from a rich, educated, upper-class family in India.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

tnxx Stony!

Gross anachronism is demonstrated by both females and males, I agree. Its not only the boys who r to be blamed. Really, it's abt the Individual.



**...the girl clearly is a victim. A victim not only of an inconsiderate husband... but more of her parents' desire to just get her married to (read BUY) a prospective groom to relieve themselves of a big social burden... her own lack of courage to stand up against her parents.


Spot on! Very well analysed.


We cannot clap with one hand. :) Tho K was a victim here, I agree that she too is at fault...for saying YES just to make her parents happy.



Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Vrij for that great insight into a happy marriage!


**If both of us werent accomodative towards the other's idiosynchracies, our marriage could have ended long ago.


I agree. Its abt 'accommodating' one another in each other's life.



K is doin great now. And she's happy. :) tnxx Vrij!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Ammu HUGZ!


**Unfortunately not everyone could 'bare' their soul to their prospective life partner. They tend to hide their real self.


Very well-said!


u may not be a Marriage Counselor hunny, but u r way more knowledgable than a real one!


Like u said, if ur not ready for that kinda serious committment, DONT GET MARRIED. Exactly what I said towards the end of the post!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Asha!


**No matter how long you go out with them when they are at their best behavior, you will be in for big surprise after you say "I do!"


I so agree! ppl r usually at their BEST behavior when Dating, but the true colors come out when u start living with em!


Keshi.

AmitL said...

Hi,Keshi-this was one touching story..I guess,whether we like it or not,dowry,in many Indian families is here to stay.And,it's ridiculous- I don't think it matters whether the guy is rich or poor. It's totally wrong to ask the girl's side to finance everything from furniture to a flat to whatever.

Actually,I think what K did is correct.But,was it quite late in the day for this realization to dawn? I mean,such things should be cleared right from the beginning-namely,that there'll not be any demands for dowry,during or after the wedding.

You know,I know so many Indian'fathers',who have grey hair,simply because,from the day their daughter is born,they begin saving for her marriage dowry.Ridiculous,but true!We need some good laws like 10 years RI in jail,for dowry-takers!Provided,of course,the girl's side complains.(They might not,because of the scandal it would cause in society)

Keshi said...

SMM ty!

true..staying single is better than being in a loveless marriage.


**just said that I can't imagine calling an uncle/aunt by name. It simple goes against my grain.


Im like u too. I dun address my elders by their names. But then again, like u said, there r so many things that we dun see eye to eye between cultures. But if it suits em, then let it be.


And in this post, I never stated that Arranged Marriages r a failure. Only in this case it was a failure and yes both sets of parents r also to be blamed. Im sure there r lots of ppl who got married thru an Arranged proposal and r really happy. :)


*HUGZ* n tnxx!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

SMM..


** B's mother should have probably chosen him a woman from the 18th century rather than a modern Indian woman with her own thoughts and individuality.


hahahahaha!


Guess what..she's on the LOOK again! And B emailed me saying he hates the fact that his mother, even after such a mess, is still trying to find a partner for him!



Keshi.

Dawn....सेहर said...

Sad to hear the story and that too someone whom you know so well!
But glad K is happy and am sure B will be also happy as no one would love to live a life where one is mean to other person.
About how marriages should be and the people involved in it is very well defined in your last paragraph. And I respect you that you understand it so well even though you are not married. No matter what but the one who will marry you will be the luckiest one for sure (amen)
May God Bless You my dear
Hugz and Cheers

Keshi said...

ty Nirmal!


**be it arranged marriage or love marriage they need to ADJUST..


I agree, but ADJUST is a BIG word Nirmal. One has to know where the LIMITS are.



lol @diamonds!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Trance!

I hope ur friend gets FREED soon!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Amy HUGZ!


hey girl plz say NO to that Control-freak! u dun deserve THAT.



**for one thing, i feel that the divorce probably just gave her new wings, new heights and new journeys to a brand new her, clothes and spiciness!


definitely! It opens up new paths, new directions and a whole new outlook on life!



Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Urv!


**that to have a beautiful bride, one needs to have a beautiful mind

spot on!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty CG MWAH!


**It just that in the 'East', when things don't go the way people want them to, it is all blamed on the 'West' and SEX and what not..


omg thats sooooo true! West is always blames for this n that, but some ppl from the East forget to look in their own backyards. issues such as,

Dowry system, Female foetal deaths, Caste system, Terrorism, Lack of equal rights for Women etc etc etc!!!



Keshi.

Keshi said...

ur right Shionge, this is just ONE of the MANY sad stories of Indian women!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Arv!

Yes B is not a gentleman. I agree.


K is also at fault. For 'falling' for the Australian Dream!


U will be ok Arv...cos u hv a heart of Gold. Some woman is gonna be very lucky one day :)


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Sinner yes..it's typical isnt it. :)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Girish :)


**that bring out the contradiction of modern life...


yep..this story touches many imp points.




**the fetish for getting daughters married abroad...(jitnaa door ho sake bhejo!!!)


so true! Some Sri Lankan parents r CRAZY abt getting their sons/daughters married to someone overseas. Its disgusting!



**still asking for dowry...(road pe jaake bheek kyon naae maangte)


Pathetic ha!



So u believe in Marriage. :) Im glad Girish.



Keshi.

La vida Loca said...

I'll come back to it ok?
kinda busy right now :(

Keshi said...

Good one Ria!


**wht happens to the most important thing tht matters in a marriage "Compatibility"!


Spot on! Apparently they'll somehow ADJUST later on. LOL!




**i hav heard ppl say tht its not necessary to love the person u r gonna marry, coz u'll eventually fall in love with tht person once u start living with him


HUHHHHHHHHH! wut a sad thing to say! They must be wankers. LOL!



hahahaha @pet! Yes I agree.


Some ppl see Marriage as Business plan..so, they dun need LOVE in there. Just MONEY and a SLAVE. That'll do!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Rayshma!


I think CG meant that in this case, the Arranged marriage failed, which is true. Cos if K and B had spent more time getting to know each other on their own, the consequences wudnt hv been this drastic.



**i think it's more bcoz ppl jump into relationships without evaluating

I agree totally.


And like u said, its not abt Arranged/Love marriage. Its abt being flexible enough to let each other learn n grow.


And Im v glad u spent alot of time to get to know ur husband b4 u got married. Good on ya babez!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Jac, B's mum doesnt think so. She says the opposite!

Keshi.