Yesterday one of my male colleagues who just returned from a camping getaway (lets call him Warren) comes along and says this to me: 'Keshi next time I go camping, I'm gonna take you. Like for 3 or 4 days...in the bush, just you and me. I promise I'll lookafter you very well'. ummm, ok! Now I'm not a baby, I'm a grown woman and I can go camping with a friend if I want to. And I can lookafter myself pretty good by myself, thank you sir! But knowing Warren I know what he will be 'looking after'...not me, rather my arse. Don't get me wrong he's cute and quite the gentleman and all. But honestly what does he think I am? Paris-Hilton-straight-after-a-4-hour-strictly-no-sex-jail-term? Some guys may think I'm easy just cos I have a big heart. Ah ah hang on mate, big heart, big boobs, big hopes? Big mistake!
Once I was talking to one of my friends about marriage in general, and out of the blue he tells me 'Keshi you know what, I'm sick of having partners. And I don't wanna get married. Now I have decided to have purely physical relationships only. So if any girl is upto it, I'd gladly take them' with a twinkle in his eyes. Ok now why is he telling me this? ***pictures wild Baboons just mating for the heck of it in the woods going Ooh Aah Aah Ooh Eee Eee***. Oh I know why, he's just trying to test the waters...test if Keshi is going to say that it's such a neat idea. Dream on Mr.Gorilla-on-a-sex-overdrive. If your brain is stuck in a constant Mating season, I'd suggest the Zoo. It's a great place for guys like you to meet partners...of animal variety ofcourse. Please use protection...I'm saying that to the animals btw.
One day I was going back to my car in the Mall's carpark, when I suddenly noticed 2 guys doing rounds in their car (around and around, again and again) for no specific reason (there were alot of Parking spaces available too). So as I was walking to my car I looked at them and they started smiling at me and all. I sort of got the dorky message...they were just trying to muck around with my brain ***rolling eyes***. Typical guys-see-a-girl-and-they-instantly-become-big-fat-idiots scene was unravelling. Anyways I suddenly noticed that their car boot was open. And since I looked at them and they didn't look like really bad guys either, and since they were driving around with their eyes my way too, I indicated to them that their boot was open (I did some hand gestures to alert them about it). They came around to my spot again and tells me 'Don't worry about the boot..my car's boot does that everytime it sees a pretty girl' and smiles like a massive idiot with his cranium dying by the seconds. Was that super dumb pickup line supposed to work? ***cough, gag, puke***. I just smiled and got into my car...then they parked the car nearby, got out and started asking me for my number and where I'm from etc etc. I said 'I'm from the Mall and now I'm gonna go where I came from before I came to the Mall' smiled, and I drove off. urrrggggggggg!
So when the boys say stupid things or suggest indecent proposals, give them a good slap or hold them from the back of their heads and shove their heads straight into your cleavage, and shake it to the left and right (and a left and a right, and a left and a right..get the drift?)...like a quick healing dip in the water and take it out. OK! After that, they'll never stare at your chest like they are in a coma or follow your ass with their eyes so religiously like they have just seen God. Cos they just received the Holy Boob Treatment that cures them forever - the trauma of it will give them Boobophobia and that's great for us girls. 2 boys once asked me how long it took to shave my legs (cos I have somewhat long legs, not lots of hair ok!), I smiled and said 'As long as it takes your brains to develop to a civil status'. They laughed and walked away. ***feels very worried about their future on Earth and lights a candle for their demised brains***.
Share with me similar (horror pickup lines etc) stories from your life...both men and women related incidents are welcome ;-). Have a good day guys!
Current Music: Pretty Woman by Roy Orbison