Sunday, May 11

Shadows Never Leave

Pain revisited me on Friday night. Something happened. An argument. Something that need not have taken place. Sometimes I try so hard to be 'nice' to people around me despite their massive egos and immaturities, and then all I get in return is a rude 'stay out of my life'. It hurts...cuts deeply. Cos why do I have to put up with that anyways! Sometimes I just get along for the heck of it...to maintain peace. And this is what I get? If there's a God, then He must be a drunk loser! When the need to be loved gets mistaken for something else, it hurts alot. When I'm treated like nothing, when I'm misunderstood and laughed at, it makes me wanna die. It feels like my breath has been stolen. Have you ever felt pain so much that it becomes difficult to breathe? Have you ever felt like your life has been wriggled out of your body? Have you ever felt as if that pain is walking down a one-way street? The feeling never ends. Sometimes it gets really too hard to cope cos that pain follows me around. Sometimes amidst my many smiles, there are a million invisible tears. Sometimes I run out of tears...the pain becomes too much. There is a hungry bitch stalking me for life. I'm trying hard to break the stone walls that's in my way...but as soon as it cracks, another one is being built. I try to hack it to death...but it has more power to hack me back. Pain has a way of crawling in the dark, slowly into your mind and camping there for good. I can ask it to leave, but it mocks me for life, pretending it's gone. But I feel it..I feel something in the way. It's a dark trap tied to my life, always walking with me. Something that's always appearing infront of me, reminding me that I'm not free...reminding me that I'm destined to live with it. Pain is my shadow, walking infront of me when the sun is shining behind me, and walking behind me when the sun is infront of me...reminding me it's here to stay. I'm running out of my 'Morphine'. Sometimes nobody around me seem to understand me but I still have to be the puppet on strings just so that everyone else is happy...and that suffocates me.


Current Music: Something In The Way by Nirvana

158 Cranium Signets:

g-man said...

you don't have to be nice to those kinds of people. its much more pleasant not to talk to them unless absolutely necessary. after all, you don't owe them anything, and that way they can't take you for granted, which some people do. and just try totally blanking yourself out. you know, think about nothing at all. and nobody does understand you, there are just a lot of people who think they do, and its always going to be that way. i guess its a question of who you choose to open up to. there are some people out there who don't judge, and just take you as you are at the moment. those are the kinds of people i prefer to be with. unfortunately there aren't too many of those. tc of yourself keshi

Solitaire said...

Reminds me of the song,

"It only hurts when I'm breathing".

Hang in there.

Nadine said...

Keshi I understand through the smiles the tears that hide behind them. I'm sorry you are going through a hard time. Know that you are not alone. You have so many people who care - count me as one of them.

Beach Bum said...

When I'm treated like nothing, when I'm misunderstood and laughed at, it makes me wanna die. It feels like my breath has been stolen. Have you ever felt pain so much that it becomes difficult to breathe?

Absolutely, as my posts at my site suggest I'm sort off in my own little world. Even with my youngest brother whom I'm closest to, outside of my kids, there is a divide at times that can't be bridged. Many times I've tried to relate something to family and friends and end up only be stared at like I was crazy, and thats a good reaction. Other times I'm laughed at which given that I don't play games with people really messes my head up and makes me wonder why I even try.

MissGuided said...

OMG Girl, Please don't ever give in or give up. I can fully understand and I feel you pain. Being misunderstood, being laughed at, being taken forgranted ..... it hurts like hell and makes you want to die. I too live like this.
Keshi, never ever let anyone believe or make you believe that your are a lesser person because you're not.
You are a beautiful lady and deserve the best in life. Fight it all the way, no matter how hard it may seem.
Always remember, you are better than them.
Kia kaha (stay strong)
Sharon

sid said...

You know the problem--despite all whats said and written- good people dont have it "all good" for them. I have numerous instances now that I think of it, when I have helped people, been there with them, stood by them when they were all alone- & rather than getting a thanks(Not that I expect that!!) I was rebuked for just not doing enuf...so I would say...do your best(or what you think is the best) and forget about the rest!!...At times we have to accept thats GOD is up there you see...transmission delays do kind f happen-blame it on the distance...Perhaps, at times being a little selfish never hurts-at the end of the day I know its living for others- but how much worth it is at the cost of consistent self inflicted pain....
PS: Did I forget to mention that even though I havent seen you, I can imagine a smile wouldnt look that bad on you!!..with so many fellow bloggers around for you-you just neednt worry!

vishesh said...

you want to take a knife and stab pain,
you want end its ruthless reign,
yet it is holding you,
it is trying to ruin you.

but there is a key,
one which will set you free,
it is a password,
different for each one in the world.

crack the code,
then pain is no more sore,
but an open door,
through which you can see more.

time has hid the word,
it is causing your love to become severed.
you think you don't have it,
but then light will be lit.

mortality is lost,
when sense of reality is found.

patience is an action
understanding the different reactions.

Nirmal's Blog said...

life is a package of all these things...everyone goes thru it....

all tat matter is how u face that..and emerge as a winner..

and i know u r a winner...cheers beautiful lady..

black coffee said...

ohkie Keshi! that was really sad. I know nothing I say is going to make you feel any better when you liken your pain to a shadow!
that line was very beautifully done but my heart just tightened a bit more imagining the pain behind it!

When someone sounds like that I feel like crying out of understanding what it feels like.
the feeling of wanting to be loved is something else altogether!
it really is excruciating when the love we have is not mirrored.

Please don say you are a puppet trying to be happy. I cannot bear to see you like that either. In all that I have read abt you I have known you to be a beautiful person thru and thru. But knowing this doesn help.
Knowing that you really deserve much better doesn help.
Nothing helps. The one thing that prolly helps will not come our way.

Life is such!
but we are way better than that and we know that. I say we cos these days i am feeling exactly the same.

P.S: blogging friends are not virtual, they are real!
and here you have no dearth for love. people who love you for what you are and not for what you aren't!

Sweetstickychewy said...

First of all Keshi...Many hugs to you.

Its never easy feeling that way. Moments when you try so hard but all you get is shit in return. Its uber sucks big time and makes you want to just give up at the time. Yet our hearts and practicality at times don't allow that. sooner or later, we learn to see the sunshine that tries to peek when our world is turning pitch dark.

I feel you when you talk about breaking down a wall and sooner or later and irritatingly another one just builts itself up. The world is never fail when it comes to this. Everyone is trying to protect ourselves from hurt hence hurting other people in return unconciously and conciously at times.

The plus point is you tried. If the other party can't see the colours you are trying to paint in their side. They will come to see it when the tide subside. It just ain't easy at times.

*HUGZ* Cheer up Sweetheart. Besides all these dark gray clouds. I remember many other colours you write about. And what measures is the love in your heart.

Lovezzz Much. Mwahs!

aneri_masi said...

Hugs to you, dear.
Not sure if I have any good, useful advice. Yeah, I have been there too, all I did was not give too much importance to such people. They kinda faded away/stopped their nonsense when I started ignoring them. They asked you to stay outta their life, then do just that, even if they beg you to come back. There are lots of other people who are happy you're their friend.

My husband always tells me "what you feel, is completely your own "decision". Someone can hurt you only if you let them."

Take care, hope you feel better soon.

deepsat said...

sometimes you balance the universe by not being nice to everyone! so stick on to that! i dont think anyone has the right to hurt anyone!

i feel our pain is our burden. sometimes pain doesnt come to us, we go to pain. we drag it around! guess its time to leave it and move on!

take care!

;-))

jan said...

hi keshi. i read your posts quite frequently, but have never commented before.
whnvr i feel upset i jus drop by here, cuz what u write inspires me to keep going....
i know im a stranger and what i say will make no difference, but still, i hope u will be happy again...

Anvita said...

Aweeee babes sending u a long distance hug if that makes u feel any better, sweety watever it is , its not here for long to stay, its just temporary so gal hang in there n soon u will see the sunshine in yur life again
:)

Clyde said...

Ah Keshi, we are all puppets.
But what we have to learn to do is to also be the puppeteer.
So while everyone else thinks that they are pulling our strings, we know that we are just letting them think that they are the only strings to our life----it keeps them happy.
Its like that old saying of "dont rock the boat"-----but remember---it is your boat.
At work, you know each night that you can let the door out hit you in the arse and its all over and any problems can stay at work unless you let them come home.
You can do the same with any part of your life----
Remember, you are Keshi---you can do what you want, when you want, with whoever you want----you just have to make the decission

Compassion Unlimitted said...

As sol said,just hang on..In life many a times expectation level is one thing we forget to keep as a yardstick in relationship..unfortunately when there s mismatch ,disappointments surface and sometimes drowns us..you are young & you will handle these in stride as time moves on endlessly.Go ,stand in front of the mirror and laugh your heart out..Easier said than done ..but just try dear
TC
CU

Niyara - Asian Rocxs said...

pain is your shadow... thats a such a solemn but fantastic image...

when i become an amazing writer famous novelist and film director of my own novels... im so guna be buying your writing and creative services - seriously...

i think the only time i've felt SERIOUS pain is after my grandfather's death. Obv we all feel sharp stabs of emotional pain often..but i relate to the breath being stolen! it's so different to your breath being taken away.

it's tough being a peace maker and pleaser - you dont get spill all your hatred and anger out onto other people... but i suppose thats why blogs are a great way of letting it out without directly hurting anyone...

*huuuuug*

Macadamia The Nut said...

I learned a few valuable lessons a couple of years ago Keshigirl.

1. To love myself.. deeply.. because no one else can or will as much as I can

2. To give unconditionally if I want to, and stop expecting anything back

3. Take a few minutes off to devote completely to any anger/pain I face momentarily and get it off my system once for all.

I think most of us have at some point of time gone through a lot. But is there any point in ruining the future because of past shadows?

Personally speaking, I'm in love with life. Also, I don't like giving someone the power to hurt me.

Maybe thats another form of escapism.. but hey, I'm content

;)

Macadamia The Nut said...

P.S. Remember that you, Keshigirl, are AMAZING! I'm not judging this from the number of blog responses you get.. but merely based on the time you spend on each individual response by making each one of us feel special. That's no mean task.

No one can make you feel like 'nothing' other than you. SO *shakes her Keshigirl by her shoulders* GET UP!!! SMILE! *no jackass is worth it! Lets go get drunk ;)Then we can play 'dress up' and maybe go find some guys to make rude comments to :D

SwAtI said...

:(
Gosh!! Its terrible that you experiencing such pain..

**Have you ever felt pain so much that it becomes difficult to breathe? Have you ever felt like your life has been wriggled out of your body? Have you ever felt as if that pain is walking down a one-way street? The feeling never ends. ***
Hmmmmmmm... Yes I have.. Quite a few times I'd say..
And now I realise that its part of life..One can't escape it..Its almost like having to pay a price for loving n caring people so much..that too not once but every now n then..
It makes one realise that certain relationships r just not worth it.. And there are some relationships which r certainly hold some worth in our lives..in which case, we gotto forgive n forget!! :)
It takes time to heal deep wounds.. Take care of urself sweetheart! You are an extremely wise n mature gal! I know you will manage urself n d situation well!
M always dere for ya..

La vida Loca said...

ooh keshi!
hugs

PrAcHi said...

Ohh.. Keshi.. Hugs to u. I can understand this feeling. I am going thru shuch kind of pain right now... It’s hard to take that inspite of being so nice and understanding with people, they treat u like nothing!!! Like use n throw! But can’t help it.. Bcs we have niceness in our neature and not everyone around us know to respect that niceness. So in this world of selfish people a NICEST person like YOU is bound to get hurt! It’s hard.. but u got to live with it. I feel pain is the reward of treating someone nicely... who don’t deserve to!!! *sigh*
U know.. there is a chinies proverb: Forgivness is a vertue and key to forgiveness is don’t try to understand everything!!!

*~*Sameera*~* said...

Hmmmm all I wanna say is "Keep the faith" Darling!

HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Cinderella. said...

Girl...there was a time when I treid to be nice to eveyone. Until I learnt that theres really no point in being there for ppl and shedding tears for those who dont really care. They will always, invariably find faults with you, any guven time, no matter what you have dome for them. This realisation has left be mute to relationships now.
They say : Dont cry for someone who isnt worth it, for the one who is, will never let you cry.

Everything will be fine. This too shall pass. We're all here for you.

Love you girl. Take care.

Impressionist said...

Well, U shud be ready to go through all this when ur too nice to people!

-I

elusive said...

wot u need is a big tight *hug*
Jus hang in thr n things will look themselves up..mwah
hope u're better now..

♥bμşγ-ŵŗϊŧēŕ♥ said...

Relax. Think of all the nice, good people in your life. You'll instantly feel better. Then, such insensitive idiots wouldnt even matter, they'd just be forgotten.

:)

Miladysa said...

Keshi as hard as we may try we are unable to please everybody all of the time.

Life is hard sometimes I know but try to concentrate on the good times, those filled with love and joy.

M x

Sucharita Sarkar said...

Hi,

Just a bit of something from someone who has sometimes felt like you: pain is just one side of the coin, toss it again, and you are bound to come up with the other side (sooner or later, though it may seem now that the other side will never come). Keep tossing!

KAYLEE said...

"When I'm treated like nothing, when I'm misunderstood and laughed at, it makes me wanna die. It feels like my breath has been stolen. Have you ever felt pain so much that it becomes difficult to breathe?"

Keshi, I am so sorry that people are treating you like that but, please do not have thoughts of death.it really makes me sad when you say that kind of stuff.I know that I say it too but, i am trying not to think like that anymore.I do not want to lecture you here but, please dont think like that anymore.ARE YOU OK KESHi? I am woried that you are really hut right now are you? you are sort of scaring me right now. :( I was happy today but, after reading this I am sad :( hope you are having a better day today?

KAYLEE said...

BTW MY mom is in jail for child abuse but, thats alright with me :)

KAYLEE said...

Btw keshi i only wrote that first comment to you because i care about you alot :)

KAYLEE said...

one more thing this post reminded me of how i feel most days :-(

KAYLEE said...

hut=hurt

ghee said...

Keshi dear!!!I miss yah!!!!!!!!

hope you feel better now?
right,there are lots of people who are pain in the ass and its up to us if we can hold on them or not.you did your effort,and i think thats enough..

you will be more immature if you will confront immature ones :)

just relax and breathe :)

a big hug to you!!!!!!

ghee

fingers said...

That's a pretty unspecific complaint...

wp 2007- 08 said...

Hi Keshi

Forget what people say. Go get drunk and screw every guy in town--of course, I don't mean it.

I felt like doing that until I got into this relationship.

You could do what I mention in my next post. It will be up in 4 hours.

LOL

Bev

Solitaire said...

@ Black Coffee,

What do you say about "blogging enemies", people who turn themselves against you making your life miserable? It almost seems like we all turn to blogosphere to get some respite from the big bad world out there. But eventually, those big bad people in the big bad world land up in blogosphere to play their politics, turn people against you, treat you like shit, and condemn you. There is no escaping such people. That is the reality.

@ Keshi,

Don't you agree Keshi?

Keshi said...

ty G-man!

**its much more pleasant not to talk to them unless absolutely necessary.

thats what I hv been doing for avery long time. But on Friday, I HAD to intervene. And then I get a snake's hiss back at me!



**and just try totally blanking yourself out. you know, think about nothing at all

G-man it looks like u've been thru it all. Cos u know exactly how I feel and wut Im talking abt. Im glad abt that :) I hv shut myself off completely...cos of few insensitive ppl in my life. And like u said, it feels good not to feel anything at all. These days I do live in a blanked out world, yes.


yeah, most ppl never u'stand..they just claim to. thats all. And thats why I blog...I feel u'stood and cared for. Something I hardly get in real life...after my dad died.


tnxx G-man, HUGZ!


Keshi.

wp 2007- 08 said...

Hi keshi

I'm having problems posting. Just testing to see if you get this.

Bev

Keshi said...

Sol tnxx hun!

Ur a Shania fan? :) I like some of her songs..real good ones.


**So, I hold my breath--to forget

that part of the song is how I really feel..


Keshi.

Keshi said...

tnxx Nadine I know u really care abt me. HUGZ!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww BB, I knew u'd u'stand me.


** Even with my youngest brother whom I'm closest to, outside of my kids, there is a divide at times that can't be bridged.

exactly wut Im talking abt! How did u know?



**Many times I've tried to relate something to family and friends and end up only be stared at like I was crazy...

yes! thats why I blog..these r my deepest emotions that ppl in my real life cant even come to close understanding! Instead they laugh. Strange ha?


*HUGZ*

Keshi.

wp 2007- 08 said...

Hi Keshi

So much for using that link!!

Just got back from a couple of days at the Falls.

Forget about these people.

Go get drunk and screw every guy in town--I don't mean it. But, it might reflect the way you feel.

On my upcoming post, I mention another solution, but don't try it.
Post will be up in 3 hours.


LOL

Bev

Keshi said...

Sharon WC n ty sweetie!

Im sorry that ur going thru the same shit.


**Keshi, never ever let anyone believe or make you believe that your are a lesser person because you're not


I always tell that to myself..but some ppl use words that make u feel like ur nothing...it really hurts and stays in my mind for a very long time..makes me wonder if Im really that bad.


*HUGZ* Kia Kaha! ;-)


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Sid u really know wut Im talking abt. tnxx mate!


Yes, these r ppl that I hv gone out of my way to help and make them achieve their dreams (even at the cost of crushing my own). Even tho I dun expect them to thank me for that, I deserve better than a 'stay out of my life', dun I?


**but how much worth it is at the cost of consistent self inflicted pain

true!


I dunno abt God...why I said he must be a drunk loser is cos when ppl r drunk, they dun make sense. And to me, it seems God dun make sense, most of the time.



ty Sid..:) Im smiling now. U smiling too?


*HUGZ*

Keshi.

Keshi said...

WOW Vish that was profound!

U wrote that? I shouldnt be asking that anymore..cos u do write amazing stuff all the time. :)


I know the password...just that someone else has hacked into it and is abusing my heart ;-)


*HUGZ* n ty!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Nirmal!

Im not a winner all the time tho :)...sometimes Im just a loser, watching my life getting tread on.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww Black_Coffee u hv a heart of Gold!


I can see that u hv gone thru alot too..hence u u'stand what Im trying to say. HUGZ!


**people who love you for what you are and not for what you aren't!

That meant alot to me. ty so much and U TC OK!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Amy ty swthrt!


**The plus point is you tried. If the other party can't see the colours you are trying to paint in their side. They will come to see it when the tide subside. It just ain't easy at times


beautifully put! yes..I TRIED. I know I TRIED. And thats enough for me to be satisfied...and thats enough for me to know I didnt just take anyone for granted like they did with me.


*HUGZ* hv a good day sweetz! Ur wisdom always takes me home.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Aneri, u look LOVELY in that pic!


**They asked you to stay outta their life, then do just that, even if they beg you to come back

yes! Thats exactly wut Im gonna do. I made up my mind. This time Im gonna really do what they wanted me to do. STAY OUT OF THEIR LIVES.


*HUGZ* n ty!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Deepz!

no matter what, I cant be nasty...I dunno how to. I wish I knew tho :)


**sometimes pain doesnt come to us, we go to pain

I agree. But this time Pain came to me totally unexpected.

ok, will try hard to chase it away :)

tnxx mate!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Jan WC :)


**i know im a stranger and what i say will make no difference, but still, i hope u will be happy again...


dun ever say that! Ur not stranger...the fact that u dropped in a comment to make me feel better, means ur closer to me than some of my loved-ones who dun even care if Im sad/happy.

*HUGZ* ur comment means alot to me!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Anvita MWAH!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Clyde!

**But what we have to learn to do is to also be the puppeteer

I wish I knew that Art. Somehow I cant seem to do that...and being the person that I am, I usually end up being the puppet..and Life is the puppeteer.


ur right abt leaving work at work. I like that comparison. Made me think alot.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty CU!

yes..disappointments come from expectations. But I dun expect anymore...for a long time I hv been that way. This time Im disappointed...not with them, with me.


*HUGZ*

Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty for u'standing me Niyara! That means alot to me.


**im so guna be buying your writing and creative services - seriously...

hehe I'll gladly let u take them..for FREE. :) MWAH!



Im sorry to hear abt ur granpa's passing. brought me bak memories of my granma's death in 2001...she was a different woman...someone so rare and beautiful.


*HUGZ*

Keshi.

Keshi said...

awww ty for sharing that with me! I hv alot to learn from ya.



**1. To love myself.. deeply.. because no one else can or will as much as I can

yeah I always do that too. But some ppl say things that make me feel like Im NOTHING. Words sometimes hv alot of power. The echo will die somehow..I need time.



**2. To give unconditionally if I want to, and stop expecting anything back

very true! I hv stopped expecting from ppl cos thats what leads to disappointments. But I still do expect from myself..and when I fail myself, I feel sad.



**3. Take a few minutes off to devote completely to any anger/pain I face momentarily and get it off my system once for all.

Blogging is my therapy now.



**But is there any point in ruining the future because of past shadows?

its not the Past hun..its the Present too.



**Personally speaking, I'm in love with life. Also, I don't like giving someone the power to hurt me.

I agree. We hv the power but sometimes others have it too.



ty so much. I thought alot after reading ur comment. MWAH!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Maca ty sweetie! :) u put a big smile on my face. LOL!


**Then we can play 'dress up' and maybe go find some guys to make rude comments to

haha I really wish we cud do that. damn ur so far away :(


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Swati!

It feels good to know that ppl do u'stand what Im going thru and that Im not alone. Altho its not good that ur feeling that way too :)


yes, no one can escape Pain..thats why I called it the Shadow.


**It makes one realise that certain relationships r just not worth it..

I agree. But its sooo very hard to discard some r'ships even if they dun do u any good :(



*HUGZ* n ty! Im so glad I hv ppl like u in my life. Even on Friday, when I was down in the dumps and feeling like SHIT, I logged on and read blogs. I felt alot better after that.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

HUGZ LaVida!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Prachi!

** I feel pain is the reward of treating someone nicely... who don’t deserve to

so true. And some ppl laught at ya for being NICE. They think we r stupid or something.



**Forgivness is a vertue and key to forgiveness is don’t try to understand everything!!!

good one! I think I try to analyse everything - this is my problem :)


*HUGZ*

Keshi.

Keshi said...

awwwww ty Sameera!

Ur HUG was so long and powerful, it reached Sydney yeyyyyyyyyyy! :)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Cindy!

**This realisation has left be mute to relationships now.

That so true. I hv become like that too. And its scary - the rate Im becoming rigid.

I cried n cried n cried...then I died n died n died. Never to feel again. :)


*HUGZ* luv!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Impressionist tnxx!

**U shud be ready to go through all this when ur too nice to people!


:( then should I be a super BITCH? :) I dunno how to tho...


Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww ty Elusive n HUGZ!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty BW!

**Think of all the nice, good people in your life

My Blog mates r the only real NICE ppl in my life.


*HUGZ* tnxx for being here!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

True Milady..cant please all.


**Life is hard sometimes I know but try to concentrate on the good times, those filled with love and joy

I dun hv many of those...



*HUGZ*

Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Sucharita!

Yes the power is in me...I agree.


*HUGZ*


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Kaylz aww dun worry..I aint gonna die. Cos I hv already died a zillion deaths, emotionally. :) Physical death is really nothing.


*HUGZ*


Ur mum hurt ya? OMG how sad! I hope she stays in jail.


TC of ur sweet self hun!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww Ghee seeing u here after a long time made me so HAPPY! HUGZ!


**you will be more immature if you will confront immature ones

totally agree! Lately I hv been very quiet..I see immaturities infront of me yet walk past them silently. I see egos dancing infront of me, yet smile and dun say a word. But on Friday, I had to get involved..cos ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!


tnxx!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

Fingers its hard to name ppl and be specific abt what happened..that wont be right by them.

Keshi.

Keshi said...

heyya Bev I gotcha hun! :)


**Go get drunk and screw every guy in town--of course, I don't mean it.

aww how SAD u didnt mean IT. LOL!


MWAH!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

Bev I cant wait to read ur Solution to this. LOL sounds interesting!

Keshi.

KAYLEE said...

Yes my mum did and I was very mad at it infact I still am. I hope she stays there too :)

that is good keshi! I didnt think you were going to do any harm to yourself but, I jus wanted to make sure you are feelig better today :) hUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGS! To you!

Keshi said...

Good Morning Sol! Well its Morning here hehe.


I agree with what u said. There r enemies both on/offline. And thats why I always say online is nothing short of the real life. Cos this world is also made of HUMANS.



**There is no escaping such people. That is the reality.

So true!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Kaylz I know u CARE.

Keshi.

Akshay said...

Hey, I am sorry that you are going through all this, but then why entertain such people who are immatured and have super-sized egos. I understand that they might be people who are close to you, but then when you know their nature, then I suppose you should not think too much of it and just shrug it off, I guess.

Anyways babes, don't feel to depressed or sad.. remember when you smile, the world smiles with you. Take care and have a good Monday. hugs.

Prats said...

Thats a feeling that can wrench your heart apart! But the best way would be to stop thinking that the other is important enough to make us feel that way....
Its so easy to say it...but I know how tough that can get..
hang in there gal!!!! you are much more stronger than you think you are!
HUgs to you

maverick said...

When the need to be loved gets mistaken for something else, it hurts alot. When I'm treated like nothing, when I'm misunderstood and laughed at, it makes me wanna die.

well it happens to everyone...but then why loose sleep over it...why make urself feel bad about it...solve it out or let it go..if decided to let go then be strong enough to let it go...do something else to keep ur mind off it...


Sometimes amidst my many smiles, there are a million invisible tears.


ohh..we humans are good at this aspect :)



Sometimes nobody around me seem to understand me but I still have to be the puppet on strings just so that everyone else is happy...and that suffocates me.



well the same arguement can go in favour of the ppl around u.....

sometimes in life one has to be greater than oneself...i ve learned this from a few ppl who r very close to me...and trust me...they are being paid back rich dividends by life :)

howdy?

Keshi said...

ty for u'standing me Akshay!

I wish I cud just ignore em...but sometimes u live with such ppl. Then u cant ignore can ya? :)


tnxx anyways HUGZ!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty so much for having faith in me Prats, HUGZ!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Mav! I hope ur ok and Im really sorry to hear abt ur granpa.


well I know OTHERS feel this way too, but that isnt supposed to make feel happy, is it Mav?


well u say that OTHERS ard me may be feeling this way too..yes may be the do. But I can only speak for myself here, isnt it...if they feel that way too, mebbe they can start a blog and write abt it. I cannot cater for everyone's feelings here Mav. This is abt my feelings. And Im not some God to think abt how they feel, when all they've done is hurt me.



**they are being paid back rich dividends by life


I dun want rich dividends in life...I just want nothing Mav.


Keshi.

maverick said...

@keshi...the ppl i was talking abt...they never wanted rich dividends in life..they did what was the right thing to do..and they still do it...just that it doesnt go unnoticed....

and i never said it wasnt about ur feelings..what u ve written is right..but like always..a coin has 2 sides and u cant separate them from each other...

i am doing ok...came to hyderabad ysterdy...gonna be here for 2 months...

AmitL said...

Hi,Keshi-just think-does a person who says'stay out of my life',deserve any compassion from you,even though you know what you're doing for/telling them is for their benefit? I'd say,forgive and forget-it's not worth losing your cool,when you hear such comments.

At such time,what I do is,listen to my fav.music,go for a walk,read-anything to get the anger out of the way.

Lastly-pain-whether we like it or not,it is as much a part of our life,as is pleasure..so,don't fight it-just ignore it,coz that's what it deserves..the more you think about it(pain),the more it affects you in a bad way.

Of course,I also believe that life wouldn't be a challenge without some pain.Imagine everything going according to plan-I'd probably die early of happiness!LOL.

TC and have a nice week!

Keshi said...

hey Mav :)

**and i never said it wasnt about ur feelings

well atleast u meant it by saying 'everyone feels this way'...u say that in all my DOWN posts.


Anyways :) no worries!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

haha Amitl I wudnt mind dying of happiness :)


**just think-does a person who says'stay out of my life',deserve any compassion from you,even though you know what you're doing for/telling them is for their benefit?

**forgive and forget




So which one Amit? :)

Keshi.

maverick said...

@keshi... :)..as i said..a coin has 2 sides..what i wrote was not suppoose to be taken in that way..anyways guess i ll keep it in mind to phrase the sentence properly :)

vishesh said...

hmm...hacked hu? guess you are facing the same problem as the Indian govt sites(they are getting hacked by chinese)...no one can keep what is not their's...if they do,they will end up killing themselves...

Keshi said...

Mav yes a coin has 2 sides but not every time someone hurts another..it can be just one sided.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Vish I was talkin abt the password in ur verse. not my blog. LOL!

Keshi.

Iceman said...

no pain no gain... :)

Alok said...

Keshi ... believe me ... we all go thru this ... Just hang in there ... the beauty of time is that it passes away ... even this will pass away ... tc and hugs


Alok

Chriz said...

hi ... gud one.. in deep thoughts...

Keshi said...

Iceman I agree but I can do w.o. the Pain for a while. :)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

Alok tnxx! :)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Chriz!

Keshi.

gunj said...

heyyy
a lotta times i feel like that too!
but im kinda happy keepin others happy!

Keshi said...

me too Gunj. But on some days it all crashes down on ya and takes it's toll.

Keshi.

SwAtI said...

Heyy!!
Hope ur feeling much better today!!

I see some really wise insightful comments to this post!! Even I picked up a lesson or two... ;)
Its great to have such varied n intelligent perspectives..

Have a great day!!
Keep smiling!! :) You rock! ;)

AmitL said...

Haha-Keshi-forgive them and forget about it/them.:)

Nirmal's Blog said...

hey beautiful lady...how u feeling today..

can i get to c some cheerful post 2day...

fingers said...

Name names, Keshi...
Everyone loves a dobber...

Whitesnake said...

Being nice and keeping the peace has a price.....

Just like love ........girl...
Just gotta ask ya self what price will ya be willing to pay?

g-man said...

whee...you remind me of me a lil bit :)

vishesh said...

i too meant that...i just used the internet password thing as an transfered epithet

Anvita said...

hey hope yur better today, chill pill girl!!!

Hiren said...

hmmm ... lemme ask u a question ... do you make others happy expecting to be made happy or thanked or appreciated in return? I dont think so ...

so, when you dont get the much deserved appreciation or get misunderstood ... dont take that to heart ... just keep doing what drives your persona ...

u are a wonderful person so dont let such unnecesaary pain trouble you ....

maybe you can just chuck out those few who "take you for granted time and again and make u feel like a puppet" ...

Suma said...

awww keshi...hugs..

hope u feel better now...

SambY said...

I step forward but the ground pushes me back two steps......

I try to be nice with the guy who spoled my life... but instaed of being grateful and feeling gulty about what he did to me... he stills leaves no stone unturned to trouble me....

i love my parents..but they treat me like shit....

I try to end it all by jumoping off a cliff...b ut life is a bitch and i survive half dead.. smiling a fake smile... smoking like a idiot... watching the smoke go up from my motuh... smoke they say is "nothing"..but i rises above me... and makes me feel lower than "nothing".. it rises above ... takes a lil bit o my life along with it..cause its ciggy smoke and after all thigs..still laughs at me.. what am i supposed to do??? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ??

When oppl asked me why do i do all this stunts stuff n all...do i have a death wish... ?? i used to reply..that m not a guy who worries bout heaven or hell ..cause i got friends at both the places...but whts the use of having friends in heaven or hell?? I am stuck ehre on this earth...I am not allowed to die...but am not allowed to live /.....

what an I to do.... My tears have dried up ..i have cried too much... but the eyes are weeping... wwepoing blood.. and i dunno... blood will finish.. and they will still cry...or maybe ..ill be dead before that.....


Pain.. i have become numb... when the pain gets too much... the pain itslef become the medicine... you feel incomplete without that pain... I guess i have been scarred for life... so better carry my junk from here and move on... rather than writing away like a mainac on ur comment box...
love ya maam keshi...

soldiers word... really i do

samby

nefariousoutlook said...

well truly profound thoughts...

"When I'm treated like nothing, when I'm misunderstood and laughed at, it makes me wanna die. It feels like my breath has been stolen"..this is so true !!!

brilliantly written!!!!

but life is full of these moments ...so keep your dose of morphine handy ;)

keep posting :)

Vest said...

Keshi; Our #5 son $1k wkly after tax, Plus Com/car pays $200 child support. has been for the past year paying us approx $150.00 per week for full board inc washing-ironing and cleaning his self contained accom, oh and tel and internet also water and electric.
This serial prodigal son has moved out four times since his failed marriage and as his two daughters live locally they have been joining him here for at least a 100 days per year at our cost, however we love them and dont mind the cost. He moved out again last week and says he is feelling sick because he is ill, but still working, he is paying rent in a two b/r house 50 kls away from here. I have ten mins ago phoned him(mobile)he says he is hungry, I told him to stop smoking plus bonging and drinking, I offered to pay him a small stipend just to stay where he is and send food parcels. he is driving the rest of our level headed family NUTS.
Profile:
Purchasing officer, 60 grand plus car.
Gay, divorced, aged 40, HIV.
186cm tall, 90 kilos, Good looking.
Short fused.
Our serial prodigal son.
Does anyone have a spare fatted calf, just in case he decides to return home again.

I do not concern myself any more, knowing full well its beyond
redemption and it is his own fault entirely.
have a lovely day. You are not alone.

Chriz said...

what happ keshi deariee

Amit said...

hi keshi...
after a long time... sorry i was little occupied in my own things.

well..well...well...
you are source of inspiration for many people out here... so...dont suffocate...
u have to be happy and make all of us very happy,,!!

Jeevan said...

Your feeling is something i go often with it.

"Pain is my shadow, walking infront of me when the sun is shining behind me, and walking behind me when the sun is infront of me" Shadow comes along when we shine, the more it comes we go further in life in different form.

Clyde said...

Keshi
You are an adult and responsible for your own actions.
So you have to take the actions that you think appropriate
Dont be the peacemaker all of the time or people will take advantage of you
Set some rules and some boundaries of what you will accept
You are a strong woman---we can read that in your posts

Hiren said...

btw also chk my comment on solitaires woes blog ... :)

wp 2007- 08 said...

Hi Keshi

The post I was talking about is now up.

Bev

Helen said...

Yuck. Sorry to hear the shadows are flickering at the edges of your mind. People don't realize how connected we are and that their actions inflict such pain. Be well.

Ria said...

hey dont worry gurl!this is jus a phase.....u'll get over it.Sometimes its jus not possible to control certain situations....its meant to happen.

Ankur said...

so true keshi... n yet u need to live :)

i dont kno wat to say... m short of words keshi... u brought a tear to corner of my eyes :)

*hugzzzzz*
feel better

keep smiling
Cheers!!!

black coffee said...

@solitaire
blogger enemies are as real as friends too!
there are such people that do exist..
i din say anything abt enemies there..

Keshi said...

hey Swati :)

**Its great to have such varied n intelligent perspectives..


yes...Im so blessed to hv u ALL here. I get brain orgies each time Im here LOL!


*HUGZ* n ty!


Keshi.

Keshi said...

haha AmitL!

ur forgiven but not forgotten ;-)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

Nirmal u may c a cheeryful post today...when u wake up. Cos rite now, it maybe abt 3am in India. :) Sleep tight mate!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

Fingers lol ur the biggest dobber I see!

*HUGZ*

Keshi.

Keshi said...

I so agree Steve...everything in life comes with a PRICE. Even Life itself has to be paif off with Death.

Keshi.

Keshi said...

G-man then we r mates for life...goodo! ;-)

*HUGZ*

Keshi.

Keshi said...

haha Vish u r clever!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

Anvita ty so much beautiful! *MWAH*

Im chilled now...after taking the chill pill u gave me :):) U r so sweet!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww ty Hiren!

ur right..I dun do things expecting ppl to pamper me in return. To be honest I never got that in my life. The only person who really loved and pampered me was my dad. He 'saw' me. Meaning he knew who I am...he recognised my talents and encouraged me every single day..he was at my every Prize Giving, clapping for every winner, not only for me. He basically knew how to love me w.o. having to tell him.


OMG I blabbered too much..Im sorry Hiren! Looks like I miss my dad too much :(


Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Suma :) HUGZ Im ok now. Dun worry.

Keshi.

Keshi said...

Samby reading ur comment full of WISDOM, made me cry! U r an amazing guy. Now I know where u got all that Wisdom from...from the Pain u had in life. A man can write like that only if he's been thru hell. And u hv. HUGZ my friend! I really wish I was near ya to talk to ya.



**I try to be nice with the guy who spoled my life... but instaed of being grateful and feeling gulty about what he did to me... he stills leaves no stone unturned to trouble me....

I know this feeling...it's happened to me too. Now I dun give much importance to my life. I use my life as a shelter for such ppl. Let them do it. Whats the big deal abt my life anyways. We all die some day.



**i love my parents..but they treat me like shit....

Cant u sit down and talk to them abt this Samby??




**I try to end it all by jumoping off a cliff...b ut life is a bitch and i survive half dead.. smiling a fake smile...

u really tried to do that?? Samby!!!



**smoking like a idiot...

LOL I cracked up at that one!




**watching the smoke go up from my motuh... smoke they say is "nothing"..but i rises above me... and makes me feel lower than "nothing".. it rises above ... takes a lil bit o my life along with it..cause its ciggy smoke and after all thigs..still laughs at me.. what am i supposed to do???


u r hurting alot arent ya? I can see that. This is exactly wut I said above...Im just letting some ppl hurt me to the max..if thats all they wanna do. They dun see me now..but mebbe, some day, when Im not alive, they'll think abt me.




**WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ??

Sometimes I hv this same qn on my mind. And I hv no ans. So I just get on with life...expecting nothing, looking forward to nothing..but living for TODAY only. And that helps Samby. Dun think too far...just live for the MOMENT.




**that m not a guy who worries bout heaven or hell ..cause i got friends at both the places...but whts the use of having friends in heaven or hell?? I am stuck ehre on this earth...I am not allowed to die...but am not allowed to live /.....


U said that beautifully Samby! Wow u hv so much knowledge abt life. I cant believe ur just 20!



**what an I to do.... My tears have dried up ..i have cried too much... but the eyes are weeping... wwepoing blood.. and i dunno... blood will finish.. and they will still cry...or maybe ..ill be dead before that.....

awwwwwwwwww dun say that. U r younger than me...I'll die b4 ya hehehe. Anyways, I cry blood tears EVERY day Samby. And Im not saying that for the heck of it. Blood tears show u the way somehow...I see tears as a mate...it allows u to let out all the grief n anger.




**Pain.. i have become numb... when the pain gets too much... the pain itslef become the medicine... you feel incomplete without that pain...

I so agree. Im numb now...meaning Pain has become me..and I hv become that Pain.




**I guess i have been scarred for life... so better carry my junk from here and move on... rather than writing away like a mainac on ur comment box...

no ways! I LOVE TO READ YA SAMBY. U r soooooooooooooooooo my kind of writer. So plz dun stop writing, plz dun stop commenting here, plz dun stop expressing. Cos they'll keep u and me alive!



**love ya maam keshi...

dun say Maam now. LOL! Call me Keshi ok. I LOVE YA TOO SAMBY MWAHHHHHHHHZ!


U ROCK!

Keshi.

Keshi said...

WC Nefarious and tnxx!

I gotta go get a new dose of Morphine ;-) and u know wut that is...new music hehe.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww Vesty u opened my eyes! WOW I never knew and Im really sorry to hear that he has HIV. And he's only 40 and hv done all that!

Gosh it must be so hard on ur family. :(


*HUGZ*


Keshi.

Keshi said...

Chriz hehe...a personal matter...Im ok now. dun worry n tnxx!

*HUGZ*

Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Amit :)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

hey Jeevan!

** Shadow comes along when we shine, the more it comes we go further in life in different form.

true...


*HUGZ* TC! I know how u feel...

Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww tnxx Clyde!


**Dont be the peacemaker all of the time or people will take advantage of you
Set some rules and some boundaries of what you will accept


Thats exactly wut I did and tried to act upon. And thats when I was told to STAY OFF.

:)


Keshi.

Keshi said...

k Hiren tnxx! :)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

k Bev will check it out soon :)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

tnxx Helen!

**People don't realize how connected we are and that their actions inflict such pain

ur spot on!

*HUGZ*

Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Ria MWAH!

**.Sometimes its jus not possible to control certain situations....its meant to happen

I so agree.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww tnxx Ankur!

*HUGZ*


Keshi.

Keshi said...

tnxx BC sweetz! :)

Keshi.

Rex Venom said...

Be wary of noon time. The shadows stay at your feet.
I said this before to another; just sharpen your knives, beautiful. Everything gets a little easier in life after that.
Rock on!

general_boy said...

Keshi, I hope you can make time to do things that make YOU happy, instead of worrying about doing things to make OTHER PEOPLE happy. Look after yourself. :)

Alok said...

I have a couple of things to say about the mood in the post:

1) Don't let the other affect you so much that he/she begins to rule you. You do not need to prove anything to anybody. All you need to do is to find satisfaction in yourself.

2) Pain is good. You can feel pain only if you have been through happier times. Pain helps you grow, it serves you to remind of the struggle of life, the most beautiful thing that exists.

So enjoy it!

:)

AVIANA said...

wow...

yes i've felt that pain many times...

but you don't have to act like a puppet on the strings...eventually you will cut the strings....

you can't worry about making people happy or keeping the peace... that is not your job...

your job is to keep yourself happy..yourself at peace...

moments will come and go...some good, some bad....but your sanity must maintain even though there are times you'll let your sanity loose to just deal with some craziness but you must maintain control cuz all you have is you, your sanity, yoru happiness...only you feel what you feel...they don't care even the most genuine person doesn't care at the end of the day because they have to take care of themselves first before they can empathize with others....

hope you're doing better..

Keshi said...

Rex tnxx mate!

**Be wary of noon time. The shadows stay at your feet.


I like how u put it.



Keshi.

Keshi said...

aww tnxx Boy! U always make GREAT sense.

Will rem that always.

Keshi.

Keshi said...

ty Alok! U r very smart.


**Pain helps you grow, it serves you to remind of the struggle of life, the most beautiful thing that exists.

ur right - if not for Pain, we wont be human.


Keshi.

Keshi said...

tnxx Lisa ur an angel!

**but you must maintain control cuz all you have is you, your sanity, yoru happiness.

I agree. After all that Pain, u somehow move on, cos u've gotta help YOURSELF. no one else will.


*HUGZ*


Keshi.

AaYuShI said...

Hey Keshi!!..

I'm jus another new person to yr blog..well well..must say..its one piece of awesome work!!..(awesome's an understatement)..

actually..this one "shadows never leave"..reminds me of a hell lotta things..some bad memories as well..
but my advice is ignoring such brats..and living yr life and letting them live theirs'..as simple as that :P

Anyway..hope to see you commenting SOON on my blog..aha..:D

ChEeRz,
Aayushi

Keshi said...

ty Aayushi and hey WC!

I agree...we gotta atleast pretend we r UNAFFECTED..for that helps us move on.

Keshi.

Satish Bolla said...

well, shit happens mate. this is all i can say at this juncture. check out my next post after the china n burma incident. will put it up tonight or tomorrow mrng. hope everything's alright now with u and still u r eluding the aussie cops.....

Keshi said...

haha Satish tnxx mate!

And I checked that post and I cried. So very sad!

Keshi.

Satish Bolla said...

sorry dear. i never meant to make others cry b'coz of me but couldn't help. thanx anyways for sharing my pain